People Just as Crazy as Me

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Obsessing... still feeling cruddy

You ever notice, when you are having an exceptional bad day... it always seems to get worse.

This is the day I should have stayed in bed, with the covers pulled over my head.

Through my manic-panic-attack-funk-don't know what's wrong with me-day.... I received a phone call at work, an automated message, from a credit collector.
I made a point to clear all debt a LONG time ago.... so this sent my heart in to overdrive:
  1. because this phone call was at work, and god forbid my boss saw it. being solicited at work must mean I owed the big bucks
  2. the feeling that I paid something to a phony bologna credit union, and a bill had accumulated over the process of years and years.
  3. because I am having an awful day, and I went in to overreaction-mode.
So, I wrote down the provided number, and called these people, after my boss went to lunch.


I informed the person, that they were calling an office, not a home...
And he came back with.. Isn't this XXXXX and XXXXX OWEALOTOFMONEY's home?
Now what's funny... is the people he mentioned, work, for my company.
I know them.
They listed this number as a billing phone number... SICK RIGHT?

So, what did I do...
Oh, I'm bad...
And I know I am.... but my overreaction-mode quickly switched to anger for those moron's giving me a panic attack..... I forwarded this guy, to their desk.
Let my boss here the amount of misconduct of a work phone being used.

But, I digress...

I have emailed with my sister back and forth today.
My dad.
Even my talking with my friends here at work, has gotten easier.

But, I still can't seem to reply to Klay's email.
I can't think of a response.
Even though, "K. sounds good." would be sufficient... I just can't make myself write it and hit send.

So... my subconscious is telling me that I need some space from Klay today.
I just wish I knew why.

I told you right in the title.

It's making me more nauseous.
Glass of wine, and bed tonight.
Maybe watch a movie in bed with Emry, until we both knock out.

56 minutes until it's time to go.
Could be worse.

Something Broke...

Okay.. so the end of our vacation was that we woke up and went home.

But, as of Monday night... something broke.

By broke, I mean, I broke...
I'm not feeling very normal...
I'm very tired (NOT PREGNANT)
and very apathetic (NOT PREGNANT.. believe me I checked 4 times)

I'm feeling disconnected from everything...
(except Emry, it's impossible to disconnect from the child you love)

my dad
my sister
my aunt
my friends
my fb friends (aka: acquaintances I really have lost touch with)

everyone seems far away.

Maybe I just have the blues from vacation being over.
Maybe I OD'd too much on relaxing...

Maybe after all the fun was over, life just seems a little boring.

I just have been telling everyone that I am tired...
I don't want people to give me attention, because of my pseudo-depression.
You know what I mean?

And, I wasn't really going to blog about it... because well... I feel weird about this overall apathetic feeling.

But, I just got an email from Klay.
A general message... that I could respond my normal witty self...

I tried to... and then deleted it.

"What's the point?" <---- was all that I heard in my head.

I feel broken.
And I can't find a way to pick myself up.

I just want to sleep.
Isn't that sad...

Needed to vent.
This feeling is just getting too deep....

Vacation Day #2 Recap - Water, Water, Haunted House?

Since Emry went to bed so late (remember? 10:30p.m.).. he slept in.....
ACTUALLY SLEPT IN! Until around 9:30 a.m.

However, I woke up at 6am, my internal work clock wouldn't shut off.
I left Klay and Emry in their beds, took my camera, and sat out on the communal porch.
The lake was beautiful in the morning, with fog lifting off the water, and hazing over the evergreen hills in the distance. In the middle of the lake there was this cute little tree covered island. You could barely make out a cabin on it. It had a little dock, and a small speed boat. Could you imagine living on your own small, isolated island? but still within a mile from dry land and civilization? Sounds so ideal.

I daydreamed about what life would be like, if I were to live in the secluded cabin...and as I drifted off into that daydream....**QUACK**
Yeah, that's right, I said QQQUUACKKK.

I looked down at my feet and there was the tiniest duck you have ever seen.
Not quite a duckling... but, a very young adult duck.
He was 2 inches from my feet, and was looking up at me as if to say, "You got some food?"
I guess being in a tourist area, the ducks have been domesticated... he let me touch him, and he sat by me until someone else came out of their room...Then I was abandoned.

I took his picture... He was unbelievably cute.

When the boys of the room woke up, we had a quick breakfast, and went down to the tiny..... need a microscope to see it.... beach.
I got oil on my legs and sunscreen on my arms, in an attempt to even out my body tone.
(For the record, my legs will not tan.... I have to force them.... so this was a job)
Emry played with his beach toys, tried to build his equivalent of a sand castle, and followed fish in the shallow area of the lake.

