People Just as Crazy as Me

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Pain - Thursday Vent Post - Part One

Today I have had an UNENDING PAIN, in my abdomen, and that pain has krept up into my right shoulder.

I swear, I can't think. I can't work. I've been triple checking everything I do today, because I feel liek I am going to make a mistake.

The pain is blinding, but of course, I have no personal days left, and my next sick day has to fall in July... because that's when it is accrued.

OH MAN.
I need to take a hot bath, and hopefully Emry will let me do that.

I will type later, when I am in a better place, like my bed, with a heating pack.. and glass of tea....

AFTER EMRY GOES TO BED

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Wednesday 2nd Post... PICNIC BLUES

the company picnic came and went.
I felt like I wasn't even there... Emry was too small for all the fun activites... so we spent the day walking and he was in the kiddie pool.

At least I got some color on my legs...

My friends are mostly single without children... and the one who does have a lot of kids... they are all in their teens... so they could be part of the hoopla (yeah, I said hoopla).

So, I felt alone most of the day.

And I could see in the distance, all of them taking group pictures... having a blast... and I was being... well, what I am, a mom.

No one came to look for me, no one seemed to care that I wasn't a part of things.

I guess I'm being sensitive. 

I had a nice time with Emry... and it's not like I sat at my desk all day.... 


Afterwards, we surprised Klayvn at his job... he showed Emry off to his bosses, who knew my son by name (Think Klay talks about my kid much?). Then we went home. 

Emry has been making these intense tracks around the living room.... train tracks that go for miles..... Very intricate... it's amazing...

I guess it's time to start the bedtime routine...
I think I'll go to bed early tonight. 

I'm pretty tired.



Facebook Wednesdays - Just one of them stuck out today

"Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own" unknown
 
I'm a little sad today... and so when I read this... it helped me gain perspective.
I wish I could write more, but Emry and I have to get ready for my company picnic....UGH.
Perhaps tonight, I will open up and admit why I am sad.
Until later.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I AM SOMEONE'S FAVORITE! AHHH!

"You Are My Favorite" by Our Monkey Life


I HAVE BEEN REFERENCED!!!!!!!!!!!
SOMEONE CARES ABOUT ME AND THIS BLOG!!!!!!!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!


I feel really special by this, since this is the first someone has referenced me in their blog.

I am glad that I am making a point, and others are receiving it.
I am glad that I am not alone in this Journey of Life.

YAY!

(Oh BTW: Our Monkey Life Blog Author, I love you... LOL.. I added your button to my blog, because you are awesome! and I love your blog too!!!!!)

P.S:

DOES ANYONE WANT TO TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE A BUTTON???

Yahoo Article Tuesday - INFURIATED BY THIS

Woman Fired over Wearing Hijab

I commented a few times about this.
Peoples ignorant comments ASTOUND ME.

How is her Hijab hurting anyone?
It's her belief system.
And honestly, in today's day and age.. where I see TWEENS wearing clothes worthy of a strip club TO PROM... I think a little modesty can be learned from.

This woman is an american citizen, she was born here... Her rights are clearly specified...

The ignorant comments telling her to go back to where she came from.. COME ON SHE CAME FROM HERE. Moronic people.

So angry.
And what's horrible... is that this hatred has stemmed from 9/11....
Which was horrible... I lost many family friends and friends parents on that day...

But PEOPLE NEED TO SEE PAST THE RACE, THE RELIGION, and see what really happened.

A BAD GROUP of a CERTAIN CULTURE DID THIS TO US... NOT ALL MUSLIMS...

This hatred has got to stop... oh.. even better....

9/11 Hate Crime - FORGIVENESS!!!!!!

This made me happy to read.
Not a Yahoo article. . . but still....

Yahoo Article Tuesday - This is pretty cool!

Really Cool Trees=

Okay.
These pictures are pretty sick...meaning awesome...

Nature has a way of surprising me..
It's intricacy.... And strange beauty.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Monday - 2nd Post - Growth

Over the weekend...Klay and I had... what could have been a major fight... over a silly thing (but, isn't that true of most fights?) We're both pretty hot headed....
But, we didn't... Okay, I'm being vague, let me explain.

Emry has one of those unbreakable digital cameras, I think it's made by Fisher Price. He had taken 354 pictures, which is the max. I went to take them off, and save them with the rest of his beautiful pics (He really has an eye). When I noticed the camera froze while transferring the media to the computer.
So, I can't do much, so I just unplug it from the laptop.

Klay is a big tech guy... He knows a lot about computers and storage.... and all that junk. (Honestly, he knows a lot about everything.) So, I start to get a conversation about How I probably would lose the data, since I didn't eject the USB first.

I'm sorry... I rolled my eyes, and said something along the lines of "give me a break".
Which was rude... and he gave me his, "Okkkaaaay, like I don't know anything about this stuff..."
and walked away.

I did lose the pics. He was right. So, I was bitter... PMS moment... but, I kind of hate when he talks computer jargon with me... I feel small.... which I guess is more my problem than it is his...

So, we went our separate ways in my home, and finally it bubbled over.

