People Just as Crazy as Me

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

You want to do WHAT with your comp time?

I find out today that Klay has a summer schedule in which Fridays can be not worked, if you either work 10 hour days Mon-Thurs, or use your Comp Time.

So, what does he want to do? He wants to pick up Emry on some of these Fridays.. and do something fun.

***MOUTH HITS THE FLOOR***

Do men like this exsist?
They couldn't possibly!

But low and behold... **SHINES SPOTLIGHT ON KLAYVN**
There's one. Right There.

I'm amazed.

Needed to gush.
Had no where else to do it.

**BEAMS**

The work day is 1 hour and 35 minutes from being over.
Even my boss doesn't want to work.
But, we all keep plugging a long.

------------------
We are searching for Clothes Washer repair men as we speak...
Need to find one who will do a late afternoon/early evening appointment or a Saturday!
And we need to find him NOW!!!!!!

I hate dirty laundry.
-----------------------

And finally, the highlight of my day.

A CHICKEN TIKKA MASALA SLOW COOKER RECIPE.
That has received 5 stars from the 35 people who have tried it.

I know what's for dinner tomorrow night!!!
---------------------------

What's for dinner tonight people?
Anyone making anything interesting?

What is everyone doing on their Tuesday night?
I think I'm going to take a run after my father gets back from work...
Supposed to be in the 70's with little humidity...


Sorry for another self-indulgent post...
I promise I will have some real topics eventually.

**GASP** Heart Stops

I hope everyone enjoyed their Memorial Day Weekend.

Before I brief you on my life.. I want to tell you about the heart stopping moment I had about 25minutes ago.

I opened my email.. to find a familiar, and dangerous email address in my inbox.
One from a person, who for the most part, had dropped out of existence... which was a happy moment for me, but here it was... So I talked to the email... You know?? Why are you in my inbox. What could you possibly want? I should just delete you... no block you, then delete you.. You are such a jerk, why are you going to harass me now? What could possibly be your motivation?

So, curiosity got the best of me, and I clicked it... SPAM.
Someone must of hacked into his email address, and has been sending "Make $300 by going to this website" messages.  I let out the biggest sigh of relief ever.

But, for a brief moment. My heart just stopped.

Moving along shall we....

This weekend was better than I had anticipated.

Saturday, we all (Klay included) went up to my sisters for the Snoop Concert.
I am generally not a Snoop Dogg fan, but I love to hang with my sister, and since we just made up, I deemed it necessary to go.
In the afternoon we all went to the park by her house, had a yummy pizza dinner, and then her husband stayed with Joe so we can be pushed and prodded in a crowd of 500 people.
Not my favorite part. But, it was all in good fun.

Sunday, we drove home.
Spent the day together as a family...
Then Klay and I had a very romantic evening... which I am spoiled with on the regular now... It's so nice to be with someone who loves and appreciates me just as much as I do him...
Our relationship feels more serious at times and then at others... it's just us... having fun.
Makes it interesting, makes me want to see where it goes.
I never knew this type of love existed.

Monday... Klay spent the day doing his own thing, which gave me time to spend one-on-one with my favorite little man. Emry and I went go-carting, to the park, had a picnic.. Then he spent the rest of the afternoon playing in the water with his friends. So warm outside, the cold water felt good. Oh, didn't I mention? The kids thought it be fun to get Emry's Mommy.... I got drenched.

(SIDE NOTE: I didn't mind one bit.. it was 90 degrees yesterday)

Monday night, another blissful evening with my heart... As I said... at some points, it really seems like we are getting somewhere important.. Not sure I'm ready for it... But, there's something in me, that says that I've really found someone special.

Someone worth my time, and my love... someone I don't need to have all these walls up around.

The key indication of this, is how much he loves me.. and Emry.
He can totally dig me, but it's not necessary for him to be as loving to Emry.
Klay is and takes pride in my son... Of his accomplishments at school... His growth.... The funny things that come out of his mouth...
He takes more pride then my ex does.....

We will see.. and you know I'll keep you all posted.
Can't wait to read everyone else's blog.

But, I want to pose a question?

When do you all think it's right... to completely give yourself to someone? To let it be known that you're in it for the long haul? When is it safe? I don't want to let myself go so fast... and I did the last time... and I want to make sure I make the smartest decisions for my son.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Happy Memorial Day!

Hey everyone!! Thanks for commenting and such.

Happy Memorial Day!

I don't have much of a post today... It's too darn hot.

And, if that wasn't the worst of it... My washing machine is busted.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


God is being very spiteful today, and is laughing at me. "  Mwaha-hahahaha. Kateri! No Washing Machine... Whatcha going to do now!!!! Aren't you glad you had that PMS moment?!?!?!?!!"
It'll get to the Rinse cycle and instantly PAUSE... I'll restart it.. It gets to the Spin Cycle and PAUSES.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! And it's Memorial Day... who the hell is going to come out and fix it?

Oh well. We'll see... We have enough close to get us through 2 weeks... I don't want to run it unless I have to. Afraid I'll bust it more.

