There were actually 3 of them.... any way.
One of them spoke of taking care of yourself... because in the end, you need to be there for your kids. No one else is going to do this for you. I've been neglecting myself, regardless of the recent medical diagnoses that I have received.
I think I am going to get that massage, as it will be beneficial for my pain syndrome(s) and my mental health.
Making the appointment as soon as I know WHEN someone can watch Emry for an extended period. Klay or Dad will step up... But, I need to make sure it's on a weekend when I can....be.......MUSHY and USELESS.
The other 2......well, they hit home.......literally back to my childhood situation.
About the need for a mother, that I will never have.... Because she will never see her problems and get help for them......Even if I apologize for things that weren't my fault, she will never really move past it.... She will never be the mother I crave.
And it will always leave a void in me that I will have to live with.
I think that's why I over compensate.
Why I am trying to be the best mother I can be.
Give Emry a real life, and show him that a mother can be strong... and loving.....
|LIKE THIS... I WANT HIM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS|
My mother was a scheming no-good abusive NUTJOB.
She used to call us fat. ALL THE TIME.
I was 5'4 and 90 lbs, and I WAS STILL FAT.
I was the one who stayed small.......because I didn't want to be a fatty.
My sister, took it to heart, and built the weight up around her, making Defensive Armor.
We still have major image issues due to that womans mental/emotional abuse.
Then there was the physical abuse.
I won't go there today.
Where am I going with this?
Wait. Fuck...... I don't remember.
I really did have a point.
I got it.
POINT BEING MADE... STOP AND TAKE NOTICE
I will never be able to do everything.
I will not always be STRONG
I will fail, from time to time.
I will not be perfect
I will not be SUPER MOM every day.
I will never make my son feel stupid because of my insecurities
I will never set IMPOSSIBLE goals for my son, only to beat him when he doesn't achieve them.
I will not drug myself up (Prescription or otherwise) and then make my child take care of me in my sub-conscious state.
I will not allow my insecurities, and mental issues to break me down so far that I cannot be a decent mother.
I WILL NOT ALLOW MY PHYSICAL AILMENTS TO STOP ME FROM PLAYING, INTERACTING, OR BEING A MOTHER TO MY SON.
I promise this.
Because I know how shitty it feels to have a SELFISH woman raise you, while she pisses away all the hard earned money your father made to support you all with........
I wanted a real mother, fuck, I still want a real mother.....
But, the hell if I will settle for what I was given...