Last night, I got into a verbal spat with my ex-husband.
Our son expressed to me something yesterday, on our ride to (and from) school, that made me sad.
He doesn't want to spend time with his father.
My son is 4 years old, and doesn't want to spend time with his father.
Now, yes, it could be because hey only spend 2 weekends a month together.
But, that isn't my fault, I urged my ex to spend as much time as he wants with our son.
He used to come in the mornings before school, that was however, short lived.
It lasted a month... at the most!
So, as their time together is brief, you would think my ex would try to spend as much of that time together.
That is not the case at all.
My son tells me, that his father brought him to his grandmothers house, then bailed.
"He told me we were going to see the Bunny movie mama, but it got late, and grandma put me to bed."
My jaw dropped.
Literally, to the ground.
"We were supposed to get me cool sneakers, but then daddy brought me home."
I was set to pass out.
"Mama, daddy doesn't love me, I don't want to go to daddies anymore."
I got blurry.
And, as much as I want to say "Okay you don't have to go anymore." Because I know no good can come from this... I have to be a good mother.
I assured my son that his father did in fact love him, and that everyone has bad days and good days. That maybe next time they would have a better time.
When my ex stopped by to drop off some of my sons belongings, I told him what our kid had said.
He flipped out.
Said it was my doing.
That I was pushing this on our 4 year old.
Which isn't the case, our son, is a bright, insightful child, who knows when he's being snubbed.
The major downfall of our marriage, was just plain old neglect... mixed with a lot of cheating on his part.
I heard myself say this to him, "You neglected me, than us (meaning my son and I) and now he is old enough to notice you snubbing him."
I was told, "Don't take him away from me too."
I stared blankly at my ex-husband... I mean seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Getting off topic but, he pushed me away, he chose a life for himself and followed through with it.
He was never home for us, and when he was, he found ways to be with other people, not with his family.
And, don't even get me started on the girls' ... the chicks who were "Just friends" or how about the one who called OUR HOUSE and told me he was leaving me, for her.
Yeah, I really left him hanging, what a good husband, whatever was I thinking?
All of the above went through my head when I was told not to take his son away.
My calm response was that it wasn't my doing, that his son doesn't want to be with him... and he had to figure out a way to change that.
He rolled his eyes, told me he had to go to work, and slammed my door... then kicked my car...
Well, this morning, my son (I refer to him that way, because 95% of his life, has been with me.. not with the loser ex) was perfectly happy, had gotten all the neglectful angst out of him the night before, slept it off, and was fine.
I'm glad he's feeling better, I hate seeing him sad, about things I can't fix or prevent.
Sooner or later his father will go away again, another year... another nine months, and by time he gets back... we'll see how my son feels about it.
Now, I called this Narcolepsy.. and.... I now remember why.
(I got off track a little)
After the entire day of dread of what my son had said, after my father got home from work, I took a drive.
That's not accurate either, I took a drive to my love's house. My boyfriend, we'll call him Klay, is the most soothing, caring person I know.
I lay this whole mess on him.
And I can see it well up in his eyes, he loves my son, and my son loves him... He held me, didn't say a word, just held me. I love that quality in him. There's nothing to fix, nothing that can be changed (right now), so just calming me down is the best.
We went upstairs, and I fell asleep, not for long, an hour at most.
As if I had narcolepsy.
I just tend to fall asleep now, the weight of these events, knocks all the energy out of me.
My body, soul, protects itself, and I sleep it away.
I wake up, roll over, and there's Klay, smiling at me, doing his computer work, but still, watching me sleep.
I feel very safe with him.
He's trying to get a place closer to us (my son and I)... we're definitley not ready to live together yet, and I am good with that. I want to truly get to know him, and I think he wants the same of me.
Now, I sit at work, and wind down.
Everything is processed.
Everything is easier to handle.
I'm working towards something great.
My form of normal.. my form of perfection...