On a positive front. My PMS moment... had NO effect on Klay.. I was just being paranoid and overly hormonal. (Isn't it great to be a girl?)
Either that or he's good at overlooking my faults.... I call that a "keeper"

Anyone doing anything fun today?
I want to get Emry outside soon... maybe go to the park.... or just go play with the go-carts at the local mini-golf place.

**HUGS**

Read tomorrow for a longer and better post!

I swear, you will be impressed!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Can't take it back

It is official. When a woman is menstrual.. it must be law, that she must be disconnected from the primary communication to her significant other... Bad shit is always said. 

Normally, I am not a vicious woman when I'm menstrual. But this month, I have been 100% dragon lady. 
I have been having the following moments:

                              * Clingy
                              * Angry
                              * Short tempered
                              * 10x the normal amount of Bitchy


I have done my best not to expose this to Klay. It is not his fault that hormones have attacked each cell of my body turning me into this Super villain version of myself.
But, last night... I lost it... Completely lost my cool....

He had spent time up with his family for a Med School Graduation. Cool right?
I really love a night off just to walk around my house with my clay facial mask on, being 100% girly.
However, the next day... after I was told "I have no idea what time we are getting home", I find out that he is ... in fact... all ready home. Now I do not need constant attention, but there were things we needed to discuss in order to figure out our weekend. Arrangements that needed to be made regarding Emry. 
Klay knew that. 

After I am subtly told that he is home, at a normal hour... I hear... "I need to take a nap." or something along those lines. No mention of figuring out the weekend or not. 

This is when the estrogen and PMS took over my body. Leaving no sane cells in my entire being.

I got angry. 

This is a feeling that I have not felt in a while. At least not to this intensity. 

So, before I knew what I was doing, my fingers were flying away on the keyboard of my cellphone.
I wrote the following, "Why don't you turn your nap into a coma. And, I'll just see you sometime this weekend. Don't want you to get sick again."

And, I hit send.

AND THEN KNEW THAT I CROSSED THE BITCHY GIRLFRIEND LINE OF NO RETURN.

But, I was still too PMS-y to write an apology, or an "Oops, did that come out as bad, as I think it did."

So, I let it sit... which in retrospect was not the best idea. . . . . . but, pride took over. PMS and PRIDE... Should be a title of a novel about a woman who alienates the man she loves... just because her week long friend had to stay with her.

**SIGHS**

How do I proceed?
Do, I just get packed up for what we planned to do this weekend and go get Klay at the appropriate time?
Do, I go without him, and show extreme hubris?
Do, I not go at all, and wait for him to show?
Do, I not go at all, and go to him?


Can you tell I'm still a tad bit menstrual??

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


(SIDE NOTE: Thanks for the commentary yesterday. I'm glad to know that I am not alone.)

Well, I started my laundry... and I'll clean the upstairs today... then we'll see how I feel, and how I proceed. I'll keep you all posted.

Does anyone have any interesting plans today?


Does anyone else lose there sanity once a month????



Friday, May 27, 2011

Blargh... Arghhh

I am a young mother... not the youngest... but you know 26 year old woman with a 4 year old... I get some looks... People are so judgemental... And the fact that I look like I'm 14 with out any makeup on.. or in jeans and a t-shirt... makes matters worse.

Being a 26 year old  mother, is hard sometimes.. SOCIALLY SPEAKING.
Yes, I have been married, and divorced, and I date now.. I have a social life... But friends...
I miss my "friends"....  I guess they are more of acquaintances now...

Yesterday, during work, I got a text from my friend Angelica, inviting Emry and I over to play with waterbaloons and have icepops. I haven't seen her in forever, and since she said I could bring my lil' one, I said sure. Well, we had a great time, for an hour... and then... cars upon cars start pulling in... It was a party. No big deal, right?

YES. It was a big deal.. because with the cars upon cars.. came the beer... and the liquor, and a ratio of 14 adults to 1 child....none of them being appropriate, or careful around my kid.
I had to leave. I couldn't stay, I couldn't let my son be around that. It be different if there were more children... and everyone acknowledged that there was a child present.

I can't blame them though... they're 20'somethings... with no kids..... and are barely out of college, doing side jobs just to make enough money to hang out. I'm not that, I haven't been that in a while... So, I can't judge.

However, I am a little upset at Angelica.
She should have known better to invite me to something, without telling me about the entire idea of it. She knows how much I strive to be a good parent.... She KNOWS... **shakes head**
I don't know what to say... But, I would never invite a "friend" and her kid to my home... if the concept was to have an adult party.... I would invite them, let them know that we could hang... and when people started to show, may be it would be better if they took their kid home, put them to bed, and if they could... come back later.

**ROLLS EYES**

I was really sad.
I just sometimes wish I could be that carefree...

I love my son.
I love my life....
But, sometimes, I think... did this all happen too soon?
Instances like last night... well, that's how they make me feel....

But, now... I'm just upset, and wanting to just inch (even farther away) from my "friends" who don't understand my lifestyle... I just can't deal with the plethura of emotions that comes with hanging with them anymore.

