People Just as Crazy as Me

Friday, September 28, 2012

Old habits and all that....**A Girly Emotional Post**

When I was married... When I was still holding on to the fact that I would do anything for that loser my husband... I went through a VERY paranoid, crazy phase.
I thought that if I controlled the situation, that things would get better.
See I told you, complete and utter crazy thinking went on during this period.
I would do the worst things.
Things that I would never even consider doing today.
I went into facebooks, I read emails, I went through drawers, I investigated his car, I read texts, went through phone logs... went through the trash.....
Trying to do what?
Trying to catch the motherfucker continually cheating on me.
Trying to make him admit to what was really going on.
Trying to find reasons why I was no longer pretty, funny, sexy, worth of his love.
I drove myself insane.
I made myself very unhappy.
I held on, and obsessed for way too long.
I allowed myself, to become this fragmented woman, because this .... BECAUSE HE COULDN'T/WOULDN'T LOVE ME LIKE HE ONCE DID.
I have come to the realization that he never loved me. That he used me for all I was worth, and when he had to work on things... he gave up.... because why work, when you can get something for free from some one else.
Why write this?
Why now?
I'm starting to see something.... in my relationship with Klay... in me.... that is making me wonder if I am beginning to tread along a very similar path.
Let's break it down.
SEX is very important to me.
I feel that in a good relationship that sex should be a semi-regular occurrence.
It is NOT a necessity... but I should be able to count on both my hands how many times I've made love/fucked/quickied, with my S.O., in a month.
It's just how I am.
I know.
A lot of you are shocked...
Probably not.
When that falls to the wayside... when life gets in the way.... ALL THE TIME.... I start to wonder... What am I doing wrong? What is wrong? What is wrong with him? Is there something up? Am I getting bored? Is HE getting bored? Are we not that IN to each other anymore? Is he cheating? Does he think I'm CHEATING? Am I not looking as NICE/SEXY/POUNCE WORTHY as I should be? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN?
Once these thought patterns start...
The paranoia kicks in.
I have to take a deep breath and resist the urge to go to a garbage... or shut down emotionally... or read a text.... or wonder why he password protects his phone.... or or or or or or or .... Do you see the cycle?
I have a wonderful man.
He is mine.
I know this.
He is mine for the rest of my days.
I know this.
I thought I knew this.
And that is the truth.
I am having such a separation...
I am beginning to doubt myself.
To doubt us.
I asked him... in a text... because honestly, when he isn't at the house, and is at his apartment, getting him on the phone is impossible, and driving over on his NIGHT ALONE is really rude (in my opinion)
I asked him if he still wanted me like he used too.
That I was serious.
And that I needed the answer.
I know, I sound desperate and insecure.
I was feeling desperate and insecure, so at least it is accurate.
He told me of course he did. He thought I was gorgeous.
I believe him.
But this morning, when he came so that he could put Emry on the bus....
I almost couldn't let him touch me.
I felt uncomfortable.
I felt uncomfortable because I couldn't believe... I couldn't believe how quickly I returned to my former state. How quickly I saw NICK in my current situation... and how scarred I am still from my previous marriage.
And, as I write this, I feel tension ease from my shoulders.
Writing this is cathartic.

Obviously not so hard!

Yup, never rely on the search engine at Walmart's "My Store".
These weren't even listed.
Low and Behold, I did my food shopping a night early, and THERE THEY WERE... SMILING AT ME... quite literally.
Stupid internet, letting me down.
Here's the kicker....
They cancelled the trip... until Monday... Due to the WEATHER.
Oh, well, he is WEARING these very cute Rainboots on Monday.
And that is IT.
In other news..
Work stinks.
Just saying.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

How hard is it?

How hard is it to find a pair of RAIN BOOTS... for a kid?
Walmart.... Payless... Target....
What's the deal?!
I know that you can't keep a LARGE stockpile of them... you know for the rarity that you must sell them.
HOWEVER: How about a section where they would be? How about a picture or a sign that indicates that you actually SELL THE BLOODY THINGS?!?!?!???!?!?!?!?!?!
And how is it, that none of these places have a single pair in STOCK?!
Because I need a pair.
For Emry.
The school is going on a very cute field trip: APPLE PICKING.
And last minute we have been informed that the children will need boots, preferably rain boots... as the grounds will be MUDDY.
I am going to scour the town tonight. For Rain BOOTS!
I feel like I'm traveling into the Rain Forest looking for a crucial Vaccine that is found from some rare ass flower. . . . .
Stupid Rain Boots.

Just saying.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Can you believe?

October is next Monday.
We have already FLOWN through September.
I am so amazed.
I can't believe it.
Before you know it... Holidays will begin....
And by me... SNOW......
I can see that since the end of the Challenge... and I have stopped the Daily Topics... that my numbers have slid. Oh well, I needed to take a break. I need to remove myself from the over structure.
I was keeping myself down.
And my life and goals are to move on and up.
I can't be holding myself down.
I can't let anyone hold me down.
Moving on....
I read a lot of material about a child who gets Over-Stimulated in Large Groups.
I read a lot about how my anxiety of his behavior can fuel into his (and my) meltdown.
I read A LOT.
And.. then... after gaining new perspective.
I sat my son down last night, for an "interactive talk".
I drew a
=(   SAD  
and a
 >:(   MAD
And I said, "Emry this is how your behavior made mommy feel yesterday. Can you tell me what these faces mean."
He told me Sad and Mad. He was right.
I asked him, "Can you draw me a face or a couple of faces about how you were feeling yesterday?"
He drew a Sad face, and... well... that was it.
I asked him why he was sad.
He wasn't sure why. But it' s how he felt.
So we began to continue on this path of talking and drawing:
  • Our feelings
  • What we can do to NOT freak out
  • What we can do to learn to LISTEN
  • so on and so forth

At the end of the conversation, he was still grounded, because his calm now doesn't change the craziness from Sunday.
But, at least now, I hope we have a plan to help him decompress and calm down.
We will see.

