When I was married... When I was still holding on to the fact that I would do anything for
that loser my husband... I went through a VERY paranoid, crazy phase.
I thought that if I controlled the situation, that things would get better.
See I told you, complete and utter crazy thinking went on during this period.
I would do the worst things.
Things that I would never even consider doing today.
I went into facebooks, I read emails, I went through drawers, I investigated his car, I read texts, went through phone logs... went through the trash.....
Trying to do what?
Trying to make him admit to what was really going on.
Trying to find reasons why I was no longer pretty, funny, sexy, worth of his love.
I drove myself insane.
I made myself very unhappy.
I held on, and obsessed for way too long.
I allowed myself, to become this fragmented woman, because this .... BECAUSE HE COULDN'T/WOULDN'T LOVE ME LIKE HE ONCE DID.
I have come to the realization that he never loved me. That he used me for all I was worth, and when he had to work on things... he gave up.... because why work, when you can get something for free from some one else.
Why write this?
I'm starting to see something.... in my relationship with Klay... in me.... that is making me wonder if I am beginning to tread along a very similar path.
Let's break it down.
SEX is very important to me.
I feel that in a good relationship that sex should be a semi-regular occurrence.
It is NOT a necessity... but I should be able to count on both my hands how many times I've made love/fucked/quickied, with my S.O., in a month.
It's just how I am.
A lot of you are shocked...
When that falls to the wayside... when life gets in the way.... ALL THE TIME.... I start to wonder... What am I doing wrong? What is wrong? What is wrong with him? Is there something up? Am I getting bored? Is HE getting bored? Are we not that IN to each other anymore? Is he cheating? Does he think I'm CHEATING? Am I not looking as NICE/SEXY/POUNCE WORTHY as I should be? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN?
Once these thought patterns start...
The paranoia kicks in.
I have to take a deep breath and resist the urge to go to a garbage... or shut down emotionally... or read a text.... or wonder why he password protects his phone.... or or or or or or or .... Do you see the cycle?
I have a wonderful man.
He is mine.
I know this.
He is mine for the rest of my days.
I know this.
I thought I knew this.
And that is the truth.
I am having such a separation...
I am beginning to doubt myself.
To doubt us.
I asked him... in a text... because honestly, when he isn't at the house, and is at his apartment, getting him on the phone is impossible, and driving over on his NIGHT ALONE is really rude (in my opinion)
I asked him if he still wanted me like he used too.
That I was serious.
And that I needed the answer.
I know, I sound desperate and insecure.
I was feeling desperate and insecure, so at least it is accurate.
He told me of course he did. He thought I was gorgeous.
I believe him.
But this morning, when he came so that he could put Emry on the bus....
I almost couldn't let him touch me.
I felt uncomfortable.
I felt uncomfortable because I couldn't believe... I couldn't believe how quickly I returned to my former state. How quickly I saw NICK in my current situation... and how scarred I am still from my previous marriage.
And, as I write this, I feel tension ease from my shoulders.
Writing this is cathartic.