People Just as Crazy as Me

Thursday, April 28, 2011

You know what's been in my head today?



Im about to lose my mind
You’ve been gone for so long
I’m running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life


[Eminem]
I told the World one day I would pay it back
Say it on tape, and lay it, record it
So that one day I could play it back
But I don’t even know if I would leave it when I’m saying that
Ya’ll start to creep in, everyday its so grey and black
Hope I just need a ray of that
Cause no one see’s my vision when I play it for em
They just say its wack
They don’t know what dope is
And I don’t know if I was awake or asleep
When I wrote this,
All I know is you came to me when I was at my lowest
You picked me up, breeding life in me
I owe my life to you
Before the life of me, I dont see why you dont see like I do
But it just dawned on me you lost a son
See this light in you, it’s dark. let me turn on the lights and brigthen me and lighten you
I dont think you realise what you mean to me
Not the slightest clue
Cause me and you were like a crew
I was like your sidekick
You gon either wanna fight me when I get off this f-cking mic
Or you gon hug me
But I’m not an option, theres nothing else I can do cause…


[Chorus]
Im about to lose my mind
You’ve been gone for so long
I’m running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life


[Eminem]
It hurts when I see you struggle
You come to me with ideas
You say there pieces so I’m puzzled
Cause the shit I hear is crazy
But your either getting lazy or you don’t believe in you no more
Seems like your own opinions, not one you can form
Cant make a decision keep questioning yourself
Second guessing and its almost like your begging for my help
Like I’m your leader
Your susposed to be my f-cking mentor
I can endure no more,
I demand you remember who you are
It was YOU, who believed in me
When everyone was telling you dont sign me
Everyone at the f-cking label, lets tell the truth
You risked your career for me
I know it as well as you
Nobody wanted to f-ck with the white boy
Thats why I’m crying in this booth
You saved my life, now maybe its my time to save yours
But I can never repay you what you did for me is way more
But I aint giving up faith and you aint giving up on me
Get up Dre, I’m dying I need you, for f-cks sake


[Chorus]
Im about to lose my mind
You’ve been gone for so long
I’m running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life
Bring me back to life
Bring me back to life

(I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life)


[Dr Dre]
It literally feels like a lifetime ago
But I still remember the shit like it was yesterday though
You walked in, yellow jump suit
Whole room, cracked jokes
Once you got inside the booth, told you, like smoke
Went through friends, some of them I put on
But they just left, they said was riding to a death
But where the f-ck are they now
Now that I need them I dont see none of them
All I see is Slim
F-ck all you fair-weather friends
All I need is him
F-cking backstabbers
When the chips were down you just laughed at us
Now you bout to feel the wrath of aftermath, faggots
You gon see us in our lab jackets and ask us where the f-ck we been?
You can kiss my indecisive ass crack maggots and the crackers ass
Little crack a jack beat making wack math,
Backwards producers, Im back bastards
One more CD and then I’m packing up my bags and as I’m leaving again
I’ll guarantee they scream Dre don’t leave us like that man cause…


[Chorus]
Im about to lose my mind
You’ve been gone for so long
I’m running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life
Bring me back to life
Bring me back to life


Dr. Dre, Album “Detox”, March 2011

--------------------------------------------

Okay,

I like all types of music.
Opera to Rap. Broadway to Pop
Death Metal to Easy Listening.
Every piece of music has a place in my world.

Something about this song, is haunting.
The melody and the tone of the Girl Singer...
And, I don't care what you say Eminem can rap... 
He's so clear, so articulate when he does it, makes it oober enjoyable.

The song is an homage to Dr. Dre, and I really feel it.

I am also a big fan of....



