People Just as Crazy as Me

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

*nods* Still running

After Nick goes home tonight, I have to talk with Klay.
Have the talk.
I love him to much to push him.
and I love me enough to know I need to start making smart moves for Emry and I.

This is really hard.
And it hurts.
I'm not sure of the outcome.
I'm not sure what Klay will say.

I just know I need to get out what I'm feeling.
And, if the only result is to part ways, than that's fine.
It'll hurt.
But, it'll be okay.

Just sucks.

I'll admit it:
I do not like to be alone.
I feel that I was alone in my first marriage.
So, to be truly alone.
Well....
I'm not comfortable with that, but, I'll deal... I have to.
I have Emry.
I have my dad.
My sister.
A couple really good friends...
Friends here.

We'll get through this all together.
Right?
In essence, I won't be as alone as I think....

Right?

Yahoo Tuesday - 1/31/12 - You're a GIRL!!!

READ! GENDER DISCRIMINATION? OR TIME TO FIND A NEW TEAM?

OPINIONS?
I think this is crap... If this little girl is a good player... couldn't she get a chance to be on the more competitive team?

Read some of the male chauvinist comments....

Come on people... let's discuss!



Just saying.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Running.

After he had the dream that I left him, I told him that wasn't happening...
After I had the dream that he wouldn't let me go, in a scary monster way... He told me he was there for me. To protect me. That he loved me.

I hit the wall today.
Love isn't enough.
Support is necessary.
I don't have enough support.

I need to stop waiting on things that aren't coming.
And working toward a life where I can spend MORE time with my son.... regardless of our family unit.
The only people Emry and I can rely on for support, is ME and HIM.
No one else.

I do not want the:
If it's right, it'll work out.
Don't be rash... think  about it.
This love may have not been forever it may have been right now.

I love you all, I don't want advice.

I don't want anyone to placate me.
I do not want anyone to hold my hand through this.

I want to be upset.
I want to run.

And that's just what's going to happen here.
It's too much strain on me.

I can't balance all of this anymore.
Something has got to give.
Unfortunately, and most definitely with great sadness... the thing that's giving... is Klay.


And that's the decision that needs to be made.
I will not force someone to be more than they want to be.
I will not be strained between two worlds.

Giving up.... and it sucks.

Monday - Second Post - 1/30/12

I met my sisters FOSTER KID.
She's 15... and quite pretty....
Has braces, dresses in normal girl clothes...
Uses the word LIKE every other word.
Klay didn't like her... I'm on the fence.
She seems very "self-entitled".
She seems like she's playing them.

My sister told me that she had problem reading, that she has to hear an audio book to follow along in an actual book.
But, I heard her read (with the texts intended tone) facebook statuses to us.... for about 20minutes.
I watched her write on her iTouch for the entire visit.
I don't know a lot about learning disabilities... but, that seems like this chick can read and understand what she reads.
I think there's a little bit of laziness there.. as all teenagers have.
But she was, on the internet, in SOMEWAY... for the entire visit.
Even when we went out to eat.
AT A RESTAURANT this girl interacted about 2% of the time... and that was to talk about what she was ordering and then order it.

Is that normal? Some of you have a teen (or have HAD a teen).. is this normal 2012 Teen behavior???

I thought it was rude.

But, other than that... she seemed quite normal to me...

She said that she didn't know what a "tibetan" was.... or who "emily dickinson" was...

It made Klay get up, leave the room, and make coffee...
I almost died.
He's a literacy snob... he's very well read... He expects everyone else to be just as well read...
We have quibbles about it every so often, but, we get over them.
He is more intelligent than I am.
He READS way more FACTUAL stuff then I do...
I like to read for pleasure... more than learning.
I know that's sad... but, I was in school, until Joe was almost 3.......... I learned everything there is to know about the human body... I can talk to you ALL day about Physiology, Kinesiology, Pharmacology... But, history... and current science studies... species... Not me. Sorry. I'm interested in hearing about it... but not searching it out. I read for pleasure... until well, I'm done being a pleasure reader!


We went to the Zoocus on Sunday.
What's a Zoocus?
Well, on the free ticket Emry got... it was called a CIRCUS.
But, when we got there, and paid $39 for my dad, Klay and I to go with him... we learned it was a petting ZOO with CIRCUS ANIMALS........ and carnival rides.
Hence: ZOOCUS.
It was a tad expensive.
But, Emry LOVED IT!
We had a great time.
Emry got to feed the animals... and got to ride on some cool rides.
So, all in all.. not the worst loss of all time.

Tonight, I get to sign Emry up for T-ball.
He's really excited.
It won't start until the spring... but it's something he's really AMPED to do!

And, I found a really cool Martial Arts Summer Camp for him...
So, keeping him active is going to be REAL easy this summer!

I hope it won't be too time consuming for us... but you know, he deserves something JUST for him.
He really goes with our schedule all the time....
He needs a "EMRY" activity.
So T-ball and some Karate.
Sounds good to me!

It's almost lunch time.
And I need to get some actual work done...
So, I guess for now...
The "LOVE" portion of my post will have to wait.
Nothing juicy... just more Klay talk.
One of my favorite subjects.


Until later... Be well.

Music Monday - 1/30/12


Kiss the Rain - Billie Myers

Throw back to my teenager years...
I don't know why, but when I looked at YouTube... this was the only song I could think of....

It was simple.
It was a beautiful song.
And... it still is.

And also, for your viewing pleasure....


Game of Thrones Season 2 coming this spring.
I can't wait.


Check for my second post today.... About Foster Parenting... About Love... About Super Bowl Chef's...
and god knows what else.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Friday - Loser

Here I am ....♪♫♪♫...on the road again...

Sorry.. I had to, I started a sentence 2 hours ago, and never got to finish it... So a song lyric... Seemed fitting.

hahaha.

I have sent another 100 emails this morning... before 10:00a.m.
Slave driver.
Can I claim workman's comp or work disability from intense JOINT DISTRESS?


Can I Can I Can I?


I'm tired and my stomach is still cruddy.

It's Friday, but I know I have the world of Food Shopping to do after picking up Emry tonight.
And then, I have to finish the cleaning list.... Bathrooms, Laundry (to be cleaned and put away) and the Kitchen Stovetop... Need to be done... Those are my most HATED household chores.


OH IN SPECTACULAR NEWS.
Maybe not spectacular... but interesting to say the least.

EMRY ASKED THE EX TO LEAVE EARLY LAST NIGHT.
ALL ON HIS OWN ACCORD.
.............I FOUND IT VERY +VERY+ AMUSING.

Nick looked hurt, but, to give Emry some back up here.
Nick brought a SINGLE can of Chef Boyardee for both of them to eat for their dinner.

I hope this point is driving home to Nick, that he needs money to be able to feed Emry... if he EVER wants the chance of Emry spending WEEKENDS with him AGAIN.

Emry isn't the biggest fan of Chef Boyardee.... every once in awhile, it's his guilty pleasure. He likes the beefaroni, or mini-raviolis... the whole grain ones. Seriously. I swear. But, I think that's because the can is more ASTHETICALLY pleasing than the others. But, what Nick brought. Was OVERSTUFFED something or other... and the picture showed you a cut seen on this BROWN HUGE RIGATONI LIKE LASAGNA THING... it looked super gross.... When it came out of the microwave... IT SMELLED GROSS. Even Emry made a face... the color... well, Emry willingly split a single can of this slop, so that he did not have to eat the whole thing.
A few minutes later, they were "playing". I use quotation marks, because Emry would open a game... Nick would play but be SO disinterested, and Emry would open ANOTHER GAME. Same thing. 3 or 4 times they went through this. ....
Emry got sad, and frustrated... and he asked, "Nick, can you go home?"... and remember between dinner time and bath/bedtime it's about an hour... so with 30minutes to spare..... He asked this.

Nick looked heartbroken. GOOD. HE SHOULD BE. Now he can feel how Emry felt for a long time.
This made Emry sad, but he still pushed it... politely... over and over again. Nick was gone by 545p.

I asked Emry if he still wanted dinners with Nick twice a week, if maybe we should take it back maybe to only ONCE a week.
Emry said no, dinner was fine, but (and these were his exact words) "But I don't want to play with him anymore mama, he doesn't even want to."

It's true.
He's old enough to see it now.
I give these dinners a few more weeks and then I think Emry will be over it.
He's gaining some type of closure by seeing Nick.
I'm sure of it.

So, tired.
Got to get back to work.

TTYL?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Thursdacap- 1/26/12

I typed... 1,000 individual emails today.
ABOUT THE SAME SUBJECT.

I didn't get to take a break.
I didn't get to take a lunch.
I ate at my desk, while typing.

My boss is all bitchy... because she didn't think I could get it done.
But, I did, and now she's all huffy.

At one point she asked me why she stopped receiving the Copies of my emails.
"Because I'm done with the emails."

HER JAW DROPPED
MY SPIRIT LIFTED

That's it.

I have the ex coming for dinner again... I think.
Last time he brought awful looking food... Just for Emry.
No portion for himself.