Klay bitched how hot it was... he's a fall/winter person... The sun is too much for him. But, he stayed out with us, and I tried to make sure his Irish skin was protected from the 90 degree sun.

From the beach we dried off, removed the sand from our legs.... and in Emry's case his entire body, and went to the water park.
Free parking with semi-cheaper rates than the amusement park up the road... We spent the afternoon sliding down anything Emry was allowed to go on... The park provided a life jacket...... since no one is allowed to double ride.... Which was cool, Emry is too big for me to take him down a slide.

We all LOVED <3 <3 <3 <3....... The lazy river.

We taught him to the the backstroke in one of the pools, and Emry has decided that the WAVE POOL is not his favorite... Regardless of how much I loved it.

They had a themed kid section, with a pirate ship, and a kids slide, and that's where we ended our day.

We drove back to our dismal room, showered, and went out to be tourists.
Personal pizza's and shopping.

We got old time pictures........ The gentleman were cowboys and I was a saloon girl.
The picture came out classic. And we all had a real good time.

We wanted to go to the Haunted House, but it was still too early in the afternoon.
So we went back to the room, mellowed out to some Toy Story... let Emry finish off his personal pizza, and set back out... for the adults to eat, the kid to get Ben & Jerry's and for all of us to enjoy the Haunted House.

Klay and I had a disagreement about our beliefs over dinner... Not an argument.... but a healthy debate.
He generally doesn't believe in anything, unless there is physical proof of it.
And somethings, I believe in, because my heart/soul tells me it's there.
I'm not religious... I believe in something... I believe in being a good person...
I want to believe in a heaven, even though I know it's probably not there....
Overall...... I believe in energy.
He....... kind of doesn't.

But out of it, he apologized, for hurting my feelings, since the way he portrayed his opinion (in his mind).... put me down.
It didn't... If I don't agree, it doesn't hurt me, but I will have a rebuttal.
It's just how I am.
And honestly, if you told me you believed in purple elephants... and they brought you strength and peace within you... who am I to judge?
I never put someone down or say their belief system is wrong.
We all are trying to cope in someway to make it through this life.

The Haunted House was cheesy, but it still got screams out of all of us (I know Klay got startled.)

To bed............. around 10:45pm.. Still Emry wasn't overly cranky.

Once again Klay and I tried to have a wine on the communal porch night... which was disturbed by 40 somethings acting like 18 year olds....

But, all in all..... a good day.

Has anyone had disagreements or arguments on vacation?
Is it a societal thing to have conflict?

Any one else experience the problem I have with legs that refuse to tan unless you pull a gun on them?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

#101 - Our Monkey Life's Recent Post and Vacation Day #1 Recap

PART 1: OUR MONKEY LIFE - It's Just Not The Same
Above is a post written by one of the few blogs I follow religiously...
I enjoy her writing style, and completely empathize (as well sympathize) with her views on life.
In this post she wrote about how TV shows from when we were kids... and the shows for our children today... just aren't the same.

I understand that today's children, grow up in a very real world, and that not many things are hidden from them.
And let me say this, I am all for being honest to my son, and not candy coating things...But, children should be CHILDREN for as long as possible.

In the TV shows of my childhood, there wasn't such an intense "romance" scene, as there is now.
There was a matter of fact, "she's cute, I like her" scene. None of this intense relationship crap. When did this happen? When did it become okay to over-sexualize (sorry it's the best way to describe it) our children?

When did it become okay for pre-teens and grade school girls to wear these booty shorts and mini skirts and dress...Once again I'm sorry... like little sluts.

Baffles the mind.

When did it become okay for boys to know what KILLING meant.... and what kind of assault rifle will do it best?
When did it become okay for young boys to use their fists instead of their words.
I recently read an article about a group of 6 year old boys (in a suburban middle class neighborhood) who chased and beat a 4 year old boy for .... wait for it....... NOT SHARING A TOY....
Not kidding.


When I was a kid, our shows may have been candy coated, and shadowed in a way that we were naive... but it was for our parents to teach us what was what in the world... at APPROPRIATE TIMES.
If girls see tv stars this way... they are going to want to be that way
If boys see tv starts being thugs and retarded... they are going to want to be that way as well...

And, another point made in the above linked article, is that the television shows from our childhoods have been deemed inappropriate.


