People Just as Crazy as Me

Monday, April 30, 2012

Rants of a Curvy Mama- 4/30/12 - third post

You can tell I'm avoiding something?
Oh yeah, it's this work project.
It isn't awfully cumbersome.

It's just.
BORING.

I know I usually use my Rants of a Curvy Mama, in order to reflect on my weight loss, and diet. But today, something else hit me... and well... I just feel it's a rant.
So, thus, another installment.


I have no regrets.
It's just a thought that went through my head...
Things happened.
Problems ensued, were overcome... and I move on.
I have no regrets.
I am not one to judge the path I am on...
I am just one to trudge through it.
Sometimes I dance through it...
But, you know, life isn't always easy.


No one is alike.
Everyone has their own soul, their own purpose.
Some people are disillusioned.
They think they're independent... they think they are strong.
But, some times those people are hiding behind pain, insecurities and GOD knows what else.
Not for me to judge.
As long as it doesn't impact my world... Not my place.

Some people enjoy being alone, and only taking "company" when they should need it.
I'm all for that too.
If that's what your schedule allows for.
There's nothing wrong with it.


I'm the sort that needs...someone.
A close friend.
A lover/companion.
A shoulder.

I was alone for a long time in my marriage.
I had no friend, I had no love, I had no shoulder.
So, I am destined to fill my world with someone to keep me close and good friends who I can rely on.. and that can rely on me.

I am see that I have achieved these things...
I have a couple very close friends.
Who needs tons?
I have a love, a shoulder, and a friend all in one person.
Something I was unaware could be in one package.


I have a beautiful son.
That I see everyday.
I am truly blessed with him.
He can be a monkey.
He isn't perfect.
No one is, and he's turning out to be such a loving, good boy.



But, with all this said...
I still find myself peaking...
At things that were.
Things that would have never been.
You try to re-play through things in your head...
And wonder...

It doesn't change your present life.
It doesn't change your past by reflection.
And, the only thing it does impact:
Is your future.


I know who I am as a person now.
I know what I am capable of.
I know where I stand.
What I want.
What I need.
Where I want to go.


Who you are doesn't really change.
It matures.
It evolves.

Now that I've looked back and thoroughly saw through what had occurred.
I can really let it go.
I see so much progress in my words.
And just stagnation in theirs.
I know that I am moving on and up into a beautiful life.
I only see reclusive behavior in the other.

I still see the manipulation.
The mind games.
The lies.
And a person who thought they were smarter than everyone else.
Someone whose mind games are more for himself than for everyone else.

I do not judge.
If that's how he picks his head up, gets to work and lives.
That's fine.
It's not for me.
Nor is it for everyone.
But it's his.

So.
I guess what I'm saying is.


Be who you are.
Regardless of how others in your life are.
Love will always find each other...
Friends will remain friends if you are different...

But,
if your life is drastically different than someone else's
If no common ground can ever be found.
Feel safe in the knowledge that it's not your fault.
Feel safe in the knowledge that there is someone in this world for everyone.
You are not a failure if you did not make a connection.
Yes, some people may react poorly to your decision to separate or not hold ties..
But, a true soul will understand your path and journey's are not close.


You can move on.
You can move forward.
Wherever forward is on your path.


I hope this makes sense.
It really is a rant.
General thought progress...
Bunch of jumbled ideas.


"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult,
but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed"
~Vincent Van Gogh



Music Monday - 4/30/12 - Number 2 - An oldie but a goodie





Don't know why... but these lyrics just popped into my head.
Must post.





Music Monday - 4/30/12 - Oh boy.



Something new and interesting for you.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Monologues of the Dating Divorcee Working Mother - "Anger"

Monologues of the Dating Divorcee Working Mother
(aka: The Life of a
Quasi-Single Mother)


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(DISCLAIMER: I do not mean to offend anyone. There are different strokes for different folks, and we all have different lives, goals, aspirations. What I write about in these posts is not meant to be the "only way", "the right way", "better than you". It's just my opinion, use it where you can. Comment or Criticize too, how else do we grow as people, if we don't listen to a little criticism?)



"ANGER"


We all can tell that I've had an exceptionally long week.
But it got me thinking about...


How a woman in my shoes deals with Anger.


Now we all know, every once in a while, we just snap.. we may yell when we shouldn't...
We try very hard not to overflow on to our children or loved ones...
But, come on, let's be honest... Sometimes even the slightest dirty counter, over loaded washing machine, can be the final straw... And then

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You know?



You don't mean for it to happen.
But, oh LORDIE LORD.. does it happen.


You get Angry.


My very wise Aunt Susan told me, when you know that you've lost it, and you know you can't hold it back... go lock yourself in the bathroom, with the light off, and just sit there.
You sit there until the anger goes away.


