People Just as Crazy as Me

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I wish you knew...


I wish you knew exactly what I felt.
I wish you actually snuck around and read this fucking blog...

You know, be normal.. and curious... what I am telling people hundreds of times a day....
But, you're not...

So, I guess in the end it's better... since I am more free to rant and rave... bitch, moan and groan.

I brought you dinner.
You were hungry, and didn't want to drive in the rain.
Like a good girlfriend, I did it.
I love you.. why wouldn't I?

I walked into your apartment, and now that the remod is 99.9% finished, it hit me.
When I say it hit me, I mean it slapped me hard in the face like a woman named Taquisha with long acrylic overlays on her nails.

What hit me?
The fact that this is your home.
That the home that we hope to set up for Emry... that Emry has been pushing for, like Mexican drug lords push the borders into the US....
Isn't going to happen.
For a LONG time.
It hit me that, you, your privacy, and your life... are here.
Not with us.
No matter how we shade it.

I am fine with your privacy.
I am fine with your space.
Emry's not.
Emry never will be.
He doesn't run this show...
But, his well being is the most important thing to me.

I need to back off.
I am not becoming fond of the... moving forward... without any actual movement.

You don't need to appease me because you think you're going to lose me.
It's okay to take a step back.
It's okay to going back to when we were less... intense.

I'm just tired of this being a "serious committed" relationship.... when it isn't.
At all.

We're just lying to each other.
And thus, lying to Emry.

I can't handle that anymore.
He doesn't understand the concept of time.
This is the longest anyone has been in his life... in your capacity...
I do not want him to think that the way we are.... together yet separate is normal.
Because it isn't.
It's the best we have to offer at this moment and time.
But, I can't anymore.

Somehow tonight.
Somehow the recent events...
Have made it glaringly obvious...
That maybe this isn't the right path anymore...

That's it.
That's all I have to say.

I don't know where I will take this.
I don't know how I will proceed.

I never do.
I... just.... don't have the patience or peace of mind... to rationale out the way this is going anymore.

Isn't good enough anymore.

I love you.
Is the most power word and feeling...
But.... I can't say that this love overpowers Emry.. or the fact I feel I am indulging myself with this... even if it is stunting him.



Couldn't actually send this in an email to him....
Had to write it down.

Down mind me.



  1. That is so rough, I'm glad your thinking of your son, but I'm sad for you. Keep the smart head on your shoulders and I'm sure it will all work out.

  2. Tell him. Feelings kept inside like that fester.