People Just as Crazy as Me

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

*nods*

I read a couple of posts this morning that really......well, hit me hard.

There were actually 3 of them.... any way.

One of them spoke of taking care of yourself... because in the end, you need to be there for your kids. No one else is going to do this for you. I've been neglecting myself, regardless of the recent medical diagnoses that I have received.

I think I am going to get that massage, as it will be beneficial for my pain syndrome(s) and my mental health.

Making the appointment as soon as I know WHEN someone can watch Emry for an extended period. Klay or Dad will step up... But, I need to make sure it's on a weekend when I can....be.......MUSHY and USELESS.

The other 2......well, they hit home.......literally back to my childhood situation.
About the need for a mother, that I will never have.... Because she will never see her problems and get help for them......Even if I apologize for things that weren't my fault, she will never really move past it.... She will never be the mother I crave.

And it will always leave a void in me that I will have to live with.



I think that's why I over compensate.
Why I am trying to be the best mother I can be.
Give Emry a real life, and show him that a mother can be strong... and loving.....
You know......
LIKE THIS... I WANT HIM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS


My mother was a scheming no-good abusive NUTJOB.
She used to call us fat. ALL THE TIME.
I was 5'4 and 90 lbs, and I WAS STILL FAT.
I was the one who stayed small.......because I didn't want to be a fatty.
My sister, took it to heart, and built the weight up around her, making Defensive Armor.

We still have major image issues due to that womans mental/emotional abuse.

Then there was the physical abuse.
I won't go there today.

So.........
Where am I going with this?

Oh.......

Wait. Fuck...... I don't remember.

I really did have a point.


Okay.
I got it.

POINT BEING MADE... STOP AND TAKE NOTICE


I will never be able to do everything.
I will not always be STRONG
I will fail, from time to time.
I will not be perfect
I will not be SUPER MOM every day.
But:
I will never make my son feel stupid because of my insecurities
I will never set IMPOSSIBLE goals for my son, only to beat him when he doesn't achieve them.
I will not drug myself up (Prescription or otherwise) and then make my child take care of me in my sub-conscious state.
I will not allow my insecurities, and mental issues to break me down so far that I cannot be a decent mother.
I WILL NOT ALLOW MY PHYSICAL AILMENTS TO STOP ME FROM PLAYING, INTERACTING, OR BEING A MOTHER TO MY SON.

And.
I promise this.

Why?
Because I know how shitty it feels to have a SELFISH woman raise you, while she pisses away all the hard earned money your father made to support you all with........

I wanted a real mother, fuck, I still want a real mother.....
But, the hell if I will settle for what I was given...

7 comments:

  1. I'd give you the old fashioned "you go girl" but I don't know it suits the situation well enough. Good for you for empowering yourself to give better than what you were given.

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  2. Welcome to the human race. We're all imperfect, much as we'd wish otherwise.

    But we can improve, and make things better going forward than they were in our pasts, especially for our children.

    Learn from the mistakes that were made and strive not to just repeat them, like so many often do. It's not always easy to do what's right, but it's better than doing wrong just because it's easier.

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  3. Before my mother died, I quit the cat syndrome. What is the cat syndrome? Where I would drag my accomplishments to her doorstep and hope that it made my owner happy. She would never approve, never take pride in me, never think it was good enough. I also reconciled that if I met someone in public I didn't like, who wasn't a pleasant person, I wouldn't hang with them. My mother was the person who, if I met her in real life and wasn't related to her, I would not want anything to do with--totally toxic. I realized that you grow up physically, but not always emotionally. Such was her case. She was working with very little emotional capability and way beyond her skill set. The Peter principle in action. I knew that I would never get the mother I wanted, never get the approval I sought, but then I realized my criteria for friends and people I have close in my life is about their heart, their soul and their sense of humor. I was exactly the kind of person I would want to hang with. That criteria was all I needed to quit contorting myself and fighting against my nature and be the real me. When I became the real me, the world treated me with amazing karma. I spent 26 years in a marriage, changing everything about me to adapt to his likes and dislikes, even coloring my hair. I was a shell of a person. No one ever really knew me. I didn't know me. I had no self respect because I knew I was posing to be what he and my mother wanted. When you are your genuine unguarded self, you like yourself and everyone else too. All I can say is, "do you want her standards? Look what it created." So, you have your own standards for you and for Emry and those reap the rewards of self love and the love of other people who want to be with something genuine and precious. Very good insights for the end of 2011. And, please remember that you do have an ideal mother--the mother of Emry. She knows how to put love and caring first. Let her take care of you. If it's good enough for Emry, it's good enough for you.

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  4. Get that massage! To be the kind of mother you want to be, you have to take care of yourself, too.

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  5. thank you for this, it was truly beautiful.
    "I will never be able to do everything.
    I will not always be STRONG
    I will fail, from time to time.
    I will not be perfect
    I will not be SUPER MOM every day."
    ^those words may very well end up taped to my fridge. xoxo

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  6. Very well written. None of us are perfect. All we can do is the best we can with the cards that were dealt to us. You seem to be playing your hand well.

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  7. So sorry to hear this. Still though, you sound more real and someone i would most surely, definitely, positively hang out with, in comparison to some "perfect" people i know. I too am imperfect, i make mistakes and blunders sue me. I'm only human. I wish you much strength, love and happiness in 2012. You are awesome!

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