You never allow yourself to be THAT angry around your child.
You never want to accidentally do something you may regret.


And, I have to admit...
There have been times that I was afraid what I'd say or do... that I had to lock myself in the bathroom.


But,
Nonetheless...
it works.
The darkness soothes you.
You can't be forced to look at yourself fuming in the mirror.
That never helps.
It makes you angrier.
TRUST ME.
You are safe in the dark.
You cannot judge yourself in the dark.

But,
what about when you're not home?
What about when you're at work...
And life is so overwhelming that you feel yourself starting to OVERFLOW right at your desk?
You know you can't do it.
Unprofessional to say the least.
But, how do you deal!?!?!?!?!

Me.
I go in the bathroom, lock myself in the stall, and breathe as slowly and deeply as I can.
And silently pray that I don't freak out enough to let someone see.
If it's near my break time....
I try to take a walk.
Or go to our in office gym.
Don't keep the anger.
If it overflows.
You could lose your job, and in this economy, we all need our jobs.


The life of the working single (quasi-single) mother...
It's hard.
SUPER HARD.
The balls are always in the air.
We are so worried to let one of them fall...
Afraid it will all go toppling down.

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Yeah... I went there...
Remember this game?
So much fun...


Off topic.
My apologies.

Everything rests on us.
It's true.
We know it.
We can't shade things and pretend even with a little help that we're going to be okay.
Nope.
Doesn't matter.
Outside help, whether it be from a SO or a Family Member can not be permanently relied on.
In the back of our heads, we all keep that ball in the air, regardless of who's helping us with it.

WE ARE ENTITLED TO BE ANGRY BY THIS.
No one planned there life to be like this!
But, then again, when we were young... how much life planning did we really do?
Good Parents, Bad Parents, it didn't matter which we were raised with.
It doesn't matter how many times we were told to make a plan.
We were kids/teens...
We didn't make a plan.
We didn't listen.
Now we're here.
Now we have a plan.
And that's to stay above the water.
NO MATTER WHAT THE COSTS.

We Will CRY
We Will GET ANGRY

WE WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

Not every day is a bad day.
Not every week is a bad week.

Find the moments.
15 minutes here
5 minutes there...
To breathe.
To remember..
Yeah, it sucks, but it's for the better good of my child(ren).

It may not always help.
Your bathroom may not always be free to sit in the dark.
But, I imagine a closet will do just as nicely.

Just stop.
Take a moment.
Find the happiness...
Find the path.

And stay true.

Don't get upset if your angry moments are SO close together.
Don't let that make you even more ANGRY.
IT HAPPENS.
Take each individual bump.
Don't combine them.


RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."

Words to live by.

Love to all.
Happy Friday!




Thursday, April 26, 2012

Thursdacap - 4/26/12 - Yikes

Yikes.
This week has been...
Well....
Yeah...
It's the worst week ever.

I cannot believe the amount of shit that hit the fan... fell to the ground, got swept up in the wind and re-impacted with the motherfucking fan.

Yup.
That's how bad it has been...

I don't even to discuss it.
It goes from High School like drama - to - ex drama - to - Tball - dead cat - to impending doom.

*Screeches to a halt*

Impending doom?

Well, not really...

I just feel that way.

Positive things about this week:
1. I started reading a new book
2. I had a hour long conversation with my sister about NOTHING.
3. Klay made me, Emry and my father dinner last night.
4. His brother Jean-Claude (that's what Emry calls him) is coming up from VA this weekend.
5. I slept like a comfy rock last night, and on Monday night.
6. That Hooker guy is in jail.
7. I intend to drink a lot of beer this weekend... yummy boyfriend made beer.
8. Dinner with his family tomorrow, it's grandma's birthday.
9. I may get a raise and a promotion or BOTH.
(Good things are coming... the harder the week, the better the future... that's my theory.)

I never posted pictures from the wedding we went to last week...
Maybe I'll do that tonight.

Love to all.



Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Zombie Gas Station...

This morning,
at the crack butt of dawn...
I went to get gas...
You know, so my bum ass can get to work...

And.
It's a beautiful morning.
It isn't too cold.
It isn't too breezy.

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There is NO ONE at the gas pumps.
Emry is in the backseat, humming to himself...
I begin to pump my gas, and I feel eyes on me.

I can't figure it out.
No one is at the pumps...
There isn't many cars on the road.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING?

So, I turn, and at the gas attendants glass window is
THIS:

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Well...
Not literally.
This is what she reminded me of...
But,
it was more like...

THIS:
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(BTW: you do not want to know what searches came up with 'Bored Gas Station Attendant' on Yahoo!)