He told me he was "F*cking pissed" because I dismissed him, and basically told him to "F*ck off."
Which, in retrospect I did, but I quickly came back (with venom in my voice), "Well, I'm sorry you felt that way, but sometimes, when you are trying to "teach" me something, I feel this (small size) big."
He told me whatever and walked away.
I fueled into it... "if you're going to be angry, just go home, I don't need this today."
He ignored me.

Continued with playing with Emry....

He was going to take Emry to the movies, I saw Klay climb the stairs to go to Emry's room, and something hit me. I WAS WRONG. I WAS MEAN. I WAS THE ONE AT FAULT. AND I WAS THE ONE KEEPING THIS GOING.

I bounded up the stairs behind him, and he turned to face me in Emry's room, I guess he assumed that I was still upset, and I grabbed him, and held him, and apologized.... I was wrong the way I acted.
He then told me that if I ever do feel that way, to let him know, because it is not his intention.

Okay. What's my point?

I had a moment of growth.

When Nick and I used to fight... HELL when any of my exes and I used to fight... I would keep my venom, my anger... and I would fight it out..... Usually for days. I would hold a grudge... I would hold it against the other person... Honestly, I always felt tiny, and unwanted in my past relationships, especially in my marriage. I would blame his infidelity and distance on me... because of how mean I was being... But, I was mean... because I felt unloved, and I didn't know how to properly express it.

By, knowing I was wrong, by taking ownership of it, during the midst of a fight. I grew. I had an emotional, spiritual, and mental moment of growth.

I am proud of myself.

Have any of you had a moment of growth that stopped you in your tracks and made you say "whoa!"?

Does anyone know what I'm talking about here? or am I just babbling?


I love Klay. I really do.
And I think when something (a relationship) is real... you think outside of yourself....
You think of your needs and their needs at the same time. Both are equally important.

Music Mondays - Perfect x 2





Above you will find two videos... Both songs are called "Perfect". The first one is song by Alanis Morissette, and the other by Simple Plan.

Why two songs called perfect?
Why am I honing in on this particular concept, that we all know is unattainable?

Because, even though it isn't something within grasp, it's also something, as a whole, we all strive for.

To be perfect parents
To be perfect students
Perfect Kids
Perfect Wives
Perfect Dads
Perfect People....



I have the disillusion of trying to obtain this, on more than one occasion.
But, I have to take a step back, and re-evaluate.
Say things like, my best is good enough...
I can have my own version of perfection...
I am comfortable with what I have...
I do not need to have what others think I should have....


But, pressure is constantly put on us.
To be the best, not to fall behind...
To have the latest and greatest object.

I don't want objects... I want memories...
Objects are cool... Objects are shiny, but, in the end not necessary.


So, today I preach the following:


You are the PERFECT  you.
No one is as great as YOU are...

No one has the same talents as you do.
And you are beautiful, capable, empowered, and driven.

It's a mantra.... I like it....

Perfection like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder...

And as I look at myself in the mirror... I am content with the perfection I see.

Happy Monday People!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Potpourri & Poetry Fridays - And God know's what else....

You didn't have to be....


You didn't have to be kind to me.
We didn't have to be friends...
All I wanted was one simple thing
Once again you can't contend.


I wanted you to be his father
The role blood, and the gods gave to you
I wanted him to know you
Since it's something I know you wished for you.


A letter, a moment, a second of your time...
Just to let me know it would be all right.
Wasn't an option.
Wasn't worth your time.
Oddly enough,
I can't say I'm surprised...


I push on, and make this life.
Exactly what he needs...
With love, compassion, and the sacrifice
Just to provide the means...


"I need to have a life too."
Is something you once said.
I'm sorry if 4 days a month is too much
While I am regularly losing sleep


The cooking, the cleaning
Boo-boo kissing, and bad dream quelling
The laughing, the tears, and his cries
Things you will never know


You didn't have to be anything...
Except his father...


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


As you can tell I (and Emry) was once again let down by the producer of semen.
I got an email with dates he'd be available to take him, and I promptly let him know, that I expected more.
I wanted a written commitment to his son. I spelled out exactly what I expected.
I got "What do you want from me?"
And a bunch of denials that he wasn't being a bad father.
I told him it wasn't good enough...
Oh crap... This is what happened... I'll post it!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Him: I came up with dates that I would like to take EMRY october is kinda fuzzy as I don't have the drill schedule for that month yet I will get it when I go to drill dates are as follows if it suits you and you haven't made any plans
July - 2-3, 23-24
August - 13-14, 27-28
Sept - 3-4, 17-18
Oct* 1-2, 22-23
Call me tomorrow and tell me if this works plus I can tell you about the crazy knock on my door at 3am that kept me awake til almost 430

ME: This is a good start.
However, I told you, July 21-24 we are on vacation.
So, that doesn't work.

1) I asked for a commitment to your son.
A plan. Along with 4 months of weekends.
This way I can feel easier that he can rely on you.
So I don't have to pick up the pieces, when you don't come through.

2) Also, I want you to stop TELLING HIM you are going to buy him something, you never intend on buying him
HELICOPTER
LEGO $200 TRAINS.
It is cruel.
And, I have to figure out a way to

3) When are you going to start contributing to your son's financial needs again?
He is going to need school supplies, and school clothes, and other things.
So when are you going to be back on your feet enough to contribute?