And I shouldn't be made to feel bad about working a steady 8-4 job... SO I CAN AFFORD MY MORTGAGE AND UTILITIES AND FOOD AND CLOTHES FOR MY KID LET ALONE ME.
If I hear, "You can't come out to drink, on a Wednesday night? You have work again?" I am buying a semi-automatic and calling it a night.

JUST SAYING.

Happy Friday people!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

ARE YOU REALLY?

Hello Friends!

Today, while driving to work.. I encountered the most MORONIC thing I have ever seen.
Traveling down the highway, and I get stuck in 20mph bumper - to - bumper traffic... I can see the two cars causing this mess... AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING?

Car A's passenger was talking out her window to Car B's driver.

I AM NOT MAKING THIS CRAP UP.

I was having an aneurysm while driving.
How can people be so INSENSITIVE!

And plus, it's not like we all don't have cell phones (in some capacity).
If you really had to talk to that person you could have:
A) Called them on their cell

or if you didn't know them and were seeking directions

B) pulled the FUCK over!!!!!!!

(sorry for the language)

These people made me late for work.
And about 10 other people who work in my office.. who travel the 45 minutes like me.

I swear, where was the State Trooper's when you actually need them?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Baby Birds, Humid Evenings, Furry Vengance x 100000, Taco Tuesdays, and a Clingy Moment.

When we were leaving yesterday morning, there was a baby bird on our walkway. I told Emry if it were still there when we got home, we would build a nest in a shoe box, and (with gloves on) place the bird in there.
When we got home last night... not one baby bird... but 5 or 6 of them. Obviously today was the day they were supposed to learn to fly. So, from one side of our Driveway/Parking Area to the other these little birds flew. Trying to understand their new wings. Except, for the little one we had seen in the early morning hours. He was far smaller than the rest, and you could tell, was not ready. So the mommy bird flew down to where he sat on my driveway, and tried to demonstrate. No luck. Finally, the baby bird (I thought he looked like a Nigel... but, I'm weird) hopped over to the fence where his mother perched, and he climbed up as if to say, "I can keep up. Please don't leave me behind." It was kind of sad. But it started to pour so Emry and I had to go inside.
SIDE NOTE: Hope Nigel is okay.. didn't see him this morning.

Once in side we started our Taco Tuesday evening... which is my favorite dinner of the week, Emry's too. We get to be a little messy, and have a good time.

Fast forward to FURRY VENGANCE. He watches it at least once a day.... I am going to poke my eyes out. It's not a horrible movie, it has a good message underneath the slapstick comedy.... But, after the second time. I WAS DONE. I think he knew that, and that's why he wants to repeatedly watch it.

That's right... I think it's spite. **rolls eyes** Never to young to start I suppose! haha.

After Emry was in bed, Klay graced me with his presence, and towards bedtime, I needed him to stay... I don't know why, but I really needed it. And, I hope we can all tell, I'm not like that. I am fine with my own space... I am fine to have distance in this newly formed union.. I want to get to know him better.... and better... I want to really know him before anything gets oober serious.
SIDE NOTE: Yeah I said oober.

So, Klay obliged... he rarely says no to a request... I rarely make them... And I rarely say no to him, because he rarely asks for anything either. But, last night, was the most humid night. And around 1230a, he woke me up, telling me he had to go home... (I don't have A/C in my bedroom, and haven't took the window fans out of storage yet)........I knew he wouldn't be able to sleep... so I let him go.........It be wrong if I made him stay if he were that uncomfortable.

But, then, I couldn't sleep....
At all....
So, I sat awake, wondering why I was having such a clingy moment. Why on this night? And, I can't place it... I just sat awake... watching it get lighter and lighter outside....

And now...
I am exhausted.

I don't want to do anything, and yet, here I sit at work... Praying for a project, just so I can have some busy work. So, I don't fall asleep where I sit.


I especially don't want to let him know that I couldn't sleep after he left... that would make me seem way too girly and clingy.... So, will I lie? NO. I don't lie... but, I will probably just avoid the question... Not as bad, right?

Happy Wednesday World.

Comments

It has come to my attention, that I wasn't receiving blog comments... due to a glitch in my comment security.
So, I think I have fixed it.

Please send me some love so I can verify.

I will still have moderation of the comments, but for right now... Everyone should be able to comment.

Please stay tuned in for my actual daily post....which will contain the following topics

Baby Birds
Humid Evenings
Taco Night
Seeing Furry Vengengance for the 10000000 time
and
a clingy moment.

Intrigued?
Not really?
Read anyway!!!!!

KVS

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

It is not mandatory....

VENTING EPISODE ABOUT TO OCCUR.

It is not mandatory to email back and forth with the same people everyday...
Yes it has become a habit....
Yes you like to see a message from your favorite people...
But, somehow, it is a little overwhelming to do... everyday.

Some people get it... Some people don't.

Personally,
If I don't get a message from someone, a reply.. after I write them.......I do not, repeat, DO NOT write them again. I figure that they are busy, or haven't gotten a chance to check their messages.
I have other things that I can do... so I move on, knowing that I will speak with them eventually.

However,
If I don't respond to someone, or don't have a chance to send a message.... I get a
"what's wrong"
"why haven't you written me?"
"is everything okay?"
"did I do something?"
I love that my friends get concerned for me....