I'm making the rule.
If you want a bigger relationship with Emry, I need to see effort.
Right now.
No Effort.

Fuck him.
This is only to piss me off.
Which it isn't.
It's just making Emry confused.
And, Emry said to me, "I like that Nick wants to be my friend again mama."

I laughed and cried.

Klay is still daddy.
Which is good, in my eyes at least, because Klay is the best thing to happen to Emry.
To me too.


But, I have other things on my mind, but, my joints ache from all the typing of the day.

Maybe later.
We'll see.

I'll catch up on my reading (of my favvy blogs when I get home tonight... I miss you all dearly)

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

7 lbs - No More obsessing

Yesterday, was a MAJOR eye opener for me.
I
OBSESS
OVER
ANYTHING
I CAN
CONTROL

And since, in my world, there is NOTHING in my control... everything is pre-planned, pre-measured, pre-determined...
  • work
  • emry's school life
  • emry's home life
  • personal life....
I was obsessing over this weight loss. Over GETTING HEALTHY.
I just wanted to really HAVE SOMETHING OF MY OWN.

That was wrong.

And 7lbs may not sound like a lot to lose in one month... but, it means I only have 13 to go...
I lost it too fast, and I lost it the wrong way... OBVIOUSLY.
I got very sick, and my body did not have enough to sustain it.

I take a lot of supplements.
I don't list them all.. But I do.
Other than the Primose Oil... I take a LOT.
The little amounts of food I was eating... well, burned through all of that... leaving me with NOTHING for my body to use in order to restore a healthy medium...

NOT GOOD.

So, new plan.
Because my OCD needs plans.

I am cutting out the unnecessary supplements, leaving me with the Vitamins and the Primrose Oil (as needed).

I am not going to obsess over every calorie, I am at the month point of my weight loss journey.
I have seen what foods have worked for my satiation.
I have seen what foods have left my feeling emaciated.
I have seen what workouts leave me feeling energized, and the time of the day that I do them.
So, now that I know what works... I can continue the model.
I can add back some things, take away some others.
If I have a bad day.
SO FUCKING WHAT?
I will get back on the horse again.
I will be at my goal weight by April.
No doubt about it.
So, I'm going to take my time from here.
No reason to obsess.

How about everyone else?
Anyone have a Revelation they care to share?
Any criticism or advice for me?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Yahoo Tuesday... Balls to that

Stupid Facebook...Stop changing SHIT!


You know what I liked about myspace? Oh, yeah Zuckberg, I WENT THERE!
What I liked about myspace was that I could make it my own, ANY WAY I WANTED IT.
Gave everyone their own voice, and freedom to choose...

Just saying.

No Food Journal today, my insides became outsides again... Didn't go to work.
Which scares the shit out of me, because I shouldn't use time unless Emry needs me.
Vertigo stopped me from driving to work, and throwing up didn't make it any better.

Keep eating.
Keep feeling famished.

TAPEWORM?
God I hope not.
Sure feels like it though.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Daily Intake - Week 3 Day 7

Over the weekend. I was ill. Hell, it's Monday and I'm still under the weather. But, not so much that I can't get back on track. Just tired. So was Emry... but, you know, life goes on... the ever needed paycheck hanging in the balance.

Since I am sick, I am thinking of intaking more calories... Just so my body has something to fight the cold!

Breakfast:
Oatmeal - 120 calories
Yogurt - 100 calories
Total - 220 calories

Mid Day Snack -
Cheese and Cracker Dealie - 69 calories

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine - 300 Calories

Dinner:
Home-made Chicken Tikki Masala over Rice - 459 calories

After Dinner:
Yogurt : 100 calories

Total: 1,148 calories

Exercise:
15 minutes Eliptical (AM) - 102 calories
13 minutes Eliptical (PM) - 107 calories
30 minutes Filing - 85 calories
 Total Burned:  294 calories

Total Intake: 854 calories

Tired. So Tired.

As previously stated, I was (still am) sick.

I took my vitamins, and my supplements... and prayed for energy.

I had it.
I was okay.

Until lunch, in which I took my second round of supplements, and then went to the gym.
I used the treadmill for 15 minutes... nothing new there...
Got more water.... came back upstairs... went back to work.

Nothing New.
I swear.
No Karate Kickboxing Zumba ELITE class in-between.

However,
I'm shaking.
I feel awful.
I need more antihistimamine....
Or something.
I need comfort food, slippers and a blanket.

I popped a piece of gum thinking my blood sugar was crashing.
And still... well.... I feel like shit on rye.

Maybe I shouldn't have gone to the gym.
Maybe that was pushing it.
But, I don't want a small bug, to get me out of my weight loss goal.

But, alas, maybe I won't go again in 15 minutes....

In brighter news, and please everyone GOOD THOUGHTS AND WISHES ON THIS:

I, officially, submitted for the better position at work.
I revised my resume, wrote up a cover letter, and faxed it away before lunch.

I'm... Scared
I'm.... excited....
I'm... NERVOUS.

I have a job either way, so that's good news....
But, a better paying job?
That be just wonderful.
15 minutes closer to home?
That be EVEN BETTER!
An in house daycare facility (at a minimal TINY TINY fee) if your kid doesn't have school?
OH MY GOD, GIVE IT TO ME GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!!!!
(yes, that's how good this position sounds to me)

Oh, and someone told me, that this aspect of our company.. well, it's so ritzy, they give you FREE LUNCH.
************SCREECHING HALT******************
Yup.
That was just about an O face!

**giggles**

I always feel so much better talking with all of you.
What about everyone else?

How is everyone feeling?
Anything big happening in anyone's world?

Music Monday - 1/23/12



At last, after a long battle with Leukemia, and Dementia... Etta James has gone home, to be with the many wonderful artists who passed before her.

She will be greatly missed.

A tribute.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Daily Intake - Weekend #3 - Not Happening

I am a firm believer that when you are ill.. you feed the cold/flu

As I am at this moment, and was yesterday... I am not cataloging because I know that I overshot.. and I don't give a shit.

I'll start up again on Monday.

Hopefully I'll be better by then.

Sickly Yours
KVS

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Daily Intake - week 3 day 4

Breakfast:
Oatmeal - 120 calories

Snack:
Cheese/Cracker - 69 calories

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine - 240 calories
Small Salad (romaine, 3 tiny slices grilled chicken, balsamic dressing, red peppers, tomatoes) - 200 calories
Total: 440 calories

Dinner:
5 pieces Chuck E Cheese Pizza - 1,310 calories
2 smidgens - 120 calories
1,330 calories

Exercise:
Stationary Bike and Up-hill treadmill: 13 minutes - 119 calories

1,840 calories

Friday, January 20, 2012

Once again... HOW DID YOU FIND ME?

Beautiful vampire girl
devil lad girl
psychotic
red scary pig dog


Yup, the above words, are how people have come by my site today...

Most of the referring URL is from FACEBOOK... anyone here find me through their FACEBOOK?
Bueller?
Anyone?
Since, I can't view facebook from work, I can't backtrack the url search... intriguing though.


Friday - The post that should have been yesterday

This may not be perfectly written.
It may be riddled with mistakes.
Hell, it may not even make sense.
But, this is what I got to offer today...

I'm done.
I'm hurt.
I'm broken.
I can't move passed this moment.
I feel everything slipping away.
I want to better myself, for my son, for our stability.. I applied for a job within the same company, and my boss... well, I'm paying for it today.
Just little snide digs... re-do this spreadsheet, even though, for the purposes it is serving, my changes aren't actually important.
The initial spreadsheet was pointless I'm just going to keep beating you down until your submissive.
This is how I feel by the stupidity I have to deal with.
She's hot.
She's cold.
I feel like a bad kid.
I feel like I've been grounded.
LADY YOU NEED TO SHOVE IT.

I went home, for the 2nd bout of Nick-dinner with Emry.
He was late.
He brought food prepared by someone else.
He Boasted about using his sisters FOOD STAMPS.
I'm reporting them.
I swear to God, I AM NOT BENEATH REPORTING THEM.
It's sickening how trashy people abuse the system.
He pushed to stay later.
He pushed to go outside of the aggreement.
Which made me look really SHITTY to Emry.
He tried manipulating my son to call him Daddy, by referring to himself as that in the third person.

I went over to take care of Klay after Nick left and my dad got home.
He's sick.
I feel sick inside though...
I feel worse today....

Emry doesn't want "daddy" (meaning Klay) to come with us to dinner tonight.
He doesn't want him to come to his birthday anymore.
2 visits from the ex, and everything is upheaved.
I know... that soon.... Nick will slip up, and Emry will be broken again.

I looked at Emry and I told him I thought it was really crappy that he would give up daddy (meaning Klay)... after he had been there and loved him and cared for him. That it broke my heart. That Klay didn't deserve that.
Emry just stared blankly at me, and then cried.
He's confused.
I'm confused.
He's hurting.
I'm hurting.
He assumes that Nick will move back in....
Something Klay will not do.
I had to explain that NICK moving IN WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
That he isn't good for us.
That we will remain separated.... FOR OUR SAFETY (emry and I).