There's my ranting on that?
Anyone else have a view on this????
Please comment here and on Our Monkey Life (link above)
<<<<OH and Join her blog... it's completely worth it >>>>>>>

Part 2: Vacation Day #1 RECAP

Day 1 of our vacation was a little hectic.
We had to pack up the last minute things... and get gas... get breakfast...
Then we got on the road about 45 minutes late.
NO BIGGIE IT'S VACATION, I thought to myself.
Then my GPS announced it was going to take us 4.5 hours to get to our destination.
I blinked at the GPS, confused, the plan was to go hiking right outside of Lake George....
(which is only 2.5/3 hours away)
So, I pulled over, and looked at the map .... and noticed.... that the chasm we were going to... was ... in fact an hour and a half further than Lake George.
I gasped... THAT WAS INSANE.
I grabbed for the information that I got from the website
Within driving distance from Lake George

So we did it.
Drove.... All that way...
Emry was great in the car. He sang a little... asked questions about the trees and the roadwork.. the road... the exits.... oh heck.. He talked for 90% of the time.

We get there, and it's beautiful.
Absolutely gorgeous....
Rapids, and waterfalls, and beautiful rock formations.

We took a 2 mile hike through this chasm....
Did it in about an hour...
There were signs describing how these things were formed, and great places to take pictures.
Chipmunks got up really close, which Emry just loved!!!!

It was over 95 degrees in the shade, so it was a little uncomfortable... but we had water and sunscreen.
Had a great time, at the end of the hike, their is a travel bus that takes you back to the welcome center.
(which was a blessing, it was really hot.)

We had horrible food at the Welcome center cafe... and then drove the hour or so back to Lake George.

****Suspenseful Music Interlude****

To discover that our hotel... was....... ABSOLUTELY NOT what I had booked. and I were lied to.... This hotel was not like website.

There was no Continental breakfast (it was stale hot buns and 2 year old coffee)
No private balcony off the room (it was a communal patio)
The fridge in the room BARELY WORKED
The room smelled of cleaning supplies and chlorine... the air conditioner did nothing to help that...because it filtered through a wall... and not to the outside.
Private beach was maybe 15 feet it was more of a walkway.....

So deceived.
So upset.
Manager at the hotel basically told me "tough shit".

We didn't spend much time in the room.
We went directly to their pool (which was small... but clean).
Klay taught Emry to doggie paddle...
It was cute, and actually kind of fun.

From there we showered and went to dinner, at a place called the Moose Tooth.
(Which is you've ever been to a Rain forest Cafe, is eerily similar)

Then to the arcade, where Emry spent $20 and got roughly 530 tickets... which one him 2 cool prizes.
Then as we were leaving to go to bed (roughly 10pm), fireworks started.
Emry loved them.
Wasn't scared at all.
It was great.

(unbearably hot, but great)


Once he was asleep, Klay and I cracked the hotel room door, grabbed our bottle of wine, and sat on the communal patio... watching the lake in the dark.
We talked for a while... and then went to bed....

All in all our first day was hectic, and hot... but so much fun.

Things don't always go as planned.
But, you make the best of it.

Have any of you been disappointed with a hotel?
Have any of you been lied to by vacation planners or websites only to discover the lie upon your arrival?

Am I just picky? (I know I am....but shhhhh rhetorical!!!!)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Don't Worry.. I AM ALIVE - OH BTW: Happy 100th Post!

I know you are all scared and sad that I haven't posted in a week...
But, don't fret... I am alive and well.

I took a vacation from everything.
And it was so nice.
This week will be spent catching you up on our "Just Life: Take Two" comings and goings... and the weekly posts will begin again this coming Monday.

Happy 100th Post!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Friday Potpourri Third Post - OBSURD. But Hysterical

Austrian Niko Alm fought for three years before he was able to take his driver's license photo. Austrian authorities had issues with Alm's preferred headgear: a pasta strainer.
Trending Now
But this week he finally was able to take the picture how he wanted, thanks to Austria's religious freedom laws. Alm is a self-described member of "the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster," which is spiking off the charts in Yahoo! Search. The satirical religion, also known as "pastafarianism," rejects creationism and says that an invisible flying spaghetti monster created the universe. The spaghetti church, which is headed by a "pastafarian primavera," was founded in 2005 when Kansas schools were under pressure to teach the theory of intelligent design rather than evolution. On his blog, Alm wrote, "Today I was able to get my new driving license, and in it you can clearly see that I'm wearing a colander on my head to demonstrate my allegiance to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster." It took three years for Alm to be able to take the photo, because he had to prove that he was psychologically fit to drive.

Found this online.

So funny.

Potpourri Friday - Second Post - Poetry

Here it comes
The wind brings it near
I have that air...
Can you see it my dear?

I woke up this morning
There you lay
Getting this kid ready
For you it's like a regular day.

