People Just as Crazy as Me

Friday, August 31, 2012

"Mama WORK!"

My son came with me to work today.
At one point he whispers to me, in a very STERN way, "mama WORK! stop looking at me."
 
I swear I just glanced over to see what he was doing.
JEEZ Kid. RELAX!
 
 
Well, we are one movie in, so he only has one more movie to last the rest of the day.
Hopefully that will take about 2 hours after lunch.
 
We have a couple work books and coloring books.
But, I don't think we're going to make it.
 
 
I know it's no fun to come with me to work.
But, at least I bring you things to keep you pseudo occupied.
I even got you two new movies this time.
 
 
**SIGHS**
 
He isn't being bad.. but, I know he's bored, and that's okay.
 
 
But, it's the only solution we had before a holiday weekend, that didn't result in me losing a day of pay.
 
 
ANYWAY.
 
 
So.
Friday.
So.
LONG WEEKEND...
So...
Trip to Virginia.
Does anyone live close to Virginia?
Anyone want to come see me?!
 
On that front, I have not even started to pack. I have a list of things I need to pack. But, no actual packing has been done. I know... I stink... But I made 2 dozen devilled eggs last night, and packed a Emry Survival Kit for today's work adventure.
Can you forgive me now?
 
 
I hope to be able to skiddaddle out of here a little early. This way I can get home and pack... at Lightning Speeds. Yup, white light will follow my quick movements around the house.
 
Then we'll eat a quick dinner, I'm thinking Pizza. Because it's fast, and I can throw the rest of it in ziplock bags for the ride down... yup.. I'm a thinker... and stress makes me hungry.. so hence... FOOD.
 
 
I lost another 0.2 lbs... So 3 lbs in 3 days. That's kind of cool.
No real goal of wanting to lose an actual number, I just want to see how this, NOT GORGING myself thing works. But, my body seems to like it.
 
As you can tell, I have nothing much to say today.
I am feeling much better.
My body, my mind... It was just a funk I guess.
 
We all have them.
I wish we didn't.
They suck.
 
 
**HUGS**
 
 


Thursday, August 30, 2012

Relief... then complete panic

After the whirlwind of a day yesterday, I was very pleased to drive home, and have a peaceful evening.
 
 
I could feel the relief WASH over me as I picked up Emry. I felt the same calm as we ate a very peaceful dinner... Zen like bathtime for each of us.
 
 
AND THEN BAM!
COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS.
 
 
Well, not exactly....
 
 
About a month ago we were invited to Klay's brothers home.... in Virginia. We at first planned to go, and then changed our minds... Funding didn't seem an option. Then about two weeks ago, Klay's brother offered to pay for our gas. It was a really sweet gesture, and Klay was supposed to speak with his brother... That never happened. So, this came to a head last night. Are we going? Are you coming? Two brothers, asking me. I'm not driving, he's not my brother... it's not my decision. Just saying.
 
So... Klay finally said yes.... well... Let me clarify that: He said Yes to me, but Possibly to his brother. JUST TO BE A PAIN IN THE ASS. I am so glad I have one son... it appears to me that 2 boys equal a lot of PITA behavior.
 
 
So. The possibly response resulted in a text/call from Klay's brother... to me.
In which I had to calm the waters.... Yes we're coming..... No I'm not sure why he is being difficult.... Yes we'll see you at 1a Saturday Morning.... Yes, I'm sure it's okay.
 
Why are men such big babies? For crying out loud. It is INSANE.
 
So...
I slept...
All was well...
 
I woke up very calm.
Our morning routine wasn't so awful.
The ride to camp was quiet.
 
CHAOS ENSUES.
 
Camp is closed tomorrow... some type of state walk through.....
 
So.. I had to figure out what to do with Emry tomorrow...
Thank the Lord for a kind new boss.... "Yes I would love if you brought Emry in!"
My old boss... there were hoops.
VERY LARGE HOOPS THAT I HAD TO JUMP THROUGH IN ORDER TO GET ANYTHING.
 
 
So now... we are back in a calm cycle.
(BTW: I lost 2.8 pounds in 2 days... I think that's kind of cool....)
 
 
Waiting for the wave of Chaos to hit again, because that just is my week....
 