PLEASE COVER THESE 3 topic in your next email. And, then I will tell you if you have met my needs, and insecurities.

Thank you.
 

HIM:What more do you want .for the dates I gave u 4 months like u asked the other 2 weekends in july I'm working, as for telling him I'm going to buy him stuff the only thing I said I would was the helicopter, also I can most likely start giving you money again the second week of july although I'm not sure if I can do 100 every week, when I have my scedule for next fiscal yrs drills I can give you dates up to next yr

ME:N icholas,

It is clear from your response that you are not taking this seriously.
It is clear from your response you are unable to give me a plan, on how you are going to make it up to your son, and give him the attention he deserves.
I was not asking for a lot here.
Your inability to maintain consistency, and your lack of respect for your child has led me to this.
You do not take responsibility for your actions, and do not see how your neglect and inconsistency hurts EMRY.
I will not allow for you only to be a parent when it suits you.
I will not allow you to hurt my son anymore.

Please leave us be.
Please allow me to give EMRY the base he deserves, and the stability he craves.

Do not call or write.
I do not require your financial assistance, since it is clear that you will never be able to keep yourself a float.

When, and if, you think you are ready to be a father, you can try this email again.
But change takes time, so make sure you're 100% there before you try again.
But, in my opinion, and lack of faith in you, I know I won't here another peep out of you again.

This letter was not for me.
This letter was for your son, who will never know it, but has been let down again, because you couldn't take the time to prove that you were ready to be a father.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


And as predicted, not one peep since. NOT ONE!
I am not surprised.
It upsets me that he couldn't commit to his own son.
But, I will now do what I knew I would have to...
Start erasing these bad memories, by making new happy ones.


 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Thursday ReCap: There is so much I have wanted to say!!!!!

Let's begin with:
Father's Day Weekend....

Father's day weekend, the ex popped out of the wood works (obviously with no notice) to let me know he wanted Emry for his day. His Day?????? You haven't seen your kid in a month, called, or really made any contact except for grabbing your mail... and you think you get a say?!?!?!?! FUCK YOU.
I didn't say that though, I have to think above and beyond my hatred, and I asked Emry.
Who said Yes, then quickly No. I asked him what he was thinking.... it came to a head that Emry didn't want to go to Nick's because he knows it makes me sad. I had to quickly run interference on this, because I try my hardest to tell Emry that seeing his father, is his decision, and it doesn't hurt me either way, because I want, what he wants.. So, in the end, Emry wanted to spend the day with his father. But, not overnight... he strongly did not want to spend the night there. Probably because it is small, but I didn't ask.

So, I spent the day with my father, making our garden look beautiful, I will post pictures sometime, it really does look nice. And, the evening Klay and I spent with his family. I realized something, while I sit in their house. I realized, that this dynamic, is what I want for my son. The joking, the good energy, all of it. This is how I want him to grow up. Loved, and happy... It's what I strive to give him.

Monday, well, Monday was a day that scared me. Monday, Klayvn was 100% silent. It happens from time to time, I did not upset me, I figured he had a busy day of work (not everyone has a slow paced job, like me). But, at 6:30, I hadn't heard anything so I sent out a text...asking if everything was okay.
It wasn't. He hadn't gone to work, he had an anxious evening, and apprehensions that kept him home. And he wanted to talk about them at his place. I have many defense mechanisms. I have many walls that come up, when something this vague is presented to me. It took me 45 minutes to make a 15 minute journey. Why? Because I couldn't get there. Mentally and emotionally I got angry... the defense mechanism kicked in, and I just couldn't be rational. I did not want to show up, until I could listen to what was going to be said. I have been broken up with in the past, in the worst ways... my ex asked for a "break" during sex once. Yeah, not kidding. The WORST ways. And that is what I feared from Klayvn. I get there, he pours me a glass of wine, offers snacks, and I was still so guarded that I kept my keys and my flip flops and everything close to me.... so I could book it if presented with a break up. (Even though the perfection of our relationship, I still fear being rejected, it's an obstacle I am trying to overcome daily).  
He says the following sentence: "I think I'm afraid of disappointing you and Emry."
I blink rapidly, put down my glass of wine, because I'm waiting for the proverbial punch. He just stared at me. I told him now, was not a time to be vague, that even though I sounded it, I was not angry, but concerned, and needed to know exactly what was going on... because well, I was scared.
He told me he couldn't explain it, but that he had let down past gf's. Which I quipped with, Have you disappointed them, or have they made unrealistic expectations of you, and let themselves down? Because it takes two. That's all I have got to say on that.
He told me I raised a good point. We continued.
I ask, "Do you want to take a break?" I NEEDED TO GET IT OUT OF THE WAY IF THAT WHAT WAS GOING ON. I got a rapid No head shake. It got real for him, all of this, became real. And, it scared him how much he likes it... how much he is coming to depend on us. My heart melted. My walls melted too. How could I get so defensive against someone, so much like myself? How could I allow my past to overcome to beauty of this man before me. Heart and Soul, complete beauty. I closed the distance between us, and I held him. I told him that he exceeds my expectations for a lover, and a partner in so many ways, and he exceeds these expectations almost on a daily basis. I told him he was my home, because he is where a large portion of my heart is. The other large portion is with Emry. And a small portion for food (yeah I love food, ask my love handles. HAHA). We held each other, for a while, then I told him why I had been so guarded.
"What did you think I was going to break up with you over Wine, Cheese and Crackers?" Is what came from my explanation. and Yes, Yes I did.