For me this is new
The support, the attention
You say its done out of love
I am thankful for the lack of tension

A solid unit
Slowly and surely we progress.
Learning eachother
Nothing we can't address.

It's a good day
Now that I can trust
In someone, it's been rather rough
With a heart I could never entrust


awwwwwwwwwww.............kind of gushy.


Maybe I should watch a sad movie... lik Old Yeller...
Then I could write a tortured artist poem.

But, until then.

You got girly poetry.


*** 5 hrs and 9 minutes until my vacation starts ***

Friday Potluck Post

I got to admit that yesterdays post was EVEN worse after I re-read it today.


But, that's how I felt yesterday.

When I got to Emry's school to pick him up... it nose dived into upset and nervous.

I have spoken about how accident prone Emry is. But, I don't think that I have mentioned how much he PICKS at those injuries, how a simple scrape turns into a deep gauge... And how bandaids just seem to MAGICALLY FALL OFF....

His school does daily health checks in which the teacher does a visual catalog of Emry to see if there are any injuries.
The reasoning for this:
  • To make sure that any injuries they notice in the day came from home and not from the school.
  • To make sure that the children aren't being abused.
  • etc. etc. etc
I understand that, and it's cool with me.
I keep Emry's worst picked at injuries bandaged...

So, when I got there yesterday his teacher approached me, and asked me what was going on with Emry. Why is boo-boo's weren't healing. Where did they come from... Basically grilling me.

I gave her a stern look, I couldn't believe the line of questioning, when I repeatedly write on his daily report if there is an injury and where it came from... so that they know to keep it bandaged.
She was trying to make sure that Emry was doing this... and it wasn't happening at me....

I got very up in arms about this.
She told me that "THEY WERE CONCERNED" about his injuries and the care and prevention being taken with them.

She asked me how I care for these cuts and bruises daily.


I was also asked to provide a letter stating his injuries, approximate dates of injuries, and cause of injury.

I complied.
I have nothing to hide.
Emry is a rough and tumble kid, gets hurt, keeps on going.

However, I feel nervous.
I hate when busy bodies poke their noses where they don't belong.

I have a friend who's son is just the same as Emry... and her pediatrician didn't ask her these questions, and just called CPS.

Took her a year to prove that her son was an accident magnet and she was not abusing him.

I cannot deal with that.
I couldn't deal with the fear of someone trying to take Emry away.

I'm obsessing.
Yes, I know I am.

But, this is a big deal to me.

So, the letter I wrote them, that cataloged the injuries, also stated my daily regimen of cleaning and anti-biotic ointment.

Stated that I have repeatedly talked to Emry about not picking at these, because it makes them worse.

yada yada.

And, that I would provide a weekly log of the progress of healing of these.

And honestly, he is with them more then me (much to my dismay)... so, if the bandaids are falling off, and he's picking at the cuts, it's with one of them watching.
Shouldn't they take some responsibility for it?

I hated the tone of her voice, and the way she watched me as I answered her.

I hope my letter to his school was sufficient, and I warned Emry not to touch his boo-boo's.. I told him it was because Mama Got In Trouble For Him Picking At Them.

In which he replied, "Oh mama, I won't pick at them anymore. I sorry. Did you get grounded?"


He's so funny.

But what's weird about all of this.

The scrapes on his face from falling, are almost healed.
The allergic reaction blemishes that he picked at, almost healed.
Elbow scrapes that were picked at, almost healed.

It's really just his knee (scrape that he keeps picking at) and his ankle (shoe bite from new shoes... THE WORST... I have padded the area with gauze and band aids... but you know, some shoes are just tougher to break in then others.)

Overall... he really doesn't look like he's been in a prize fight...
Last week, I would have understood this line of questioning (still hated it) because he looked like he was used in a dog fight... as the bate....

*rolls eyes*

I love my son.
I do everything for my son.
I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt my son.

I understand in today's day and age child abuse is at a high... BUT NOT IN MY HOUSE... If anything there is parental abuse going on! *just kidding*

Anybody have an opinion on this?
Should I just wrap Emry in Bubble Wrap before he goes to school every morning?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Thursday ReCap: bleck

My boss came back from her vacation yesterday, so my usual rant post had to be delayed, because, well... I was working.

I know! Isn't it scandalous?

Since my "vacation" techinically starts the second I leave work tomorrow... at 4:00p.m., time seems to have stopped completely.

I mean, even as I type, I am watching the clock go backwards.
I knew it was going to be like this.
But, I just didn't know how painful it would be.

So, what do I recap? What do I talk about?