But seriously, DO I SEEM UNSTABLE?????? (You don't have to answer that, given the mood I'm in. haha just kidding)
Do I seem like the type of person that would completely not speak to you without telling you a proper reason first????


Jeeez.

I am so lucky to have such attentive friends...
I love them like I love my family....

Just sometimes... I can't be bothered... which such trivial nonsense.

and I feel like writing back just to say:

"I haven't written because I am at work, actually working... I know it is rare, and I know I commonly have time to converse... but today I do not, and the only reason I am pissy right this moment is because, and only because you have dumped your insecurities on me."

But I don't
And I won't.


I'll just vent here.

Thank you for reading.

~KVS

P.S: Anybody else out there know what I am talking about?

Mouth

Emry woke up this morning, with mouth pain... He kept poking the area where his molars should be. But, he's only 4.. I thought the first molars came in around 6 years old?
It was giving him a headache too.
I felt so bad.
I gave him some Advil, and now am praying that he'll feel better.

=(
It sucks when he doesn't feel well. I just want to hold him.
But, he's 4 years old, I can't coddle him forever.... or can I?
HAHAHA. Just kidding.

----------Send good energy to Emry ---------------

In other news,
I came home last night to find, new votive candles, and a whole shit-load of incense.
Klayvn knows what I like....
These surprises are the best... I'm not used to someone being so exquisitely kind to me.
And he knows that he doesn't have to be.... All I require is just a little Love, and a couple hugs.. The other stuff is just perks!

**smiles**

------------------------

I made turkey chili last night. MmmMmmmMmm
I put it in the crock pot over night, and when I awoke this morning the entire house smelled WONDERFUL.....
My perception of Heaven... Is a place where the food is always good.... and the smells are aromatic!

--------------Do you ever?------------
Do you ever check yourself out in the mirror before/after you take a shower?
Just to see where the weight is distributing.... For the first time in a long time I did this.
And, I still have the tiny love handles... and the tiny belly pudge.... I had those even before I had Emry.. When I was tiny. I usually see my pudge areas and frown... or grimace... But last night... Not so much... I really think my goal of losing 10lbs before vacation and overall just toning up... Is starting to work. I notice a tightening in my problem areas, and my face is looking smaller.

**FINGERS CROSSED**

Vacation is.......... 2 months and 2 days! Hooray! WOOT!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Monday... *pouts*

Recently, after reading one of the few blogs I follow, I decided not to wish for the end of the week.
So, I will not say that Monday is awful and I cannot wait for Friday. That will not happen.

But, honestly, Monday = UGH.
No one ever wants to wake up on a Monday... No one EVER wants to just be super happy, and go to work... They still want it to be Sunday, they still want to lay in bed for as long as physically possible.... But, nope...It's Monday.

UGH

But, I got up with great ease. Got dressed... Got Emry dressed... had breakfast... typed up a letter... Then we started our morning commute.

Abnormally easy.

Oh well, I won't look a gift horse in the mouth.

It's dreary and foggy over by me today... When will the sun come back? I saw it for a little bit this weekend.
But, you know, It's almost June... and I do not live in England or Ireland or SEATTLE for crying out loud! It's supposed to be "springy" not... the atmosphere from a werewolf movie!

--------------
It other news.
The state finally got back to me about my appeal on my childcare. Took them a bloody month, but they got back to me.. and all I have to produce is one month of proof. And, then, by the grace of God... I will get my return.

EVERYONE SAY A PRAYER!!!!!!!! Or, send good energy my way at least!!!!!!!

-----------------

I did see the Pirates of the Caribbean movie this weekend, and I liked it. I didn't love it... I thought it was a little long, and that the side bits never got followed through... It was a different director... and a different team of writers, so I knew it wasn't going to be the same... but, you know, I was hoping for close.

But, all in all... Good Pirating Fun.

A ninja would have hated the movie though... you know, there spiteful like that.
*giggles*

----------------------

So, let's see how this week goes.
I plan on doing my daily post... Making at least 3 homemade nutritious dinners... and reading my new book.

Emry wants to practice writing his name at home. .. ... So that he can do it perfect at school...

So cute....

Oh well, I'm dawdling, I should be working.

Happy Monday People!

Friday, May 20, 2011

End of the world? Nah....

I could follow suit and blog about the end of the world....
I know all of my fellow bloggers also agree that this is a crock of... well....you know...

But, I rather talk about my weekend plans.
Because they are way more important than any old World Ending!

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES.

I plan on going to see this movie as many times as they will let me purchase tickets.

=)

Pirates are awesome.

Ninja's are losers.

JUST SAYING.


.....

I plan on cooking intense meals... and hiking....

And having an amazing weekend.

So, when the RAPTURE does come....

at least I'll still be around, hanging out will all the cool people.
You know, my fellow PIRATES!


Self indulgent post.

Happy weekend people!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Who's your Daddy?