 
But, I'm not letting it get me down.
 
 
I need to get up and move... Have a Happy Thursday!
 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Unscripted

The first day outside of the 30 Days of Me Challenge, and I am completely unscripted.
Normally, today would be filled with Weird and Cool Image Wednesday... I think the last time we met with that post, we were working on a Color Project. Y'all remember? Roy G. Biv'ing it?
 
Do I want to continue with that?
The beauty about the challenge, was that I have had a break from the normal blogging cycle.
That was pretty great.
I didn't have to think up exactly what was going to make up the criteria of a post...
 
 
And, now that I have realized my rut... I want to go forward with a renewed sense of self....
 
So... UNSCRIPTED.....
 
 
**crickets**
 
 
Yesterday and Today I have been more active.
This makes my pain syndrome scream, but regardless of that, I keep moving.
I'm not talking crazy aerobics... Just up and down the stairs... more than normal. There is roughly 8 flights of stairs in my building. Going down them isn't the problem, it's going up. So, I have gone down the stairs whenever possible today, and have gone up at least 3 times. That's something, right?
Once again, my body hates this. And do you know what I say? SCREW YOU BODY! The brain is in charge now, and it says that you will get used to it!
 
 
**WAR CRY**
 
 
I have also been doing twice the work I normally am. My new boss is very happy to let me take on a lot of responsibility and I am VERY okay with that.
I like to be busy, it does, however, interfere with my posting. I find that the only moments I have to post now are either first thing in the morning OR the last thing in the afternoon. So, it seems that I will have to make more time at home (Like there is any!) for my postings.

Skip a day? You're right I could. I choose not to. This is my place, and for the past... what is it now? 2 years? I have been posting on this place DAILY. It is my constant. You are all my constants.
 
 
**SIGHS**
 
I really like ice cold water.
Just thought I share that with you.
You know what I like more.... CREAM SODA.
Will I have it?
Maybe a sip later.
I have had 1/2 of a 20oz. sitting in my fridge for the better part of this week.
So.. that shows progress right? Not downing the whole thing in one epic commercial-esque sip?
 
 
***momentary break***
 
The summer has really flown by, Emry starts school next Wednesday... And he will be taking the big boy bus (as I think I already shared with y'all), and he is EPICALLY excited.
 
We got all of his school clothes and supplies... I think we are really set.
 
My worry right now, is that he seems to be winding down again... reverting to the crazy, out of control behavior from the Spring. Like he gets bored of being good and tries his hand at the bad side. I am trying to work this out, so that when he starts the school year, he will be straight as an arrow.
 
This morning, he was very defiant, and in front of all the camp counselors to boot. I told him we would deal with this later and not to forget his behavior this morning. I think the punishment for that is that I'm going to put away, and limit play time with his Thomas the Train stuff. (If you are just tuning in, that's Emry's favorite, and the majority of his toys. This being taken away/limited will result in the "Cold Water to the Face" Effect.)
 
 
Well.. my friends... it is a pleasure to be back, without a script, and I look forward to more aimless.. but well written (in my humble opinion) posts.
 
 
Does anyone want to share 1 post that they missed the most during the challenge? This way, I'll be sure to commit to that one!
 
<3 p="p">

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day 30 - Picture of myself today and good things that happened

30 Days of ME!
DAY 30 -
A picture of myself today
and good things that happened
during this challenge.
 
 
I'm sorry, I am not posting a picture today...
Why?
Because I posted a bunch during this whole sha-bam.
My face hasn't changed in 30 days.
 
 
 
Sorry.
I know you were all AMPED to see a goofy Kat face.
 
 
 
WAIT!
Will that suffice?
 
 
*GIGGLES*
 
I've been in the dumps.
There is no two ways about it.
I've been a big POOP head.
Yup.
 
I'm not really sure why...
It just came up.
 
 
But something positive came from it.
 
 
Shrinkella posted this yesterday... about RESETTING... starting from scratch...
 
And, as I know that my weight loss journey was very positive for a while.. it has slowly and surely began to slip away.
 
Now, I believe that weight loss isn't exactly what will make me feel 100%....
But, I think being overall healthy... inside and out.... will get me there.
 
