I was tired.
I was overworked.
I came home to Klay and Emry (Klay had picked him up from school.... again...)
I came home to this look on Klay's face...
He looked disinterested.
He looked bored.
(I even told him...asked him if he wanted to go...)
He said he would in a "little while".
Which is a common phrase, sometimes it means a few hours, some times it means 30 minutes. I never know. So, I said okay... but, as soon as I was upstairs giving Emry a bath, Klay appeared to give me a kiss goodnight, and to leave.
I heard him take a phone call while getting the bath ready... and he was almost instantly gone after.
No biggie... Right? I mean, if you got things to do, whatever.
So, I figured picking up Emry had detracted from something else he needed to do.
And since he has volunteered to get him again on Friday, since Emry doesn't have school.. I sent him the following:
"thank you for your help today. I promise after this week I will make better arrangements for Emry. You're not a daycare service/driver."
I got back in response:
"Baby you make a bigger deal out of this than it is. Me watching Emry is a part of our relationship, it's not like it's a problem."
And then I felt something kind of break.
"You watching Emry is a favor you do me. Emry is an extension of our relationship. It is a big deal, and its becoming apparent that I shouldn't lean so heavy on you. You give up a lot of your time to play house with us and that's not fair."
Yup. I typed it, and hated it as soon as it was sent out.... PLAY HOUSE.
Yup, I told him we were playing house.
I got no response.
I haven't sent anything back since.
But, honestly, it's just starting to feel that way, and I should have known better to type when peeved.
- It is a big deal you take care of my kid for me.
- It's a big deal to me.
- And the fact it isn't a big deal to you, sounds nice, but it should be. You are caring for someone else's child, when you, have your own life.
- Emry being part of our relationship... that got me too.... Yes, he's involved... an extension of it... He comes with the package... But, he's not part of it.... It just seems like Klay doesn't have a choice in the matter....
- I shouldn't lean so heavy on him. It isn't right, especially when his privacy is his #1 need. Trust me, he has told me how "important" his privacy is, and how much he loves that I respect that.
- I am losing my mind. My son refers to him as daddy, and when he's there, based on that reason alone, I am becoming blurred. Then Klay leaves, and I have to deal with the same issue of Emry having a coming/going Daddy. Emry chose the word, it wasn't placed on him, he understands that Klay (and I are taking our time).... It's upsetting still.
- Any way to rectify this, in on permanent hold.....
So, I'm staying quiet.
Because I know I crossed a line, and I know he needs to time to calm before talking to me...
I wish it was all different.
I wish I never was married to that awful man...
I wish somehow Emry was actually Klay's.
I wish that the road I travelled wasn't filled with so much turmoil and drama.
But, alas, none of these things will ever be.
Got to learn to roll with it better.
Need to learn how not to lose my head.
In the end, I'm just a girl.
I threw myself under the bus this time...