"Emry, who's your daddy?"
"Daddy?"
"Yeah, I know honey, what's your daddy's name?"
"Nick."
"Very good! Can I ask you a question?"
"Yes, mama."
"Why do you call Klayvn daddy? Are you confused?"
"No mama."
"Than why?"
"Because I like him better."
"Oh. . . . but you know, that Klayvn loves you very much, but he isn't your daddy."
"I know mama, can I call him it anyway?"
"Honey, I don't know. This is something we all need to talk about as a family."
"Okay mama, you call Klayvn and Daddy. We can do this now."

This conversation happened at the end of our day yesterday. When Emry asked, if he could see daddy... i mean Klayvn..... He's been doing this a lot lately... It's becoming more and more apparent. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to ask where it was coming from....
It's amazing how much a 4 year old boy can notice the neglect and absenteeism of his actual father.....

Klayvn thinks its hysterical.. but weird... and I bet silently he thinks it is overwhelming.
Because for me... it is overwhelming. It's been 6 months... We've been together for 6 months..
Doesn't that seem fast for my kid to reference him as that?????

** DEEP BREATH **

This situation is getting heavy and complex. At least for me, right now...
I love Klayvn. I love him as part of my family. I am willing to work through this complexity to get to a wonderful life, if that's in the cards....
But right now... I feel like this situation is just.... well, I feel like it's drowning me.

Any thoughts?
Please?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Addictions.. (Not an original idea)

I read a blog.. Our Monkey Life .... and today the witty and brilliant author talked about addictions.. you know junk food... and it made me think...

About my past.
About things that once were.
About how weak I used to be.

I am happy to say that today, I am addicted... to Junk Food... like every other red blooded woman! It calls to us....
But, at one time, I was addicted to something way more sinister. Something that could have taken my life. I got through, I am in recovery.. A SELF-MADE, NO REHAB RECOVERY...

My addiction was severe. There were days I couldn't tell you my name, where I was... which way was up. 
It was awful, I hated myself. I hated what I was doing to myself. But, I couldn't stop. Simply, and truly... I would cry about how much I hated the feeling, self-loathing, THE WORKS. But, couldn't stop. 

One day, I woke up... looked at myself in the mirror... and said NO MORE. 
That was it. Haven't turned back, haven't even thought about it. (until now)
I didn't have any symptoms of withdrawal and trust me I should have.....

Then I had Emry... The worlds' most perfect child (I'm biased, I know).... And now, I am so strong. 
I have self-worth. I have self-esteem. I know I can handle life. I know I can love life... without a substance keeping me a float.

I brought myself from the ashes... and am very proud of where I am now. 

I am glad that I can say that I am Addicted... to Junk food.... I am glad to say that I am no longer a JUNKIE... 

ICE CREAM
CHEESE FILLED PRETZELS
FERRERO ROCHE DARK CHOCOLATE

These are my addictions.
And, I am damn proud of them.

Contemplating

I am the first one to tell you about my faults...
I am the first one to try myself under the bus...

But, some people, completely do not take ownership of their faults.

I'm this way because of this...
I'm this way because you did that...
Blah blah blah blah blah

But why?
Are people so blind to see that the same things constantly keep reoccurring?
That they are constantly defending the same type of mannerisms... because it was the fault of someone else?

Jeez... I hate it.

When people meet me for the first time.. I lay it out there... like a mission statement.

I am loud, opinionated, passionate... and generally a bitch... I take care of my friends, and my family. I'm always there for them.. But, if I feel something is wrong... friend, not friend... stranger or not... celeb... or frenemy... I will say something about it. Whether it hurts your feelings or not. I'm a straight shooter, I do not sugar coat anything...ever.

However, upon reading that... I wonder if that's why I have a handful of good friends.. and much more...
I know most people, do not want a friend like me... I really am a bitch... But, my heart is always in the right place. My true friends, and my family... know that... They know that I am direct, to the point, and driven.

If you don't want to help yourself, than I won't do it for you.. But, the second you are ready to take control of whatever it is that you want... I will back you 100%... and help in any way you need me too.

**rolls eyes**

I think I'm pretty great... by the way....
It has taken me a long time to figure out who I am.
What I want from a life.
What I want to strive towards.
And, how I am going to get where I need to be.

I have a plan, and I move with it...

Since I am good with me... I could care less who doesn't like me.

I have realized the dark, snide tone that this post is taking... I apologize blogger world...
I obviously need to get this out.

On a brighter note, my panic attacks have stopped... and I am in generally a good mood.

I will try and write more through out the day...
Until later...

Monday, May 16, 2011

{{PANIC ATTACK}}

I have written since Thursday... not because I didn't want to.. but because Friday, sucked. Majorly sucked.
It was the day that never ended... and made the entire weekend ominous... and today... unmanageable.

On Friday, my sister... who is my best friend... utterly, without a doubt... well, on Friday, we had a fight. A all out brawl out... not speaking to each other, family feud. My sister and I haven't fought since I was in high school... And that... was ... a LONG time ago.

My sister decided that her and her husband wanted to become foster parents. 
(Side note: isn't that super? I mean seriously, there are so many children in the system... I'm glad that they chose this path other than going overseas to adopt... or getting inseminated... Not that I have anything against either of those options. I just have seen the amount of group homes, and children in those environments).