I  got a dirty mind
I got filthy ways
I’m tryna Bathe my Ape in your Milky Way
I’m a legend, I’m irreverent
I be reverand
I be so fa-a-ar up, we don’t give a f-f-f-f-ck
Welcome to the danger zone
Step into the fantasy
You are not invited to the otherside of sanity
They calling me an alien
A big headed astronaut
Maybe it’s because your boy Yeezy get ass a lot


[Katy Perry]
You’re so hypnotizing
Could you be the devil
Could you be an angel

Your touch magnetizing
Feels like I am floating
Leaves my body glowing

They say be afraid
You’re not like the others
Futuristic lover
Different DNA
They don’t understand you

Your from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial

Your so supersonic
Wanna feel your powers
Stun me with your lasers
Your kiss is cosmic
Every move is magic

Your from a whole other world
A different dimension
You open my eyes
And I’m ready to go
Lead me into the light

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial


[Kanye West]
I know a bar out in Mars
Where they driving spaceships instead of cars
Cop a Prada spacesuit about the stars
Getting stupid ass straight out the jar
Pockets on Shrek, Rockets on deck
Tell me what’s next, alien sex
I’ma disrobe you, than I’mma probe you
See I abducted you, so I tell ya what to do
I tell ya what to do, what to do, what to do


[Katy Perry]
Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial

Extraterrestrial
Extraterrestrial

Boy, you’re an alien
Your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural
Extraterrestrial

----------------------------------------------

I don't know why... But this beat also just grabs you.


Been humming them both all day.

Cool Breezes and Storm Clouds

Last night, after putting joey to bed, after watching the OnDemand replay of "The Voice" (which I loved by the way), I wanted to sit outside.

However, it had been raining, so I couldn't really sit outside... I still wanted to feel the cool wind.
I opened my sliding glass door, and I sat on the rug and hung my feet outside. Basically getting the experience that I was truly wanting.

I just looked up at the twilight lit sky, covered with dark deep storrm clouds, and lost myself in thought.
I got up every so often to go answer a text, or to get a drink of water... but I came right back.
It was Nice, Calming, Quiet time.

Of course, my presence was graced by Klay, who came over after his "new apartment" shananigans and my father coming home from his day at work. But, I still had my moment.

When it was time for Klay to go, I lead him to the front door, and before he left, I grabbed lightly onto his hand (I really didn't want him to go.) and before he kissed me good night he told me he loved me. Just thinking about it makes me glow.

It's not the first time he's said it to me, quite the opposite, we're very verbal about how we feel about eachother.

But, something about the way he said it last night, just the moment itself, made me smile and gush... all the way up to bed.

Once again, I'm not sure why I constantly get the migranes when he's around... but, last night, there was none... Last night was perfect. Simple and perfect.

"simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight. It's hard to let it go."

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Justification

Writing is what I do for therapy.
I've tried sitting on a couch, I've tried you take this pill and you will feel better.
I have tried a combination of both.
It doesn't work for me.
I don't like it, doesn't make me feel good... so I don't do that kind of therapy.
If it works for you, great, I am all for bettering yourself, but traditional therapy... not for me.
So, as I said above I write.
It's the reason for this blog, and the blogs of blogging past.
Therapy. Self-exploration. Venting. Growing. Learning.

However, I have a lot of baggage.
A LOT.
So, I thought, that if I wrote it down in a story form, I would deal with it directly.
I began to write a book.
I'm not sure if it's any good.
But, it is has made me feel better... whole.....
It is the first time that I am truly letting most of this out.
Completely dredging up the bad memories, every comment, every instance, and letting them flow onto a page.

I have gotten to a point in the story, where it's almost over... I mean, I got out... I got away from my trauma.
But, now, something is telling me not to keep this story 100% factual... to deviate...
At the end of the story I want to kill the character based on me.
Doesn't that sound morbid?
I KNOW?!
I have good reasons though.
I feel that:

1) By killing off the "character", I can truly lay to rest the trauma, and completely separate from it. I am no longer that person...
2) By killing off the "character, I can show what could have happened, hell, what should have happened... and maybe help someone in the long run.

So, when it's done.
and I've editted the shit out of it... I'm going to copyright it, and then... I'm going to post exerpts.
I'll post the link to this, when I'm ready to do it.


Just needed to say it.
Don't know why...
Having an introverted moment I guess...

------------------
In othe news:
------------------

Last night, Klay and I went out for burgers.
Not just any burgers, DAMN GOOD burgers.
If you don't have a FIVE GUYS BURGERS, than you don't know what I'm talking about AT ALL.

