People Just as Crazy as Me

Thursday, August 4, 2011

SOCIAL CUES AND BULLIES

(This Thursday Post coming from Home... nope not at work today and here is why:)

I am not sure if I have spoken about this.
I probably have.

Emry was getting "bullied" at school.

By bullied, I mean that on 4 separate occasions a little monster has put his hands (and in one case, mouth) on my child. 

And, now that I have a major problem with it... the pre-k camp seems to taking the slow way with this.

Why am I really home today?

My son, had a nightmare last night, about this bully coming in the house and hitting him again and again.

I had to show him that this kid wasn't in our house before we went back to bed, and he told me he didn't want to come to school today.

So, I called out of work and called him out of school. But left a message to speak with the Director (AGAIN.)

So, I get her on the phone, and even though she admits that the other childs "hands-on" behavior isn't right.... she says, Emry is sort of to blame too.

Why, after I have been told repeatedly that Emry was not the aggressor, and now he's sort of the problem too... I don't know... but listen to this.

She tells me that:
  • Emry is a great listener, but sometimes he listens better than everyone else. Like when they are asked as a group to clean up, Emry cleans up his stuff fast, and then cleans up the other children's stuff as well...This makes the other students frustrated. 
    (Yeah, my kid takes cleaning pressure off other kids and it's now a "problem".)
  • Sometime's Emry will not ask to join in play, and just sets himself in to a group. How is this a problem you ask? Well, it doesn't give the other children the chance to tell him No.
    (So, Emry trying to interact and make friends regardless of cliques being made, is now a "problem".)
  • And the big problem. Emry doesn't pick up on social cues.
    (This is why I brought him to this place, they told me they would help Emry become "socially aware" since his last facility was content on everyone just watching TV.... so now, it's my "problem")
So these three things, in the eyes of the Director, makes Emry equally to blame for his bullying.
I am trying to stay calm on this.

I am not trying to be that mother.

I understand that my son is still learning how to "play".
I understand that my son doesn't notice when others are angry and need space. It happens at home a lot. He thinks that if I get frustrated, what I need is more attention and then I will feel better. He wants to basically, "Hug it out".

But, what upsets me is, all the teachers... have told me that EMRY IS NOT THE PROBLEM. That this other boy, Justin, has had this behavior before. That him (and his sister for that matter) do not have manners, are mean, and spoiled, and moody.

Okay, so if my kid doesn't pick up on the social cues of a BAD KID, that's because he hasn't learned them. BECAUSE I DON'T RAISE HIM TO ACT LIKE THAT BAD PAIN IN THE ASS KID. 

So of course he doesn't pick up on the cues that someone is about to be a brat.
Because HE ISN'T A BRAT.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

But, still, I am going to work on his awareness of Social Cues at home.
I read that showing your child a magazine, that has multiple peoples expressions can help.

Ask them how the person in the picture might feel, and then talk it out with him.


Notice, I identify his role of not understanding, but not that he is to blame for the bullying.

I don't think the two really go hand in hand.

I also wish that Emry didn't go out of this way to be nice to this boy.... Just so Justin won't pick on him.
I wish Emry would take my advice and just give Justin some space.
But, at 4... he doesn't quite understand that. 

We'll get there. 

Lots of listening with our ears, eyes, and now hearts... 

Klay and I have a meeting at 415p with the Director and Emry.
In which we will discuss this entire situation, and how we all, as a family and school, can get him through it until he moves on to his next school... a month....


In my opinion... 

This little brat needs to keep his hands off my son.
Where a 4 year old boy learns that hitting is the answer, I will never know.
My son knows not to use his hands.

Very early on I have said to Emry (at the age of 2, when hitting is a factor, mind you, I had this under control before 30 months of age)

YOU DON'T HIT UNLESS YOU INTEND TO BE HIT.
YOU DON'T PINCH UNLESS YOU INTEND TO BE PINCHED.
Slapping, Biting, pushing, etc, etc,etc.

And, that may seem like the wrong way to do it.
But, note, MY KID DOESN'T HAVE A HANDS ON PROBLEM!


I got so scared about this social cue thing, that I started looking up "My son has a problem with social cues."
I started pulling up articles about Aspergers, and ADHD, and Developmental Disorders.

I started reading things, and reading small similarities in my situation.... 

And, then I shook my head violently.
Yes, I do believe children have these disorders....

But, I do not think NOW is the time to try and diagnose my kid.

These are NORMAL things kids go through.
  1. He doesn't isolate himself, he actively wants to be part of a group.
  2. He speaks clearly.
  3. He makes eye contact.
  4. He is easily distracted... 
  5. He listens to directions and follows through... with assistance.
  6. He does get frustrated.
  7. He does stutter, when he doesn't think before he speaks, but that's when he's excited
  8. He does know what my ANGRY face is... so he understands THAT social cue.
  9. He can walk up to a kid and instantly start playing with them.... doesn't find it hard to make friends.
  10. He doesn't understand when people change their minds about what to play.

All the above are normal.
In my book.

He is learning how to be a good kid.
He is learning how to keep his personality, and still follow the rules.

He isn't sheltered.. so he has his own opinion.
I think that's wonderful.

I was that way.
My cousins (12 & 14) were that way

AND WE ARE ALL FINE.

What I am going to do in this afternoons meeting, is listen and encourage Emry to do the positive things I know will be suggested, but, standing my ground on the fact that he isn't the aggressor, so he needs to be held at a slightly higher ground then the kid who lashes out and uses his hands. 

And, I am not leaving that office until I have some resolution.
That's that.

(Oh on a side note: Our meeting is at 415p and the brats parental meeting is at 545p... I am banking on my ability to speak for a long period of time, and just bump into these parents, so that they can see my face, as I walk out of the office.... and see that I fucking mean business about their son keeping his paws off my kid. It's not right. Discipline your kid.... Dammit.)

Thanks for reading.
Please keep tuned in.

Please give me encouragement and advice (whether it is a positive or negative critique I still appreciate it).

2 comments:

  1. Your son sounds like any 4 year old I have encountered. Don't worry about him! :)

    This director sounds awfully absurd, in my opinion. The child has physically HURT yours and your son has done nothing but be nice. I am sorry but I would be laying it on super thick this afternoon. If she thinks it is okay for this other child to hurt your son because your son cleans up his stuff, or wants to play with him, then I think maybe she needs a lesson herself. I have found that a threat to call the state has usually worked in my favor for these types of incidences. Just sayin'...

    Good luck sweetie! :)

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  2. It seems as though your child is perfectly fine to me. My daughter has some social issues as well. we practice facial expressions daily. I'll give her a face, she'll say what it means, or if she's frustrating me, i make sure and have her look at my face when i'm telling her this, so she can see the reaction. it seems to be working great! just keep being an amazing mom and everything will work out. but seriously make sure those bully parents know you mean business, and hopefully they will give their kid a swift kick in the pants. :)

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