So.
My Reset....(in no particular order)
 
To lose the weight.... for good.
To maintain a healthy lifestyle... for good.
To not let others put me down, so they are not alone.... for good.
To surround myself with positivity... for good.
To do one thing a month for me.... for ever!
To exercise... REGULARLY...as in every day.
 
 
If I wasn't doing this challenge, and identified through only writing about myself, that I was not in a GOOD place.... I would have never been attracted to the post called "RESET".
 
 
So, Shrinkella (LISA)... if you are reading...
 
Want to take a journey?
Let's get this done...
Let's be happy, healthy... and ... well..... not poop heads anymore.
 
Anyone else with me?
 
 
I think that once a week I will write about my journey...
What I am doing to put (and keep) myself in a positive place.
 
 
 


Friday, August 24, 2012

Day 29 - Three Confessions

30 Days of Me!
DAY 29: THREE CONFESSIONS
 
 
I didn't want to write this one.
I considered vLogging it...
I considered vLogging a lot of these.
 
I'm just not comfortable.
With the post or the vLogging of it.
 
 
I guess that's Confession #1, I am not comfortable at the moment. In my life.... Everything is basically calm. There is no real stress... I'm just feeling... not complete; Not at ease. I think the better word is: Safe. I am not feeling safe.
 
Confession #2: I don't want to live a  healthy lifestyle.
I know that my weight loss is a positive change in my life. I know that exercising is positive.
But, I am exhausted.... burgers and fries taste good.... and I like to eat when I'm hungry regardless of the fact that it is after 7p at night. So... I guess I'm saying I rather be fat than healthy. Whether or not I will submit to that... well that is yet to be seen. I kind of like fitting into my clothes.
 
 
Confession #3: I have no gal friends.
I have a bunch of acquaintances... I have gals that I can hang out with if I choose to. The thing is, I rarely choose to. I have a problem with large groups. I have a problem with small groups.... I just have a problem with people; especially women... Bad experiences... You can't really know anyone in this world. Even the person I call my best friend, Lissa, is just a really good acquaintance. I know that, in my heart, that we aren't really friends. I know that in my heart, there are other people she rather hang out with than me. I don't blame her, or anybody else... I have a kid.... these gals don't. Having a child really changes everything... or it should.... You can't just go dilly dally on a Wednesday night... You can't just make plans spur of the moment for yourself... It just doesn't happen. Lissa is the only acquaintance that seems to bother me.... how so? It bothers me when she stands me up. We make plans... together... and 9 times out of 10 she calls/texts the day of or an hour before saying she had forgotten about something else she already committed to. It's frustrating. Klay says I should tell her... that I really won't hate her response, that it will more than likely surprise me... I'm afraid I'm right... And I'm also afraid of making waves... so... I just keep to myself... I just keep everything to myself.
 

I think the only place that I am truly out spoken about EVERYTHING... is on here.
I am never judged here.
I am always supported here.
And... that's a very calming feeling.
 
 
 
Almost 11a... Just need to make it to 4p...
 
 
 
Happy Friday.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Day 28 - What stresses me out

30 DAYS of ME!
 
 
DAY 28:
What stresses ME out!
 
 
 
If you have read my blog for awhile you will know...
that at some point...
EVERYTHING...
stresses me out.
 
 
**giggles**
 
Well, maybe not everything.
 
 
 
Major Stressers:
 
1) Having Enough Money
1a) Saving money
 
 
2)Emry being taken care of PAST the best of my ability.
2a) Emry on one of his BAD days.
 
 
3) Work
(but not since the old boss)
 
 
 
4) Getting everything chore wise taken care of without dying.
(Maybe an exaggeration... but, you know what I mean.)
 
 
 
That's really it.
 
 
What's funny is on a quick glance I thought today was 3 things that bug me.
(Don't ask me how, I am very sleepy today.)
 
 
And I was going to rant and rave about the Anti-American Woman blog that posted a comment yesterday.

Go to yesterdays post.
Check it out.
What an epic loser.
 
 
Because I had a shit load to say about that.
It doesn't stress me out in the least.
But, I was going to rant and rave about the other side of that argument.
 