But, yeah,
unblinking...
staring...
Arms at her side.

LIKE A ZOMBIE.

I swear.

So...
I make eye contact.
Still...
same un-enthused...
catatonic glaze...

Someone was still asleep while working.

SO WEIRD.
So funny.

I must have laughed my way to work.
Which I needed.

So.
There you go!

I am sharing my near Zombie Encounter.
I swear.
The Apocalypse is coming!


Inappropriate Image Wednesday - Beauty

Word of the day:
(thought of by me)

BEAUTY

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my favorite
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Nothing too bad.
Except for the mini beauty queen one...
Those kids just freak me out.
Worse than the children of the corn...
Know what I mean?


Today I needed to find the beauty.
Within myself.
Within others.


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Yahoo Tuesdays - 4/24/11 - HOOKER!



First: Off topic but, I hate Blogger's new layout... I'm confused....
Did this HAVE to happen TODAY?


Second: Where is everyone?

Third: Who was excited by the above article?
I WAS!
This man just looked so smug. And we all knew he was lying.
Everytime he was posed with a question, his face would turn all RED and his eyes would dart back and forth.

Now... my question is, what about that 18-year old girl that moved back in with him?
What's going on with her?
You running home Jordan?
You should be.
If she's still head over heels about him.. something is clearly wrong.
Whether it be psychological manipulation or physical abuse.
Or maybe she's just crazy too.
Either way.
RUN GIRL RUN!

Fourth: I had an amazing nights sleep. Even though I am baffled it was cold enough to make the heat come on... 80 degrees one minute 40 the next... SUPER WEIRD. I loved snuggling up in my warm cozy bed.
MmmmmmmmMmmmmmmm.


Have a Good Day Folks!






Monday, April 23, 2012

Hello Highschool....only thing we're in our 20's and 30's and some of us 40's

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I feel like I look like this....

But, I don't.

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I must say a mantra like this at work daily...

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my lunch time experiences have recently been like this.

Here's the kicker:

I AM A GROWN ADULT.
I WORK IN A CORPORATE BUILDING...
I HAVE FRIENDS.

Or so I thought.
When I was first started my weightloss,
I ate lunch at my desk and took my break in the gym.
I was not ignoring anyone.
Everyone knew where I was.
I invited people.

But now that I am starting to actually eat lunch again...
you know..
during lunch time...

Everyonce in a while...
I'd like to sit and eat with people.

As of recently...
That doesn't happen.

And today.
I was directly ignored.
By people who I associate with...
Who sat in the table RIGHT behind me....
And said NOTHING..

We're between the ages of 26 and 46...
Really guys?
It's not cool.

The assertive voice in me says, that I should have turned around and just invited myself.
The aggressive voice in me says, FUCK THEM.
The passive voice in me says, Stay quiet.

But, here is where I vent.
This isn't cool.

When does the High School politics and drama end?

I just really hate coming to work.
1) I'm so far from Emry.
2) There's nothing FOR me here.

So, why do I do it?

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Oh, that's right.. I remember...


Sheesh.
Anyone else get this feeling?
At all?
Is it normal to be an adult in this situation?

Advice? 

Music Monday - 4/23/12 - HOT PROBLEMS ARE A HOT MESS



MY TITLE SAYS IT ALL.


COME ON HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM REBECCA BLACK?


This is also like Paris Hilton's theme song.
You know she's rocking out to it.


I'm just..
Well..
I lost brain cells listening to it on the radio this morning....

So now... you can too..

SEE I SHARE!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Monologues of the Dating Divorcee Working Mother - "Mystery"

Monologues of the Dating Divorcee Working Mother


(aka: The Life of a
Quasi-Single Mother)





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(DISCLAIMER: I do not mean to offend anyone. There are different strokes for different folks, and we all have different lives, goals, aspirations. What I write about in these posts is not meant to be the "only way", "the right way", "better than you". It's just my opinion, use it where you can. Comment or Criticize too, how else do we grow as people, if we don't listen to a little criticism?)
 
 
"MYSTERY"

There is no mystery when one dates a Single Working Mother.
There's no... WHO IS SHE?
Because a man has all the information they need to know in this one sentence:
"SHE HAS A CHILD"

So... mystery... not so much.

It's the same for a Divorcee...
A man knows that you've been in a long term relationship.
He knows that you infact are not pure as the virgin snow.
No mystery there, either.


So... How do we instill it?
How do we try to give the impression of mystery?
How do we give ourselves that sex appeal edge?

**SILENCE**

Oh, wait, you thought I knew?
HOLY SHIT!
I thought you knew...
Man, is this post going to suck.
NONE OF US HAVE THE ANSWER.