The other portion of my week was filled with working, my bestie being a little uncaring (which I have calmed over, and moved on) and my ex hitting another low.. even for him.

Which happened last night.
Nick has had a toolbox in my storage closet, taking up vital real estate, since he left us. He told me (many a time) he was coming to get it, and that never happened. When my father finally said it was going on the front lawn, to be taken by anyone, and then that he instead was going to sell it and it's contents on craigslist, Nick sprang into action. Yesterday, at 6pm, it was supposed to leave my home. 6:09 p.m. I get a phone call, that since it is raining, he cannot take it. How does rain prevent you from putting your toolbox in the back of a truck and driving it away. And, why couldn't he have called my before he was supposed to be there? Because he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Because he never respected me. I couldn't help it.
Then tells me that he has plans for Joe this weekend. Which isn't happening, because I have had a family reunion BBQ scheduled for about  month. I let him have it. Verbally, I gave it to him. I told him this was not going to happen anymore. That he was ruining all the work I had done, to make Emry feel safe and loved and comfortable. That his pop-ins here and there were NOT acceptable, and I was NOT going to have it happen anymore. He told me he was not trying to hurt Emry, and not trying to ruin anything. I told him I wanted Emry to have a NORMAL life.. or close to it... not to feel broken because of the fact his father can't be bothered to give him the love and attention he deserves.
That if he wanted to do this, for real, that he needed to do the following for me:
I want an email. This email will state your commitment to being a father, with 4 months of weekend days that you plan to take Emry. That will be adhered to, unless death or injury. He works  an overnight job, with straight hours, and the drill schedule is laid out for a year. THERE IS NO REASON THIS CANNOT BE DONE. I wanted a commitment for his son, so Emry could have something to rely on. I told him I wanted it in my inbox by tomorrow evening, if it did not show, then he could just give up on calling, and popping in and out. That for his sons sake, it be in his better interest, to just back off. So, that this stress and lack of a relationship can be forgotten, that Emry could move on, and be happy.
We'll see what happens there.
I don't think anything will come.

We'll see....
There you go.
My recap.
So cathartic.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Frustration

Ok, if needed, I think I will add personalized posts... like if I need to vent.

This being said.
I need to vent.

*laughs*

But, seriously, half the reason I started to blog, was because I needed to get my thoughts out. I have a handful of very good friends, and I really think they get tired of me voicing opinions about my life.... as often as I do. But, I really think vocalizing something, allows you to process it better, and either gain perspective from others opinions, or allow you to reach your own perspective.

Today, I have learned... I do ... I do talk too much about my life.
And, today, I almost snapped, at my best friend.
Because, with her funny quippy comment, that once a month, I worry about disappointing someone... hit me below the belt. And that my fear of disappointing was (said in a baby-waby voice) So Cute.

My best friend, has about 10 years on me... She's smart, and funny... and witty... I enjoy her presence and her soul. Today, not so much.

Her words elicited this insecure reaction out of me... That, my daily battle and struggle of trying to be accepted... was CUUUUUTTTTEE. Because once a month... is more like everyday. It is my personal problem, and it comes from an abusive childhood... with a mother, you could never please, that you were never good enough for.

Even worse, is the fact, that my best friend is the reason I have Klayvn. She has known him for 15 years... So, I really don't want to pick a fight with her... because we all would suffer.

So, I am biting my tongue, but completely sent her, YOU HURT MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I'M A LITTLE SENSITVE energy vibes... which I think she caught, because, she started being super funny.

But, I am still feeling a tad bit sensitve...
And, I hate the fact, that I now feel, like I burden people with my life.

Yes, I do use my support system (friends and family) more than a normal person... but, I am just figuring things out, one day at a time, some times seconds at a time... and if someone loves you, I feel you should be there regardless... I would never make someone feel like their life was burdening me.

But, I am giving her some space.. and myself some space.... So I can just figure out how I can say that my feelings were hurt, without making a big deal about it.

The other trait of my bestie (aw yeah, I said it, BESTIE, i love that word, I don't care how old I am) that sometimes eeerrkkkks me, is her inability to be wrong. I'm afraid to tell her, and have her say, I was being honest, and you are like that too, so you shouldn't really be hurt, now should you?  Because then, I really would feel...OOPID.

So, I guess more venting on the blog will come...
Along with the Dailies... That I actually am enjoying doing... Who would have thunk?!

I'll save a major portion of this weekly comings and goings for tomorrow.... but, today, this needed to be said...

I'm appreciative of my readers.... and appreciative of all of your feedback.... in a way, you all are become part of my support system.. I thank you.

Facebook Wednesdays

1)  :-) ... :-P
Well.... =P to you too... you ever wonder what peoples conversations actually stand for??? or are about????

2) Dinner with two friends that I have known each for more than 30 years. That's what life is about. Love you girls ♥
Awwww... that's kind of special... It made me think of how many people I've known for over 10 years... there aren't that many. Makes those elite friendships special...