But, somewhere during our meal... I got a migrane.
I've been getting them a lot. Almost daily.
And at the moment that I got this particular headache, I realized something:
I only get them while he's around.
Now, as I've stated, Klay, is the most wonderful man I have ever known.
I love him, in a way I never knew you could love someone else (other than my child).
But, with that said... migranes come when he's around.
So, I energetically pulled back...
Tried to think where this was coming from.

The thing about Klay is, he can tell when I am pulling away, even if I keep the smile on my face.
He eyes me, "You okay."
I lie and say yes.
I know he knows I'm lying... I'm just not ready to explain my thoughts

We drove home in quasi silence. Making small talk here and there... but ultimatley just watching the road in front of us.

I kissed him goodnight.
Went to bed.

He emails me this morning, and I could barely respond.
I just can't place why my headaches only occur when he is around.
I'm probably suppressing something, and I need to figure out what it is.

And, I am also tired of telling him that I'm in pain, or that my head hurts... or just general bitching.. I'm not a complainer. I hate coming off as weak. (another flaw of mine)

I'll work through it... Blog about it some more over the next few days.... and it'll come to a head sooner or later.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Oh Boy. 4 day weekend and now.. back to work?! NOOOO!

Yeah, I had a 4 day weekend.
I haven't had one of those since High School.
And, Friday and Monday were paid days off.
Huzzah!

For all of you asking, what is this Huzzah-nonsense... Ahem!
huz·zah also huz·za  audio  (h-zä) KEY
INTERJECTION:
Used to express joy, encouragement, or triumph.
NOUN:
  1. A shout of "huzzah."
  2. A cheer.
Anyway....
Now I'm at work, on the Tuesday, following my 4 day break.
I completely want to be back in bed.

But, let me tell you about my Easter.

Friday, everyone was off.
Klay, Emry, my father, and I...
We planted seeds (Carrots, Chives, wildflowers, and Sunflowers)... and watched movies, and really had a nice day.

Saturday,
We all spent the morning quietly. Watching TV together, checking on our newly planted seeds (Emry really doesn't get the concept that this is going to take some time, no matter how much I tell him).
Then, we made Easter Eggs... Yep, hard boiled, and dyed... Then we added stickers and glitter.
They looked pretty awesome, considering a 4 year old did them.
He was really excited and placed the dried specimens into his handmade basket! (His new school took a 1/2 gallon milk container, cut, stapled, and painted it to look like an Easter basket. Too Cute. Did I mention I love his new school?)
Then my father took Joe to the movies, while Klay and I tried to move things into his new apartment.
We wanted to get some painting done, because his new apartment is half blue half pink... It's a very confused apartment. *smiles*
The heat wasn't turned on, so it was too cold and damp to paint. So, we just moved in the basic essentials, nothing that will hinder us from painting.

Sunday,
SUNDAY sunday SUNDAY!!!!!
The Eggstravaganza known as Easter Sunday, started at 7:30a. Where Emry scoured the house for hidden Eggs.
I want to note out of 16 eggs (left by the Head Bunny himself!) only 5 had candy. The rest were filled with trinkets and money... and stickers. Emry didn't seem to mind. Thank the lord.
We then went to lunch with Klay's family. His grandmother's birthday is the 27th, so we celebrated that too. Ate until I was stuffed, Emry as well.. And then played with the cutest English Bulldog Ever.
We went home, where I started to make dinner for my father, Emry, and Klay.
Why did my father not attend the lunch? That's a good question.

My father believes, that the meeting of the families, means something. He told me, he didn't want to put too much pressure on my relationship, by involving himself.
Which is code for: Your divorce was recently finalized, and even though you've been alone, and now have found a man I could actually see you marrying, who deserves you, I don't want you to rush it. Take your time, or I'll beat you up.

However, my dinner, came up... fan-friggin-tastic.
Yeah, it was that good.
Oven Roasted Leg of Lamb (in a red wine, grapefruit, garlic butter reduction), Garlic Thyme Mashed Potatoes and Steamed Spinach.

I'm proud of myself for that!.