My week has been.... GRAY.... you know... not spectacular, but, not awful.
Not filled with so much stress, or really not much delight.
My body is just numb, and storing energy for my vacation.. in which I intend to be BLISSFUL.

I have a countdown clock on my work computer.
I remind Klay twice a day....about vacation...

But, secretly, I worry.....
About going up to the lake....with Klay....

We haven't been together long, but recently... things have felt very serious.
I know I have referenced this before...
But, the last time I spent a weekend in Lake George.... I got engaged... Yeah, to the ex-husband....
I just... I don't know... I worry if he tries to be spontaneous... even though we're not ready.... you know what I mean... Men have a habit of being SPONTANEOUS even at the off times....
How would I deal with that?

I guess...... I don't know.... I know the likeliness of that fear happening is.... dismal.
But, could you imagine???
Oh boy....
Moving on... this topic is making me nauseous.

I really haven't much to say today.
And this post is starting to feel pointless... and uninspired...

You're all probably reading this going... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!

Maybe I should tell a joke....

Penguin walks into a bar....*drum roll and cymbal crash*

Funny? No?

I know. **defeated pout**

I just don't have it today...

Could be used as toilet paper
Kick it to the curb POST


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

.... Baby... Another one? ME? NEVER!

Okay, around my office, there are people just HAVING/GOING TO HAVE babies.
And, I think that's great, if you want multiple children, GOOD FOR YOU.

But, the same question is always posed to me, "What about you? Don't you want another one?"

My answer is always the same, "Absolutely not. I never want to HAVE another child again."

I have a list of reasons for this:
  • my epidural that never came while in labor with Emry. I HAD TO FEEL EVERYTHING, and it sucked butt. Giving birth, was awful....
  • diapers... I hated changing diapers... and now that he is potty trained, I never want to endure the trial of diapers to potty training again.
  • toddler tantrums into young child tantrums... I don't need to tell you how much those weighed/weigh on me... he's a good kid, but it takes all my energy to deal with a tantrum the correct way, and not scream back.
  • Working and a new baby: knowing that I would have to go back to work before I was ready to... because maternity leave is like 2 seconds long.
  • BABY BAG ESSENTIALS. I hated the first year of making sure everything in that damn baby bag was stocked, and the looks from other new mothers when I left the house without a baby bag. THE HORROR!

Now, this is not to say that I wouldn't FOSTER or ADOPT a child... you know a 6 or 7 year old kid.
Yeah, that comes with it's own baggage, but, none of the BABY BAGGAGE....

Now it's not that I don't like babies, I love babies, I think they are cute, and smell nice, and all that jazz.... I just don't want to go through actually having one, and then the upkeep....

Just wasn't for me.

And, we all know that I love my monster....
But, having another one... Not for me... at least not now...

Facebook Wednesdays---- Bleh.Not today.

I just don't feel like opening my facebook today.I keep reading about the fun fun fun summers of my acquaintances (they can't be considered friends anymore, we don't see eachother ever... even though we live within 20minutes of eachother) are having.

Do I remember life without Emry?
Do I remember being able to work... then party... then work... then crash?
Do I miss it?
Yeah... sometimes...
Does it mean I want to change my life?
Not at all.

The thing is, my "friends" used to be, "Bring him along! We're only going to dinner..."
But, dinner is at 9p on a Wednesday, and not possibility for me to go to.
I even once said that I would love to go, but could they maybe make dinner a little earlier, since I had Emry?
"Oh we couldn't do that, we want to go from dinner to the bar and it doesn't make sense to do an early dinner, because who wants to start drinking before 11p?"
That's when I stopped answering texts or invites from that group of friends.

I realized (and have mentioned it before), that people without children, really don't understand the lives of people with children. And, rightfully so... the only thing I expected (from people who I considered friends at that point) was a little consideration.

I starting feeling like an after thought to them, like a pity invite.
Because honestly, if I ever said it was too late, yada yada yada parental limitations.... I never got a "Oh that's horrible... maybe we could do something. I miss you. Maybe we could hang out, and let Emry run at the park.. yada yada be a real friend."

What I always got was, "well ttyl" or "you can't just get your dad to watch him?" or "that's always your excuse."

And in my head, after each of those responses I thought, "FUCK YOU."

How inconsiderate can you be?
Do you honor your responsibilities?
Jeez, I hate comparing it to this, but being a parent is WORK, it's like having a second, third and fourth JOB.... It never ends, and it comes with so many additional responsibilities....
Would they bail on work to go party?
Well, maybe they would. .... Whatever. It must be nice having no motivation and just working for a paycheck to drink away.

