You are in Kindergarten, on your very first day....and I'm sitting at work... silently sobbing at my desk.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you, and how excited I am for your new beginning.
I know that throughout the years you will have many new beginnings, and that I probably will be crying my way through them...
I dropped you off at Latchkey and watched you instantly charm the Assistant, and become the "big helper" of the day. Thank you for being so easy going, and adjusting to change so well.
I'm sorry I won't be there to pick you up. I am glad that Klay can be there to see you, at the end of your very first day. I can't wait to hear about it.
This is my silent letter to you.
I love you.
He should be getting out any minute from his first day of school.
I want to hear all about it.
I'm feeling mopey since I can't be there to see it...
But, here I am, at work, bringing in that needed paycheck.
Special dinner tonight.
Anywhere he wants to go.
(Thank the gods, my sons refined taste leads him to Chuck E. Cheese!)
Last night, Klay saw a commercial about a father and son building a tree house. And he made a comment, that one day he wants to a tree house for he and Emry. No Girls Allowed. I almost cried.
(SIDE NOTE: Now let me clarify, since I have a few new readers... It isn't that Klay not being Emry's biological father...
What it is: Klay likes to flip flop between... his privacy, and being a family with us. It's exhausting.
I don't know where we stand as of now... I know where we will stand in the distant future... but, not how far into the future... It isn't a fun place to be.... And that's why I feel the need to push Klay away.
Honestly, I do not want him to change who he is (since he's amazing) because we're such a big entity... However, I do not want Emry to associate a father figure, with someone he sees in the evenings and weekends. I want Emry to know a father figure as someone who is there for him... Who lives with us... Who is with us. Is that wrong?)
Klay noticed that my eyes were welling up, and I had this pained smile... I just kept slowly shaking my head. He laughed nervously and faced me on the couch... Waiting for me to explain. I didn't... I shrugged it off, and changed the subject. He didn't press, which is good... I just don't know how to say it. I don't know how to tell him that these glimmers of our distant future... bring me happiness, as well sadness. It's like hanging a treat in front of a dogs nose and then taking it away saying, "Not yet!"
"Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Silent fortress built to last
Wonder how I('ll) ever ma(ke) it through"
Days almost half over.
I can make it.
I think I can.