Monday:
Emry went to school, and I had the day off... kind of.
I did grocery shopping, did the sheets, and some wash... emptied the dishwasher... went with Klay to pack more stuff into his apartment (No, the heat isn't turned on yet, they are waiting for the propane to be delivered, perhaps today, and my feelings on this are YOU RENTED AN APARTMENT, THIS SHIT SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF WHEN YOU SAID YOU WOULD RENT IT TO HIM! JESUS!) and then, enjoyed my boyfriend. Spent adult time, just being us. So Nice. I highly recommend spending one night/day/afternoon with your loved one a week (at least)... just the two of you. Helps join you. I swear. Then, we picked up Emry, and had a Taco Dinner Night. Yeah, I had to pull out the vacuum to get the shredded cheese off the floor, but all in all... so much fun.

I am very happy, with my family dynamic, as of recently.
I am quite sure, that this, right here, is what I am supposed to feel.
Happiness has really been achieved.

Now, let's actually get some work done, while I'm at work.

Until later...

Friday, April 22, 2011

Anxiety

You ever just, can't breathe?
You seem to be inhaling and exhaling... but the oxygen isn't seeming to calm you.
I am having one of those days.

Today hasn't been bad at all.
We all had the day off, so family time is fun.
Planted some seeds, went out to breakfast, put most of my laundry away.
Generally, a good day.

But, I, kept getting more and more... anxious.
By the middle of this day, I am now, trying very hard not to explode, for no reason.

I was almost relieved when Klay had to go get some of his own errands done.
Gave me some space to figure out my head.
Not that he did anything, I just don't think that we've gotten to the point, where he can see me this way.
You know, being 100% female.

As I type, it gets easier, and I can actually enjoy breathing.
I wish I knew where these moments come from, and believe me, I've asked experts... not an answer.
They have been called panic attacks... But, that come out of calm situations? Just doesn't make sense to me.

I'll have a glass of wine.
That always seems to help.

Self indulgent post.. sorry world.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Really? That's intense

I check my stats for this blog, before I begin a post, and yesterday, I had a BOOM of readers.
That's intense.

*nods*

With that said,
The joys of motherhood are going to be posted right now.

Now, everyone told me, that being a mother was hard.
I was told that there would be some sleepless nights.
Hell, I think I was prepared for the worst for everything that concerned my infant/toddler.
NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THE AGE OF 4.

At the age of 4, you have a throught process, you know a good amount of verbage, and at the age of 4, is where the attitude begins.

Not always a bad attitude, just attitude in general. Individuality starts, and when you start to define yourself as a person (even a little person), that's when the defiance starts.

*rolls eyes*

The... I don't wanna...... You can't make me.... You're wrong.....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

My son, I'm not sure if I want to reference his name, but let's call him Emry, decided that yesterday was one of those days to test the proverbial waters.

It is 6:30p and it is time to start our nightly bed routine. Bath time then bed time.

SIDE NOTE: You may think that's early, but he's in bed by 7p, and usually asleep by 730p. As long as he is in his bed (or his room for that matter) I'm okay.

Ok back to my point, I say to Emry, "Time to clean up, time for bed."

"Mama, I want a pretzel."

Now normally I would give him a pretzel, it's not a big deal, there are worse snacks.
But, it's bedtime, and about an hour earlier he had chosen a juice pop (we make them!) over the pretzel.

So I say, "No, not tonight but..."
I was going to say the following But you can have one tomorrow on the way to school however, I was interrupted by this sound.. It almost sounds like the noise a cat makes when shaken, or spun. (if you don't know the noise, please just imagine)... or even better... like a nasal car engine unable to turn over.

I spin and I look at him, and he is full tantrum, in under 15 seconds.
No way, no how, that doesn't play in my home.
I don't like to give him time outs, not by himself at least, I don't see how that works... So, I do my own version of a modified time out. I sit with him on the steps. I tell him what our goal is, what I expect, be it an apology or something he should be thinking about.

This works. 99% of the time.
Last night, no way. The exact opposite.
He grew angry, more defiant. Hell, he licked me, because he knows biting isn't an option, and that I'll bite him back. (another trick, you're kid will never do anything to you, if you let them know they'll get it back. No one really likes to get what they dish.)
So, he licks me. (super yuck).
Then he tries to throw himself from the stairs, head dive towards the floor... didn't happen though, I had him by the pants before he left the stairs.
Then after 20 minutes, I got my apologies (For licking, talking back, and being rude).
Then we started bedtime.