AMERICAN MEN and THEIR SHORT COMINGS.
(Now, not all of you... but, a huge amount.)
 
 
But, I suppose I could use that for another days post.
 
Start typing up the draft!
Mwa-hahahahahahahahahaha.


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Day 27 - Photo(s) of your city and what's great about it.

30 DAYS OF ME

DAY 27:
PHOTO(S) OF YOUR CITY AND WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT IT
(I guess I could have driven around the town with the flip cam, but it was dark...and not worth it.)


I live in a city located in Orange County, NY.
We are about an hour from NYC.
And about 2 hours from Albany.
 
 
 
Middletown postcard post card - North Street, Middletown, NY
The town used to look like this in the "old days"
 

This building still stands at our local university.
They have chamber music there around Christmas time.
Very pretty.
 

We have shopping plazas...
and malls.


I kind of live on a road like this.
My own little townhouse.

The train station used to look like this...


But now looks like this..
Railway doesn't come through this part of town anymore



But they moved it... and we have a quick ride to Hoboken.
 

Where I buy my hiking stuff.

Sometimes they have live theater.
Or they play old movies here.
It's very cool and nostalgic.


We have a raceway


And cosmic (plus regular) bowling.


Not many.. but some fancy restaurants.
 
 
All in All...
Where I live...
Is nice.
It's a little crowded sometimes.
But going 15 minutes in any direction leads you near the woods.
 
 
There is convenience...
There is also a lot of empty buildings...
Lots of poverty surrounding us... and then Abundant lifestyles.


It's a nice mix of everything.
And sometimes a shitty mix....
 
 
It's home.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Day 26 - My Dream Wedding

30 Days of Me

DAY 26
MY DREAM WEDDING


**Don't call me a slacker or a procrastinator I tried to vLog this... it didn't work.**
It was a bunch of explanation, explanation, LOOK AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN.
It's not like I keep this in a book... with pictures...
That would be creepy.


My first wedding..
Well.. Justice of the Peace.
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
It wasn't what I wanted.
Our chance for a Wedding Reception after the fact:
Never happened, also, NOT what I wanted.




I want to get married in the fall.
late September - early November.
When the leaves are turning.

That looks about right.
 
 
As you can guess, I want an outdoor wedding.
For two reasons:
1) Klay needs cool temperature... He'd sweat his but off in a church.
2) Klay is not very religious, and as I do hold religious belief, it is not a necessity for me to be married within a church. I find that church weddings, as pretty as they are, seem to lack the proper VOLUME. MEANING: people passed the first row can't hear a WORD of what's going on.
 
I want to be surrounded by my close friends and family. On both sides.
 
a few Bridesmaids and Groomsmen.
 
Since everything is going to be autumny (is that a word?) outside,
I want the color palette to be kind of a chartruse green...
Don't they all look lovely. Only difference
I would want each dress style to be picked
by the person wearing it.
So that everyone has something that
fits their body correctly.
After the brief and intimate ceremony.
I would like to walk into a beautifully decorated venue.
Not to big.
Not to small.
 
And the color scheme I have always loved is Chocolate Brown, A deep dusty purple, and an ecru type color.
Okay this type of setting... with floral arrangements like
THIS:
Just imagine the picture to the right  with Sterling Roses (purple)
or lavenederhydrangeas.
Food?
A mixture of comfort food, and family favorites.
Nothing too fancy.. nothing too messy!
 
Music?
I am not a dancing queen.
I hate group dancing.
So no  CRAZY DJ with the latest and greatest "hits".
Amazing Jazz music...
And of course in between the traditional Father-Daughter/Mother-Son dances.
To songs that would be determined when this actually happens.
If this actually ever happens.
 
 

And.. that would be it.
Really.
That would be it.
 
Great conversations...
Calm setting...
 
So, maybe I don't have a book with all of this cataloged.
But it's engraved in my brain.
 
 
WAIT HOLD UP!
I TOTALLY FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!
WHAT I WOULD BE WEARING!
DUH!
Simple and understated.. perhaps more antique white than ivory....
 
I'm a girl.
What do you want from me?

Monday, August 20, 2012

Day 25 - Something I am looking forward to

30 Days of Me!

DAY 25
SOMETHING I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO.


