People Just as Crazy as Me

Thursday, November 29, 2012

What I haven't been saying.

I realized that I have been... limiting what I say on this blog.
Not that I have been hiding the truth...
But I think I have been so sad...
So lost...
That I just couldn't bear to type it.

Things have been...
strained at home....

My son... my precious little guy... he's...
He hasn't been right recently.
He has been... angry.
He has been .... screaming.
He has been.... crying.

These aren't tantrums.
We've had tantrums...
These are...
Emotional Breakdowns.
With guttural screams...
Tearing his room apart.....

We have been afraid that during these... episodes... that he was going to hurt himself, or one of us... in the process.

**Sighs**

When he calms down, which sometimes takes hours.... He knows exactly what happened, he knows what caused it, and he's very sorry.

He just can't control it when it's happening.

Now. It's not everyday.
Maybe 1 a week... for the past 3 weeks?

After the second one, he told me it was because he just didn't want to spend time with Nick (my ex-husband) anymore. That he needed a break.

The third one happened before I got a chance to speak with my ex.

But, as of Tuesday, the ex and I have had the conversation.. and Emry knows... so I am hoping there is less stress in the situation.

I am also starting some aromatherapy.
As we all know, I have a massage therapy/holistic background... so aromatherapy is where I will start.
Meditation, which I am supposed to be doing as part of my LIST, is also in our future.

We are also thinking that enrolling Emry in a Martial Art is a good idea.
(The ex actually told me, "Well that could go EITHER WAY." - he's never taken Martial Arts, so he really has no idea... what a tool.)

But, it feels better to type this.
It feels much better to get it out.

I just... I sometimes feel a little defeated when Emry has an issue.
I feel like my parenting is lacking.

I KNOW I KNOW... that is NOT the case... but, it's how I feel.
I'm very hard on myself.

It's just in my own head... everything I've ever touched... in the past... has gone to shit.
Literally... just... In the past... I could not handle my life... let alone someone else's.

Things have turned around.
Life is not as dramatic... or dark....
But... I still...
I just can't seem to relax, and know that things will work out for the best.

I get scared.
I guess what that means ... being a mom.
Always being afraid about SOMETHING.

So... that's what I haven't been saying.....

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