People Just as Crazy as Me

Friday, January 20, 2012

Friday - The post that should have been yesterday

This may not be perfectly written.
It may be riddled with mistakes.
Hell, it may not even make sense.
But, this is what I got to offer today...

I'm done.
I'm hurt.
I'm broken.
I can't move passed this moment.
I feel everything slipping away.
I want to better myself, for my son, for our stability.. I applied for a job within the same company, and my boss... well, I'm paying for it today.
Just little snide digs... re-do this spreadsheet, even though, for the purposes it is serving, my changes aren't actually important.
The initial spreadsheet was pointless I'm just going to keep beating you down until your submissive.
This is how I feel by the stupidity I have to deal with.
She's hot.
She's cold.
I feel like a bad kid.
I feel like I've been grounded.
LADY YOU NEED TO SHOVE IT.

I went home, for the 2nd bout of Nick-dinner with Emry.
He was late.
He brought food prepared by someone else.
He Boasted about using his sisters FOOD STAMPS.
I'm reporting them.
I swear to God, I AM NOT BENEATH REPORTING THEM.
It's sickening how trashy people abuse the system.
He pushed to stay later.
He pushed to go outside of the aggreement.
Which made me look really SHITTY to Emry.
He tried manipulating my son to call him Daddy, by referring to himself as that in the third person.

I went over to take care of Klay after Nick left and my dad got home.
He's sick.
I feel sick inside though...
I feel worse today....

Emry doesn't want "daddy" (meaning Klay) to come with us to dinner tonight.
He doesn't want him to come to his birthday anymore.
2 visits from the ex, and everything is upheaved.
I know... that soon.... Nick will slip up, and Emry will be broken again.

I looked at Emry and I told him I thought it was really crappy that he would give up daddy (meaning Klay)... after he had been there and loved him and cared for him. That it broke my heart. That Klay didn't deserve that.
Emry just stared blankly at me, and then cried.
He's confused.
I'm confused.
He's hurting.
I'm hurting.
He assumes that Nick will move back in....
Something Klay will not do.
I had to explain that NICK moving IN WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
That he isn't good for us.
That we will remain separated.... FOR OUR SAFETY (emry and I).

He just wants.
A DAILY FATHER.
I understand it.
I wanted a DAILY FAMILY.
Something I grieve with constantly.
Must be super hard for a 4 year old brain to comprehend.

I drove to work..
Feeling like shit.
Thinking about our morning.
My previous evening.
My previous work day.
What today would hold.

I thought about telling Klay that this weekend we should all be separate.
But, this turmoil... is something NICK is looking to happen.
I know it.
I'm so angry....

I look for help.
I look up.
I pray to whatever will listen.
I feel nothing.
There's no solice for me.
I just feel pain.
I just feel out of control.

I feel empty.
Primrose Oil Capsules NOT WORKING TODAY.

I don't want to diet today.
I want to eat crap ALL DAY.
Glad I don't have extra cash on me or else I would.

I feel my face ticking.
That's how upset I am.
Feel my eyes wattering up.
That's how upset I am.

I got nothing.

Just all this uncertainty.

And I don't deserve it.

1 comment:

  1. keep your chin up, girl. don't let him succeed in throwing everything you've worked for into chaos.
    while your son may be confused, try to show him that he can love them both at the same time. a lot of families have fathers {biological}, and daddies {the REAL men who step up, even if the child isn't theirs biologically}.
    {{hugs}}

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