I thought I was out of the woods. I thought at least bath time would be okay.
WRONG AGAIN.
Was it full moon last night? He was completely out of character.

He got over excited by his new animal song CD, and began banging on the CD player.

SIDE NOTE: CD player was not my idea, I think he's too young for one, my ex-mother in law bought it, didn't consult me, and it was brought in the house, so, it would be wrong of me to just snatch it away, it would make me look like the bad guy. I'm only the bad guy, when I truly need to be. I'll learn to live with the Lightning McQueen CD Player.

I told him not to, he stopped, and then quickly banged on a button, and then walked away, glancing at me from his peripherals. I lost it. My calm, was gone, the entire stair time washed away... I was angry.

I put him to bed without a bath, telling him that I was so disappointed and wouldn't have my buttons pushed (no pun intended) by a four year old. That I was done with him for the night. Which made him upset, and then I heard him upstairs telling me No and I hate you, mama for about an hour.

I worked on my collage pictures.
It's my form of therapy.

However, no one prepared me for that kind of challenging.
Not from a wee youngin'.

I wasn't upset though, as soon as I was back downstairs, I was calm again.
I was just sad by it.

This morning, while getting ready for work.
and getting Emry ready for school, he came into the bathroom, and looked up at me.

And without being prompted in the least, "Mama, I'm sorry."

I held him. He held me.
And I snuggled him.

In the end I realize, he's just figuring this life thing out TOO!.
Finding out what his role is, and so forth.
Can't hold it against him, we'll get through.

For a 4 year old, who recently has been through a change of family (yeah, that's what we'll call my divorce), I think he's doing really well.


**DEEP BREATH**

That felt good to write down, and get out.

Any mom's out there no what I'm going through?
Any opinion would be nice...

Once you start to follow the blog, you can comment on my posts, and that be super.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I see the light - Lyrics - Yeah, you know me, this shouldn't be a surprise.

"All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog is lifted

And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you, now that I see you"



The above is from Disney's Tangled.
Yeah, start laughing now, I laugh about this too.
My son, loves this movie, not like I gotta see it every day, mama!
But, he never says "no" when I ask to put it on.
Secretly, he loves it just as much as I do.
Especially with the goofy grin he sports while watching it.
(Or perhaps he's laughing at me on the inside, I wouldn't doubt that either!)

Somehow, the overlords at Disney heard mothers around the world praying, "Please make a traditional Disney flick, like from when I was a kid."
Because, that's what this was, traditionally a Disney movie, singing and hysterical animals.
I miss these movies, somehow, they got away from them... demographic wasn't calling for it?
They should do more of these. Seriously.

The song above, was drawn on a lake, with a million floating lit laterns around the two characters.
Floating lanterns are a traditional ceremony and are known as a Vinyan.
You light the lantern and send it up to the heavens, making a wish that a lost loved one or a dead loved one's soul  finds peace. Or in case of a missing loved one, finds there way home.

It was beautiful.
The song is beautiful.
And I am a sentimental old fool.

Sharing a little bit of my soul right now.
Little awkward.
But I don't care.



Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Yet another brilliant post

I read Single Dad Laughing, every day, whenever I can... the man, is a beautiful writer.

I read this today. Please click the link.

Single Dad Laughing Post 4/19/2011

I remember feeling this way as a teenager.
I remember my mother making me feel lower than shit.
I remember my sister and I being berated, and hit... and psycologically tortured.

My mother, we call her, the devil.
She is no longer a part of my life.
I won't allow that kind of evil to go near my son.
I tried for a while, but I know she'll never change.
I know she'll never see the error of her ways, and I refuse for my son to even get to tiniest taste of that.

Somehow I hope the blog author referenced above knows, how much his posts touch me.
How they seem to string a chord... in things that have impacted me.

