Monday, January 9, 2012
Music Mondays - 1/9/2012
Evanesence - My Heart is Broken
We are the Fallen - Sleep Well My Angel
Let's just go there.
There is meaning.
I am feeling a little broken today.
As I kind of knew I was going to feel it.
I was "ready", and I did chicken out during our decadent dinner the other night.
The night was too perfect, I didn't want to spoil it with a question that I knew was going to be ill-received.
this morning, as Klay and I laid in bed, waiting for him to leave for work...(I'm home today, I have to take Emry to the doctor, his eczema has gone unchecked for too long. Appointment at 11a)
I asked him.
And, there is no chance of him ever living in this house with us.
It's too small.
"I don't think it would work."
Which means ... well.. Never.
I would have to win the LOTTO to be able to get out of this house, and then AFFORD to move into a bigger house.
He will never be a permanent fixture in our reality.
It will always be... THIS WAY.
Is that awful?
He's here when we need him...
My problem... I am feel the need for him A LOT.
I understand he probably doesn't get, that I just can't leave a house I own...
And that selling a house and buying a new house is a big undertaking.
Yes, he could buy his own house, and we could live there... And I could leave my dad here...
But, that's not the plan... Dad needs my help too. Financially he needs a second person to help with this house.
So... I'm stuck....
And, feeling broken.
I tried not to show it on my face, when Klay told me THIS *motions around the house* will never be an option.
But, I have a feeling he knew.
I won't say anything.
I was prepared for all of this.
due to the estrogen thing, and the fact I am hurt... I can say that I'm going to be the most pleasant girlfriend for the next couple of days...
I'll try to avoid the bitchery... but, Come on... We all know how much it sucks to be so hopeful for something, and then gain knowledge that it's not going to happen.
Klay and I have this daydream about owning a cabin in the woods, close enough to civilization that we can go grocery shopping or to a Barnes and Noble... But far enough away that the stars are pure at nighttime, and that the cars don't dominate the outdoor sounds.
That is something I know will never happen either.
I am quite defeated... can't you tell?
How can a great man, have such a fatal flaw....
How can this be the GREATEST level of commitment I will ever get.
I know I'm never getting proposed too... even though it would just restore my feelings of love and fate... and all that girly stuff....
I know that I will never share a home with the man I love.
It's just something that I need to really get a hold of.
NO more daydreaming.
NO more pretending.
NO more eluding the truth.
It is what it is.
Don't take it for granted.
Just keep working towards my own goals.
Don't make fake ones that will never happen.
Work towards things I want... Things I need....
For Emry and I...
It will always be just Emry and I.
And, I am okay with that.
I should have never assumed that I, of all people, would get a knight on a white horse.
Never happened before, will never happen anyway.
I make my own way.
How it has to be.
Anyone else just feeling emotionally, mentally spent?
I think this weekend, even with the snacking, I was able to keep my calorie intake under control.
I am proud of that.
This new body image, weight/measurement loss, is what I will focus on... It's what I can control.
It's what I need.