So anyway, back on topic... when you are trying to become a foster parent... NYS makes you go through a rigorous application and class schedule... But, hey, I think they should, because if they didn't, the redneck crackheads would be getting loads of kids just for the money. One part of this process required her husband and her to give their residence (month and year) for the past 28 years.... the exact month and year.... no approximates.

So, she asked my father and I for some help... which we tried to give... giving  her an idea of the time frames to look for... and I called her a brat.. because she seemed so upset, that we weren't going to do all the work for her. (And, I honestly think that 28 years of residence is a little excessive... JEEZ NYS you are a crazy state!) She got really upset... and we didn't know... but she just ended the conversation and we went on with our typical Thursday night...
FRIDAY hits, and by 930 in the morning, I get this pointed, abrasive email from my sister saying basically that I was being callus to her situation.. and that I didn't understand that severity of it. That since it didn't have anything to do with me or my son... I made a joke out of it. (Which wasn't the case, my sister can be a little obsessive, and paranoid..I was just trying to lighten her mood... she knows how I am... I joke.... but, obviously this time... she was just not in the mood) She continued to say that we were not going to be asked to help anymore, or involved in this moment in her life. (Which I thought was a little uncalled for.)

Now, I got upset... REALLY upset. My sister knows better than to email me at the office, on Friday, my busiest day. She knows, that my mother is the one who does these things. Disrupts your day at work, and make the entire day miserable...  So, I emailed her back, and did nothing to help the situation. . . I said things, and I meant them.. but they still came across in an angry way... In which she replied something she probably meant in the tone... back and forth.. back and forth... you know what I mean? 

But, I got over myself, and I apologized. Still told her that her email was ill-timed and I still felt it was uncalled for... but I was sorry for the things I said.

IN WHICH SHE REPLIED, "YOU CAN STOP WRITING BECAUSE I'M DONE READING"

Which, made all the blood run to my face... I called her went straight to voicemail and I told her if she was going to be this way, that I wasn't going to deal with it anymore. I told her to lose my number...

I haven't heard a word. 

I hate fighting with anyone... let alone my sister....

So that dictated my weekend. 
MY ENTIRE WEEKEND.

We did fun things, I was able to cope... but, in the back of my head... this situation lingered.

Still haven't heard a word.... 

This morning hits, I get Emry ready for school, I was ready for work... and then, it happened.

{{{{PANIC ATTACK}}}

My chest exploded, my heart wouldn't stop beating fast. I couldn't breathe... I just wanted to burst in to tears. However, I kept it together until I got Emry to school...But, the second I got home, I lost it.

I couldn't keep my shit together. I just continued to cry, and cry.... I couldn't eat... Klay messaged me, My friend Lissa too... asking if they could do anything... all I could reply was, "I don't know. Have a good day." I still don't know what I can do to take away this aching... this overwhelming empty feeling.

I mean, I know it has to do with the sister-situation... I know that I should call and try again to apologize... But, I don't want to deal with what happens if she is still being a brat... and making this situation bigger than it is.... and hangs up at me, or tells me to get lost.. It would make me worse. I would fall apart even more.

Do I regret my initial response to her uncalled for email. I could have just ignored it. I could have thought about what she had written, and then responded in a more objective way after I had calmed down. But, she should have known better too... And, she has been such a bully recently... Inner voice is great to have, being able to express how you feel when you are upset, is wonderful too... But, there is a time and a place to do it... and a way.... 

**Sighs**

I just want to be able to get through this... without upsetting or angering any one else. I am trying not to have a panic attack around anyone... But, I have to go to work tomorrow... I hope I can be rested enough to do that....

I don't know what to do... and I'm just ranting on and on... Hoping for an answer to present itself. I know it's not going to... Just hope for the best I guess....

Thursday, May 12, 2011

In T-minus 2 months and 9 days...

In 2 months and 9 days, I will go on my first ever family vacation with Emry.
I know this sounds weird... Yes, we have been on vacations before this one... but always to see family, or stay with family... Never us going to a tourist trap, staying in a packed hotel, and being... well, TOURISTS!

It's sad that this is a milestone... but it is.
When I was married, these weren't an option... we barely had enough money to get by. This was mainly because the ex could barely hold down a job that paid... and when he did have a decent job with pay, he was always wasting his (it was never ours) on stupid crap... We never had any savings.

So tell me, how I get divorced, am making a reasonable salary (we get by, I wish we could get by better, but that will take time) and I have a savings? I can afford to take my son on a cool vacation!  Explain that? Oh wait, I can... allow me.... I can do this because I have eliminated the dead weight from our world, the selfish man child that was keeping our family away from greatness!

*sighs*

Venting feels good.

So, anyway back to my point... 2 months and 9 days = vacation. Which also means, I have to wear a bathing suit.

UGH.

Before pregnancy I was 5'4 and 108lbs.... After pregnancy I was 5'4 180lbs... yup, I gained 72 lbs... and today, I am 145lbs... My BMI is 42.5.... So it's a little high... A healthy BMI is 40 (at least the last time I checked it was). If I lost 10 lbs, I would be within (if not a little under) a BMI of 40.

