People Just as Crazy as Me

Friday, August 17, 2012

DAY 24 - Something I have learned & an actual post


DAY 24:

Good Morning All,
Since I am in a mood...
I have been doing pretty scarce... LAME.... posts...

Today, I hope is much better...

I am 27 years old, and I know that I will continue to learn things until the day I die.
Which hopefully, is when I am old and wrinkly.

The MAJOR lesson that I have learned in my 27 years on this planet:


This concept is very hard for me.
I am a very OCD, structured person.
I feel the need to be on top of most things in my existence.

I can have all the routines I want.
At the end of the day...
If the bottom falls out...
It's going to...

The only thing you can do in these instances is:

Have backup plans, backup funds (this one is a hard one), backup routines.

You make due until everything settles.

And then,
if you're anything like me...
Start a new routine...

I am sure everyone has these moments.
Even the people who seem to have "perfect" lives.
Some people are better at making a visage for us to see.
But, that means that they just hold all the tension in...
And that's no good either.
You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Wow... I just hit a road block.
Does that ever happen to you while you are trying to type a post? or email?
That last thought process... Well... it sent my mind elsewhere.

"...behind closed doors."

Let's change the topic shall we... I feel the need to actual post something outside of the 30 Days of Me.

For me it is very hard not to be who I am.
I know that statement may not make sense...
But, I wish I could be more easy going.
I wish that I wasn't the type of person who needed a plan, or a routine.
I wish I wasn't the type of person who is easily disrupted by the SMALLEST inconsistency.
But, I am.
And sometimes it sucks.

I have been having panic attacks since last Saturday.
For no reason, clear out of the blue... seemingly triggered by nothing.
I am not centered.
I am not even calmed by the routine...
And, it's as if I am losing my focus.
Which, scares me even AFTER I get over the panic attack.

Losing my focus is not something I am willing to do.
My driving force is to good for Emry.
My driving force is to get us to a life we deserve.
But, what if it is more than we deserve?
Now, everyone will always say...
You deserve the best.....
But, seriously, what if my idea of what I deserve...
and what I actually deserve...
Are two different sides of the spectrum?
Are we in control of our destiny?
or is our destiny in control of us?

I always believe the latter....
But, it makes me wonder...
When I hear of people just scraping by...
But having the ability to stay home with their kid(s).
I wonder how they can do that?
Because for some reason I cannot.
I envy that.
The knowledge that it will be okay..
Even if I am NOT pushing myself to the BRINK of EXHAUSTION.
I know that there are so many different worries that people in that situation have that are MORE severe than I.
If happiness is the goal...
Why should MONEY cloud it?

Life wouldn't be any easier...
It would just be different...
Good Different?
Bad Different?
I can't tell you that...

But... at the end of the day...
What if my best is being misdirected...
Does that make sense?

I have a lot to think about...

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