People Just as Crazy as Me

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Rants of the Curvy Mama: SELF ESTEEM

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I know that my weight loss will not improve my self esteem.
I also know that some of my issues were incorrectly formed because of my weight gain.
I know that I should love who I am.
I know that I am a rocking, intelligent woman and amazing mother...
But,
That doesn't stop me from remembering the past.
When I was young (oh, ok, younger....) my mother used to tell me I was fat.
5'4 @ 100lbs
I was fat?
My first real boyfriend said he broke up with me because I had a HUGE ass.
5'4 @ 108lbs
(Yes, I can remember how much I weighed at each of these occurrences.)
My ex-husband stopped sleeping with me when I got sick and gained a little weight.
5'4 @ 125lbs
Then, I had a baby. My ex still wouldn't love me, he ran around loving other women.
5'4 @ 175+lbs
I was unhappy by my life situations and my marriage...
I didn't lose the weight.
I only began to lose a little when I started really working again.
Merchandising job through Home Depot's Floral Supplier.
I worked hard.
I lost a little weight.
5'4 @ 160lbs.
And I began to lose and gain from their.
Klay met me at 155lbs... but, dating, and good cooking... I went back up a little.
We all know that since January of this year I have made amazing progress to get toward a healthy BMI (and thus weight.)
I only have 7 more pounds to go.
But, last night.
The fat girl with the low self esteem got in to my subconscious.
She affected my dreams.
I hate when I get the best of me.

I dreamt that Klay cheated on me.
And I walked in on it.
I've had this dream before.
The first time I dreamt it..
was a few months ago.
And, I couldn't see who it was.
(in my dream I heard them from his shower).
But, in this dream...
I walked in and saw all of it.
And of course, what I dreamt him cheating on me with was a
THIN
BLONDE
BOMBSHELL.

And he turned, looked at me, and his face was full of sadness.

Now,
I know this is my VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM.
I know that he loves me with my curves.
I know that he is so proud of the weight I have lost.
I know that if he was going to cheat, he'd tell me, and we'd end it.
I know these things.
We talk.
We're honest with each other.

I just.
Well.
I've been hurt.
And I associate the hurt with because I was bigger than I should have been.

Weird?
Probably.

But it's the truth, and that's why I'm writing this today.


I've been trying to respond to an email he sent me an hour ago.
I can't.
Even though it was a dream... it has left this awful dirty coating on me.
BLECHK

I even found this little "I love you, Baby" note he left in the book I'm reading.
My heart pours open for him.
He's truly amazing.

I'm still afraid.
I still had that dream.

I know that even if I get back to 120's in weight.
I will still NOT have self esteem.

Self esteem comes from within.
Self esteem needs to be built up all on its own.

And, there is no other way to do it.

Some say that when you dream of being cheated on, you are having subconscious thought about CHEATING on your SO.
That's NOT what's going on here.

Dream Dictionary says:

"To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are unconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship."

I think I agree with that.
THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.
SEE?
Dream dictionary is on my side.

The last sentence scares me though.
Because.
Well.
That is always a fear.

That's why I try not to over pressure Klay.

Meh.

Any ideas how to renew my self-esteem?
Any criticism?
Bueller? 

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