People Just as Crazy as Me

Friday, June 29, 2012

Monologues of the Dating Divorcee Working Mother - "Depression"

Monologues of the Dating Divorcee Working Mother

(aka: The Life of a
Quasi-Single Mother)

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(DISCLAIMER: I do not mean to offend anyone. There are different strokes for different folks, and we all have different lives, goals, aspirations. What I write about in these posts is not meant to be the "only way", "the right way", "better than you". It's just my opinion, use it where you can. Comment or Criticize too, how else do we grow as people, if we don't listen to a little criticism?)

Depression is something I deal with... on a daily basis.
It's normal for me.
I've been to shrinks.
I've been to counselors.
And, if I had the money, I would continue to go..
Truth is.
I don't.
So I don't go.
I've been on medication...
Didn't like the way it made me feel...
I take vitamins and supplements now.
So, for the most part, it's manageable.

It doesn't stop me from being depressed though, it just helps me to DEAL with being depressed.

I've been exhausted for the past 2 weeks.
Going to be as early as I can.
My stomach has been in knots, making it really hard for me to hold complex foods.
I've been in my own head.
Klay says I look upset.

I don't think I'm upset ... persay...
I know I'm depressed.

About what?
About everything.
It all adds to depression....
At least it does in my world.

It makes me wonder if it's something that other woman in my shoes suffer from.
It makes me wonder what others do for it....

It's so easy for the Doctor's to say:
"Take a pill. You'll be okay."
The pill doesn't stop the feelings... The pill helps you to manage the feelings.

Me time.
Vitamins and Supplements.
These are things I try to do.

But, the past two weeks.
My normal fixes.. haven't been working.
I just want to not exist for a while.
Does anyone know what I mean?
Just be invisible.

It's hard to do when you're the bread winner and a mother...
You need to be present.
You need to be on top of things.

You got to kiss the boo-boo's.
Serve the food.
Clean the clothes.
Hug the sad.
Hug the happy.
You just can't "disappear".

It's not about needing help.
Help is always appreciated, but it isn't necessary.
It's about just wanting to...

It's about recharging my batteries...
I suppose.

If I could do that...
I could get to the root of where and why this shit builds up..
I could control it better.
You know?

It's sad when the Head of the House can't fix her own problems.

My working single mother friends...

I leave you with these words:

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through –  

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum –  
Kept beating – beating – till I thought
My Mind was going numb –  

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here – 

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down –  
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing – then –

1 comment:

  1. I get you, sweetie. I used to run an anxiety disorder self help group, gave lectures, workshops and wrote articles printed around the world on the subject. For over 20 years, I've sponsored people through depression/anxiety issues to recovery. It's very simple. No one tells you because it would be too cheap. You can recovery permanently in 12 weeks. It's cognitive-behavioral therapy. Have realistic thoughts and then you get realistic emotions. No generalizations, no black and white thinking, no perfectionism. It has changed my life completely. I'd suggest David Burns Books Feeling Good and Feeling Good Handbook. They were my bibles for my self help group along with The New Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis. If they taught this shit about mental hygiene in school, we would not see the depression, anxiety and addiction issues we have in the world It's so simple and sooooo effective. Here's wishing you a voyage into a new way of thinking and feeling, dear.