He just wants.
A DAILY FATHER.
I understand it.
I wanted a DAILY FAMILY.
Something I grieve with constantly.
Must be super hard for a 4 year old brain to comprehend.

I drove to work..
Feeling like shit.
Thinking about our morning.
My previous evening.
My previous work day.
What today would hold.

I thought about telling Klay that this weekend we should all be separate.
But, this turmoil... is something NICK is looking to happen.
I know it.
I'm so angry....

I look for help.
I look up.
I pray to whatever will listen.
I feel nothing.
There's no solice for me.
I just feel pain.
I just feel out of control.

I feel empty.
Primrose Oil Capsules NOT WORKING TODAY.

I don't want to diet today.
I want to eat crap ALL DAY.
Glad I don't have extra cash on me or else I would.

I feel my face ticking.
That's how upset I am.
Feel my eyes wattering up.
That's how upset I am.

I got nothing.

Just all this uncertainty.

And I don't deserve it.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Thursdacap - 1/19/2012

Long Day.

Boss gave me an useless project.

I found a promotion to apply for.
Which made my NOW boss sad/mad/god knows what....

But, more money... is MORE MONEY.

Nick came again.
Kept referring to himself in the third person as "daddy"
Which made Emry look around for Klay.


That shit has got to stop....
Manipulation?
Nice... Asshole.

Short post.
I'm exhausted...
And just feeling blechk.

Goodnight world.

Daily intake - week 3 day 3

Weekly Measurements:
Bust: 36"
Waist: 31.25" (down 1/4 of an inch)
Hip: 39.5"
Thigh: 22"

(not much improvement this week... but, at least I didn't go UP. That would be detrimental.. I'm actually curious about my weight... not that it matters, I've been eatting healthier, less, and I'm noticing a difference... In my skin for one... Less Junk, and my skin seems softer, and not a splotchy, like it has more of a moisture to it... Coincidence? I think not!)

Breakfast:
Low Sugar Instant Oatmeal: 120 calories
1/2 cup fresh fruit salad: 64 calories
Total: 184 calories

Mid-day snack SQUASHED BY THE EVIL BOSS LADY GIVING ME AN OOBER PROJECT. By time I could have had it... well, it was lunchtime.
Lunch:
Lean Cuisine - 240 calories

Dinner:
Pulled BBQ Pork over spinach salad with carrots, snap peas, red pepper - 251 calories

Water Intake: 30ozs.

Dessert:
yoplait light - 100 calories

Total Intake Calories: 775 calories

Exercise:
11 flights of stairs - 96 calories
30 minutes moderate walking - 90 calories
21 minutes Stationary Bike (NO Resistance) - 104 calories
5 minutes Bath time crunches - 27 calories
Total Burned: 317 calories

Total Daily: 458 calories

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Daily Intake - Week 3 day 2

I realize I didn't post my measurements yesterday, but, well, I lost my tailor's measuring tape... Need to get another one. I'll do that on the ride home tonight, and post it along with this article...


Breakfast:
Low Sugar Instant Oatmeal: 120 calories
(I had bought "Weight Management" intant oatmeal packets, and they were 40 extra calories. Why do you ask? Not sure, they had almost exactly the same ingredients and proportions... However, 3 or so more grams of fiber... Meh. I have no patience to understand this crap today! rofl)

Gum x 2 - 5 calories

Mid day snack:
Cheese and Cracker what not - 69 calories

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine Flatbread - 360 calories

Dinner:
Tuna salad w/ balsamic and olive oil dressing
Carrots, cherry tomatos, green snap peas and spinach
Total: 216.5 calories

Dessert:
Yoplait Light - 100 calories

Total Intake Calories: 801.5 calores

Water Intake: 40 ozs.

Exercise:
Random Work Activities (stairs, filing, walking, yada yada) - 128 calories

Total  Calories: 673.5 calories

YOU FOUND ME HOW?

"FUCK YOU I'M AN ANT EATER"

People found my blog 3 times (TODAY) by those search words.


WHAT?
HUH?
HOW?
CONFUSED?
ME TOO!

Image Detail

Let's remember young love

Has anyone watched this?

These teens are high school freshmen in a local school district.

Can anyone remember the epic romance of FRESHMAN YEAR?
Or TEEN LOVE?

It's a tad creepy....
I heard an interview with one of their mothers.. they've been dating since SEPTEMBER.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...........


I personally think this is adorable.

Wednesday - I'm exhausted

Last night...
The ex....

SHOWED UP.

He actually showed up for a scheduled dinner with Emry.

Yes, he brought fast food, and used to excuse that he didn't have money for REAL food, or time to make anything....
But, nonetheless, he came.

Emry kept doing funny things like calling him daaa--Nick. Quickly changing what he wanted to call him.
When Klay came to give him a bath, Emry announced to Klay, "NICK'S HERE!" (as if to say, he actually showed) I found it funny, and so did Klay.
Nick tried saying things to him like, "Next time I come, may be we could do THIS after dinner." and Emry would turn around and asked Klay, "Daddy, tomorrow, can we do this?"
I swear, my 4 year old was taking digs at his biological father... and in a polite and curt way saying... "I don't need you, we can be friends, but this guy here, is my dad."

And, you know what? GOOD FOR EMRY.
He wasn't rude.
He wasn't mean.
He accepted the company.
But, made it very clear that he hadn't forgot about ANYTHING.

Good for him.

Emry got to bed a little later than usual.
But, he woke up fine, and we had conversations about the night before.

Such a good boy.
I love my kid.

The only thing that I did NOT approve of.. Was Nick trying to tell Emry about what he should do for his birthday party.
Go-Karting... in MARCH.... Every year on Emry's birthday.. it's been 30 degrees.
And all the places by us do not start the Go-Karting Season.. until... well.... SPRING CONDITIONS.

I nipped it in the bud fast.
Let Emry know it would be too cold, and that we would do it when the Spring came.
And gave Nick the look.

How dare you come in, on the very first time seeing your kid since JULY and try to impliment ANYTHING.
And, are YOU paying for ANY OF THIS?
No absolutely not.
Shut up.
Don't speak.
Just be nice to my kid.

Grrrr.......
So, Emry and I, during our conversation this morning, discussed that we need to make a definite plan for his birthday, and that he shouldn't rely on Nick for that plan. If he comes, cool, but otherwise, let't not plan something around him. Not until we can trust him.
Emry agreed, and I think I'll print out some ideas, and present them to him.

Give him options.

And, keep it within a price range that won't bankrupt me.


What's good for a 5 year old birthday party?
Any suggestions?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Daily Intake - Week 3 Day 1

Breakfast:
Yoplait Light- 100 calories
Glucose Tab - 15 calories
Total: 115 cal

Mid-Day Snack:
2 Flatbread Wheat Thin Crackers - 60 calories
1 Tsp Flavored Boursin Light Cheese - 9 calories
TOTAL: 69 calories

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine - 230 calories


Dinner:
Soup1/2 cup - 87.5 cal


Dessert: yoplait light 100 calories

Water Intake: 40 ozs.


Daily Calorie Intake: 601.5 calories

Exercise:
4 Flights of Stairs (just down)  : 35 calories
30 minutes moderate walking: 90 calories
10.5 minutes eliptical - 81 calories
Walking in Place (while doing the filing project) 15 minutes: 45.75 calories
14 minutes eliptical - 103 calories
Total Burned Calories:  354.75

Total Daily Calories: 246.75 calories

(this is not enough for the day... I probably will add something else tonight... that'll bring me up to at least 500 calories... I don't want to wake up feeling weak tonight.)

Obsessing? Yes. - PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!

I've seen my numbers drop DRASTICALLY over the past 3 weeks.
Is it because that I have been OBSESSING about my weight loss?
Food Journaling EVERY day?

Be honest.

**nods**
I knew it.

I'm sorry if my posts have been lacking.
I really am determined to look and feel better about myself.
Take pride in MYSELF.

And, yes, I am obsessing about the food.
I just want to see how much portion control affects my weight.

I just want to see on what days my body feels FANTABULOUS and what days it feels like shit.

I think at the month point, I will only document the exercise... and the total daily calories. Not exactly (to the last glucose tab) what I'm intaking.

I'm not fat.
I'm chunky.
I'm out of shape.
I am responding well to mild exercise, and a healthy portion size.

I realize that I compensate food, for happiness.
I find that when I am emotional... I eat crap.
Which isn't good.
I need to learn how to pick myself up.
Also, what dieting is helping me to do.

I've learned that vitamins work.
I've learned that, my couch is a haven for snacking.
I've learned that, I'm not alone.

I've read dozens of blogs of women trying to lose the pounds and find themselves in the process.

I have a good hold on who I am.
I just don't have a good hold on how to keep myself there.
Not turning to food...
Not turning to unnecessary comforting...
Is showing me how to handle my problems.

Who would have thought countless food journaling would open such a doorway!

So, please, don't lose faith in me.
I'm here.
I'm bouncing back.
I'm becoming stronger.