Well,
Officially.

Emry's first day of school.
WHY?

BECAUSE HE WILL BE RIDING THE BUS.


Wait?
What's that you say?
Have you hired a nanny? (No.)
Have you moved jobs? (No... sadly.)
Do you finally trust one of your neighbors enough to do this for you? (HELL NO.)

THEN HOW?!
Klay is going to change his work schedule.
So that Emry can take the bus in the morning,
and not be in AM latchkey.

WAIT?!
WHAT WAS THAT?


Yup.
5 days a week,
Klay is going to be SuperDad...


And but Emry on the BUS!
 
 
 
I know that this is an answer to "prayer" (or whatever you would call it).
It's not a perfect solution... but it is a better one.
And a step closer to the ideal.
 
 
 
So,
It's a great way to start the week.
 
I know there is 4 more posts left...
So, I'm thinking of vlogging all of them tonight, and releasing them as they usually would come.
 
 
I really wanted to get some vlogging in...
We'll see.
I'm a procrastinator...
 


Friday, August 17, 2012

DAY 24 - Something I have learned & an actual post

30 DAYS OF ME

DAY 24:
SOMETHING I HAVE LEARNED



Good Morning All,
Since I am in a mood...
I have been doing pretty scarce... LAME.... posts...

Today, I hope is much better...



I am 27 years old, and I know that I will continue to learn things until the day I die.
Which hopefully, is when I am old and wrinkly.



The MAJOR lesson that I have learned in my 27 years on this planet:

NOTHING IS IN MY CONTROL



This concept is very hard for me.
I am a very OCD, structured person.
I feel the need to be on top of most things in my existence.



I can have all the routines I want.
At the end of the day...
If the bottom falls out...
It's going to...
NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO CATCH ALL THE PIECES.



The only thing you can do in these instances is:
BE PREPARED


Have backup plans, backup funds (this one is a hard one), backup routines.


You make due until everything settles.


And then,
if you're anything like me...
Start a new routine...


I am sure everyone has these moments.
Even the people who seem to have "perfect" lives.
NO ONE HAS A PERFECT LIFE.
Some people are better at making a visage for us to see.
But, that means that they just hold all the tension in...
And that's no good either.
You never know what goes on behind closed doors.



Wow... I just hit a road block.
Does that ever happen to you while you are trying to type a post? or email?
That last thought process... Well... it sent my mind elsewhere.


"...behind closed doors."

**ponders**
Let's change the topic shall we... I feel the need to actual post something outside of the 30 Days of Me.

For me it is very hard not to be who I am.
I know that statement may not make sense...
But, I wish I could be more easy going.
I wish that I wasn't the type of person who needed a plan, or a routine.
I wish I wasn't the type of person who is easily disrupted by the SMALLEST inconsistency.
But, I am.
And sometimes it sucks.

I have been having panic attacks since last Saturday.
For no reason, clear out of the blue... seemingly triggered by nothing.
I am not centered.
I am not even calmed by the routine...
And, it's as if I am losing my focus.
Which, scares me even AFTER I get over the panic attack.

Losing my focus is not something I am willing to do.
My driving force is to good for Emry.
My driving force is to get us to a life we deserve.
But, what if it is more than we deserve?
Now, everyone will always say...
You deserve the best.....
But, seriously, what if my idea of what I deserve...
and what I actually deserve...
Are two different sides of the spectrum?
Are we in control of our destiny?
or is our destiny in control of us?

I always believe the latter....
But, it makes me wonder...
When I hear of people just scraping by...
But having the ability to stay home with their kid(s).
I wonder how they can do that?
Because for some reason I cannot.
I envy that.
The knowledge that it will be okay..
Even if I am NOT pushing myself to the BRINK of EXHAUSTION.
I know that there are so many different worries that people in that situation have that are MORE severe than I.
But...
If happiness is the goal...
Why should MONEY cloud it?

Life wouldn't be any easier...
It would just be different...
Good Different?
Bad Different?
I can't tell you that...


But... at the end of the day...
What if my best is being misdirected...
Does that make sense?

Hmmmm....
I have a lot to think about...