What do I do?
Well...
NOTHING.
I'm too damn tired.

What would I suggest that other women in my shoes do?
Well...
If you are planning on dating...
Or considering throwing yourself back into that scene...

I have a checklist.
To ensure that the mystery stays intact...
(for at least one night)

  1. Make sure that you are wearing 100% clean clothing. I am not patronizing you. The outfit you choose to wear out on your "adult time" night... Have it cleaned outside your home, hung in a plastic bag, and not opened until your child(ren) are in bed. No chance of fruit snacks, chocolate milk, apple juice, boogies, etc. to end up on your "COME AND GET ME" outfit.
  2. Before you go out, have at least 3 topics that don't talk about Yo Gabba Gabba, Thomas the Train, Poop/Pee, etc. Having a child doesn't mean that you can't be articulate and captivating. Keep the mystery at an all time high.. discuss.... the recent Linux Kernel.
  3. CHANGE YOUR PURSE. DO NOT USE YOUR DAY-to-DAY purse. Why? Who knows what's in there? Snotty Tissues, Children's band-aids, a train, a doll.... FRUIT SNACKS. Adult night, Adult purse.
  4. If you get to choose the venue, make sure you are going out during a time where children will not be present. WHY? No, I am not trying to hide the fact you're a parent. The guy probably already knows. Keep the mystery going. Gracing your presence in a venue where children could possibly be... well, that leads to this sentence, "I remember when my lil'one was that size. awwwwwwwwww." See what I mean... mystery.... VANISHES!


Love them?
Hate them?
Well, if you are going out, and want the man to think you are SO MUCH MORE THAN SOMEONE's MAMA... I'd go with them.
Lure him in.
Get him comfortable.

Then, slowly but surely,
your dirty pj's,
comfy, yet hideous slippers,
Mom purse,
and so many other things...
Won't even phase him.
Because he will know
that
DEEP
DEEP
DEEEEEEEP
inside.
You are a mysterious, sassy woman.



Happy Friday!
 

Thursday, April 19, 2012

5 year old parenting advice.. I NEED IT..

HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR KID BEHAVE AT SCHOOL  BEFORE THEY THINK HE'S AN A.D.D BEHAVIOR PROBLEM???


We have a behavior modification chart that goes between the school and home.
If he isn't good at school there are consuquences at home that range from spending a night (or nights) in your room... to toys getting thrown out....


THIS WEEK HAS BEEN AWFUL FOR HIM.
BUT JUST AT SCHOOL.
He's GOOD at home.
He's GOOD at T-ball.

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS SCHOOL?


HELP
HELP
HELP
HELP



 

Thursdacap - 4/19/12

Is it just me or has this week been an insanely long one?
Where has everyone been?
It seems we've all been posting,
reading, but not commenting...
Which means...
We really want to "SEE" eachother...
But, life is getting in the way.

Am I right?


This week has been very SLOW and PAINFUL for me.

I'm exhausted.
More so than last week.
I thought I was pregnant...
Because why else would I be this tired?
If vitamins are set.
Iron intake is good.
Sleep is decent.
And my mood is pretty even.
Nope.
Not pregnant either.
DODGED THAT BULLET!



Emry had his second T-ball game on Tuesday.
Nick came.
Not very eventful.
Not awful.

Emry and the other boys played in the sand of the tball field, more than they played.
But, whatevs... It's T-Ball!


I had dinner with a friend last night.
Which was nice to catch up.


Klay is still looking for a jacket and shoes for his friends wedding.
WHICH IS TOMORROW.


MEN!



My hair appointment is for tomorrow @ 11a.
I can't wait... I haven't primped or pampered myself in a long time.
I am excited.
I will try and get some pictures.

This way you all can see my weightloss and my pretty princess look.
(Not kidding... I am going to look b-e-a-utiful!)


Today is going to be a long day I can tell.
And since my stomach has been giving me issues...
I'm trying to limit myself to liquids today...
Ususally, a day of water, broth, and juice... and I am set.

So, we'll see how that goes.


We have Nick night tonight...
And I have a bunch to do after he's gone...

I have to give myself a pedicure and manicure.
I have to exfoliate everywhere the dress isn't covering.
**GIGGLES**
Mask on my face.... A CLAY MASK. TO ABSORB EXCESS OILS!!
Don't be mean!

Go shopping to find Klay his last two remaining wedding necessities.

Should be fun.
Should go quick
(these are more prayers than my actual thoughts.)


Friday is the wedding.
A whole day without Emry.... pretty dresses, and adult conversation.


Saturday is ANOTHER t-ball day!
Emry's excited to have his own activity.
We all go.
He loves it.