3) Gym time, pump up time for tomorrow...tomorrow is FIELD DAY @Boces! Kinda excited, yayy!
Jeez, Field Day? I used to hate field day as a kid... All I wanted to do was hang out on the jungle gym.. upside down.

4) Yummy, yum, yummers! I like their minimal but well chosen dim sum. Plus their dinner dishes are awesome too. Really clean tasting for the lighter dishes. Not a lot of oil in those dishes. But spici...
Jeez, sounds great... you think you could have added to restaurant NAME?! Maybe? Just saying.

5) Gets by with a little help from her friends!!!
*Hums song melody*

6) Quiz time cause I've seen this in Iraq AND on Terminal Lance....... WHO THE FUCK IS WAGNER!?!?!?!?!?!
AHHHH!!! I don't know! Maybe he doesn't like you and that's why you don't know him!!!

7) miss this town so muchh. </3
WE MISS YOU TOO!!!!!! (Now, go away!) j/k

8) wake up CALL: meaning you get a phone call, and if your phone is off the hook, we cannot call you...not my bad...your bad
**GIGGLES** Hate your hotel job? because I couldn't tell!


I have realized through analyzing my friends status updates... that I have some driven friends, with excellent grammar.... and wit.
Thank goodness...
But boo, because I wanted something funny to talk about today.

Total BUST!

LOL.



Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Yahoo Article Tuesdays - Casey Anthony - Opinions?


Even the judge is starting to see the amount of bullshit going on in this trial. 
It's sad that these kind of games are being played by lawyers... especially the prosecution, who should be doing everything within their power, to be intelligent and smart... So that this "woman" gets to go away for a long time for her crime.

I imagine every one has read about this.

In synopsis, this woman is being charged with the murder of her 2 year old daughter. 
The allegations state that she chloroformed her daughter, duct tape her mouth and nose... and threw her in the trunk of her car... Where the young girl suffocated and died.

Casey Anthony is then alleged to have hidden the body and tried to cover up this act.

MY OPINION:

This woman did it. Without a doubt. I don't know about you... but just watching her sitting in the court room is enough for me. Yes, there are facts, and things that needed to be brought to light. And yes, one is innocent until proven guilty, however, you ever just get a feeling

She seems to always be smiling, when she thinks there is something going to her favor. As if she is silently saying, "I am getting away with this."

I fell so sad for the loss of this child, and I have no remote knowledge of this child.

Could you imagine the amount of venom needed to kill your own toddler?
I mean, not that this is right, but you could have just abandoned her... or told CPS you couldn't handle it.
Didn't Casey Anthony's mother, want to adopt the child? 

You couldn't take care of her, so no one else could???
I hope this woman gets what she deserves.

I really do.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Music Mondays - Rihanna "Man Down" vs. Janet Jackson "What About That"

Rihanna - "Man Down"




Janet Jackson - "What about That?"



Okay there has been a lot of controversy about the first song.
MAN DOWN... depicts a woman gunning down her rapist.
The media says, basically, HOW DARE RIHANNA TELL RAPED WOMEN TO TAKE MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN HANDS. This song is a travesty... yada yada yada.

I want to make note that 10 years ago (Maybe longer).. Janet Jackson breached this (almost) with "What about that?" Where, she depicts an abused woman... who takes control of her abusive man. If you look at the LIVE video of this... It's practically the same thing.

Yes, Janet Jackson did not have her dancers gun the other one down... but, there was a dance beat down in their somewhere.. an empowerment of a woman taking control of her abuser.

So really... when you break it down... what's the difference?

I really don't think that Rihanna was telling women, "GO GET THAT MAN WHO HURT YOU AND KILL HIM." I think that her song writers and her wanted to depict a song showing that you do not need to stay beaten... you do not need to submitt to being hurt or overpowered by an abuser. That you can make it through, you can make yourself stronger.

I think it's more of analogy than anything else.

And, I don't see anything wrong with that.


So, please enjoy both videos.. Let me know what you think about them.

Also, share this post with someone... a woman, a man... someone you love, that you feel may need a little empowering today.

------------------------------------------------



My father's day was a little rough. to say the least.... I had regret moments, and, I have a broken fanily moments... But, by the end of the day realized that my son is loved... by so many people... And, that my happiness is reflected in him... whether we have a "normal" family dynamic or not... Love is the most important thing.


And, eventually.... someday... Emry will see a loving mother.... a loving father... and know who the latter of those roles really apply to.

Happy Monday Everyone!




Friday, June 17, 2011

OK. I can't wait - RANTING ABOUT SOCIETY PEOPLE!

LOTS OF CURSING IN THIS.. BEWARE!!!


I am starting to read a lot of stories recently about people being removed, or kicked off planes, trains, busses...
* For profanity
* Baggy Pants
* Loud Cellphone speech
* Watching loud movies on their mobile device (IE: Smartphone or laptop)

Honestly,

WHAT THE FUCK?!

When did this become something people enforced?
And when on earth was this added into by-laws, that you can tell someone

HOW TO DRESS
HOW TO SPEAK
WHAT VOLUME TO LISTEN TO THINGS


Yes, common courtesy does come into play.
Yes, if you are on a 16 hour train ride, you may want to keep your conversation down.
Yes, if I see your ass, because your pants are on the ground, I do think it's gross.