Narcolepsy

Last night, I got into a verbal spat with my ex-husband.
Our son expressed to me something yesterday, on our ride to (and from) school, that made me sad.
He doesn't want to spend time with his father.
My son is 4 years old, and doesn't want to spend time with his father.

Now, yes, it could be because hey only spend 2 weekends a month together.
But, that isn't my fault, I urged my ex to spend as much time as he wants with our son.
He used to come in the mornings before school, that was however, short lived.
It lasted a month... at the most!

So, as their time together is brief, you would think my ex would try to spend as much of that time together.
NO.
That is not the case at all.
My son tells me, that his father brought him to his grandmothers house, then bailed.
"He told me we were going to see the Bunny movie mama, but it got late, and grandma put me to bed."
My jaw dropped.
Literally, to the ground.
"We were supposed to get me cool sneakers, but then daddy brought me home."
I was set to pass out.
"Mama, daddy doesn't love me, I don't want to go to daddies anymore."
I got blurry.

And, as much as I want to say "Okay you don't have to go anymore." Because I know no good can come from this... I have to be a good mother.
I assured my son that his father did in fact love him, and that everyone has bad days and good days. That maybe next time they would have a better time.

So.
When my ex stopped by to drop off some of my sons belongings, I told him what our kid had said.
He flipped out.
Said it was my doing.
That I was pushing this on our 4 year old.
Which isn't the case, our son, is a bright, insightful child, who knows when he's being snubbed.

The major downfall of our marriage, was just plain old neglect... mixed with a lot of cheating on his part.
I heard myself say this to him, "You neglected me, than us (meaning my son and I) and now he is old enough to notice you snubbing him."

I was told, "Don't take him away from me too."
I stared blankly at my ex-husband... I mean seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Getting off topic but, he pushed me away, he chose a life for himself and followed through with it.
He was never home for us, and when he was, he found ways to be with other people, not with his family.
And, don't even get me started on the girls' ... the chicks who were "Just friends" or how about the one who called OUR HOUSE and told me he was leaving me, for her.
**SARCASM ALERT**
Yeah, I really left him hanging, what a good husband, whatever was I thinking?
*rolls eyes*

All of the above went through my head when I was told not to take his son away.
My calm response was that it wasn't my doing, that his son doesn't want to be with him... and he had to figure out a way to change that.

He rolled his eyes, told me he had to go to work, and slammed my door... then kicked my car...

Well, this morning, my son (I refer to him that way, because 95% of his life, has been with me.. not with the loser ex) was perfectly happy, had gotten all the neglectful angst out of him the night before, slept it off, and was fine.

I'm glad he's feeling better, I hate seeing him sad, about things I can't fix or prevent.
Sooner or later his father will go away again, another year... another nine months, and by time he gets back... we'll see how my son feels about it.

Now, I called this Narcolepsy.. and.... I now remember why.
(I got off track a little)

After the entire day of dread of what my son had said, after my father got home from work, I took a drive.
That's not accurate either, I took a drive to my love's house. My boyfriend, we'll call him Klay, is the most soothing, caring person I know.
I lay this whole mess on him.

And I can see it well up in his eyes, he loves my son, and my son loves him... He held me, didn't say a word, just held me. I love that quality in him. There's nothing to fix, nothing that can be changed (right now), so just calming me down is the best.

We went upstairs, and I fell asleep, not for long, an hour at most.
As if I had narcolepsy.
I just tend to fall asleep now, the weight of these events, knocks all the energy out of me.
My body, soul, protects itself, and I sleep it away.

I wake up, roll over, and there's Klay, smiling at me, doing his computer work, but still, watching me sleep.
I feel very safe with him.

He's trying to get a place closer to us (my son and I)... we're definitley not ready to live together yet, and I am good with that. I want to truly get to know him, and I think he wants the same of me.

Now, I sit at work, and wind down.
Everything is processed.
Everything is easier to handle.

I'm working towards something great.
My form of normal.. my form of perfection...
Almost there.
Almost there.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sashay

Do you ever have the feeling, that your past, be it people or circumstances, are going to resurface.

You just get that itch... and start looking over your shoulder.
When's it coming? When is this going to go down?