(SOMEWHERE IN THERE I HAVE TO DO SOME HOUSE CLEANING AND GROCERY SHOPPING)

Hopefully Sunday will be a crash day.
I do need to catch up on my rest.


But, as for now... I'm here @ work.
Going to get to it I suppose.


Everyone leave a comment.
Let me know you are all okay!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Yahoo Article Tuesday - 4/17/12



Dr. Dre gave a blank check to make this happen.

It cost between $100,000.00 and $400,000.00

Did any of us really need to see Tupac again that badly?????


And...
My theory...
That he (and Biggie and Cobain and all the greats) isn't dead.
Just hiding out in Disney...
Well..
That could still be true!

Monday, April 16, 2012

FURIOUS

I feel like I am back in highschool again.
This shit isn't fair.
I am 27 years old when does this stop?


How do I explain this without losing my head?
And it effecting the rest of my day at work?


Lissa took a promotion downstairs.
But... even before that...
We had CEASED to eat lunch together.
I AM NOT A NEEDY PERSON.
But, every once in a while...
Can you eat lunch with your friend?

I am tired of eating lunch in the cafeteria...
Having a great time reading my book...
TO LOOK UP AND SEE LISSA MOUTHING "HI" TO ME,
and then sitting with a group of people who it's very obvious do not WANT my presence.

It's been MONTHS since we've had lunch together.


I feel like a leper.
and it's not cool.




I'm furious.
And sad.




I always end up being someone's SECRET FRIEND.
Or friend when NOT around other people...

AND THAT SHIT BITES.


Because when the chips are down...
I do not judge.
I do not pressure...
When others fuck you over...
I'm still there...


BUT,
YET,
I'm always the one by myself.



Not in a good place about this.


THINGS LIKE THIS MAKE IT SUCK TO BE AT WORK.


VENT OVER.

Proceed with your normally scheduled lives...
I'll just go pout in the corner and cry.




DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT.


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THIS IS HOW IT FEELS AND IT SUCKS


Music Mondays - 4/16/12 - HOT!



It's going to be "HOT HOT HOT" today.
89 degrees.

I come dressed, prepared for the heat...
All I have to do is throw off this blazer, and I have a dressy tank underneath.

I DID NOT COME IN PREPARED
FOR THE LACK OF AN A/C AT WORK TODAY!

It is ALREADY 80 degrees in our office.
Something is up with the A/C.
If it does NOT cool down...
I am going to have to take this blazer off...

It's TOO hot in here.

It's
HOT HOT HOT

oooooooh

HOT HOT HOT....

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I hope it is warm by all of you.

Happy Monday!


Friday, April 13, 2012

Monologues of the Dating Divorcee Working Mother - "Control Freak"

Monologues of the Dating Divorcee Working Mother

(aka: The Life of a
Quasi-Single Mother)




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(DISCLAIMER: I do not mean to offend anyone. There are different strokes for different folks, and we all have different lives, goals, aspirations. What I write about in these posts is not meant to be the "only way", "the right way", "better than you". It's just my opinion, use it where you can. Comment or Criticize too, how else do we grow as people, if we don't listen to a little criticism?)
 
 
Control Freak

"One who has an obsessive need to exert control over people and situations."


Type 1 Control Freak:

These people are purely trying to control the anxiety and fear they feel in their lives, and to a certain extent, they are unaware that you even exist. They are dealing with their fears in a self-absorbed way, and you will notice this by the agitation in their voice, and they will avoid eye contact with you in most cases.

Type 2 Control Freak:

This person is also trying to manage their anxieties and fears, but this type needs to diminish you in order to feel better. As they feel worse about themselves, they will push and pick at you in an attempt to make you feel the way they do or worse. They don't just want to feel in control of you, they want to believe they have defeated you. They want you to feel helpless, wrong, and just generally terrible. As the famous quote goes, 'misery loves company'. They feel that if they can make you feel like a horrible person, they will feel better. The said part is that they never truly get that feeling they are looking for, they only end up feeling worse about themselves in the end, and this can be one explanation of why they might continue to fight with you.

Summary: Type 1 needs control. Type 2 needs to control YOU.

Here is a small check list to run by yourself to take notice if you are a Control Freak so you can get some help.
1. Do you feel you are always right?

2. Do you feel unhappy to the point of anger or rage when someone says you are wrong?

3. Do you always have to drive?

4. Do you always have to be in the know?

5. Do you feel offended when someone turns down your offer to advice or help, or instructions on how to do things?

6. Do you feel you know better than everyone else?

7. Do you find yourself easily angered, riled up, upset, insulted, ignored, or unheard?

If you answered yes to more than two of these questions, you are most likely a Control Freak, and you should seek some


Okay, now that I laid down the base of today's topic.
Let me tell you where it came from.
I am not enraged by this, it did make me feel very sad.