But, since when does the american public, think they have the right, THE LEGAL FUCKING RIGHT, to cause these types of problems.

People are too involved now a days.
It is not everybodies  business to tell everyone how THEY feel.

You know what.
This is all the media's fault, and our rapidly advancing technology. . . . .


The only way I pipe up in public... TO A COMPLETE STRANGER.. is if they are doing something DANGEROUS.. way too close to my kid.

Does this make me a hypocrite?
Kind of.
COMPLETELY ACTUALLY.

But honestly, it's got to be AMAZINGLY VULGAR LANGUAGE or DANGEROUS ACTIVITIES close to my kid.

Otherwise... do you... I don't give a shit. You are the one making yourself look like a moron.

Not any of MY business.

And, if you are going to approach someone, who you think is doing something wrong... in public.... Do not approach them with an attitude... BECAUSE YOU WILL GET AN ATTITUDE BACK!

DUH?!

And, if you still get an attitude, when you approach someone in a polite way... Then you choose where it goes. Me, my perspective... let them be assholes.

Usually in these cases I turn to my son, and I say (LOUDLY):

You see that person there... you see how they're acting... You NEVER act like that... Their mommy didn't teach them right.


And then I wait for a response.
It never comes.
Because, everyone's mother did teach them one thing...
IN PUBLIC YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A FOOL.

I'm done ranting.
Our society sickens me sometimes.

I'm ashamed

I am ashamed of this week.
My posts have been self indulgent and brief.
And I have not been doing anyone a justice...

I've been sick, and overloaded at work.. but that isn't an excuse.

So, Monday.... With my blog's new direction, I intend on turning over a new leaf.
A being a better blog author for you!

Aren't you so excited.
And, I hope to be able to take 3 consecutive breaths without coughing.


Here's to hoping.
Have a good weekend

Thursday, June 16, 2011

12 hours of sleep

Yesterday, instead of a 2nd post of Emry's very cute graduation pictures...
I slept.
FOR 12 HOURS.

Klayvn watched my son.
And, me, and my overly sick self... SLEPT.

Another busy day ahead.

Need to make time to post today.. well, a real post.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Chills

Now I have the chills.... Yay! (SARCASM)

Since I got very little feedback to yesterdays post (thank you Raven for your feedback), I won't start my new blog schedule until this coming Monday.
I would love to know anybody's opinions or ideas!

Emry's Pre-K Graduation is this afternoon, so I will post again later, with pictures! Maybe video!!!

**HUGS TO ALL**

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

COUGH COUGH SNEEZE SNEEZE and Blog's Direction (FEEDBACK NEEDED!)

UGH.


It's official.
We are getting sick.
Snotty Emry has passed along his cold to MOMMY!!!!


HOORAY


(SARCASM ALERT)


I woke up with a hack (non-productive) cough, Emry's nose is running down his chin...
So, antihistamine for both of us, and off to school and work.


I called his school to make sure he's okay.
He's super, running around with his friends, no cough, no runny nose.


ME? oh after antihistamine, and Theraflu tea.... I feel like POOP.
My chest feels all heavy, my ears are clogged... and my sinus' are filled.
But of course when I blow my nose, nothing comes out.


AHHHH.


So I had some thoughts on weekday post schedule for my blog.
Less Testimonial, more of a purpose.


I thought about what I like.
What's important to me.
And this is what I came up with....


Monday Posts - Music/Lyrics/ Music Videos - Anything that stands out
Tuesday Posts - Yahoo Articles That Intrigue/Bother Me
Wednesday Posts - Facebook Status Updates that make me laugh
Thursday Posts - Just Life Take Two Update of our comings and goings
Friday Posts - Poetry and Potpourri (meaning whatever comes to mind)


Your thoughts?
I was hoping this way, along with some heavy marketing, I could start reeling in some more readers...
(Also any thoughts how I can do that will be appreciative too.)

Monday, June 13, 2011

Monday Part Deux


This is really cute.

No????

Sorry I had to.
I needed to share the cuteness.

Anyway.
So Monday is about half over.
I have to pick up Emry after work, but then, I think we're going to do dinner, bath and bed... Well, at least that is one my agenda.
I am very tired today.
And, I may be getting sick.

You ever get that feeling in your nose, like you've been crying, but you haven't.
I'm sorry if that sounds weird, or vague. It's like a nose, wet tickle... but, if I blow my nose, nothing is produced.
Sounds like the starts of a sinus infection.
Plus, my ears are all clogged.
Super.. I just love getting sick.

**Sighs**

Anyway, Klayvn took Emry into school today. He says that he wanted to give me a little break. And, these micro-breaks, do help a great deal. I was able to take my time getting out of the house. I was able to slow down.... a little bit.... honestly, I was able to slow down, as much as I can.

Saturday, the day of my poetry attempt, was an overwhelming day.
I felt like I was drowning.
I felt lost.
After the hospital, and putting away money for bills, my ending total, was drastically less than I am used to seeing in my checking account.
I lost it.
I just got the money back from the state, and half of it is for vacation. There is no if, ands, or buts about it.
But, the rest of it, is now, going to be to bring my ending balance back up to a normal number.