Am I a little jealous of this lifestyle that I don't have?
What I am jealous of, is people who don't have ANYTHING to worry about.
No bills, everything still covered by their parents..... at the ages of 26 - 30.
Just doesn't seem fair, I have been paying my way and working since the age of 17.

I am envious of it.
I got to admit... I envy it.
I don't know why.
My life isn't horrible.
I have great family, real friends (who get my situation and don't judge me for not being readily available)... a "big girl" job, Klay... and an amazing child.
But, in the back of my head... One day... just to be me.... with none of the proverbial balls floating above my head.... would be nice.

I don't think I could do it though.
Forget about my life.
Forget about my responsibilities.
Just not in my nature.

So I guess I'm at a stalemate here.

But, definitley not going on Facebook today... While I sit at my desk, in this beige office... with the beige furniture and the beige manilla folders.... Just wouldn't be a good thing.

Oh praying for Friday, if you can't tell.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tuesday Second Post - Parenting Style Debate

This goes to show, that sometimes your values aren't the same as your friends.

Let me tell you the back end of this:

Yesterday, Mrs. Joy (the new teacher, since Emry's school is now in camp mode - who neither Emry or I like), tells me that Emry isn't as "conversational" as he should be at his age. (which we all know isn't true, I tell y'all enough how much he talks) And that he never talks to her, and she believes that it could be the beginning of him being "educational stunted"

IE: not ready for Kindergarten.

(EVEN THOUGH he already was evaluated by Ms. Andrea and she said he was fine)
I present this to Emry, and ask him why he doesn't talk to Mrs. Joy, and first he asks me if he is going to get in trouble... I tell him no.
He tells me that he doesn't like her and "she doesn't need to know" when I said that maybe he should try talking to her.

Yes, I know, he doesn't have to like everybody.... but, when it's a teacher, you need to be at least NICE and RESPONSIVE.

Because in the end, they determine how you excel through school...


I'm telling my friend at work about this; we're close, talk all the time, hang out occasionally.

And she is out rightly telling me, that Emry does NOT need to talk with her or even be NICE to her.

And that her personal problem shouldn't be put on Emry.
(I agree there, but it's how you deal with it.)
That if he was her son, she'd be telling her that he just doesn't like her and maybe she needs to change the way she talks to him.
And that I am teaching Emry a bad lesson here, that he needs to hide how he feels and just be what others want him to be.
And other shit like that.

I'm sorry.
I had a mother who fought the system at every turn.
I was taught to speak out in school when I felt a teacher was discriminating against me.
ACTUALLY I got labeled as "that kid" and "that's the one whose mother is..."
I graduated 10th in my class, because I fought to be there, my grades were better than 10th though... just so you know.
I was almost NOT on Honor's Society, because the administrator HATED my mother, regardless of the fact my grades were good enough.

That is NOT what will happen to my son.
You may not like people, teachers, or administrators...
But, at school, you smile and be damn polite, and then when the chips come down... they can't say that you weren't helpful, or cordial or cooperative:
BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN, and documentation will show that, and they will be wrong.
Let stupid people throw themselves under the bus.

I can't believe she told me that I was teaching my son a bad precedent.
Okay, not the same parenting skills as your own.
But, honestly, you weren't raised the way I was.
So there will be a differentiation.

I held my ground, told her I saw where she was coming from, but I didn't agree.
He has to use his words.
Give that stupid broad over at the school at least one sentence a day, just to show that he is CONVERSATIONAL.
So that when we leave, there isn't any mark on his file, that says that he is EDUCATIONALLY STUNTED or showing a LEARNING DISABILITY.

Jesus, could you imagine? After all the work we all have gone through to get Emry into Kindergarten, to be swept away because he didn't LIKE the teacher.


But, now, my friend is being a little fake with me.
We ended the debate.
But you can still see that she is on her horse about it.

You can have your opinion, doesn't make me any less your friend, but it's not the way I choose to raise my kid.
Your kids turned out fine the way you raised them.
Who says mine won't either.

Drop it.
We peoples.
Don't be angry because I wouldn't say you were right.

Venting over.

But, does this happen to anybody else?

Do you and your friends (with or without children) ever have the arguement that their parenting style is better than yours?

Or that the way you want to direct your child is wrong?

Or just a friend, who will NOT back down on their opinion, and ALWAYS has to be right?

Does anyone not see where I am coming from here?

Please, whether you are with me on this one or not... let me know how you feel.... feedback is very important... Maybe I'm just not seeing something here...

Yahoo Tuesday - Back on a Tuesday - Wow. Tire Swing Drama!

It's a Tire Swing For CHRISTS SAKE!