Thursday, August 16, 2012

Day 23 - Movies I quote the most

30 Days of Me!

DAY 23
Movies I quote the Most


I think a week doesn't go by, when my dad and I don't start spouting off some

"Pirates of the Carribbean"


or


"Firefly/Serenity"



There is a time when I could tell you most of the

"Forrest Gump"

Interesting quotes.



But, it has to be in a conversation with witty banter... or else it's just not fun.


"we're going to need a goat and a trumpet... and I can do this *wiggles fingers*"


"Crash? My ship don't crash, if it crashes... YOU crashed her."


etc.
etc.
etc.



Still in a funk.
Can't really get out of it.
Really really feeling like hiding under my covers is the best decision.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Day 22: What I want my future to be like

30 Days of Me:

DAY 22:
What I want my future to be like



I want it to be happy.
Whether I am broke, just making it, or well off...
I want it to be happy.


I want the options..
I want the ability to act on those options...



I want all this stress to pay off and turn into something.



I want my future to be the Life I Think I Deserve.


I wish I could type more than that.
I know these posts are supposed to let you all know more about me... and for me to really get to know myself...

But, right now, where I am at..
Emotionally...
I'm just not there.
I don't want to GET to know me....
I want to get to know someone else.

Someone more productive...
Someone who has their shit straight....


I don't.
I have so many things just dangling up in the air....
If any one of them falls...
I would fall...
It would all go to shit.

And I know that.


My future?


I want all my shit to get worked out.
I want to be free....



I want to be free to have my own existance.




**sighs**

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Friday, August 10, 2012

Day 20: Something I wonder "What If" about?

30 DAYS OF ME!

DAY TWENTY:
SOMETHING I WONDER
"WHAT IF"
ABOUT



I was about THIS close to becoming a pharmacist.

Stuff happened...

Stuff got away from me....

Stuff got OUT OF HAND.....


I wonder what if I had stayed in Pharmacy School.
I wonder what if I said fuck it, to the people who I knew weren't a good influence on me, but accepted me nonetheless.



When money is tight...
When everything is falling down around me....
That's what I wonder about.


What if I got my Pharmacy Doctorate.

...............


What if I made $90k+ annually?

....................

**SIGHS**

But, "What If" leads to regret.
And I regret nothing about my life.
It may suck from time to time.
But I have exactly what I need, exactly WHEN I need it.


I love my son.
I love Klay.

And who knows whether I would have either of them....
If I had stayed in Pharmacy School.





Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Day 17 and Day 19 (Because I totally skipped one)

30 DAYS OF ME!

DAY SEVENTEEN
(BECAUSE I SKIPPED IT YESTERDAY)
First 10 songs on my shuffled iPOD

&

DAY NINETEEN
What you wish for at 11:11





DAY 17:


1) Lady Antebellum - Hello World
2) Emish - Freefall
3) Dessa - The Crow
4) John Mayer - Assassin
5) Avenged Sevenfold - Welcome to the Family
6) Andrea Bocelli - Amapola
7) Evanescence - Exodus (demo)
8) Five Finger Death Punch - Bad Company (cover)
9) Lisa Loeb - We Could Still Belong Together
10) Once Upon a Mattress Soundtrack (Sarah Jessica Parker) - Shy


I hope this shows you how much of a musical schizophrenic I am.
I love it all....



DAY 19:

Now are we talking 11:11am or 11:11pm?

Is it on a weekday or a weekend?

Weekday - 11:11a - I am wishing for lunchtime... so that I can get my lunch eaten at my desk and then run to the gym at work....
Weekday - 11:11p - Wishing occurs in your awake moments, so probably wishing to be asleep

Weekend - 11:11a - To be almost done with the chores/food shopping
(unless it's RenFaire time, and then.. it's wishing for the sun to stay behind the clouds.)
Weekend - 11:11p - Well, probably if I am awake... wishing that I stay awake a little longer, because that's when Klay and I usually have our 100% alone time.



Sorry that I skipped a day!
And now...
I am all caught up!

Huzzah!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Day 18: Something I miss

30 DAYS OF ME

DAY EIGHTEEN:
SOMETHING I MISS



Well...
Hmm.....


This is actually a really hard question for me.
I am the kind of person that does not live in the past, or hold on to silly things, like regret.


