People Just as Crazy as Me

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Inspired...

I had the pleasure of going through someone's blog today.
A very old soul... 

Very intense words...

Made me think.

Of where I came from... How this all started... 

KVS - is a pseudo-name. It's what I hide behind via the internet.

My name is Jillian.
I am 26 years old.
I grew up in suburban Upstate New York.
I have an older sister.
A mother (by name) and a father

I pretty much had a normal cookie cutter childhood up until I was about 11 years old.
That's when it all started to suck. It's where everything changed.

My mother was in a horrible car accident, and from it... discovered she had MS.
MS does a lot of awful things to a body... but, it also brings out underlying symptoms, and psychosis, that a cunning person could hide. 
My mother did a 360, and turned into the woman I avoid to this very day.
She's psychotic, a cruel, and overall... I label her as a narcissistic sociopath.
She began psychologically, mentally, emotionally and physically abusing my sister and I.
We were never good enough.
We were never pretty enough.
We were never smart enough.
We were liars
We were cheaters
We were abusive

Of wait, I forgot, all of her fears and attributes, were placed on us.

My sister went to college before I did.... She left me alone.... Not her fault. She got out.
I can't blame her.

I had about 3 years... 
At the age of 17... after a major blow out... and abusive attack from my mother, I moved out.
I became an adult at the age of 17.
I worked full-time, and still stayed in school. I achieved the same grades I had been, and I graduated 10th in my class.
I went to pharmacy school.
I wanted to make something of myself.
AT ALL COSTS.

Moving out at 17, was hard. 
I was never allowed to have a life when I lived with my mother.
(Notice how I never mentioned my dad once in this, my father worked so that we could live a life that my mother had grown accustomed, at all costs. He even moved to Philadelphia so that she could maintain this lifestyle. But moving on...)
I didn't have many friends, and the friends I did have... were not the best. 
But, the loners liked me, they didn't care about all the little things. 
They were slightly broken, just like the way I felt about myself.

I went nuts. It's true, I did a lot of things I shouldn't have the summer that I graduated high school. I hung out with people twice my age. It didn't matter. I felt so liberated. I didn't see what was coming.
Pharmacy school didn't work out, because I didn't let it. I was so free, and had friends... not real friends, but the wolves always hide in sheeps clothing... I dropped out. I couldn't keep it going.
I was with a man.. who was 10 years my senior. I didn't notice the control he had gained over me... Why he was okay with me throwing away everything I had worked for.

He got me alone. Isolated. I dropped out of college, and I didn't think any of my family would get it. That's what he told me, the boyfriend, his name was Keith. The more and more isolated he got me... the more and more he started to abuse me. The more and more he pushed drugs on me.

Until one day... I had a habit. A bad one... and I couldn't see my natural skin tone, beneath the burns, cuts and bruises. I began to hurt myself, because it was the only way I felt something. I couldn't find my way out. I couldn't see me when I looked in the mirror anymore.... I was gone. I was just a shell.

Enter Nick.
He was so sweet. 
He seemed so different.
I met my ex-husband, when Keith was spending an extended time in a lap dance.
Nick was bouncing...
He told me I didn't need that.

But, Keith came out.. we went home... I thought I never see Nick again.
Until, I needed a new cell phone, and there selling me one, was Nick.
I really thought it was a sign.
We became friends, silently... if Keith ever knew, it would have been done... I would have been bad.
Nick started to see the cuts, the bruises... Nick took me out.
Nick grabbed my shit out of Keiths crummy apartment.. and took me away.
Whether we'd be together or not.
Which, we did... I fell in love with my savior... I hear it happens a lot in these situations.

We got married after 8 months.
Nick told me of all the things we would do.
How he would give me everything I needed... 
We would have the dream.

That was short lived.
With in two years, Nick lost interest in me, and wandered.
REALLY WANDERED.
The only way I knew to cope, was to start hurting myself again. To start my habit again.
I got lost... again.
I didn't have the proper coping skills.
I didn't know how to get through without it.
That was wrong, I see that now.. I should have asked for help.
To someone.
To ANYONE.
Nick didn't care. I left him alone this way. He was free to be what he wanted to be.

Enter Pregnancy.
Everything changed.
I stopped.
FOR ME.
I stopped for the life growing in me.
I vowed to be different.
I vowed to give everything to this child.
Nick didn't
Nick vowed to find a way to scheme so that the baby wouldn't interfere with the material possessions he took more stock in then the love of a family. And, the women, who would see the charm and appeal ... not the liar, cheater, and scumbag he really was. 

Emry was born, and I knew I'd be okay.
I began to drive myself forward.
I began to make myself who I needed to be. For my son.

I found me.
I love me.
I am comfortable with who I am as a person.
I weird.
I am quirky.
I am a bitch. 

But, I'm strong.
I'm smart.
I am capable.

I haven't made all the right decisions.
Quite the opposite.
I made all the wrong ones.
But, not anymore.
I do what's right.
I do what I have to do.
And I am proud of everything I have achieved.


And, I started out, as an introverted teenager. Begging to be heard. Begging to be loved by a mother, who was only capable over loving herself.

You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

I am tattooed.
I am pierced
I am beautiful.


That's my story, a synopsis of my life.


Be you.
Be strong.

Bide your time, until your moment comes.
Make the proper moves, so that you can do it.
Because no one is going to give it to you.



*nods*

I'm good.
That feels good....
hope it reads well... because I am not proofreading any of this.

Love to all.

Happy Sunday People!

4 comments:

  1. your words made me think about my life in a way that i never have before... i never thought it was possible that someone could be even in a similar situation than me. and i realized that i am going down the exact same road as you did, but i am putting an end to it. i am going to come up with a plan, wich, as for now includes
    1) saving money so i can move out as soon as possible
    2) staying out of the way of my mother
    3) knowing who are my true friends, and honestly after thinking about it there are really only 2

    thank you soo much, i cried when i read this, although i am still unsure of exactly why, probably because it felt like you were talking about me.
    alos i wanted to say that you are so brave, i know how hard it is to dig up the old memories you spent time trying to bury for so long, and i want to grow up and be like the person you are today...
    you have changed my life and inspired me

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  2. You go girl! What an awesome story of triumph! You're doing beautifully!

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  3. Amazing. Simply amazing. Thank you so much for sharing all of this - it took a lot of guts!

    And it did read well, just so you know! ;)

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  4. What an amazing post. Very inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing it!

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