Easy come, Easy go... I guess.

As rational as I sound now, I wasn't on Saturday.
I got anxious, weepy, and pissy.
I must have went up to my room and laid down at least 3 times.
Just to think, breathe, and not FREAK OUT.


The only thing keeping me above water, was the sheer amusement that Klay was going to attempt to make me dinner again.
Which, was very romantic. He got a table cloth, place mats, candles. . . and dinner was good.

He made veal and rice in a white wine cream sauce, with cheesy potatoes.
The second it was in front of me he started to doubt it.
The veal is overcooked.
The rice is crunchy
The potatoes are good but it doesn't go with the meal.

**smiles**
The veal wasn't overcooked... it was a little well-done. But, very tasty.
The rice was crunchy, but the amazing cream sauce hydrated it some how.
The potatoes didn't go. But, were sinfully delicious.

Then came dessert.
Which he did not doubt.

He made.
BY HIMSELF.

Blackberry sorbet.

And served it like Better Homes and Gardens was going to use it as cover art.

It was really tasty.

We had our evening, and somehow, it made Sunday easier.
Somehow it made today bearable as well.

It's hard being a full-time mom, and worker.
It's hard keeping all the balls in the air...all the time.

Every once in a while, I guess, we all have to fall apart.
What makes the difference, what makes you know it's okay, is how quickly you can pick up the pieces.
How quickly you can get back on track.

And, I can't say I didn't see my temporary shut down coming.
I was freaking out early last week anyway.
Over Emry's tantrum.
Over the heat.
Over everything.
So... I suppose it had to come to a head sooner or later.

I am still not at 100%, I am still feeling manic-y.
But, I'm still here at work. I still woke up and dragged my bum out of bed.
So, all in all... I count this as a productive day!

-------DIFFERENT TOPIC ALERT-------------------

I got a text message Sunday afternoon.
From one of my exes childhood friends.
Now, I knew that when Nick and I called it quits, not to really keep the numbers of his friends.
They were always his friends, and I feel much better cutting ties with people who care more about themselves than others.
Yes, you should always be your #1, but, never on top of your ability to help others.
AND NEVER USE AN INANIMATE OBJECT AS A REASON WHY YOU CAN'T HELP OTHERS.

I <3 cars.
I truly am I car girl at heart.

However, when a four-wheel piece of machinery takes more precedence over your family and friends... THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

Anyway.. So I got a text from his buddy Rich.
Who was a sweet guy, over-romantic, doesn't watch before he leaps type of guy....
Asks me out.

*shakes head*

No.
Nuh-uh.
NFW.

I didn't reply that, I just simply stated I had something good going for me, and even if I didn't, I would never date one of Nicks' friends. It would just hit too close to home.

When that doesn't work out for you. Keep me in mind.

Was the response I got.

My response: I don't anticipate things with [Klay] not working out. But, have a nice day.


Rude response? Yes.
But, my polite no thank you shouldn't have sparked his response either.

And, honestly.... I'm not in High School... and I was never one of those, I'm done with your friend so I wanna date you. I don't knock it though, I know many a girl who got together with their exes friends, and are happily married. You never know when love will find you or who it finds you with.

However, in this situation...I do not want custody, or a relationship with/of my ex-husbands friends.

I like what I have now.
I like that there are more important things in the world than a car engine...

I like being self-sufficient.
I like not trying to make sure that I'm being lied to, or being the butt of some asinine scheme.

I said EWWW really loud after that round of texting... and proceeded to wash my hands, and brush my teeth.
The idea of it made me feel dirty.


YUCK.

Seriously.

Moving on.

Well, not moving on... I have nothing else to share.
With my extra time today, I am going to map out a weekly breakdown, of how I want my posts to proceed... less first-person diary.. more purposeful.

It's my goal
What do you all think?

Monday - UGH!

I did not want to wake up today.
My body said, "Stay under the covers.. STAY PUT!"
But, my bank account and mortgage chimed in and said, "Excuse me? Get your ass moving!"
And, of course the BA and the MG beat out my body... and I lugged myself out of bed and got moving.
Sort of.
I feel like a zombie today.
Not like I am going to eat anyone's brains or anything. But I feel like I'm shuffling around aimlessly.

I am glad that my post yesterday was well received.
I haven't thought about my journey from beginning to end, in a long time.
I take blame for the mistakes I made, and can point out (now, at least) where exactly things went wrong, and I can also now see where the red flags were.

Everything in my past has lead me to this point. I can't regret any of it. Your scars, bumps, bruises, happy and sad times, make you who you are.

And, I think I'm pretty great. (I'm modest... I swear!)

There wasn't much work waiting for me when I got in today. Which is a relief since I missed Friday... Friday is usually my busiest day at work. It's all most like I am earning my weekend!

I have some filing to do, some correspondence... and then at 1120a my boss will be out of the office until  tomorrow morning. Small Blessings.

So, expect another monday post.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Inspired...

I had the pleasure of going through someone's blog today.
A very old soul... 

Very intense words...

Made me think.

Of where I came from... How this all started... 

KVS - is a pseudo-name. It's what I hide behind via the internet.

