Let me start out by saying,
I am not looking for sympathy here.
Or negative attention.
I just really feel like a shitty parent today.
It all started last night.
I ran out of tampons...
(So yeah, I'm PMS'ing as well...)
Emry was already sleeping, and my dad wasn't getting home from work really late.
Klay had left for the evening.
So, there was no way to get out of the house.
I knew that I would have to go to the grocery store FIRST THING in the morning, before Emry went to school, and before I went to work.
No big deal, right?
This morning, Emry wakes up with a sore throat.... So, I tell him that I have throat spray, but he has to eat first. So that whatever drips into his stomach, doesn't upset it.
Fine. Good. Still No Big Deal... Right?
Emry does that, he eats. Doesn't quite finish his juice, but, he could finish it after he got dressed.
I get him dressed, and then get the spray ready..... he sees the bottle.
"What do you mean NO? Your throat hurts, right?"
"Then open up, one spray and you're good."
"NO." *Slams mouth shut*
I start to get frustrated.
This is because I look at the time, and I realize, that if we don't leave in 5 minutes, I am not going to be able to go to the grocery store, get him to latchkey, and get on the highway to beat traffic enough to get to work ON TIME. (Which has been an issue as of lately, with him being in this new school... I've been not getting to work exactly on time. No one has said anything, but I know they will eventually.)
"Emry, you need to take this, or else your throat will still hurt... I will not force you, so please open your mouth."
"I want my thoat to hurt now."
I slam the bottle down... and am now infuriated... this is not the day... I'm overwhelmed, and now we are WASTING TIME.
So, I quickly brush his hair... it doesn't look great, but whatever at this point, and I'm starting to clean up, so we can leave...
"Mama, I'll take the spray now."
Before I knew what happened, I turned around, and slapped Emry as hard as I could. My anger filled rage struck him on the side of his back.
He starts to sob.
I don't hit him, not like that.
He'll get spanked when he's bad.
But, he wasn't bad this time.... He was being a 4 year old.
I quickly held him and apologized. Over and Over again.
He still teared up.
He still kept crying.
I lifted his shirt... the area was reddening...
And I couldn't make him stop.
He was in his right, I messed up, I WAS A HORRIBLE MOTHER.
I lost my cool.
And it breaks my heart.
I knew I was going to be late now, and I was okay with it.
Why now, after I royally fucked up, was I okay with it?
Why couldn't I have been okay with it, before I unnecessarily struck my child?
I apologized to him again.
He told me it was okay.
"NO Emry, it is NOT okay, I was wrong, and it will never happen again."
And.... so, we took out time... I got the stupid fucking tampons... got him into school a little late... but it's latchkey... whatever... I got on the road to work.
I got to work early.
For the first time all month.
I don't know how. Since I got onto the road 30 minutes late, for my 45 - 60 min drive.
I still got to work early.
I FEEL LIKE SHIT.
I FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE MOTHER.
And, I FEEL LIKE I LET MY KID DOWN.
I, officially feel like my mother, who would hit us and berate us for no reason.
And, I am not okay with it.
Okay, y'all can commence the flogging.