People Just as Crazy as Me

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Tuesday #2

I think I have hit my point.
My limit.

I think I'm just about done.

With what?

All of this ... crap.

I'm done working.
I rather be poor than be wasting my life at this desk.

Parenting.
It's all about the kid , the kid, the kid... when is it ever about me? DAMMIT!!!!

Facebook.
Dear Facebook, suck it... you are wasting my life.

Dating.
I love him. I don't need him. In the end, he deserves to have a life with someone who can be with him, not someone like me, who has to budget a kid around for a day alone with him. That's not fair to him.

Weight management.
I want a eggs, bacon and pancakes for breakfast, a huge burger and fries for lunch, and jalapeno poppers, steak, and loaded mashed potato's for dinner... Ben & Jerry's please bring the tractor trailer to my house for dessert.

FUCK EVERYTHING.
I'm DONE

I AM DONE.

**GROWLS**

---------------------------

Ahhh.
Okay I have vented.
I had my personal, screaming, "I don't want to do anything." rant.

Let me tell you it was needed.

Even though, I know everyone has been super busy, and I am really just venting to myself.
Which is fine, I need to get it out.

I just have hit this wall of depression. Yes, that's what I have decided that my jittery, nausea is.
D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.

It sucks, and it is real.
And even though, I vent a lot here.
I don't really talk to anyone about it.
Not even Klay.
My friend Melissa suggested I could be, and I kind of waved it off.

But upon thinking about it.
I AM.
I AM SAD AND DEPRESSED.

I feel stuck.

I am afraid to proceed with life.
I am afraid to make wrong decisions.

I am afraid to run out of money, and have to go back on medicaid/welfare.
I am afraid that I will not provide for my son, and give him the life he deserves.

I got so far, and now, I feel like I'm at a plateau... that wants to decline drastically.

Why don't I talk to Klay?

Because, I'm afraid of Klay.
I am afraid of what he represents.
I am afraid that he's going to disappear.
We are hitting an anniversary soon... and I'm freaking out.
We both have had busy days at work, projects that need to be overcome...
And, we both... seem....... complacent with each other.
Not as sparkly as normal.

Which bothers me.
I know it can't be all sparkly awesomeness forever.
But, seriously....
I'm feeling lost in that.

I don't want to be a routine.
I want this relationship to be something.

Unrealistic expectations.

(come on, every girl has had the story book fantasy in their head... and they lived happily ever after.)

My depression is making my unrealistic fears and expectations bigger.

I need a break from all this.
But, can't financially take it.

Hell, I can't even go to the doctor and pay the copay and/or for the prescriptions that come along with being depressed.

FUCK THIS.

I want to get a day pass from life.

But, then, I think of Emry.
And I have to move on.
I have to get through it.
Regardless of how awful I feel inside.
Regardless of how scared I am.
There is no other option.

I have to be "me".
The "strong one".
The one who compartmentalizes EVERYTHING.

And that's how it's going to be.

And no one will hear about it.
Because who wants to hear me vent?
Who isn't going through their own shit?

Why is mine any more important than the next persons?

ITS NOT.

Moving on.
Vent spree over.

Hope you enjoyed it.
If you ever read it.



3 comments:

  1. Rant and vent all you want girl. I may not always comment, but I always read what you have to say!

    I hope that you are okay, and by that I mean that you can be strong for Emry. You are an amazing mother and an amazing woman (at least from what I see).

    I hope that you can figure it all out soon. I have most certainly been there before... and probably will be again, so I can relate. Just know that I'm thinkin' 'bout ya! :)

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  2. I felt the same way for a long time, and the doc actually told me it was anxiety. The meds help. And there is nothing wrong with getting help.

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  3. Thanks ladies!

    @Heather: There is nothing wrong with getting help... just don't have the money or time to get it. Help is expensive.

    Ho-hum.

    <3 u girls

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