So, I have 2 months, to do this... Shouldn't be so hard right? It's not like I want to drop 40 or 50 pounds... just a measly ten.

So, I am trying to cut out the dreaded morning BAGEL. . . That is soooooo tasty... but soooooo fatty!
I have replaced it with a 1/2 cup of low-fat granola, a banana, and 1/2 cup of Soy protein (vanilla chair flavored, it's yummy)

That's step one.

Step 2: Walking. Yes, I do walk around work, up and down stairs... but, I want to add an extra 30 minutes of walking a day. I figured Emry and I can take the dog for a walk down our street every night... It will be a nice way to wind down.

Step 3: Some type of exercise... preferably abs and thighs.... I have my mommy parenting magazine exercise section, and I have a few exercises I think I can do before bed every night...  We'll see how that works... But, no more than like 10 minutes.

Step 4: Cutting out the late night (after 7p) snacking. I was doing SO good for SO long... but Klay is a late night snacker... so I have been too... Not good. Got to cut it out....

Step 5: Fast food or cafeteria food at work.... I will bring a healthy lunch to work. I WILL BRING A HEALTHY LUNCH TO WORK.

Step 6: No SODA. (Self explanatory)

I feel that if I can manage these 6 steps for 2 months, I will lose 10 lbs (may be more if I truly commit).
I want to look cute in my swim suit.
I want to look good for me.

Who's with me?
Anyone else trying to slim down for the summer?

COME ON SOMEONE COMMENT! I know you're reading!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Snuggle Time

Emry has been having trouble going to sleep as of recently.
Yes, it is lighter out later.. That could be one of the factors...
But also, and I'm embarrassed to admit this... *sighs*... I took away the nighttime sippy cup.

WAIT WAIT WAIT! BEFORE YOU TELL ME HOW AWFUL IT IS FOR HIS TEETH! LET ME EXPLAIN!

I give him 3 ounces (barely a human sip) of a 3:1 water to juice ratio. It's enough for him to take a sip, then pass out. So, it's mostly water sitting on his teeth, and before I go to bed, I usually pull the sippy cup out of his room, and bring it downstairs, so it doesn't turn into a pacifier effect.

It's something he's been doing forever, and finally I realized, "OMG he's 4 years old, this has got to stop!"
So, I quickly pulled it. The first night he was upset, the second night he didn't notice, the third night he started telling me he was Thhhhiiirrrrssstttyyyy in which I promptly told him that he could take a sip of water from his cup in the bathroom....
Seems like the smoothest transistion ever... yes? Well, it did seem that way, until I noticed that he was staying up later and later in his bed.

We wake up ungodly early, I work an hour away, and he has school starting at 7 a.m. ........So, we have to get up, fed and out the door by 640 a.m. at the latest. Which means that bedtime is early, for both of us.
I noticed that he was still awake in his room by 8 or 9 in the evening. Which means he was getting more and more tired in the morning.

**rolls eyes**
So, what do I do? How do I proceed? My first thought is that I would read to him, calming him down before bed, so it would aid in him going to sleep quicker.

**shakes head**
Didn't work, not one bit... 930 p.m. and he was still awake.

**GROANS**
So, how did I proceed then?

I committed the worst crime a mother could committ... I swear, I felt awful....well, not really... but, it really did pull at my moral parenting strings....

I scooped him up, plopped him in my bed, covered him, and turned on Disney Junior. Set the sleep timer to 15 minutes, and told him when the TV turned off, it was time to sleep. No if ands or buts...
Worked like a charm.

However, the one issue. . . . He was still in my bed, when I went to bed.

So, how did I proceed?

I snuggled up into him, and slept peacefully myself.


So, I traded one problem for another.
Yeah, he's sleeping now...
But it's in my bed....
At least he's a good snuggler.

Now, I got to work on getting him to bed... in his bed, at a reasonable hour.

Got to figure it out.
Any suggestions?

I'd be up to hear anything...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Nightmares

I have very vivid dreams, and sometimes, very very vivid nightmares.
These are the type of dreams that you can feel the wind on your face, smell the particular aromas of your surroundings, feel the weight of your feet on the ground... all that jazz.

Last night, after a very good day... I had a nightmare.

I dreamt I was going to a bar with friends (which is rare, I never go out with friends anymore, not since the stalking incident, which is a different story) and when I walked in the bar, my eyes directly fell on Klayvn. I knew that he wasn't supposed to be there, and that he had no idea I was going to be there. But, my eyes laid upon he and this tiny, beautiful blonde girl, with incredibly long hair. I could feel the anger flow to my cheeks... So, as if he could feel me, he looked up, and was caught, but didn't quite know what to do. His eyes flashed back and forth between me and the blonde bombshell.

Calmly, I walk over to him, pretend like we are not together, that I did not just catch him being a typical cheating male, and pretended like I haven't seen him in forever. Commented how beautiful his date was, and said I'd see him around. I then walked right out of the bar, to my car, and was met by the stalker. (I haven't mentioned much about the stalker in this blog, he's kind of non existent in my world right now, and hopefully forever, but for intensive purposes let's just say it was a bad time for everyone when this person plagued my world.) 