Help me.
Give me ideas.
Give me praise.
Give me criticism.

Tell me 3 blogs that you love and why.
Tell me 3 things you HATE about my blog.
Tell me 3 things you ADORE about my blog.
Tell me 3 things you want to READ about on my blog.


I love my blog family.
I love my blog.
And, I love myself.

 Now, come on, it's time you all love me too (just kidding... kind of.... start commenting!)

Yahoo Tuesday - Golden Globes REVEALED

Golden Globes Gossip

(this is my opinion to the "authors" writing...twit)
  1. Morgan Freeman - YOU were the only one wondering about the Glove. Be honest. Any fan of Mr. Freeman, knew about his hand, and the reason for the glove... However, your reason about it happenening DUE to a car accident, is a tad... well....... WRONG. Check your facts kiddo... and then get back to gym class... You write like your a Teenage Girl.
  2. No one could read - Several reasons, Teleprompter problems, the fact they are ALL LIT at the Golden Globes. Does no one remember Tom Hanks saying "It must have been the coke." right on live television? Must have been about 4 years back.
  3. Michelle Williams - You have to be a moron not to know that Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips are friends... DAWSONS CREEK TWIT... DAWSONS CREEK.
  4. Uggie - Really? **rolls eyes**
Why is it these gossip columnists have NO brains?
I would have ran with this article, and drew points to so many other FUNNY things.
I would have used this as my platform for STAND UP COMEDY, or WHO I THOUGHT SHOULD HAVE WON...
Not a........"I have no idea what to write, but I'll type about things that I was confused about, because I am a mindless twit"

Monday, January 16, 2012

Daily Intake - Week 2 day 7

Breakfast:
2 slices White Pizza w/ Spinach and Hot Sauce: 640 calories
(Didn't really want to watch my intake today... I have a day off, and I've been really good.. but, this, upset my stomach something fierce... so.. I took that as a sign NOT to eat crap the rest of the day)

Lunch:
Yoplait light: 100 calories

Dinner:
Spaghetti w/ Meatballs, 1/2 piece garlic bread - 870 calories

Water Intake: 20ozs.

Exercise: pfffft.. I'm only doing this at work. Which is sad, But, I'll figure it out at home....


Total Intake: 1,610 calories

Music Mondays - 1/16/12

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Daily Intake - Weekend #2 - Week 2 Day 6

Breakfast:
(Dad made it, I couldn't say no...)
Bacon, Egg, Cheese on Buttered Bread - 441 calories


Lunch:
Lean Cuisine: 290 calories
Chocolate Raspberry Smidgen: 60 cal
Total: 350 cal

Dinner:
Spaghetti w/ Meatballs, 1/2 piece garlic bread - 870 calories

Water Intake: 30ozs

Total Calorie Intake: 1,660 calories

Made it through another weekend without going over in calories... However, I need to find a way to work out more during the weekend... It's getting too cold outside to walk... hmmmm... I'll brainstorm this week.

Daily Intake - Weekend #2 - Week 2 Day 5

Breakfast:
I-HOP Simple and Fit Hash Brown Stack: 570 calories

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine: 230 calories

Dinner:
1.5 cup buffalo chicken mac n cheese: 868.5 calories
(we made it on our cooking date... It was so good, and so you know, we bought dessert too, and DIDN'T EAT it.) 

Water Intake: 30ozs.

Total Intake Calories: 1,668.5 calories

Exercise:
10 minutes vacuuming - 40 calories
Cleaning Bathrooms (30min) - 143 calories
Total: 183 calories

Total Daily Calories: 1,485.5 calories

Friday, January 13, 2012

Daily Intake - week 2 day 4 (editted)

Breakfast:
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1/2 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple, Strawberries) - 17.5 Cal
1/8 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 14 Cal
Total: 31.5 calories
(I think I have grown tired of the same breakfast for the past two weeks, need to brain storm another healthy low cal option... Any suggestions?)


Mid-Day Snack:
2 Flatbread Wheat Thin Crackers - 60 calories
1 Tsp Flavored Boursin Light Cheese - 9 calories
TOTAL: 69 calories
(Doesn't taste as good as goat cheese, but I needed I different flavor.. 2 weeks of anything gets boring... But, cheese and crackers can always be interchanged!)

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine: 300 calories
Yoplait Light Yogurt: 100 calories
Glucose Tab: 5 cal
Total: 405 calories

Dinner:
Cheese Spinach Red pepper Bread - 213 cal
1 cup pan cooked green beans - 100 cal
Total: 313 cal

Total Daily Intake: 818.5

Water Intake: 40ozs.

Exercise:
Walking in Place (while doing the filing project) 15 minutes: 45.75 calories
14 minutes on eliptical - 108 calories
13 minutes on eliptical - 102 calories

Total Burned Calories: 255.75 calories

Total Daily Calories: 562.25

Late Night Snack:
(actually more of a meal)
Turkey and Cheese Sandwich, White Bread: 400 cal

Total Daily Editted Calories: 962.5 calories

Real Woman. Real Bodies - REPOST IF YOU BELIEVE THIS TOO!

The fashion industry has just labeled a SIZE 6 as a PLUS SIZED FIGURE.

Image Detail

Real women have curves

Image Detail

Real Women have a something other than skin and bone

Image Detail

Just in case anyone had forgotten... Stick thin... is unhealthy...

Image Detail

Women do NOT look like small children

Image Detail
OR SKELETONS


That is all.

If you believe this... PLEASE LINK IT IN YOUR BLOG.
Let's pass it on.

Perhaps it'll get somewhere important...
Perhaps someone in the "Fashion Industry" will take notice.


Think about your daughters, neices, granddaughters, friends' kids....
Do you want them growing up in a world that SUPPORTS this image?

Friday Potluck Post - 1/13/2012

Things are funny...
Like when your ex-husband nonchalantly mentions that he spoke with your stalker and asked him (like they're still buddies), "What happened?"

Really?
You would risk stirring up a whole bunch of drama... just so it would cause ALL in question pain?
First, I only believe he spoke with this guy 50%............
Second, the only reason why I'm on the fence about it, is what he said the stalkers' reaction was. Which was to shake his head and walk away.
Third, let's say you did talk with him, and it made him upset, and made him call... or approach me... You really don't care about your kid or our well-being ... do you?
Fourth, I know that's all over and done with... but you never know what someone can stir up, just because they HATE you.
Fifth, I hate my ex husband.

**ROLLS EYES**

And, if you (yes, V, you) are reading this. Nick's a tool, I think it's something we can both agree on. No harm, No foul. . . Let's go on with our peaceful non-co-existence... deal?

MOVING FORWARD....

Yesterday, since I worked out double as much than I usually do, so my calorie intake was really low.... I woke up starving.
But, the fruit is no longer DOING IT for me... so, I need to find another option.

ANYONE?
BUELLER?

I am going to eat a bigger lunch, I'll add a yogurt or something...

Today, I have the plumber coming to fix my boiler.
And, I have to talk to Emry about Nick.... So, we'll see...
I just want today to go quickly, so that I can go to sleep.


My sister and I may get together this weekend, and I will get to meet her new foster kid.
A 15 year old girl, who wishes she was home....
= (
But, is acting all the wrong way about it...
My sister seems to be doing great with her..
I'm really proud of her.

It'll all depends on everyone and their schedules.

And I suggested to Klay, that we should do a cooking date this weekend.
In which we find a super great recipe, and then make it together!
Sounded like fun to me, and he seemed to dig it too.

That's all I really got....

OH WAIT.
NO IT ISN'T

BE PROUD.
ALL OF YOU... STARTING BEAMING.

This morning, in our most hectic time... Emry spilled an entire glass of juice.
Normally, I am so stressed in the morning and overtired.. that I freak a little.
Today.
Not at all.
I smiled, I told him it was okay.
I cleaned it up.

I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!

BE PROUD TOO!

♪♫♪♫

Have a great day people.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Daily Intake - Week 2 Day 3

Breakfast:
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple, Strawberries) - 35 Cal
1/4 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 26 Cal
Total: 61 calories

Mid-Day Snack:
2 Flatbread Wheat Thin Crackers - 60 calories
1 Tsp Flavored Goat Cheese - 9 calories
TOTAL: 69 calories

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine Pizza - 350 calories (really high calories but PIZZA.....)

Dinner:
1.25 cup Campbell's Chicken Wonton Soup: 87.5 cal
1/2 cup sauteed spinach with garlic and red pepper: 65 cal
Total: 152.5 calories

Dessert:
Yoplait Light: 100 calories

Total Intake: 732.5

Water Intake: 50 ozs.

Exercise:
Walking in Place (while doing the filing project) 30 minutes: 91.5 calories
Eliptical 15 minutes: 110 calories
Eliptical 14 minutes: 100 calories
Total Burned Calories: 301.5

Total Calories for day:  431

Which completely makes up for yesterdays travesty. 
And oddly enough I am not starving...
Yeah Exercise! 