Yesterday, was a Nick night, and it wasn't a bad one (Yes, it was Chicken Nuggets and MacNCheese, but it went along very nicely... Even Nick and I got along).
Before he left, he asked about the arrangements for the T-ball Tuesdays.
Emry had made up this, Meet us at the house, and Follow us to the field scenario.
I told him it wasn't necessary, and that Emry was being a control freak.
I said this in a very jovial manner.
Nick looked at me and said,
"And I wonder who he gets that from"

I just felt my heart drop.
It hurt.
And, I didn't blow up.
I wanted to blow up.
But, I didn't.
My comment,
"It's hard to raise a 5 year old by yourself, I am not a control freak."
He then had to ask me something, but declined, probably because he knew I was too upset to entertain anything.
How dare he say that.
How dare he belittle me like that.
It hurt my heart.

*BTW: for the top quiz... I answered yes to 1 question....*

But,
From there...
I realized I had a topic for today's Monologue.

Are Single Mothers control freaks?

I describe myself as a Type A personality.
I describe myself as goal oriented and driven.
I see the pathway, I see the reward, and I push forward until I get it.

Do I always have to be right?
Hell, no!
Is my way always the right way?
NO... show me an easier and more efficient way, and I will take it.
Do I always have to do things my way?
NOPE. You want to take over? Be my guest, I bet I can find something else to do!

Needless to say,
I have OCD's.
I really do harp on things a lot.
If something gets on my nerves (like the stove, that is never clean, and I hate to clean because the second you DO clean it... It gets used and dirtied again!) I will overcome it...
Just to make myself feel better.


But,
It still hurt.
His words...still hurt.
Because in the end, these are things I know he has told people about me.
Those people do not count in my world though..
No one likes to be talked negatively about.
I am guilty of talking negatively about him too.
I admit, on here, a lot, that we are not the same type of person.
He is much lazier than I.
His goals aren't the same.
He doesn't really have any goals past the next 24 hours.
I do vent.
But, honestly... even though I hope to meet each and every one of my blogging compadres...
When are any of you going to meet Nick?
When are any of you really going to know WHO I am talking about?

It changes things a little.
I do not go around bashing him to people I know.
Klay, my dad and I only discuss him where Emry is concerned.
I could bash him to his mother, because she deserves to know why I am so guarded with my child.
I STILL DON'T DO THAT.
It's wrong.

Moving along... I could VENT for days on this topic... Can you tell it really hurt my feelings?

Control Freaks.

I think if the Single Mother is overwhelmed and filled with despair she may begin to control what's right in front of her.
I think if the Single Mother needs something to hold on to... a control freak personality may emerge.
I, however, also think that this personality can be only temporary.
I feel that once we hit a point, the infamous A-ha moment (thanks Oprah) or the light bulb moment... We realize that we are not in control of anything.
Even are closest most immediate worlds.
It all falls on Fate, Destiny, and sometimes *looks up*, whoever sits up there watching us.

Single Mothers... I am going to refine this statement.
SINGLE MOTHERS WHO WILL NOT FALL TO DEFEAT,
will do what they need to do, in order to support their child(ren).
They will do what they need to do to give their child(ren) the life they deserve.

If their ex-husbands/boyfriends/baby daddies think that makes them "control freaks", then
FUCK THEM.
Yup.
I said it.
I went there.

It's all for the bettering of the child(ren).
Doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.
If you can do for your child(ren) and they end up smiling more than they are crying...
THEN
YOU HAVE DONE YOUR JOB.


Happy Friday!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Thursdacap - 4/12/12

So,
Saturday starts the beginning of T-ball season.
Saturday Starts the Bi-weekly schedule from heck.
However, at least one of those nights will take away from the stress of a Nick night.


Small blessing for me.
It sucks to do the right thing.

This week was spent working (of course), and our normal schedule (only Emry was in daycare all week, this extended spring break is my enemy).
I had already mentioned that Emry went for his FIRST DENTAL appointment!
It went very well.
He wasn't afraid in the slightest.
I found a pediatric dental practice in my area. There was a TV in the examining room playing the Disney Channel.
The dentist and his hygienist were so kind.
The only downfall...
Emry grinds his teeth.
It was explained to me that this is normal in small children, and that by time he starts losing teeth and getting the adult ones... it will have corrected itself.
If not, he gets a mouth guard.
Not a big problem.
Something we got to keep our eye on.

His teeth were very clean, they barely had to pick at them AT ALL.
I was so proud when the dentists mouth dropped open after Emry told him about the Fluoride mouthwash and floss he uses DAILY.
The dentist told me in private that more and more children at Emry's age are presenting with cavities at their first dental checkup. That most parents are not enforcing good oral hygiene in their children.
HOW COULD YOU NOT?
I go with Laziness and Ignorance.

