I'm really lost... the past few weeks.
I've really lost the sparkle, and the joy of this life.
I'm 27, this shouldn't happen.
It's a fact.
It's a fact.
But, come on, who isn't?
The Ex, supposedly underwent the drug-testing, and supposedly the doctors office is mailing me the results...
He wants to see Emry for Christmas, or New Years Eve (The Ex's Birthday).
I still have yet to see this drug test.
So, we'll see if it ever appears... I doubt it.
But, still, I hate when this loser just pops in to make problems.
Emry is finally happy...
Emry is finally starting to get into a groove, and feel safe in his surroundings.
Emry FINALLY has a base...
Why does this guy have to always pop in and SCREW IT UP.
I'm glad that I've put the restrictions on it... I'm glad I set up these hurdles, to prove that he's in the proper place to be a parent. . . .
I still..... am very weary about him ever spending time with my son.
Nick is a liar, a schemer, procrastinator... He will do anything in order NOT to follow the rules.
If I actually receive paperwork from a "doctor's office"... I'm going to need to check it out... I'm going to have to verify it's actually NICK's.
I wouldn't put it past him to FORGE such a piece of paper.
And, if I receive a typed letter saying that he's drug-free... I'm so calling the doctor directly.
Is this your signature?
Did you type this?
Blow up this losers spot.
Stressed over this.
I want my kid safe.
Nick will NEVER be safe.
Then comes the problem of spending December 23, 2011 with HIS family... so that Emry can see his grandmother, great grandmother, aunt and cousin.
I am all about doing the right thing.
I fear that one of these meetings will result in Nick showing up... or a gift being presented on his behalf.
Then the questions come from Emry.
So.. I think I am going to try and meet these people for dinner at the half way point... and swap gifts... then leave. I'm uncomfortable being in their home, as I am sure they are uncomfortable in being in mine.
So Flipping Stressed.
Christmas Eve will be spent going from Lunch at Klay's Parents to Dinner at My Uncles...
More stress.. more making sure every base is covered.... That we get everywhere when we are supposed to.
But, at least I won't have to cook.....
There is a distance growing between Klay and I.
Something is changing.
I'm really not sure what is causing it...
But, I predicted it in the beginning... the very beginning....
Good things just don't last for me...
And even though he is going through the motions...
I feel they are more for Emry's benefit then mine.....or even his own benefit.
It was very apparent last night........
You could feel the tension between us so much, that, I WILLINGLY DID CHORES instead of laying with him on the couch.
Then he wanted to mush, then he wanted to stay (Sunday is the night that he goes home. He has a life too..)
and I didn't want him to.
I really wanted him to go home.
He was almost insistent to stay, until I told him to "Go Home" and used the excuse of him messing with our schedule, and if he stays Sundays into Mondays... then it leaks into staying all the time... and I don't want him to resent me that he has NONE of his own time.
He said okay, accepted my answer, and went home.
I just really...
I don't want to lose him...
But I also don't want this tension...
This lack of a connection...
I would rather know what was going on in his head...
But, since that isn't going to happen even though "I'd tell you if there was something wrong." was said...
and I know there is.......
I just have to deal.
I vent here... as so I don't jump to conclusions in person.
I figure out my head here, so that I don't turn in to an oober freak, and have an explosion moment.
It's safe here.
I like it here.
(See no problem writing today, I got a LOT on my mind... You were right Eric.....)
A lot of my prior relationship issues flow out, when I get nervous with Klay.
I remember how things used to be.
Not living in the past, but I am definitely scarred by it.
My ex stopped sleeping with me after I had the baby... he said I was fat.
I'm still a little heavier than I should be, but I work consistently at it, and I swear, 15-20 more pounds and I'd be a happy camper. I'd be at a "healthy" BMI. So that's my goal.
But still.. regardless of all the progress I made, and how beautiful I am told to be.... I still feel fat. I still feel ugly....... I still look in the mirror and wonder why Klay would sleep with me.
I wonder why any man would look at me and think, "That's a good looking chick."
I know my ex stopped sleeping with me, because he was sleeping around... I get that.
But, I can't stop feeling very insecure in my skin....
So, I need to start working out consistently again... and getting that confidence back.
6 months ago, I would have told you I was fine... but, everything has gone soft... since the lack of exercise.
Soft = my insecurity growing.
Nick stopped wanting to be around me.
He called me a bitch.....an ice queen.......That I made him feel bad about himself.
and I am a bitch... but I am far from an Ice Queen. I consistently try to make people happy, and go above and beyond the normalcy's.
I know he wanted not to be around me because he didn't love me.....I know he didn't love himself, and looked for love everywhere he could find it.
I know these things weren't REALLY because of me.
They still hurt though.
It still hurts that I was divorced by the age of 26.
I am still scared that the man that I put my heart and soul in now... will disappear for the same reasons as the last.
Because in the end... you never know what's going on behind someones eyes. What they are really thinking about you...... how they really feel.
He loves me.
Is he in love with me?
Does that ever really happen?
Klay's birthday is this coming Sunday...
And.... I am fearful about his birthday and the impending holiday...
With this distance forming, is it only going to deteriorate after this Holiday Season?
I'm not sure.
But, I'm scared.
I'm afraid about Emry having to endure this problem, both losing his actual father to STUPIDITY, and the possibility of losing a man he feels to be his father.........
I've got only you few who read this to rely on.........
But at the end of the day......
I'm alone in my own head.
And right now.... it isn't a safe place to be.