Thursdacap - 1/12/12

So last night:

Meeting with the Ex and SPOILING my diet... all in one.
I understand why after Emry I kept the weight on. . . . . I ate to remain calm. I ate to be happy.. and not one to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY WITH ANY OBJECT CLOSE ENOUGH TO GRAB.

I'll exercise a lot more today. It'll equal out. Will not lose focus in that respect.

Nick is devastatingly small... his face gaunt.
He said all the right things, as he usually does.
He had no real answers, as he usually doesn't.
But, he came, was there before me, was open to a civil conversation.

He looked at Emry's physical progression over the past year... via photos.
He read letters written by those close to Emry... about his mental/emotional state.
He cried when he read my fathers.

He attests to do better.
He wants to come to dinner once/twice during the week, and see where that takes us.

(no where quick, I'll tell you that)

But, the one stipulation:
"I will bring this up to Emry, and if he doesn't want to do it, you have to wait until he does."

And that's it.
That he had to accept it.

That he had to be prepared (if Emry wanted to see him) to be called Nick, not daddy. Be prepared for Emry's questions and give him honest replies.
He had to be prepared that his answers wouldn't be good enough and that Emry would ask him to leave.

We discussed every aspect of this.
Positive and Negative.

But, it all rests on Emry.

I thank everyone for their support, and kind words..... They all were helpful. They all gave me strength.

And, I came home... to Klay.
Who had picked Emry up from school, and allowed for me to properly prepare for my "meeting".
But, had left, when I had left.... I didn't expect for him to be home when I got there.


But there he was.
On my couch.
Waiting for me.

Told me he loved me.
And was silently supportive.

*shrugs*

And that... is how the cookie crumbles.

Daily Intake - week 2 day 2

2nd Week Measurements:
  • Bust: 36"
  • Waist:  31" (lost 1")
  • Hip: 39 1/2" (lost 1/2")
  • Thigh: 22" (I think there was a measuring error last week, because there's no way my thigh jumped up two inches in a week... so we'll say that I was a 22" thgh last week too.) 

Breakfast:
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple, Strawberries) - 35 Cal
1/4 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 26 Cal
Total: 61 calories

Mid-Day Snack:
2 Flatbread Wheat Thin Crackers - 60 calories
1 Tsp Flavored Goat Cheese - 9 calories
TOTAL: 69 calories

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine - 290 cal

Dinner: 
Diner Appetizer Platter: estimated at - 850 calories
(I was with my ex, food made me feel calmer... I know it's a problem... shoot me)

Total Intake: 1,270 calories

Water Intake: 35 ozs.

Exercise:
Going down 8 flights of stairs once -  70 calories


Total Calories: 1,200 calories


(I WANT TO NOTE THE SHITTINESS OF WEDNESDAY)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Meeting with my ex

I am meeting with my ex tonight, to discuss my son.

Everyone surrounding my son seems to think that Nick's prescence is a bad one.
That he will not committ to Emry, and that Emry will start to downward spiral again.
He's too young to go through this grief.

**pouts**

I'm nervous to meet with him.
I am nervous that I will not be able to keep my composure.
I take my sons well-being very seriously.

We meet at 8p tonight, at a local diner.
I've let Klay and my father know exactly where, and when to expect me home.
I don't think Nick is violent... or would do something stupid in public.
But... he's not right... hasn't been since he got back.
I'm just worried.

Uplifting words please?

Wednesdays Black Hole of a Topic

I think I'm going to come up with LOSER titles for Wednesday Posts.

Why?

Because Wednesday is the most shit-tastic day of the week.
You know it.
I know it.

And, honestly, I can never hold a topic on a Wednesday.
Not even a little one.

On a Brighter Note..
Emry's legs are responding to the Corticosteroids and Antibiotic Creams... His eczema seems to be disappearing... I also read a testimonial from a 14 year old boy that said swimming in the ocean cured his legs of eczema. So what did I do? Yup. You guessed it... I put salt water into his bath. Not sure if it is having any effect... but, I can dream it is... It couldn't hurt!

I spent the night trying not to talk with Klay.
I'm sad.
and hurt.
About the conversation, with Klay About Emry's legs, About the fact that I spend probably 3 hours a day with my kid during the week.... About the ex... Trying to say that my HATRED of him is why I don't want him to see my son. (I can separate those things. If he was trying to be a real father, I wouldn't have a problem... but, he's a deadbeat, and he knows it. Said I was going to get an email yesterday, never happened.)

I got off topic, didn't I? So, I tried to not talk with Klay, but then, as I lay in bed... All the thoughts swirling through my head... I touched where he should be... I couldn't help it. I texted. I tried to have a conversation... to no avail. He must have been half conscious.... Doesn't matter.

I have a conversation with you people, every day. And I get the best advice and the strongest feedback here.

I have book club at work this afternoon... There's going to be a guest speaker, talking about HUMAN TRAFFICKING.
Oh joy.. what a depressing topic.
**SIGHS**

Some uplifting speech would be so appreciated right now..... Anyone have some?

I am starting to look for jobs in my area... closer to home... Hopefully I can find one within the pay grade I am in... I will not go back to retail. I will not do this, and make drastically less. I know my worth, now I just got to keep my eyes open.

Being closer to home would take away a lot of this stress, on Emry and myself.
He's always asking if I can pick him up ON TIME from school.
I can't.
But, if I worked closer to home... I could put him on a school bus, or drop him OFF at regular time.
That would be nice. He could sleep 2 hours more in the morning.

We'll see.
Keep your fingers crossed people.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Daily Intake - week 2 day 1

Breakfast
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple, Strawberries) - 35 Cal
1/4 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 26 Cal
Total: 61 calories

Mid Day Snack
2 Flatbread Wheat Thin Crackers - 60 calories
1 Tsp Flavored Goat Cheese - 9 calories
TOTAL: 69 calories

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine: 260 cal

In Between Snack:
1 piece gum - 2.5 calories

Dinner:
Red Pepper, Spinach, Garlic, Mozzerella Cheese Bread x 2 - 426 cal
Salad Kit 1 serving : 97 cal
Total:  523 calories

Dessert:
Yoplait Light: 100 calories

Daily Calorie Intake: 1,015.5 calories

Water Intake: 30 ozs.

Exercise:
Stairs (down only) and walking 30 minutes: 180 calories
Crunches/Hip Extensors 5 minutes: 35 calories

Total Daily Calories:  800.5 calories

Tuesday - 1/10/12 - Second Post

This is a follow up post to THIS POST... well the reasoning for it.

I'm upset.. still.
Not like over the moon, complete bitchery...
However, I am hurt.

Klay knew there was something wrong when he came to check in on Emry at lunchtime.
And went he came to pick up his stuff from the weekend, after work.
(You see what I mean, he's always with us... which makes his NO... kind of unbearable.)

Normally, we wouldn't bump into each other if I was at work, and Emry at school.
But, you know, sick kid and all.. we were home..... Eczema sucks by the way.
IT SUCKS BAD.

So, he kept asking me if I was okay. Telling me that I looked miserable... My face was reflecting thus. I am not going to verbally respond to him about this, it's his decision and I have to respect that.
I said I was fine.
I said that I was worried about Emry.
So, in part, I lied.

But, then, Emry went to bed.
And without me wanting it.. Klay snuggled up against me on the couch.

I take energy work very seriously. (If you don't then think of it as someone who can calm you down, EVEN if your blood is boiling about them)
I am 5th Generation Reiki Master, and an Empathic Healer.
(If it paid the bills, I'd Massage and do Energy Work Full-Time... but it doesn't.)
When Klay knows I am upset... He generates his energy. He tries to silently calm me, and put me in a better place.
I know it.
And I"m pretty sure he knows it too.

Before I could stop it.
I was calm, and okay with everything.
And I knew I had been played.
And, as soon as I was calm... and mushy...
He left.

Seriously.

**rolls eyes**

I slept fine.
I am still upset, but not in a way that I can't bluff through it better, the next time we interact.

Will I get over this?
I'm not sure.
But, right now.
IT Feels crappy.
IT Feels cruddy.

and... I don't want to be over it.
I don't want to see the chance for it in the future.
I don't want to leave him.
I just...
Well......

I want what I want.
I want what I dream of... and what I deserve.

It just might not be Klay.
You can't make anyone be who you want them to be.
I'm not one to force anyone to be anyway...
It's wrong.
So...
Perhaps....
Depending on how long this hurts...
Maybe it's done.
Maybe it was a "right now" thing... and not a "forever" thing.
What ever it was... it was sure beautiful and safe.

I need to be open to this option.
and I guess so does he.

Yahoo Tuesday - 1/10/12 - Rules of Tipping

Just incase you get confused about tipping.

I try to always tip a waiter 15%, and sometimes that's hard to figure out (unless your phone as an EZ-Tip Calculation). If you don't, I find that rounding the tax up to the nearest dollar amount and doubling it, usually gets you close to 15%.

Barista... Coffee Maker... Gets HOURLY MINIMUM WAGE PAY. Waitresses and Bartenders do not.
My opinion on that one... Tip if you think they make your coffee/bagel exceptional quick and exceptionally well.. without any snark or attitude.

