People Just as Crazy as Me

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Justification

Writing is what I do for therapy.
I've tried sitting on a couch, I've tried you take this pill and you will feel better.
I have tried a combination of both.
It doesn't work for me.
I don't like it, doesn't make me feel good... so I don't do that kind of therapy.
If it works for you, great, I am all for bettering yourself, but traditional therapy... not for me.
So, as I said above I write.
It's the reason for this blog, and the blogs of blogging past.
Therapy. Self-exploration. Venting. Growing. Learning.

However, I have a lot of baggage.
A LOT.
So, I thought, that if I wrote it down in a story form, I would deal with it directly.
I began to write a book.
I'm not sure if it's any good.
But, it is has made me feel better... whole.....
It is the first time that I am truly letting most of this out.
Completely dredging up the bad memories, every comment, every instance, and letting them flow onto a page.

I have gotten to a point in the story, where it's almost over... I mean, I got out... I got away from my trauma.
But, now, something is telling me not to keep this story 100% factual... to deviate...
At the end of the story I want to kill the character based on me.
Doesn't that sound morbid?
I KNOW?!
I have good reasons though.
I feel that:

1) By killing off the "character", I can truly lay to rest the trauma, and completely separate from it. I am no longer that person...
2) By killing off the "character, I can show what could have happened, hell, what should have happened... and maybe help someone in the long run.

So, when it's done.
and I've editted the shit out of it... I'm going to copyright it, and then... I'm going to post exerpts.
I'll post the link to this, when I'm ready to do it.


Just needed to say it.
Don't know why...
Having an introverted moment I guess...

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In othe news:
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Last night, Klay and I went out for burgers.
Not just any burgers, DAMN GOOD burgers.
If you don't have a FIVE GUYS BURGERS, than you don't know what I'm talking about AT ALL.

But, somewhere during our meal... I got a migrane.
I've been getting them a lot. Almost daily.
And at the moment that I got this particular headache, I realized something:
I only get them while he's around.
Now, as I've stated, Klay, is the most wonderful man I have ever known.
I love him, in a way I never knew you could love someone else (other than my child).
But, with that said... migranes come when he's around.
So, I energetically pulled back...
Tried to think where this was coming from.

The thing about Klay is, he can tell when I am pulling away, even if I keep the smile on my face.
He eyes me, "You okay."
I lie and say yes.
I know he knows I'm lying... I'm just not ready to explain my thoughts

We drove home in quasi silence. Making small talk here and there... but ultimatley just watching the road in front of us.

I kissed him goodnight.
Went to bed.

He emails me this morning, and I could barely respond.
I just can't place why my headaches only occur when he is around.
I'm probably suppressing something, and I need to figure out what it is.

And, I am also tired of telling him that I'm in pain, or that my head hurts... or just general bitching.. I'm not a complainer. I hate coming off as weak. (another flaw of mine)

I'll work through it... Blog about it some more over the next few days.... and it'll come to a head sooner or later.

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