I tend to get over shit pretty easily and quickly.
It may not be fully processed, but I can compartmentalize that shit so far in the back of my brain, that it doesn't see the light of day for YEARS.


But...
What do I miss....


I miss being a kid.
I miss having no responsibilities.
I miss not knowing what I mortgage is...
I miss when my lunch cost only $1.50.
I miss...
Wearing shorts all summer and playing outside.
I miss... not working.
I miss Emry being a baby-faced munchkin....

I miss...
Summer Vacation.....
Running after the ice cream man...
Make believe games....
Sleeping past 7a....


But, with all those things that I miss...
I love so many others...


The good out weighs the bad....
The present and potential future shines brighter than the past....


And that's it.


Do you miss anything?


Monday, August 6, 2012

Day 16: 7 things that cross your mind a lot

THIRTY DAYS OF ME

DAY SIXTEEN:

SEVEN THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND A LOT



1)

My son:
I know it's very ordinary... But I think about Emry a lot.
What he's doing,
If he's behaving himself,
If he's sad,
If he's lonely.
If I'm doing right by him.
How is eczema is doing.
etc. etc.


2)

House to do's:
I have a running chore list in my head at all times.
Because if I don't do it, or remember it...
It doesn't get done.

3)
Money.
As in..
Do I have enough to pay this bill?
Am I saving enough?
Am I spending too much?



4)
Recently... the Kitten.
He's so cute and fluffy...
I can't help it.
I love him.


5)
Food.
Yup, I'm pudgy and I know it.
I like food... a lot.
I can plan a whole meal in my mind...
How I'm going to prepare it
and
the like.


6)
Klay
Things that have occurred during our weekend.
Things I want to get to do.
Things that make me happy.
Things that sometimes upset me.


7)
My weight.
Since #5 is a big deal..
This takes a portion of my brain power.
Am I exercising enough?
Am I trying my best to maintain my weight.
Will I weigh myself today?
You know....
Normal insecure woman stuff.


What do you think about a lot?


Friday, August 3, 2012

Day 15: Death Row Meal

30 DAYS OF ME!

DAY FIFTEEN:
DEATH ROW MEAL.



"Nobody knows... the Trouble I seen... Nobody knows my SORRRRRROW!"

Um,
Well...

My last meal?



I'm not hungry right now,
It makes it hard to think what I would eat...


***INTERMISSION UNTIL I CAN THINK ABOUT FOOD***


Well it would have to be fattening, and indulgent.
That's the point right?


How about this:

First Course:
Hot BONELESS (I'm dying, I want as much meat as I can get) Wings
and Blue Cheese Dressing.
paired with a nice DARK BEER


Second Course:
a Spinach salad with Seasoned Smoked Goat Cheese
Creamy Balsamic Vinegarette
Red Peppers
paired with another DARK BEER

Third Course:
Holstein Schnitzel
with Mashed Cheesey Garlic Bacon Potatos
and Buttered Spaetzel.
and yes... another dark beer

Four Course:
a Hot Blondie
(not a girl... it's a warmed chocolate chip brownie)
with a huge scoup of Malted Milk Crunch Icream,
Fudge and Caramel Sauce.
With Espresso made by a 4'11" italian grandmother no younger than 95 years old.
(they make the best espresso).



Yeah that will do.





Thursday, August 2, 2012

Conjuring... I swear to God

Have you ever played Bloody Mary?
Or any of those types of games?


You simply have to say this entities name, and POOF
they appear.


Much the same with my mother.

If you remember,
We spoke briefly of her during the beginning of my
30 DAYS OF ME!


**SIGHS**

And, as if she heard me....
She called my father first thing this morning.


Telling him to make me let her see my son.
Yup, I will say this again.


SHE
TOLD HIM (my dad)
TO MAKE ME (yup make me)
LET HER (the psycho)
SEE MY (as in MINE)
SON (as in EMRY)


And if I he wouldn't do that.
HE SHOULD LET HER SEE EMRY, AND NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT.


Are you scratching your heads?


I'll break that one down as well.

HE (my dad)
SHOULD LET HER (the psycho)
SEE EMRY (my son)
and NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT (as in it be a secret)



He obviously told her that wasn't going to happen.
That he was going to tell me.
And that was it.