Bartenders.... First Drink, Tip well. Especially if you intend to get more. 2nd and 3rd drink, don't tip, you've already given them insentive that you'll leave them a tip before you leave. Last drink... Take an average of how many drinks you've had... and then times that number by 2. That's your total tip. Deduct what you gave on the first drink... and that's what the Bartender gets.

If you have HORRIBLE SERVICE, so bad, that in fact it infuriates you... DO NOT TIP. Send a message. Also, after you pay, ask to see a manager, and explain why you aren't tipping. How will they know their Waiter/Waitress was horrible if you don't tell them.
No one made them work at a restaurant, they applied.
Just saying.
But, make sure you are as polite as possible about it... if you ever plan on returning to said restaurant.

That's my two cents.

Any input on this subject?
Any funny waiter stories?
Have you ever been a waiter/waitress?

I want to know!!!!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Daily Intake - Week 1 Day 7

Breakfast
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple, Strawberries) - 35 Cal
1/4 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 26 Cal
Total: 61 calories

Lunch
Lean Cuisine Asian Pot Stickers - 260 cal
Total 260 cal

Snack:
1/4 cup Sauteed String Beans - 11 calories

Dinner:
Stuffed Meatloaf 1 piece: 316 cal
Onion Roll:  150 cal
Total: 466 cal

Dessert:
Yoplait Light: 100 cal

Water Intake: 30 ozs.

No Exercise:

Total Intake:898 calories

Music Mondays - 1/9/2012


Evanesence - My Heart is Broken



We are the Fallen - Sleep Well My Angel

Let's just go there.
There is meaning.

I am feeling a little broken today.
As I kind of knew I was going to feel it.
I was "ready", and I did chicken out during our decadent dinner the other night.
The night was too perfect, I didn't want to spoil it with a question that I knew was going to be ill-received.

However,
this morning, as Klay and I laid in bed, waiting for him to leave for work...(I'm home today, I have to take Emry to the doctor, his eczema has gone unchecked for too long. Appointment at 11a)
I asked him.
And, there is no chance of him ever living in this house with us.
It's too small.
"I don't think it would work."
Which means ... well.. Never.
I would have to win the LOTTO to be able to get out of this house, and then AFFORD to move into a bigger house.
So.
Never.
He will never be a permanent fixture in our reality.
It will always be... THIS WAY.

Is that awful?
Not Really.
He's here when we need him...
My problem... I am feel the need for him A LOT.

I understand he probably doesn't get, that I just can't leave a house I own...
And that selling a house and buying a new house is a big undertaking.
Yes, he could buy his own house, and we could live there... And I could leave my dad here...
But, that's not the plan... Dad needs my help too. Financially he needs a second person to help with this house.
So... I'm stuck....
And, feeling broken.
I tried not to show it on my face, when Klay told me THIS *motions around the house* will never be an option.
But, I have a feeling he knew.
I won't say anything.
I can't.
I was prepared for all of this.

However,
due to the estrogen thing, and the fact I am hurt... I can say that I'm going to be the most pleasant girlfriend for the next couple of days...
I'll try to avoid the bitchery... but, Come on... We all know how much it sucks to be so hopeful for something, and then gain knowledge that it's not going to happen.

It sucks.
It hurts.

Klay and I have this daydream about owning a cabin in the woods, close enough to civilization that we can go grocery shopping or to a Barnes and Noble... But far enough away that the stars are pure at nighttime, and that the cars don't dominate the outdoor sounds.

**shakes head**

That is something I know will never happen either.
I am quite defeated... can't you tell?
How can a great man, have such a fatal flaw....
How can this be the GREATEST level of commitment I will ever get.
I know I'm never getting proposed too... even though it would just restore my feelings of love and fate... and all that girly stuff....
I know that I will never share a home with the man I love.
It's just something that I need to really get a hold of. 

NO more daydreaming.
NO more pretending.
NO more eluding the truth.

It is what it is.

Don't take it for granted.
Just keep working towards my own goals.
Don't make fake ones that will never happen.
Work towards things I want... Things I need....
For Emry and I...
It will always be just Emry and I.

And, I am okay with that.
I should have never assumed that I, of all people, would get a knight on a white horse.
Never happened before, will never happen anyway.
I make my own way.
How it has to be.

**nods**

Anyone else just feeling emotionally, mentally spent?


I think this weekend, even with the snacking, I was able to keep my calorie intake under control.
I am proud of that.
This new body image, weight/measurement loss, is what I will focus on... It's what I can control.
It's what I need.

Daily Intake - Weekend 1 - Week 1 Day 6

Breakfast:
Yoplait Greek Yogurt, Peach at Bottom with Granola: 140 cal
8 oz. Hot Tea: 0 cal

Lunch
Leftovers: 256 cal

Snacking:
Green beans 3 quarter cuts - 9 cal
Strawberries 2 - 4 cal
Pineapples 2 chunks - 2 cal
Red Pepper, Spinach, Garlic, Mozzerella Cheese Bread - 213 cal
Total: 228 cal

Dinner:
Stuffed Meatloaf 1 piece: 316 cal
Salad Kit 1 serving : 97 cal
Total: 413 calories

Total Intake: 1,037 calories

Exercise:
Walking 15 minutes (moderate pace): 79 calories
Vigorous Workout 45min: 180 cal
Total Burned: 259 cal

Water Intake: 30 ozs.

Overall Calories:  778 calories

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Daily Intake - Weekend # 1 - Week 1 Day 5

So as you can all see, I had to ADD dessert onto last nights intake post. Still didn't go over my calories. So, not so bad. However, the first little junk I had all week resulted in horrible stomach conditions... **pouts** Which makes me not want to eat ANY junk at all this weekend...

My stomach is really messed up today, so I'm not sure how much eating I will do.
It's amazing how your body reacts to crap food, when you haven't had it all week.
Makes you curious of how your body normally handles it, and what junk does to your insides allowing it to be processed without pain.

Breakfast
8 oz. Hot Oolong Tea - 0 cal
1 Large Hard Boiled Egg - 78 cal
1 piece White Toast - 64 cal
3 pads butter (my dad made the toast with extra butter, there was no way out of it): 60 cal
Total: 202

Mid Day Snack: None

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine Steamer Meal - 300 cal

Dinner: (estimated due to the decadence... I didn't even eat half of my meal...)
1 glass dark beer: 320 cal
1/2 glass red wine: 102 cal
1 duck quesadilla wedge: 208 cal
1 candied walnut, apple, onion endive: 90 cal
5 Tbsp roasted garlic creme soup: 20 cal
2 venison medallions: 78 cal
3 Tbsp wilted spinach in butter: 10 cal
3 Tbsp fontina polenta: 25 cal
Total: 878 calories

Water Intake: 30 ozs.

Total daily intake: 1380 cal

Exercise: Nope.. other than fork to mouth... Nothing.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Daily Intake - week 1 day 4 (editted)

Breakfast
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1.5 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple) - 52.5 Cal
1/2 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 52 Cal
16 oz. - Hot Green Tea - 0 Cal
TOTAL: 104.5 calories

Mid Day Snack
2 Flatbread Wheat Thin Crackers - 60 calories
1 Tsp Flavored Goat Cheese - 9 calories
TOTAL: 69 calories

Lunch
Lean Cuisine- Grilled Chicken Ceaser - 240 calories
(Everyone else ordered Chinese... I refrained. Klay emailed me about this time to tell me we should go out to TWO dinners this weekend. Had to turn that down. This is beginning to suck ass).

Dinner:
1/4 cup white rice: 61 calories
1 bowl Lentil/Meat/Vegetable Soup - 350 cal
4 queso con carne trumpets: 200 cal
Total: 601 calories

Dessert
1 Ice Cream Cake Bite (Baskin Robbins, I couldn't help it) - 300 cal

Total Daily Intake: 1,314.5 cal

Water Intake: 30 ozs.

Exercise
4 Flights of Stairs (going down): 35 calories
10 minutes on eliptical : 90 calories
5 minutes crunches/hip extensors: 35 calories
Total Calories Burned: 160 cal

Total Daily Calorie Count: 1,154.5 cal

Happy Friday - 1/6/12

Emry was PUNCHED in the FACE yesterday at recess.
**ROLLS EYES**

I received the call right before I left work.
"<Emry> is okay, he isn't hurt, there isn't a bruise."

But, it sounds like an anger problem from a new student.

*shrugs*

There wasn't a mark on him, and I had to have the conversation with Emry AGAIN, that if someone puts their hands on you, you push them away and scream THAT'S NOT OKAY.
He doesn't get it.
"Mama, I don't want to hurt any one."
I try to explain that pushing away some one who plans to hit you repeatedly isn't wrong, that it's only him defending himself.

I get the "OKAY mama...." and I know that he understands, but probably will not follow through.

I really want to smack these kids in the butt... I'm not a corporal punishment person.. I think it can go out of hand, real fast... However, a spanking for bad behavior, that's just something I don't see a problem with.
Children need to learn what their boundaries are. Simple as that.