My name is Jillian.
I am 26 years old.
I grew up in suburban Upstate New York.
I have an older sister.
A mother (by name) and a father

I pretty much had a normal cookie cutter childhood up until I was about 11 years old.
That's when it all started to suck. It's where everything changed.

My mother was in a horrible car accident, and from it... discovered she had MS.
MS does a lot of awful things to a body... but, it also brings out underlying symptoms, and psychosis, that a cunning person could hide. 
My mother did a 360, and turned into the woman I avoid to this very day.
She's psychotic, a cruel, and overall... I label her as a narcissistic sociopath.
She began psychologically, mentally, emotionally and physically abusing my sister and I.
We were never good enough.
We were never pretty enough.
We were never smart enough.
We were liars
We were cheaters
We were abusive

Of wait, I forgot, all of her fears and attributes, were placed on us.

My sister went to college before I did.... She left me alone.... Not her fault. She got out.
I can't blame her.

I had about 3 years... 
At the age of 17... after a major blow out... and abusive attack from my mother, I moved out.
I became an adult at the age of 17.
I worked full-time, and still stayed in school. I achieved the same grades I had been, and I graduated 10th in my class.
I went to pharmacy school.
I wanted to make something of myself.
AT ALL COSTS.

Moving out at 17, was hard. 
I was never allowed to have a life when I lived with my mother.
(Notice how I never mentioned my dad once in this, my father worked so that we could live a life that my mother had grown accustomed, at all costs. He even moved to Philadelphia so that she could maintain this lifestyle. But moving on...)
I didn't have many friends, and the friends I did have... were not the best. 
But, the loners liked me, they didn't care about all the little things. 
They were slightly broken, just like the way I felt about myself.

I went nuts. It's true, I did a lot of things I shouldn't have the summer that I graduated high school. I hung out with people twice my age. It didn't matter. I felt so liberated. I didn't see what was coming.
Pharmacy school didn't work out, because I didn't let it. I was so free, and had friends... not real friends, but the wolves always hide in sheeps clothing... I dropped out. I couldn't keep it going.
I was with a man.. who was 10 years my senior. I didn't notice the control he had gained over me... Why he was okay with me throwing away everything I had worked for.

He got me alone. Isolated. I dropped out of college, and I didn't think any of my family would get it. That's what he told me, the boyfriend, his name was Keith. The more and more isolated he got me... the more and more he started to abuse me. The more and more he pushed drugs on me.

Until one day... I had a habit. A bad one... and I couldn't see my natural skin tone, beneath the burns, cuts and bruises. I began to hurt myself, because it was the only way I felt something. I couldn't find my way out. I couldn't see me when I looked in the mirror anymore.... I was gone. I was just a shell.

Enter Nick.
He was so sweet. 
He seemed so different.
I met my ex-husband, when Keith was spending an extended time in a lap dance.
Nick was bouncing...
He told me I didn't need that.

But, Keith came out.. we went home... I thought I never see Nick again.
Until, I needed a new cell phone, and there selling me one, was Nick.
I really thought it was a sign.
We became friends, silently... if Keith ever knew, it would have been done... I would have been bad.
Nick started to see the cuts, the bruises... Nick took me out.
Nick grabbed my shit out of Keiths crummy apartment.. and took me away.
Whether we'd be together or not.
Which, we did... I fell in love with my savior... I hear it happens a lot in these situations.

We got married after 8 months.
Nick told me of all the things we would do.
How he would give me everything I needed... 
We would have the dream.

That was short lived.
With in two years, Nick lost interest in me, and wandered.
REALLY WANDERED.
The only way I knew to cope, was to start hurting myself again. To start my habit again.
I got lost... again.
I didn't have the proper coping skills.
I didn't know how to get through without it.
That was wrong, I see that now.. I should have asked for help.
To someone.
To ANYONE.
Nick didn't care. I left him alone this way. He was free to be what he wanted to be.

Enter Pregnancy.
Everything changed.
I stopped.
FOR ME.
I stopped for the life growing in me.
I vowed to be different.
I vowed to give everything to this child.
Nick didn't
Nick vowed to find a way to scheme so that the baby wouldn't interfere with the material possessions he took more stock in then the love of a family. And, the women, who would see the charm and appeal ... not the liar, cheater, and scumbag he really was. 

Emry was born, and I knew I'd be okay.
I began to drive myself forward.
I began to make myself who I needed to be. For my son.

I found me.
I love me.
I am comfortable with who I am as a person.
I weird.
I am quirky.
I am a bitch. 

But, I'm strong.
I'm smart.
I am capable.

I haven't made all the right decisions.
Quite the opposite.
I made all the wrong ones.
But, not anymore.
I do what's right.
I do what I have to do.
And I am proud of everything I have achieved.


And, I started out, as an introverted teenager. Begging to be heard. Begging to be loved by a mother, who was only capable over loving herself.

You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

I am tattooed.
I am pierced
I am beautiful.


That's my story, a synopsis of my life.


Be you.
Be strong.

Bide your time, until your moment comes.
Make the proper moves, so that you can do it.
Because no one is going to give it to you.



*nods*

I'm good.
That feels good....
hope it reads well... because I am not proofreading any of this.

Love to all.

Happy Sunday People!