She asked him a bunch of why questions

WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER?
WHY WON'T SHE LET ME SEE EMRY?
WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE HER?


I'm 27 years old, and I am Emry's mother.
I decide what is allowed.
I decide who exists in his world.
and I decide who we don't interact with.
She is not a safe person.


AND THAT IS IT.


She "threatened" just showing up at the Renaissance Faire to see Emry.

Which boils my blood.

If she SHOWS UP and approaches my son and I in a public setting, when she knows perfectly well that I do not want contact with her...
I will LOSE my mind.

And not in a violent, get myself in trouble way... but in a very poised adult.... I'm getting a restraining order way.


**SIGHS**

It comes to the point where I just want to call her and scream at her.
ASK HER HOW STUPID DOES SHE THINK I AM.
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW STUPID IS SHE?

But, then, as soon as that thought enters, it is quickly diminished.
That is what she wants.
She wants the drama.
She feeds off of it.


I am going to my local police department tonight and I am going to see what my rights are in this situation.

Get all the facts.



So, when and if this does happen,
I have the upper hand.





Day 14: A picture of me from Last Year


30 DAYS OF ME!

DAY FOURTEEN:

A PICTURE OF ME FROM LAST YEAR
(AND HOW YOU'VE CHANGED)





This is a picture from the weekend trip Klay and I took last year.


My hair has dyed out. It isn't quite as dark.
It's much longer.
If I recall my hair didn't go that far past my shoulders and now, well it's the middle of my back.
And I know have GREEN contacts rather than GOLDEN HONEY contact lenses.
I have lost 20 lbs (give or take) in the past year.


I have calmed SEVERELY since last year.
I have far less mental breaks.
I am mentally/emotionally secure in my relationship.

Emry has grown 6 inches since last year.
He is 47 inches tall now. (I am 64 inches... how bizarre is that?)

I am still work at the same job.
I get paid more now.

I still own the necklace I am wearing in the picture, and the dress too.
I bet the dress will be too big now.
That's pretty awesome.... I'm going to go try it on when I get home.

I don't straighten my hair as much... I let it go wavy and natural now...

Other than that...
I'm not sure what else has changed....

I'm happier.
That's a good thing.

I feel more secure.
That's a SUPER THING!


How about you?
What has changed in the past year for you?







Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Day 13: TV Shows I am Addicted To

30 DAYS OF ME!

Day THIRTEEN:
TV SHOWS I AM ADDICTED TO


This is all between us right?

**giggles**

I watch very little TV.
But, I have a few.....


READY?



The River.
Sadly this only made it through one season.
I heard it was cancelled.
That the masses HATED IT.
I LOVED IT.
ALL OF IT.
EVERY LAST BIT.


Firefly
I watch this on repeat, or I pop in the DVD.
Yup, another one seasoner.


Ghost Hunters International
First season was amazing... and now they are kind of corny.
I am not a fan of some of the "methods" they use.
But, it's good fun.
I love all things paranormal.


Recently,
BUNHEADS.
wait wait wait...
Don't judge...
Anyone ever watch Gilmore Girls?
Well, I was addicted to that until they cancelled it.
And the box set is STILL oober expensive.
But, this is written and produced by the same woman.
Her husband died..
So the banter is really one sided.
But it is very reminiscent of Gilmore.


Oddities.
Say no more.
It's awesome.


Hmmmmmmm.......
Any other shows....
Well... Kind of...
But those are more, Guilty Pleasure if none of the above are on.......

And they are:

*Storage Wars
* Intervention
* Dance Moms (it's a train wreck!)
* Americas Got Talent (Emry really digs it)
*Anger Management (Charlie Sheen is funny, and full of himself.. oh hell it's easy to watch)
* Chopped
* Top Chef
* Project Runway
* Diners, Dives, and Drive-ins (It think that's what it is called)
* Bizarre Foods
* Man Vs. Food (repeats)



I know it appears from the above names that I watch A LOT of TV.
But, most of this is watched on Demand... over the process of a month.
I am lucky if I get to watch.... an hour a night...
And that's in my semi-conscious state.



What do you guys watch?