People Just as Crazy as Me

Monday, May 16, 2011

{{PANIC ATTACK}}

I have written since Thursday... not because I didn't want to.. but because Friday, sucked. Majorly sucked.
It was the day that never ended... and made the entire weekend ominous... and today... unmanageable.

On Friday, my sister... who is my best friend... utterly, without a doubt... well, on Friday, we had a fight. A all out brawl out... not speaking to each other, family feud. My sister and I haven't fought since I was in high school... And that... was ... a LONG time ago.

My sister decided that her and her husband wanted to become foster parents. 
(Side note: isn't that super? I mean seriously, there are so many children in the system... I'm glad that they chose this path other than going overseas to adopt... or getting inseminated... Not that I have anything against either of those options. I just have seen the amount of group homes, and children in those environments).

So anyway, back on topic... when you are trying to become a foster parent... NYS makes you go through a rigorous application and class schedule... But, hey, I think they should, because if they didn't, the redneck crackheads would be getting loads of kids just for the money. One part of this process required her husband and her to give their residence (month and year) for the past 28 years.... the exact month and year.... no approximates.

So, she asked my father and I for some help... which we tried to give... giving  her an idea of the time frames to look for... and I called her a brat.. because she seemed so upset, that we weren't going to do all the work for her. (And, I honestly think that 28 years of residence is a little excessive... JEEZ NYS you are a crazy state!) She got really upset... and we didn't know... but she just ended the conversation and we went on with our typical Thursday night...
FRIDAY hits, and by 930 in the morning, I get this pointed, abrasive email from my sister saying basically that I was being callus to her situation.. and that I didn't understand that severity of it. That since it didn't have anything to do with me or my son... I made a joke out of it. (Which wasn't the case, my sister can be a little obsessive, and paranoid..I was just trying to lighten her mood... she knows how I am... I joke.... but, obviously this time... she was just not in the mood) She continued to say that we were not going to be asked to help anymore, or involved in this moment in her life. (Which I thought was a little uncalled for.)

Now, I got upset... REALLY upset. My sister knows better than to email me at the office, on Friday, my busiest day. She knows, that my mother is the one who does these things. Disrupts your day at work, and make the entire day miserable...  So, I emailed her back, and did nothing to help the situation. . . I said things, and I meant them.. but they still came across in an angry way... In which she replied something she probably meant in the tone... back and forth.. back and forth... you know what I mean? 

But, I got over myself, and I apologized. Still told her that her email was ill-timed and I still felt it was uncalled for... but I was sorry for the things I said.

IN WHICH SHE REPLIED, "YOU CAN STOP WRITING BECAUSE I'M DONE READING"

Which, made all the blood run to my face... I called her went straight to voicemail and I told her if she was going to be this way, that I wasn't going to deal with it anymore. I told her to lose my number...

I haven't heard a word. 

I hate fighting with anyone... let alone my sister....

So that dictated my weekend. 
MY ENTIRE WEEKEND.

We did fun things, I was able to cope... but, in the back of my head... this situation lingered.

Still haven't heard a word.... 

This morning hits, I get Emry ready for school, I was ready for work... and then, it happened.

{{{{PANIC ATTACK}}}

My chest exploded, my heart wouldn't stop beating fast. I couldn't breathe... I just wanted to burst in to tears. However, I kept it together until I got Emry to school...But, the second I got home, I lost it.

I couldn't keep my shit together. I just continued to cry, and cry.... I couldn't eat... Klay messaged me, My friend Lissa too... asking if they could do anything... all I could reply was, "I don't know. Have a good day." I still don't know what I can do to take away this aching... this overwhelming empty feeling.

I mean, I know it has to do with the sister-situation... I know that I should call and try again to apologize... But, I don't want to deal with what happens if she is still being a brat... and making this situation bigger than it is.... and hangs up at me, or tells me to get lost.. It would make me worse. I would fall apart even more.

Do I regret my initial response to her uncalled for email. I could have just ignored it. I could have thought about what she had written, and then responded in a more objective way after I had calmed down. But, she should have known better too... And, she has been such a bully recently... Inner voice is great to have, being able to express how you feel when you are upset, is wonderful too... But, there is a time and a place to do it... and a way.... 

**Sighs**

I just want to be able to get through this... without upsetting or angering any one else. I am trying not to have a panic attack around anyone... But, I have to go to work tomorrow... I hope I can be rested enough to do that....

I don't know what to do... and I'm just ranting on and on... Hoping for an answer to present itself. I know it's not going to... Just hope for the best I guess....

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