Moving on...

Klay had some family things to do yesterday afternoon, so he was unable to pick up Emry from school. (I had asked if he could due to the incident, and that Emry was still in latchkey with the aggressor).
He asked what had happened, and I didn't want to tell him, because I knew it would take him away from his very important family matter. But, I told him Emry was fine and not to worry about it. Didn't think he'd be over at all, so I'd text him later. He showed up WAY before Emry went to bed. Good guy. Such a good guy. Helped with bath time, and then tried to tempt me with food... Bad boyfriend.... BAD BOYFRIEND. I stayed strong.

I am really committed to this. I think that in a month, I may be able to slim down to a comfortable level. As long as I continue with the mild eating, and the moderate movement.

I have this image of what I look like. In a mirror from the waist up, I can see that woman. Then, in a full length... I see someone else. It's a little defeating. And the thing is... I'm not insanely overweight. I am, 20 lbs... if that.... It's not awful. It's just there. 20lbs would put me UNDER what the recommended BMI is for my body. Now as I said, that weight doesn't matter, as long as the inches melt away... MELT QUICKLY INCHES MELT DAMN YOU!

What bothers me now is: THE WEEKENDS!!!!

During the week it is easy for me to portion control.
I am here, at work, I have things to do.
At home.
Yeah, there's the cleaning... yeah, I can read.. But I swear, it feels like ME and the FRIDGE.

I need to figure out how to handle them.
What kind of foods to keep in the house.
Should I do the Lean Cuisine's for lunch?
Should I go a tad bigger in calories on the weekend, to keep me away from the Junk?
Because on a whole, I'm not even at the halfway point for calories.
So, I have a lot of room to wiggle.

Hmmmmmm............. Need Advice. ANYONE GOT SOME ON THIS SUBJECT?

Work is really slow today.
I here the dreaded filing project CALLING my name.
It's screaming at me.
And I'm ignoring it.
I hate IT.
I wish I could listen to my iPOD while my boss was in the office.
I made lots of progress when I did that.
Just me and the files.


I really need to get started, it's becoming apparent that I am not working.

**SIGHS**

Until later.

 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Daily Intake - week 1 day 3

So not only do I bear my soul here... but I bear the most intimate details. My sex life? Oh no... I... well, I'd blush to much to write about that. I'm sharing my ACTUAL measurements. Which upon look at them, aren't so bad. So here we go.

Measurements (in inches):
Bust: 36
Waist: 32
Hip: 40
Thigh: 20

Goal Measurements:
That's a toughy, I don't remember what my measurements were before I had my son.
Nor do I know what ACCEPTABLE measurements are. But let's just say:

B: 36 (I like that one)
W: 28
Hip: 30-32
Thigh: 16-18
Not drastic drops, but still... I can't wait to see the journey it takes to get there.
I can do it.
I am motivated

Week1 Day 3
Breakfast
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple) - 35 Cal
1/4 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 26 Cal
14 oz. - Hot Green Tea - 0 Cal
TOTAL: 61 calories

Mid Day Snack
2 Flatbread Wheat Thin Crackers - 60 calories
1 Tsp Flavored Goat Cheese - 9 calories
TOTAL: 69 calories

Lunch
Lean Cuisine - 350 calories

After Lunch:
HOT GREEN TEA - 0 cal.

(SIDE NOTE: You will be pleased to know there was another BIRTHDAY CAKE this afternoon, and I resisted that too. I am DYING here. I REALLY WANTED THAT CAKE.)

Dinner:
1/4 cup white rice: 61 calories
1 bowl Lentil/Meat/Vegetable Soup - 350 cal
Total: 401 calories

After Dinner:
Yoplait Light - 100 cal

Daily Calorie Intake: 981
Total Water intake: 45oz.

Daily Exercise: (a lot of miscellaneous today without going to the gym, the elevators were broken for half the day, and then I had to post bulletins around the building.)
8 Flights of Stairs (up and down): 85 calories
4 Flights of Stairs (just down) x 2 : 70 calories
30 minutes moderate walking: 90 calories
5 minutes crunches/hip extension exercises: 35 calories

Overall Calories: 735 cal

Thursdacap - 1/5/2012

Temptation resisted: Bagels set out in our break room (for ANOTHER birthday) and cream cheese and BUTTER. Cut into halves... So I could have easily taken a 1/4th of a bagel. I didn't. Proud? I'm proud.
(No wonder why I was gaining weight. Every day seems like a party here.)

I lost a follower.. but I can't tell who... Where'd you go? Who WERE YOU? **POUTS**
Maybe the dieting got to you?
It'll get to some.
But, if you see the title of the post has to do with my food journaling... don't click on it.

Let's recap on my week....
Work has been good.
I am still feeling really good.
I have been having headaches though.
I wonder if that's my bodies way of responding to the lack of GORGING MYSELF... and the lack of caffeine cut out from the occasional soda and DAILY coffee (10oz. flavored coffee, 3 creamers and 3 sugars.. I KNOW RIGHT?). Probably. That's what I think it is.
My body will figure it out, that we are going back to the way we were... PE........Not Physical Education.. Pre-Emry.

Later on tonight, when I post the daily food journaling, I am also posting my measurements.
Bust, Waist, Hip, Thigh. My arms are oddly small for someone who has this level of curvature... So, they aren't in a goal area, so why MEASURE THEM!

Off track... Getting back.

Emry's eczema is out of control, is legs are these awful oozing scabs of pain and heat. Doctor's appointment on the 16th, and hopefully they'll prescribe him a corticosteroid... just to help during the flares. I didn't want him to be on meds for this. But, if he's in regular pain, and discomfort... and I've exhausted ALL other options... then... What choice do I have as a parent?

(Thanks for the Gold Bond tip Eric, I'll try it out while we're waiting to see the Doc.)

Even though he has been in pain, his mood has been oddly good.
I got an amazing report at school last night. When I picked him up, his Teachers Assistant and the Latchkey Assistant both came to me to to tell me how proud they were of Emry's focus when it comes to Blocks, building, constructing, and problem solving. I was so proud.
Also, Emry came right out in the car ride home and told me about an accident that happened at school with another boy. I didn't have to read it in a school note, or get a call from a teacher. He told me. ALL ON HIS OWN. SO PROUD.

I gave him ice cream.
Seriously I did.
I told him I was so proud of the good report from the T.A's and how big he was to tell me FIRST about an incident.

It's been a quiet week on the Klay front.
He's been home reading.
But, given the "I'm ready" post... I really don't mind, I need to plan out what I'm going to say and when I'm going to say it...
Also, I've been very pro-active. Somehow the little 5 minute intervals of crunches or Hip extensions have given me more energy.
Why 5 minutes? Why not longer?
While Emry plays in the bathtub, I do them.
When he gets bored of playing, roughly 5 minutes, then I stop... if he played longer, I'd do them longer.


I made this MEGA OOBER TURKEY MEAT VEGGIE SOUP last night.
And somehow... I messed it up.
Not Majorly.
It's tasty... but not as SAVORY as I wanted it.
It has this spicy yet sour taste... Think Hot and Sour soup from Chinese food.
But, now that it's done... and THERE'S A LOT OF IT... How can I alter the savor-osity (yes, I went there)
**shrugs** I'll figure it out when I get home.
Maybe I'll throw some Indian spices in it and just call it CURRY SOUP. CURRY COVERS EVERYTHING. Yes, that's a good idea, Garam Masala, Allspice, Curry... Yes, I may be able to fix this.

YAY.

Work has been good.
Busy.
Especially with me doing extra "fun" activities during work.
Food Journaling (and the research that goes into it, I'm lucky I can eat the same few things during the day.)
Book Club
Going to the Gym at work.

I still have this filing project, it's my nemesis. I just can't seem to get to the end of it.
WHICH BLOWS.
I'm making sure all of our files meet the confidentiality standards they should...

This weekend, there's no plans... Probably just cleaning up, and trying to read....

I need to get my taxes done soon, I'm waiting on 3 things. Hopefully by the middle of the month.
**FINGERS CROSSED**

Well, that's all I got for now.

Until later.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Daily Intake - week 1 day 2

Upon thinking of this food logging thing...
I think I'm going to take my measurements... and then on a weekly basis take them again.
Just to note my progress.
Notice, how I didn't say "I'm going to weigh myself weekly".
I'm not interested in my weight (not really) I'm interested in my SIZE.
So, if I tone up, and lose inches.... I really don't mind if I lose actual WEIGHT.
(The weight would be an added bonus.. you know what I mean?)

So, tomorrow look out of measurements, and me being brutally honest of how curvy I actually am.

