Potpourri Friday

A poem

Pushed then Pulled
and I coming or going
Thoughts swirl in color
I feel like I'm a pot stirring

Things moving too fast
or not fast enough?
Am I really in control
Or is this just like the past?

Feel the wheels spinning
Feel the old thoughts creeping
Need to gain some distance
To prevent myself from slipping

Searching for something
Deep within me
Trying to be more
Than anyone expects me to be

Feeling alone
While in a crowded room
Is this really happening
Did I try to be happy too soon?

Need a break
Don't understand why
Nothings really transpired
But yet I can't help but sigh

Is this a mechanism?
Am I afraid to move forward
Subconsciously stopping myself
From feeling awkward

Never been this happy
So it seems to make sense
My old demons are fighting
To keep me on the defense

Don't leave me.
I'm trying to work this out.
It's so hard being so open
when my past has left me with such doubt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I am my own worst enemy.
From my panic anxiety attack of last night (we all read my freak out, right?)
Made myself permanently nauseous.
SO nauseous in fact, that I am having chicken noodle soup... for breakfast.
RIGHT?

And I'm my nausea isn't helping my anxiety issue....
I need to get over this.

Klay came over, and laid with me in bed last night, as my nausea was at it's peak.
I asked him why he came, because I really thought my text was in true "Angry Bitch" form.
His presence was soothing... "is there anything I can do?" was nice too.

And even though my only response was "Make me not nauseous."
My head was saying, I'm a mess, and I'm sorry, I can't control this emotional outburst, I'm going so nuts right now, that my stomach is doing back flips and I don't want you to see me break down again. I cry to fucking much.

Literally.
I've been way too open recently.
Yeah, it's good to be comfortable with your significant other, but, I am so afraid of overwhelming him... anyone for that matter.

My ex.
Nick.
THE SCUMBAG.
He always made me feel like I was ..... WEAK
(SIDE NOTE: Yes, I know only I can make myself FEEL anything... but you know what I mean)
My emotions were never received.
He never had any support for me.
I remember that I used to cry and cry..... for legitimate reasons.... and he would just stare at me.
Wouldn't even hold my hand.
And, it would make me cry more.
I was alone.
WITH HIM.
I was alone.
And, when he didn't know what to do with me... he'd go on the computer, or play a video game...
Never tried to help me.
So, I just stopped.
For a long time.
I really felt nothing, or did things that limited my emotional response.
And even when I wasn't doing "things".... I just learned to build up my walls so strong, and so high. That I wasn't even ticklish anymore.
I had no responses. Not happy. Not sad. Not angry. Just numb.

I had Emry. And my walls came down a little.. but just for Emry.
He's a cute PITA (pain in the ass)...... I can't help but melt around him.
I love him, true unconditional love.

But, everyone else.
Stayed at arm's distance.
And no one knew... they just thought it was "How Kateri IS"

It's not.
And, I started to grow, and started to let go.
I got 100% free, and back in my own skin...

But, my emotional walls, my trusting another person with my heart.
Stayed up.
Until I met Klay.
And, he crashed through them.
And, I love him.. unconditionally....

But, now that I am "there".........I hear Nick's voice, saying my words, "You're too emotional. He's not going to handle this. He's going to leave. Don't trust."


I then hear my inner strength talking, "Only you make yourself feel BROKEN. If he loves you, he will love all of you. Be you. You're exactly who you should be. There's nothing wrong with this."


And... my stomach does another back flip.

Ugh. I should do some work.

Until later.