But, that's my opinion.

I'm still unsure about what's going on with Klay.
We had some alone time last night.
We discussed things.
He quelled my fears.

But...
I don't know...
Maybe I've hit a wall.
Maybe it's something I'm not seeing.
Maybe it's something deeper that I can't put my finger on.

Or
Maybe.
I'm just tired.

I'm always tired though.

This morning, because I can't seem to get ahead of the game...I premade dinner.
I threw all the ingredients together, covered the baking dish.... and placed in the fridge.
So all I have to do is pre-heat the oven and actually COOK it when I get home.

Yes, I could go back to slow cooking the meals.
But,
HOW MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF STEWS AND SOUPS CAN ONE MAKE?
Yes, I could make a chicken, or a roast...
But, it always comes out...
Blah.
I don't know.
It's tasty....
Tastiness is never lost in my cooking.
It's just...
NO MATTER WHAT FOOD GROUP.
The same consistency.
Do we know what I mean?
So tonight, I threw together the left over veggies, lamb, mashed potatoes and gravy from Easter...
Pseudo-Shepherds Pie!
It's just enough for all of us to eat.
Meaning....
CLEAN, NO LEFT OVER REFRIGERATOR!
Which will be screaming for NEW FOOD!

TADA!

(Speaking of cleaning... I actually have to empty the fridge and wipe down the counters in it.
How it gets so icky is besides me.
Everything is closed tightly, and in plastic containers...
But still...
IT GETS YUCKY IN THERE!)


I'm still trying to move up in the company I work for.
I am still trying to market myself as a viable and useful employee.
It feels like a losing battle.
But, at least I'm showing them my drive and will to do more.
Right?


Tonight, being Thursday, is another Nick night.
But, it's also PICK UP EMRY'S TBALL UNIFORM NIGHT!
Klay will do one while I do the other.
Help is always appreciated in my world.

I know it will be filled with microwaved food.
And, that's not a judgement...
However, it be nice for Nick to take the time to PREPARE a meal for Emry.
But, Nick isn't me.
He'll never think that way.
Just enough is good enough to him.
Nuggets and French Fries every Tuesday and Thursday is fine to him
(when he brings something that isn't filled with SOY.)

*sighs*
*deep breath*

Almost 10a.
I need to start working.

Until later.



Wednesday, April 11, 2012

April 11, 2012 - Second Post

You ever have that feeling that something is coming?
You ever get that tickle in the back of your neck...
The wind just seems to be blowing something right toward you.


You're not sure when, but, you know to watch out.
After this happens a few times, you learn to stay protected.


My dad and I call it a "shift in the force".
Yes, it's a Star Wars reference, but, it also links to a lot of the energy work I do.


Usually, when I feel this coming...
I think it's my mother.
She's a never ending burden on our lives.
If you haven't read about her in any of my previous posts...
She's just not a well person.
My dad says, "She's sick and not feeling well either."
Between her MS and her other mental problems... She's just not a "safe" person.


However,
This time.
Not her.
The universe is sending my multiple signals, and NOT A ONE is from her.

I know who it is.
I did a normal "perimeter check" and found that... well...
The boost in my stats has to do with someone.
I wasn't mentioned... so, whatevs.
He will stay away, and so will I.

The other.
Well.
Sadly.
(but, not unexpectedly)
Is Klay.


I am officially unhappy.
With him.
Not our situation.
That is adapting.
But, with him.


I know it comes a point where a relationship begins to mature, and well, the sparkle starts to diminish.
I do realize that.

But how can something go from:
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TO THIS
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In a matter of months?


How is that really possible?


I started out blaming our lack of connection on us being Over Tired.
I fall asleep a lot.
I am restricted in what I can/cannot do some nights.

I breathe through it.

But, it is becoming glaringly obvious...
Something wrong between us.

I'm not sure what it is.
Nor do I care do work it out in my own head...

Hopefully we all saw my weird dream I had the other night.
So, I'm obviously in a bad place about this already.

But, last night, He just showed up. Was sweet, wanted to know about Emry's very fist dentist appointment (which went REALLY WELL.)
We watched the repeated of the Game of Thrones episode we missed.
He showed me the outfit he is wearing to the wedding we are attending.