So let's get back to the Day 2

Breakfast
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple) - 35 Cal
1/4 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 26 Cal
14 oz. - Hot Green Tea - 0 Cal
TOTAL: 61 calories

Mid Day Snack
2 Flatbread Wheat Thin Crackers - 60 calories
1 Tsp Flavored Goat Cheese - 9 calories
9 salted cashews - 105 cal
TOTAL: 174 calories

Lunch
Kashi Steamer Meal - 280 cal
1 Grilled Chicken Tender - 25 cal
Total: 305 cal

Dinner
1 bowl Lentil/Meat/Vegetable Soup - 350 cal

Dessert
Yoplait Light - 100 cal

Total Water Intake: 40oz.

Daily Calorie Intake: 990 calories

Exercise
12 minutes eliptical - 95 calories
Quadruped Bent-Knee Hip Extension and Crunches (5min) - 35 calories
Total Burned: 130 calories

Overall Calorie Count: 860 calories

a Heathen amongst the Thumpers... well, sort of.

Before I go into this very enthralling post, I want you all to know:

There was CAKE for someones birthday at work today. A strawberry shortcake and a Chocolate Mousse.
I RESISTED TEMPTATION, SANG, AND DID NOT LEAVE WITH A PIECE OF CAKE.

Back to the enthralling post:

"A Heathen Amongst the Thumpers... well, sort of."

Today at work, in my Christian Corporate environment... I went to Women's Book Club. In which they read, religiously oriented books... directed at women.
Many of the women there were Ministers of their Religion, and the other 75% were followers of the religion.
I, go to church on a very irregular schedule... as in.....not often and only if I can't avoid it.
You can also quote me as saying that I am not the world's best BELIEVER.
My position on religion is that I do not need to put a label on the face of my faith. I also think that the way I was raised, ROMAN CATHOLIC (oooh, ahhhh, *grimaces*) was all based on, Pain and Torture.
What do I mean? Oh well... I mean....... You do this, and God will SMITE you. Don't do that, GOD WILL SMITE YOU. You know, so on and so forth. Even the mentioning of Energy, or just higher thinking in my Religious Education classes ended with me looking like the Heathen... for questioning a belief system I was supposed to follow. Yes, I went to catholic school for a while, and did the Religious Education thing all the way up to my Confirmation... I know the bible. I just have my own views.
I think the bible is a third hand view of what happened.
I think these miracles, and these stories may have happened, but not exactly the way they were written. Some people will gasp, and say, "But, that's the bible.. that's the WRITTEN WORD of GOD's LOVE!" Read the bible, it wasn't all hunky dory for everyone.

You can see people's biases and fears shine through. Like, when it comes to the Homosexual thing.
I can see one person in particular now, clicking AWAY from my post. Stay a minute, hear my opinion.
Is it possible that the portion of scripture that indicated homosexuality is wrong, can that in fact have been written by someone who feared, or disliked it. Did GOD really Hang Down from the Heavens and SAY... Nope, I HATE those people.
I doubt that, God (whoever, whatever you believe in) loves everyone. Regardless.
Our soul's go to heaven. Not our bodies or our orientations.

My Tattoo'd and pierced patootie, who can accept homosexual (may not be one, but love is love dammit) is going to heaven. I can see my faults, I work on bettering myself. I try not to hurt others around me. I can apologize when I do. I denounce no religion or anyone else's view. I just want for others to see that my view is acceptable as well.

Anyway, off topic (but not really).

Heathen in Bookclub with the Thumpers.

Why do I call them thumpers... well, they are all good Christians. All of them. They believe the book, they follow the book. It's just a catchy title. I am in love with how strong they hold on to their faith. I think it's amazing. Maybe one day I can get there... but, right now... I'll keep my view. It serves me well.

The book we are reading (which actually can work for anyone, if you see the message behind the scripture) Meet me at the well By: Virelle Kidder.

It's Chapters are more like Thoughts and Devotionals. It's something you can pick up and read depending on what problem is plaguing you.
Really is hitting home in many ways... Helps me to know that I'm not alone. I'm not alone in my pain. And yes, even though I feel amazing (supplements do wonders), I have pain. I have fear and regret. I have a past that I'm not too fond of, but my present is so beautiful.

These woman, most of them from a similar pathway, and some (like me) who are not, get together and discuss these things. Find a place in the middle... they are a little family. I guess I'm part of it now. It was nice. It was comfortable. It was welcoming.

I have to admit, these particular sanction of Christianity... the one in which I work for... Is very welcoming, and the people, who obviously have to search their souls to accept me... do.... and are sweet to me. Even though, I know in their hearts it's truly hard.
I look different. I talk different. I am different. But, whoever created me... I believe created me in THEIR image. My soul is just as equal as the "thumper".

My presence may teach them some acceptance, and their presence to me... well, may teach me to open up, and try to be a better........ Religious Person.

How can Unending Love hurt?

So, I guess in the end... I'm not such a heathen... when it all boils down to it.
Just learning.
Just growing.

What about everyone else?
Religious?
Not?
Have your own view?
I want to know.

I realize that religion and politics are very touchy subjects.
But, all is welcome here, nothing will hurt my feelings, and I expect everyone to be accepting of other commenter's views.



Whatever Wednesday - The Emry Chronicles - Oh Shoot!... Who knows what today is anymore!

I've fallen out of love with both Whatever Wednesdays AND The Emry Chronicles.
I think I'll just talk.

Yada
Yada
Yada
Yada
Yada

Bored yet?
Oh me too...

Shit.

Okay.. Let me think on this one....

**pauses**

45 minutes have passed, and I can think of nothing to rant on about.

So, unlike me.

I've been working on things that have no meaning, and seem to be purely FLUFF work.
I know I can do GREATER things, MORE INTELLIGIBLE THINGS....
And yet, I'm not.
I was supposed to be approved for Free Education through my job MONTHS ago.
It's never happened. Once again, I think my boss forgot.
*sighs*
One day.
When I deserve it I get her and her boss in the same room long enough to TRICK her into READING all the material I gave her, and approving the LITTLE PROGRAM I WANT.
I swear, I'm going to change my mind, have them approve a MASTERS in... I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING EXPENSIVE.

**giggles**

See I found something to rant on about... See how easy it is?

45 minutes passing.

Making folders, and attaching pictures to the names of the folders person... not so fun.
Herbed Goat Cheesed spread on Wheat Thins Flatbreads... so tasty... Mid morning snack you know.

I was supposed to go to the gym last night, with a friend (and his wife), but, he got hurt... so that didn't happen.
Maybe tonight...
I did manage to do some crunches last night instead.
I think as long as I stay active in some capacity I'll be good.

Have more work to do...
Don't really want to do it...

I do feel really good still, I'm not as tired as I once was, even though last night I woke up with a MEGA-MIGRAINE at 2:00a.m.
I took some tylenol went back to sleep and all was good.
Emry has been in a decent mood too, besides is Eczema break out... It's getting bad again... and I'm not sure why.... nothing has changed in his diet, and the weather is COLD so it should be NONE EXISTENT.
Maybe the detergent? Have to do an extra rinse cycle on the clothes. Maybe that will help.

Does anyone out there have Eczema?
Any suggestions???

Well, I think until my daily intake post, this will be the post for the day.

Just a coming and going... minute by minute account of my ranting and venting.

**HUGS TO ALL**

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Daily Intake - week 1 day 1

Breakfast
Fresh Fruit Salad - 1 Cup (mixed Blackberries, Grapes, Cantaloupe, Pineapple) - 35 Cal
1/4 Cup Rice Krispies (sprinkled over for texture and crunch) - 26 Cal
14 oz. - Hot Green Tea - 0 Cal
TOTAL: 61 calories

Mid-Morning Snack
1 roll - 120 cal
4 pads butter - 80
TOTAL: 200 calories

Lunch
1 cup Lentil/Meat Soup - 130 cal
Lean Cuisine - 250 cal
TOTAL 380 cal


Dinner
1 serving - Homemade Chicken Parm - 367 cal

After Dinner Snack
1 Yoplait Light - 100 cal

Total Day Intake - 1,108 calories

Total  Water Intake - 40 ounces

Exercise
15 minutes eliptical - 70 calories burned
45 crunches - 48 calories burned
Total Burned Calories - 118 calories

Overall Calories - 990 calories

---------------------------

Day One Observations -
I am not hungry.
I am usually STARVING all day.
Seriously, read prior posts written before lunch at work.
I am usually DYING by 10:30 a.m.

What I did differently..
Mid Day and After Dinner Snacking.
I could have taken a snack after lunch, but I drank a large glass of water instead... and I was instantly not hungry anymore.

I was able to save roughly a thousand calories today.
Can I do that everyday?
No. Absolutely not.
But, it shows me that I can.
I can control my intake.
I am still in control of my body.

I am also planning on going to the gym after work.
Going with friends...
So, my daily burned may be higher, meaning that I could always eat more during the day/evening.

Little by little, I will shed this weight.
Be Healthier.
Be Happier.

I feel good.
I feel Motivated!

Yay!

Oh and @Ranting and Raving - EVENING PRIMROSE OIL Rocks my socks. I swear. 1 gel cap 3 times per day (which sucks because I can't remember to take pills on a schedule, I'm such a dork when it comes to those things... but this... Works, so I remember to take it! See how great that is?) I highly recommend it...