I have eliminated the evil of my past. Not like exorcism evil, but just bad people. People I should have never been around, and the cirumstances that ran with them. But recently, I've had this itch, like I know somethings coming.

Now the question becomes, Do I let it surprise me? Or do I prepare, and deflect as soon as it rears it's ugly head?
*shrugs*
I don't know, it seems more paranoia, to prepare for the unseen.
I have too much going on to really plan for an unseen attack.

So, I guess I'll sit here, and live me life, and pray, that things have been too quiet, and that's a little weird for me. Eventually, it all has to smooth out, to the point where I don't expect bad things to come my way.

I'll keep a weathered eye on the horizon, for said evil, as it sashay's back into my life. This way, I can quickly redirect it back to its side of town/plane of existence.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Sadness

The other day, a mother of 4 children, put them into her minivan, and drove into a local River.
Reports say, as the car began to sink, she climbed into the backseat and said to her children, "If I am going to die, you are going to die with me."
Something about that message struck with her, because she came back to sanity, realized she made a mistake, and allowed her 10 year old son, to flee and get help.
It was too late, by time someone found him, and they got back to the car. The mother, and 3 other children, had drowned.

It's been on the news every day since it happened, the story going deeper and deeper, as the 10-year old boy begins to talk about it.

And, all I feel...
Is sadness.
Complete and utter sadness.

Police say there was domestic disputes/violence within the home...
That the woman had been feeling like she was being followed, and that she had been seeing lights flickering on and off in her house. Which sounds like drug use, or mental illness to me.

She took her kids with her.
Lives that could have developed, and molded, even with the tragic end of her mother (if she had chose to do this alone).
But now, her 10-year old son, will have to live life, knowing his mother took his family from him.

There's nothing to be done about this. He is in the proper place. I hope Children and Family services do everything they can for this boy. Who will face a lifetime of strife due to this.

I think of my son, everytime I hear this story.

He is the reason I chose to better myself.
He is the reason I straightened up.
He is my life.
I could never imagine taking my life, let alone taking his life...

I wake up everyday trying to do the right thing, for him.
He deserves everything in this world.
And I am the one who will give it to him.

I have so many feelings that come from this tragic story.

Makes you think about family, about love, and about life.
I'm happy and blessed to have all three in my life.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The mange..

Every year we take my son for Easter Bunny pictures.
He gets dressed up, and smiles pretty... it's a yearly thing.

I am addicted to pictures.
My mother never really took any, and if she did, she never displayed them.
I take a ton of pictures of my family, of our adventures, and I make sure that they are seen.
I think it's important to catalog your memories.
Helps you to remember the goodtimes, and gives you things to strive for.

So, this year, we go to our local mall, to price out said bunny picture.
The new Easter Bunny...  has the fracking MANGE.
Looks like this suit has been in storage with black mold.
I swear to God.

What would you do?
Take the picture with the Mange Rabbit?
Or just skip it?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

End of Day... Come on 4p

You ever have one od those days that completely flies by?
That was my day... well up until now. 3:21p and I get out at 4p.
Somehow God thinks it be funny, just to slow down time.
Seconds as long as Minutes, Minutes as long as Hours.
JEEEESUS!

Today was a flurry of paper work, emails, and running around.
I think I had lunch, I think I remember sitting down, doing absolutely nothing....
*looks up and thinks*
That was today, right?

3:22p
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He wants to take me out to dinner, on one of our weekends away.

*BACK STORY*
Since we've started dating, my Heart, has taken me away once every month or so just so we can have "us" time. With me having my son a good portion of the month, and sharing the house with my father... it is very rare that we can spend time just as "us".

So, we go away...
*CONCLUSION OF BACK STORY*

Okay, so going out to dinner, is a normal thing on our weekends away. But, this time, he wants to take me somewhere where it is required for him to wear a jacket. Which is not like him at all, he's rugged, mountain man, hiking, hippy sort of guy... I love him. .. ... But, he knows, how much I love to wear dresses. He also knows, that I am not used to being taken out... anywhere.
So, I am told that I am going to wear a dress to dinner.

I tell him:

DISCLAIMER:
You do not have to do this.
I enjoy our weekends away, regardless of the agenda.