Ok. So I read this article and was like are we kidding?

Yes I understand there were "injuries".
But, did these injuries occur, because people weren't watching their children?
Because children get pretty rowdy on a play ground.

What's next?
I wasn't watching my kid, and they went face first down the slide and landed on his/her head....NO MORE SLIDES ON THE PARK! 

Sooner or later, with this logic, a child's playground will be a flat, padded area, of astroturph... because you can't have grass in a playground, you know, children have grass allergies.

(IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: In case you can't catch it, there is a shit load of SARCASM going on in this post)

It comes down to this.
And if I offend anyone, I apologize.


I don't mean like every second, I mean you have to pee eventually.... and kids should be allowed just to hang with their friends without the Eye in the Sky Mother watching...

But, if you GO with your kid to the park... KEEP AN EYE ON THEM.
If they start getting wild, or out of line, in which their behavior could hurt them (or another child): SAY SOMETHING.

Oh, if you notice another child (not your own) acting out... still reprimand that child too... No reason for your kid to get hurt because some other little monster (my favorite word for my son) is acting crazy (because he is overwhelmed by the coolness of the playground). If their parent has a problem, too bad, you're looking out for the safety of their child, that's how you present it, and then there should be no problem.

Stupid Tire Swing Drama.

I am SO glad they're putting it back.... It was stupid to take it away.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Extra Monday Post

In T- Minus: 2 months 3 weeks and 2 days... OCTOBER 4, 2011....... THE NEW EVANESCENCE ALBUM WILL BE RELEASED. IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.


If you can't tell.

Music Mania Mondays - The Script - For the First Time

I personally really like this song.
The lyrics are very clear, and the message just kind of carries through, no matter what your situation.

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart, While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar, And we don't know how, How we got in to this mad situation, Only doing things out frustration, Trying to make it work but man these times are hard. 
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time, I've got a new job now on the unemployment line, And we don't know how, How we got into this mess is it gods test, Someone help us cause we're doing our best, Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
 But we're gonna start by, Drinking old cheap bottles of wine, Shit talking up all night, Saying things we haven't for a while, We're smiling but we're close tears, Even after all these years, We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time
She's in line at the dole, With her head held high, While I just lost my job but, Didn't lose my pride. But we both know how

First off, it makes me think about so many families, who are out of work at the moment, who can't make their rent or mortgages, who are fighting to put food on the table. How that must weigh on your love and family life... I know how it weighed on mine... We had problems to start (my ex and I), but the money problems always took a toll on our personal stuff.

It also makes me just think of relationships that put the important stuff first. Yeah we got to feed the kids, play with the kids, clean up after the kids... Yeah we have all these responsibilities, but don't worry we'll make time for ourselves soon. Whether it's about money or not... as parent(s) the kids have to come first... Their basic (and sometimes frivilous) needs come before our own. You put your personal relationship with your significant other on the sideburner, and then out of nowhere... you realize that this fire you once had... is out, and you're not sure why, and you try so hard to get it back, but things (the important ones) always get precedence.

Now that I have stated all of this... where do I take the post.....It's a good question.

I have made a lot of sacrifices to get Emry and I in a position where we are safe mostly safe. We have a roof over our heads, he has a bed, he has belongings, we have great adventures... he feels love and support, and I also feel love and support.

Now that we are here, the object is to keep all these things, but also it is now time for me to start enjoying life again. Within reason, that is.

I am an oober OCD clean freak, I do sheets everyweek, the floors, countertops, laundry (Heck, that never ends).... But, will the world end, if I don't mop/sweep the floors... so that I can have an extra half an hour of ME time? or adult talking/cuddling time with Klay? No, it will not.

We all work, work, work, work... and Heck, we have to.. those bills just keep coming...
We (as a society) need to remember, what, who (and why) we are working for (or towards).

We need to take a little time for our love, for our family, for our friends.
Things just get pushed to the side so much.
I can play with him later, I need to clean...
I could sit and eat with him, or I could fold that laundry.

I am personally making a stand, to make PERSONAL time for those important to me, and more importantly TIME FOR ME. For the things I love about my life.

Those things are:
1) Emry
2) Klay
3) Reading
4) Being outside in the sun
5) Walking... anywhere.
6) Taking care of my body.

With in reason.. I will be alotting more time for these things.
Especially the top two.

Life is short.
And I am working my ass off... so I can enjoy my life with these people.
It's time to start enjoying.
Just a little.

I hope my OCD will allow the dust bunnies to stay on the floor... a little longer than normal.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Potpourri Friday

A poem

Pushed then Pulled
and I coming or going
Thoughts swirl in color
I feel like I'm a pot stirring

Things moving too fast
or not fast enough?
Am I really in control
Or is this just like the past?

