People Just as Crazy as Me

Monday, January 9, 2012

Music Mondays - 1/9/2012


Evanesence - My Heart is Broken



We are the Fallen - Sleep Well My Angel

Let's just go there.
There is meaning.

I am feeling a little broken today.
As I kind of knew I was going to feel it.
I was "ready", and I did chicken out during our decadent dinner the other night.
The night was too perfect, I didn't want to spoil it with a question that I knew was going to be ill-received.

However,
this morning, as Klay and I laid in bed, waiting for him to leave for work...(I'm home today, I have to take Emry to the doctor, his eczema has gone unchecked for too long. Appointment at 11a)
I asked him.
And, there is no chance of him ever living in this house with us.
It's too small.
"I don't think it would work."
Which means ... well.. Never.
I would have to win the LOTTO to be able to get out of this house, and then AFFORD to move into a bigger house.
So.
Never.
He will never be a permanent fixture in our reality.
It will always be... THIS WAY.

Is that awful?
Not Really.
He's here when we need him...
My problem... I am feel the need for him A LOT.

I understand he probably doesn't get, that I just can't leave a house I own...
And that selling a house and buying a new house is a big undertaking.
Yes, he could buy his own house, and we could live there... And I could leave my dad here...
But, that's not the plan... Dad needs my help too. Financially he needs a second person to help with this house.
So... I'm stuck....
And, feeling broken.
I tried not to show it on my face, when Klay told me THIS *motions around the house* will never be an option.
But, I have a feeling he knew.
I won't say anything.
I can't.
I was prepared for all of this.

However,
due to the estrogen thing, and the fact I am hurt... I can say that I'm going to be the most pleasant girlfriend for the next couple of days...
I'll try to avoid the bitchery... but, Come on... We all know how much it sucks to be so hopeful for something, and then gain knowledge that it's not going to happen.

It sucks.
It hurts.

Klay and I have this daydream about owning a cabin in the woods, close enough to civilization that we can go grocery shopping or to a Barnes and Noble... But far enough away that the stars are pure at nighttime, and that the cars don't dominate the outdoor sounds.

**shakes head**

That is something I know will never happen either.
I am quite defeated... can't you tell?
How can a great man, have such a fatal flaw....
How can this be the GREATEST level of commitment I will ever get.
I know I'm never getting proposed too... even though it would just restore my feelings of love and fate... and all that girly stuff....
I know that I will never share a home with the man I love.
It's just something that I need to really get a hold of. 

NO more daydreaming.
NO more pretending.
NO more eluding the truth.

It is what it is.

Don't take it for granted.
Just keep working towards my own goals.
Don't make fake ones that will never happen.
Work towards things I want... Things I need....
For Emry and I...
It will always be just Emry and I.

And, I am okay with that.
I should have never assumed that I, of all people, would get a knight on a white horse.
Never happened before, will never happen anyway.
I make my own way.
How it has to be.

**nods**

Anyone else just feeling emotionally, mentally spent?


I think this weekend, even with the snacking, I was able to keep my calorie intake under control.
I am proud of that.
This new body image, weight/measurement loss, is what I will focus on... It's what I can control.
It's what I need.

3 comments:

  1. *hugs*
    never say never, dear.. i know, i know.. corny and clichéd, but still. the situation may not allow for him to live with you right now, but things could change. HE could change.
    you are doing awesome with your diet plan as well, you ought to be proud.

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  2. Oh, sister, I can soooooo relate. I think sometimes we find a fantastic person in bad circumstances or a fantastic person at the wrong time. We have the capacity to love many people in a lifetime, each one a different way. Sometimes the one we love isn't good for our soul in the long run. I had to make my ex-husband be in a relationship and it was humiliating to be the one working to have the relationship. I dreamed of a man wanting me and wanting me so much he couldn't wait to be with me. I will settle for no less. Settle for now less for yourself and for Emry. There is good enough for a lifetime and good enough for now. Don't ever give up the dream. When hope is gone, your soul dies, your heart fills with resentment. I am learning that at a significantly older age than yourself.

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  3. Yeah, that's a tough spot to be in... When you're a kid, they never tell you how life gets so easily complicated as an adult.

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