I looked at this person, who was sitting on the hood of my vehicle, and he was shaking his head. I was unafraid of him, and just shrugged, and bypassed him... Got in my car, turned in on, and put the car in drive. He was no longer on my vehicle, but in the passenger seat next to me. Still solemly shaking his head at me. This person always had the reasoning that I was a horrible person, and that no one could really love me, because I was selfish, and that the only role I had in any mans world...was to be a concubine. (Even though his thoughts were flawed, and ignorant, they still stick with me I suppose.)

Then I woke up. 

So, not an earth shattering, monsters/zombies chasing and eating me Nightmare. Just a very ominous Nightmare. What do I do with that?

Let's see what our Dream Dictionary says about key points of this dream... shall we?
To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are unconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship

To see a blond person in your dream, suggests that you need to enjoy life and live it up. Be a little glamorous.

To dream that you are being stalked, indicates some difficulty or issue which you are not confronting. These problems are not going to go away just because you are ignoring them. If you are being stalked in real life, then this fear may be carried over into your dream state.

Okay..... So, I definitley have self-esteem issues, I've always been told that I am not good enough, and will never be good enough... I do fear being along... I should enjoy life and live it up (Thus, what I have been trying to do) And, the stalker shaking his head at me is just be subconscious telling me to stop ignoring things that bother me.....

Let's break this down even further.

I trust Klay, I know he would tell me it wasn't working out before actually becoming the typical cheating male. He knows that he can be honest with me, and I trust that he will.
I still fear it though... I really have started to rely and depend on his prescence in my world. Not that I need him near me every second of every day... I do like my alone time, I do like to spread out and lounge in my bed alone, every once in a while....
But, he's the best man I've ever known. They are hard to come by... believe me. My son loves him and has begun to rely on his presence as well... So I guess I fear more that this wonderful family unit will disappear, and my son will hurt... as well as me....

**Sighs**

Anyone else have ominous dreams? Anyone else fear about the unknown?

Just got to live life, and strive for happiness.

Sleep to dream
Dream to be Happy.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Motherhood... Dating... How your kid copes with divorce.... (Mothers Day Post)

So, as we all know this past weekend (Mothers' Day weekend) was my ex's weekend to have Emry.
I was okay with it, as long as I had my son back on Mothers Day, at least for dinner.
We also know, that since I was childless from Friday night to Sunday morning, that Klayn was going to take me away on a fancy-fance weekend.

Seems awesome... right?
Most of it was... but some points... just plain sucked.

Friday, I was supposed to drop Emry off with his father, and then hustle back home so Klay and I could begin our weekend.
Emry did not want to go. At all. Cried, whined and pleaded for me to bring him home.

"Honey, daddy really wants you this weekend, he wants to do fun things with you, please give him a chance to."

(From what I was told, his father was supposed to take him to an antique car show, and to the park...etc....)

Emry still did not want to go. Screamed and begged.
This was not a tantrum, this was a child who outwardly does not enjoy time with his father.

Tough noogies, right? It's your dad deal with it, right?!

I am not that way. If he doesn't want to be there... than he shouldn't have to be. I have full custody, and I only allow my ex to spend time with Emry, because I think it's the right thing. So, if Emry doesn't want to, what should I do? Make him?

The mother in me kicked in, "Baby, give daddy a chance, if you don't have fun, by tomorrow, have daddy call me, and I will come get you. Just keep asking until he does."

This quelled my heartbroken sobbing child, and allowed him to go to his father without issue.
I warned my ex about this "freak out" moment, and begged him not to let his son down.

(Which was asking too much because by 11p Saturday night, Emry wanted to be home. And, that's where he was first thing Sudnay morning... because there was no Antique car show, no trip to the park... no nothing. There was Friday Night Sidewalk chalk, and a full Saturday of cartoon watching inside... no fun, no nothing.)

So, Emry has decided that he doesn't want to go anymore. That he loves being with Klay and I.Who am I to disagree? We are more of a family than when the Ex and I were "happily married".

Could my ex interact with us? Could he, Emry and I be together more, making it easier on Emry? Sure. Trust me, I've tried to make plans like that, and they always fell through (not by my hand, but by the man who cannot committ to anything but his life, and his important tasks (neither of which include his son, hell they didn't even include me when we were married.)

But, what I have decided is that the ex will be on standby. That he should call his son, and ask him if they could get together. Show Emry the effort, and the want... see if that works.

We'll see how far that goes.

------------------
But, you ask, how was my couple of nights away? How was my fancy-fance?

It was simply awesome.

We stayed at a Bed & Breakfast, and our room had a full jacuzzi... in the room, and a beautiful sky light above it.  Very good for star gazing.



We did some mild shopping through the outdoor shops, and I got a cute buddha statue. (I collect, I <3 the buddha).






We went to a formal dinner, at the world's most beautiful place... and had an amazing vue of the mountains from our table.







And other small things in between. It was simple and romantic... and utterly perfect.
I felt like a princess.





All in all... Lots of fun....

It's good to be a mother.... It's good to be some one's girlfriend...
Finding the balance is hard.

But, so worth the effort.