I was AWAKE.
I wanted to spend some alone time with him.
And as if he sensed it.
"I'm going home to play my bass. I love you."
He could see on my face I was upset.
I said nothing.
I have no problem with him playing his bass.
It just interfered with my hormones.
I wanted to scream at him... "I WANT TO HAVE SEX. IT HAS BEEN A MONTH!"
(internal rant continues)
"I have gotten down to a SINGLE NUMBERED PANTS SIZE.
I LOOK ROCKING.
I KNOW THAT MY SIZE HAS NEVER BOTHERED YOU....
I KNOW THAT WE'VE BEEN TWO SLEEPING SHIPS PASSING IN THE NIGHT.
BUT WE ARE BOTH AWAKE.
I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME.
I WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME.
IS THAT SUCH A BAD THING????"

But, I said nothing.
He asked too...
I told him it didn't matter, and that I haven't said anything.

No reasonable woman would scream this at her SO, and then like any form of affection that came after it.
It would add the extra thoughts of, "is he only doing this cause I had an estrogen freak out moment?"
I am not that chick.

But, now, I am curious.
Now, I want to know what's up.


But, I will sit stoically and not say a word.
Not until my words will come out constructively.


Isn't it lovely to be a woman?




Inappropriate Image Wednesday - 4/11/12 - BLOSSOMING

Thanks to Eric (Bubba) Alder for the word of the day!


BLOSSOMING


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HOORAY!
NOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PICTURE FOR AT LEAST 6 pages!!!!

You have chosen an APPROPRIATE word for todays post!
KUDOS!



I need a word for next week.
Remember the word needs to be an "innocent" word.
Please leave a name by which I can thank you for the word in the post.
And, if you have a blog yourself, please include the link in the comment.
(Unless you follow this blog, then I can find the link to your blog myself. *smiles*)


Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Rants of the Curvy Mama: SELF ESTEEM

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I know that my weight loss will not improve my self esteem.
I also know that some of my issues were incorrectly formed because of my weight gain.
I know that I should love who I am.
I know that I am a rocking, intelligent woman and amazing mother...
But,
That doesn't stop me from remembering the past.
When I was young (oh, ok, younger....) my mother used to tell me I was fat.
5'4 @ 100lbs
I was fat?
My first real boyfriend said he broke up with me because I had a HUGE ass.
5'4 @ 108lbs
(Yes, I can remember how much I weighed at each of these occurrences.)
My ex-husband stopped sleeping with me when I got sick and gained a little weight.
5'4 @ 125lbs
Then, I had a baby. My ex still wouldn't love me, he ran around loving other women.
5'4 @ 175+lbs
I was unhappy by my life situations and my marriage...
I didn't lose the weight.
I only began to lose a little when I started really working again.
Merchandising job through Home Depot's Floral Supplier.
I worked hard.
I lost a little weight.
5'4 @ 160lbs.
And I began to lose and gain from their.
Klay met me at 155lbs... but, dating, and good cooking... I went back up a little.
We all know that since January of this year I have made amazing progress to get toward a healthy BMI (and thus weight.)
I only have 7 more pounds to go.
But, last night.
The fat girl with the low self esteem got in to my subconscious.
She affected my dreams.
I hate when I get the best of me.

I dreamt that Klay cheated on me.
And I walked in on it.
I've had this dream before.
The first time I dreamt it..
was a few months ago.
And, I couldn't see who it was.
(in my dream I heard them from his shower).
But, in this dream...
I walked in and saw all of it.
And of course, what I dreamt him cheating on me with was a
THIN
BLONDE
BOMBSHELL.

And he turned, looked at me, and his face was full of sadness.

Now,
I know this is my VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM.
I know that he loves me with my curves.
I know that he is so proud of the weight I have lost.
I know that if he was going to cheat, he'd tell me, and we'd end it.
I know these things.
We talk.
We're honest with each other.

I just.
Well.
I've been hurt.
And I associate the hurt with because I was bigger than I should have been.

Weird?
Probably.

But it's the truth, and that's why I'm writing this today.


I've been trying to respond to an email he sent me an hour ago.
I can't.
Even though it was a dream... it has left this awful dirty coating on me.
BLECHK

I even found this little "I love you, Baby" note he left in the book I'm reading.
My heart pours open for him.
He's truly amazing.

I'm still afraid.
I still had that dream.

I know that even if I get back to 120's in weight.
I will still NOT have self esteem.

Self esteem comes from within.
Self esteem needs to be built up all on its own.

And, there is no other way to do it.

Some say that when you dream of being cheated on, you are having subconscious thought about CHEATING on your SO.
That's NOT what's going on here.

Dream Dictionary says:

"To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are unconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship."

I think I agree with that.
THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.
SEE?
Dream dictionary is on my side.

The last sentence scares me though.
Because.
Well.
That is always a fear.

That's why I try not to over pressure Klay.

Meh.

Any ideas how to renew my self-esteem?
Any criticism?
Bueller?