People Just as Crazy as Me

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Can you blame me?

I play a multitude of different instruments.. well.
My mom and dad really thought that I'd be a singing, dancing, music playing Artist.. who'd make tons and tons of money.

That never happened....
Too much control involved....
My mothers control....
But, that's not where I was going with this.

I play:
  • Guitar
  • Piano
  • Clarinet
  • Trumpet
  • Violin
  • Flute
  • Pan-flute
  • Saxophone
  • and a few other woodwind instruments... they're basically all the same when you break it down.
The only instrument I keep up with anymore... is the guitar.

If I am sad, happy, mad, elated, depressed or feeling alone, I can pick it up... and play... suddenly I"m okay.
I can emerse myself into it... learn a new song... Just really.... committ... Whatever is wrong... just disappears.

I haven't played... in about.... 5 months.
I love my guitar... and I haven't played in 5 months.

What is wrong with me?
Why am I pulling away from something that gives me joy?
Have I been that busy that I can't give myself that luxury?
The answer is... no... I haven't.

Is it that Klay is always around, and I'm a little ..... shy... when it comes to performing for others.
(Another reason why I'm not a raving success in this area... I get horrible stage fright... HORRIBLE.)

Is it that when Klay isn't around, there is so much other things I need to be focusing on that I just pass out when I'm done with them?

I can't tell you.

But, today, like getting hit with a brick... "I haven't played, in forever."

The thought echoed around my head... and then dissipated.

I want to play.
I want to lose myself.
I want to be... myself.....

I'm finding out that I have been more of the "provider and mother" then myself...
Which... being said.

I am a working mother, that is my role in this world....I am also someone's other....  but, I'm also a woman.
I am also just a person.... I have needs and wants of my own, that exsist outside of my "role".

I need to do something about this.
I need to be me.

It's not just about the guitar.
It's about my routine.
It's about my schedule... that contains everything necessary except for ME time.
Even just a little.
I'm always doing so much to maintain our life.. keep everyone happy....
But, me, I push it aside.

I think this came about when this past weekend, we did things for me, that I wanted to do.
The apple/pumpkin picking, the gourmet pizza parlor (trust me delicious)... the arts/crafts/music faire....

I was high off of doing things I liked.
Neglecting house work... and just being in the moment.

I want to continue that.

I think I want to be alone...more often...
Not saying that I want Emry to go away... or Klay for that matter.
I just think that af Emry goes to bed.. I should do less "necessities", I mean seriously, it'd be there the next day, and I wouldn't slack that bad.
I think that maybe 20 minutes (at the very least) of guitar time or reading... would be good for me...
Guitar time for the nights Klay is in Klayworld...
Reading time when he is in our world....

------------

Is that bad?
Can you blame me for wanting some me time?

Should I totally give up on this... suck it up and move along?

I really wish I had more to say on it.
I really wish when I read this back it came out as more than, self indulgent dribble....

I really wish that I was happy content with my surroundings..... but I'm not.

I need more.
I need something more.

Something that would reward me enough to keep me focused....
Not that the roof over my head isn't enough.
Not that Emry's smile doesn't make all this stupidity worth it...
Not that I haven't found the most amazing, helpful, kindhearted man in the tri-state area....

Blah.
Feeling stupid.
Feeling insecure....
Feeling lonely in a crowded room
Feeling empty
Feeling no one gets it...
Feeling time ticking slowly by.

Meh.

Sorry for this.

But, can you blame me?

3 comments:

  1. I can quite relate to that. I'm on my own now and my son is grown and I'm divorced, so I am still a year later learning who the hell I am after so many roles and expectations. I keep myself so busy with my ambitions that I don't spend time alone except when I go to bed, and that ends up being worry time instead of insightful time. So, I went and did some things my ex would never approve of. I made a little altar with important items, got some feng shui incenses, put the radio on hip hop music and dance. All things I couldn't do when he was underfoot. So, picking up the guitar and just playing through your soul and not your mind, you will let out lots of emotions that you "don't have time for." It's a part of you. If you are going to set an example that you are still yourself in spite of being a mom so your children will know what to expect in a grown woman, then you need to really play with your quirks and individuality. My son is grown now, but he once thanked me for always being a writer, an artist, and a ghost hunter in spite of my ex disapproving of them all. He just graduated with an art degree and is publishing his first book and enjoys ghost hunting. So, your interests don't just influence you, they show your children the pleasure of being an adult--doing it all and having fun.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, I was just going to say, "Go ahead and pick up that guitar again - what have you got to lose?" But somebody didn't leave me enough ro-

    ReplyDelete
  3. @autumn: Loved your comment.. I really think you and I are kindred to meet and get into michief.

    @eric: liar liar pants on fire! hahaha

    ReplyDelete