People Just as Crazy as Me

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Tuesday - 1/10/12 - Second Post

This is a follow up post to THIS POST... well the reasoning for it.

I'm upset.. still.
Not like over the moon, complete bitchery...
However, I am hurt.

Klay knew there was something wrong when he came to check in on Emry at lunchtime.
And went he came to pick up his stuff from the weekend, after work.
(You see what I mean, he's always with us... which makes his NO... kind of unbearable.)

Normally, we wouldn't bump into each other if I was at work, and Emry at school.
But, you know, sick kid and all.. we were home..... Eczema sucks by the way.

So, he kept asking me if I was okay. Telling me that I looked miserable... My face was reflecting thus. I am not going to verbally respond to him about this, it's his decision and I have to respect that.
I said I was fine.
I said that I was worried about Emry.
So, in part, I lied.

But, then, Emry went to bed.
And without me wanting it.. Klay snuggled up against me on the couch.

I take energy work very seriously. (If you don't then think of it as someone who can calm you down, EVEN if your blood is boiling about them)
I am 5th Generation Reiki Master, and an Empathic Healer.
(If it paid the bills, I'd Massage and do Energy Work Full-Time... but it doesn't.)
When Klay knows I am upset... He generates his energy. He tries to silently calm me, and put me in a better place.
I know it.
And I"m pretty sure he knows it too.

Before I could stop it.
I was calm, and okay with everything.
And I knew I had been played.
And, as soon as I was calm... and mushy...
He left.


**rolls eyes**

I slept fine.
I am still upset, but not in a way that I can't bluff through it better, the next time we interact.

Will I get over this?
I'm not sure.
But, right now.
IT Feels crappy.
IT Feels cruddy.

and... I don't want to be over it.
I don't want to see the chance for it in the future.
I don't want to leave him.
I just...

I want what I want.
I want what I dream of... and what I deserve.

It just might not be Klay.
You can't make anyone be who you want them to be.
I'm not one to force anyone to be anyway...
It's wrong.
Depending on how long this hurts...
Maybe it's done.
Maybe it was a "right now" thing... and not a "forever" thing.
What ever it was... it was sure beautiful and safe.

I need to be open to this option.
and I guess so does he.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, this is very tough. You have set an agenda that the relationship must be defined by a time line. Once you have a "goal" in a relationship, it moves into the "deed" category. Perhaps you need to shift yourself to "right now, this is totally working" and take what is a dynamic and active process of loving and move it out of the task column. Just let go. Over time, he becomes more and more deeply involved in you and Emry's lives, so things will become clear to him. You don't need an absolute definite answer now. It's working. Just enjoy it. If we don't enjoy the present, when it's gone, we grumble that we didn't appreciate it when we had it. It's like life. No one ever says "I wish I made CEO of my company" when they're dying, they say "I wish I had more fun, laughed more, made more close friendships." So, just be. Do not define. Do not put it in the "noun" category but keep it a "verb."