He replies:

Baby if I thought I HAD to do this to keep you happy, we wouldn't be together. Love you 

And, I glow.
He gets me.
He really does.

I didn't think I could get, all the things I wanted from a man.
I thought they were impossible.
Not with him.
*smiles*

Happiness like this is priceless.

3:28p
God hates me.
I had a whole flash back moment in my head, and I only wasted 6 minutes.

Rambling, to waste time.

R
A
M
B
L
E

Picket Fence

Yesterday, all I needed was a picket fence, and my day would have been... Ideal.

Other than my present back pain, that was taken care of with a trip to the doctor... everything was perfect.
My kid, 100% integrated into the new school program, and I couldn't be happier.
Even though half way through the day, I get a call asking about the snack packed... "isn't he allergic to soy?"
These are snacks that his father helped him purchase, and I guess it was a little silly of me to think, that he would have checked the ingredients for things his son is allergic too. *slaps forehead*
"Thank you for calling, please disregard that snack, I will go through the other snacks recently purchased, and this problem won't happen again."
UGH!
Half-way through my day, my Heart came by, bringing me lunch, and just being there for me.
I love the fact that he has a secure enough job, that he could just do that.
**BEAMS**
truly perfect... but, then again, nothing is "truly perfect"... I guess it would be more accurate if I said, that I couldn't ask for better.

My heart wanted to go with me to pick up Joe, see where his new school is, and just because I know he loves him.
As we walk in, the attendant, "Are you Joey's parents?"
My heart nods, and extends a hand for the woman to shake.
I glow, noticeably, because he looked down at me and smiled.
Then we had dinner, and bed time routine...
I couldn't have asked for a better first day for Joe.
I love our little family unit.

So, I recommend, you go out... find your Picket Fence moment, and treasure it.
They don't come often, but when they do.... there's no other feeling like it.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Growing...

My son goes to a new program today.
A structured one, that will prepare him for next year...
I'm a little apprehensive, but that's only because I'm nervous.
Nervous about what?
Well, making a wrong decision, or leading my son down the wrong path.
I didn't think being a parent would be easy, but, I never thought it would be so... BLAH!

With that said, I woke up super early, and made sure that everything would be set for him.
I want this to be exciting for him, and maybe if I make it exciting for him, than I will trick myself into being excited too!

*sighs*

I imagine I'll have more to say later, once my stomach lowers itself from my throat.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Anywhere

Everything has finally settled down, to an odd calmness.
Life has just became utterly peaceful.

I know what to expect from my days, and I enjoy that.
There are no hidden surprises, no arguments waiting for me.
I have finally got into a good pattern.

And as I look across the couch, I see my happiness.
I generally find happiness, in myself, in my son...
But, this, this is different, with Him. I don't have to try with him.
I don't have to worry about doing something stupid, and him just flipping out.
He gets that everything is a process, that you have to love every part of a person... the good and the bad.

I have never quite met someone like Him, he's just 100% unique.
Truly what a man is supposed to be, and then some.
And that is not to say that he isn't a normal male, with all the bodily sounds, and scratching.. and you know, MAN STUFF. He's that too... but, with all of the good attributes, the normal male ones, don't bother me.

He has been such an amazing influence on my kid too...
We're our own type of family. Truly.
I didn't even ask for it, my love just did it on his own.

And here we are... almost 5 months later... and we have "high hopes" for this.
It's good to know, and not feel pressured by it... that we will take our time, and just truly immerse ourselves in one another.

We have discussed taking vacations... we have gone places together...
This is how life should be.
This is what I have always searched for.

I do wonder about why he is with me.
I do wonder what is so special about me that keeps his interest.
My self esteem has always been low... so, I am learning to overcome this need to find a problem within "perfection".


I look towards the future.

We'll see where this goes.

But, until tomorrow... I remain ...
Just a girl.. trying to make it through this life
 

Friday, April 8, 2011

Day One, Day One, Start Over Again

Yeah, I'm back.
No longer in hiding, No longer need to.

I am hoping in a few weeks, to be back up to speed with my existence on Blogger.

Check back for my daily out look on life, and how I am getting through it.

Nice to be back.