Feel the wheels spinning
Feel the old thoughts creeping
Need to gain some distance
To prevent myself from slipping

Searching for something
Deep within me
Trying to be more
Than anyone expects me to be

Feeling alone
While in a crowded room
Is this really happening
Did I try to be happy too soon?

Need a break
Don't understand why
Nothings really transpired
But yet I can't help but sigh

Is this a mechanism?
Am I afraid to move forward
Subconsciously stopping myself
From feeling awkward

Never been this happy
So it seems to make sense
My old demons are fighting
To keep me on the defense

Don't leave me.
I'm trying to work this out.
It's so hard being so open
when my past has left me with such doubt.



I am my own worst enemy.
From my panic anxiety attack of last night (we all read my freak out, right?)
Made myself permanently nauseous.
SO nauseous in fact, that I am having chicken noodle soup... for breakfast.

And I'm my nausea isn't helping my anxiety issue....
I need to get over this.

Klay came over, and laid with me in bed last night, as my nausea was at it's peak.
I asked him why he came, because I really thought my text was in true "Angry Bitch" form.
His presence was soothing... "is there anything I can do?" was nice too.

And even though my only response was "Make me not nauseous."
My head was saying, I'm a mess, and I'm sorry, I can't control this emotional outburst, I'm going so nuts right now, that my stomach is doing back flips and I don't want you to see me break down again. I cry to fucking much.

I've been way too open recently.
Yeah, it's good to be comfortable with your significant other, but, I am so afraid of overwhelming him... anyone for that matter.

My ex.
He always made me feel like I was ..... WEAK
(SIDE NOTE: Yes, I know only I can make myself FEEL anything... but you know what I mean)
My emotions were never received.
He never had any support for me.
I remember that I used to cry and cry..... for legitimate reasons.... and he would just stare at me.
Wouldn't even hold my hand.
And, it would make me cry more.
I was alone.
I was alone.
And, when he didn't know what to do with me... he'd go on the computer, or play a video game...
Never tried to help me.
So, I just stopped.
For a long time.
I really felt nothing, or did things that limited my emotional response.
And even when I wasn't doing "things".... I just learned to build up my walls so strong, and so high. That I wasn't even ticklish anymore.
I had no responses. Not happy. Not sad. Not angry. Just numb.

I had Emry. And my walls came down a little.. but just for Emry.
He's a cute PITA (pain in the ass)...... I can't help but melt around him.
I love him, true unconditional love.

But, everyone else.
Stayed at arm's distance.
And no one knew... they just thought it was "How Kateri IS"

It's not.
And, I started to grow, and started to let go.
I got 100% free, and back in my own skin...

But, my emotional walls, my trusting another person with my heart.
Stayed up.
Until I met Klay.
And, he crashed through them.
And, I love him.. unconditionally....

But, now that I am "there".........I hear Nick's voice, saying my words, "You're too emotional. He's not going to handle this. He's going to leave. Don't trust."

I then hear my inner strength talking, "Only you make yourself feel BROKEN. If he loves you, he will love all of you. Be you. You're exactly who you should be. There's nothing wrong with this."

And... my stomach does another back flip.

Ugh. I should do some work.

Until later.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

**SIGHS** I don't know...

I am upset.
I'm not sure why.
But I'm really upset.
I have tightening in my chest.
And my head seems to be spinning.

and it stemmed... for asking Klay how his day was..via text.
His answer, which was just a regular answer... seemed to provoke this anger...

I don't understand it, and it's pissing me off.
Why am I so upset?

After I gave Emry a bath, I took one... to try and calm myself.
Put a facial mask on, you know, actually took my time... should have been great.. right?


So I put on some easy TV.... and turned on the laptop... started typing.

And here we are.

I feel like I'm being pulled.
And I know I am not making any sense....


And I want nothing more to talk through this heavy emotion with Klay.
But I am SO sick of venting to him.
He must think I am such a mess.

He tells me that I'm not a nuisance or a bother....

But I feel like I am.
I am a VERY very emotional person.

It comes from me being strong and pretending like everything his perfect... for too long. 

But, since we have gotten so close, I want to turn to him... I want his affection to make this better.

In my eyes, in my head,  I feel weak for doing that.
I should be able to handle my own shit.


So, I deflect, and I get angry.. and I say stupid shit.

So... I'm trying not to do that.
I guess I'm in hiding.

I need to calm down.
I think a glass of wine may be in order.

Venting complete.
for now.

goodnight all