But, the interactive talk... at least that's what I am calling it... Seemed to keep us on track with the conversation...

It just kind of came to me.... Not sure from where.
But, I liked the method and flow of it.

Well, I have to work.
But as we are getting closer and closer to October, I cannot wait to begin my list.

Can't wait to be embrace being ME.

Lots of love my friends.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Parenting Woes

I have a good son
I have a good son, who is sometimes a little shit.
I have a good son, who is sometimes a little shit, who makes me want to jump off a very high bridge.
I have a good son, who is sometimes a little shit, who makes me want to jump off a very high bridge, while ingesting pop rocks and Pepsi.
There we go.
Center of Attention.
My son has a problem when he is not the center of attention...
My son has a problem when there is a group of people, and he is not the leader of the group.
I'm not sure.
And I can't figure out what triggers it.
But, the only out bursts that we have anymore consist of:
  • Being in a group of people adults.
  • Out at a restaurant/mall/fair
  • With a lot of visual stimulation
  • A lot of adult conversation
  • Minimal child activities
  • The adults not having constant focus on Emry.
Now... these outbursts are like a slow leak in a tire.
They just keep happening, and getting bigger... until... it's uncontrolled.
Why don't I address the behavior?
Well, I do... I am on top of my shit.
Or at least I think I am.
I pull him aside, I do not belittle/yell at him in front of people (that would be wrong).
But, when it comes to these social leaks... You can discuss it a MILLION times... He just keeps getting... progressively more defiant.... ignores you...
Until, well, I won't allow it any longer and I take him home.
But, by this point, I am so stressed and anxious... and far gone... All I want to do is yell... and freak out.....
And I do...
Not to the extreme... but I let it out....
And then... the next day.... he's fine.
Like nothing ever happened.
Back to his normal self.
I want to know how I can stop these problems before they result in me going home.
I want to know the tools I can use in order to break through to my child... so that we can continue to have a good time...........
I don't ignore him when we are with a group of adults... The adults talk to him as well....
It just doesn't make sense.
Klay thinks that he is trying to be "cool" in front of the adults.
Especially the FEMALE ones.
I think that he is bored, and will push my every button in order to go home.
Because lying in bed, not playing with anything, MUST be more fun than being outside on a beautiful day looking at cool stuff, playing games, and having Mama hang out with her friends before sundown for once in the past YEAR.
Do you see my personal problem?
Do you see why I need to find some sort of solace... or ZEN way to get to the bottom of this.
Parenting Woes... from the Twenty Seven Year Old Working Quasi Single Mom.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Friday Friday Friday

Can you believe it's Friday?
When did that happen?
This week... as crazy as it was....
Is finally at a close.
But, I still have the endless amount of weekend to get through.
We are in the last weekend of the Ren Faire, and then maybe I can have a few weekends off to do nothing.
Thank you to the few of you who have given me suggestions for my "List".
I think that a few days before my birthday, I will post the completed list, and then we'll start to see how it unfolds. If anyone has any additional ideas... don't hesitate to add them.
Tonight is the Kindergarten Pasta Dinner at Emry's school, and I am very excited to meet his teacher and see his friends... Just get the whole experience!
However, that is not all I have to do tonight.
  1. Emry wants to go buy his Power Ranger costume from Spirit Halloween. (We may do this to kill time before the Pasta Dinner).
  2. I have to do a MEGA food shopping.
  3. My friend Angel... who is a teeny minnie wants to raid my Ren Fair Garb Bag, for options, as she will be coming to the last day of faire.
  4. I have to pre-make a bunch of food for the next few weeks. Emry gave me some really great ideas... so, I think I will spend many hours (into the early morning) cooking, cooling, and freezing food.
  5. I have to put away laundry.
  6. I have to vacuum the living room, and the stairs (I hate vacuuming the stairs... it kills my back to carry that damn upright.... The vacuum companies should make a SUPER EXTENDO HOSE for such obstacles... Just saying).
  7. Sleep... there needs to be some sort of sleep in there.
It's a pretty hefty list.
And it's not like I haven't been doing house chores all week.
Thus, is the life of a Working - Quasi - Single Mother....
By lunch time I should know about the promotion.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I need 5 ideas!

I still need 5 ideas for things to accomplish....For ME....
My birthday is in T-Minus: 3 weeks and 1 day.
Come on everyone!
I want to be able to start taking my life on HARDCORE!
In other news:
I had an interview for a better position within the building on Monday. I know, it's an endless cycle, but I won't give up... I'm just not built that way. It went really well, and I really feel good about it. Fingers and Toes Crossed. I should hear something about it tomorrow.
My cat is officially better. ... He is all bouncing around and being a kitten.
TOOK A LONG TIME... But thank god.
Emry is very happy in school, there hasn't been any problems... or misconceptions....
This time last year, I had already decided to HATE the Pre-K he was in... This year...
I just have to say, I love public school. We have a Spaghetti Dinner on Friday with all of the Kindergarteners and their parentals.... It's very cute. No mandatory fundraising. There has been one, but we didn't HAVE to do it.
I've been in a really good mood.... This week has been pretty much perfect.
It's good to feel good.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I stole it. Thanks Amy @ Non-stop Mom.

I was over at Non Stop Mom and she had posted about "tired of being mom".
And as we all know, I have had that moment recently.
Her post really resonated with me, because I think as mothers, we all go through it... A LOT.
It's not that we really want to hand our children over and give up. We just want to be US and MOM. Not just MOM.
I also, liked, that at the bottom of the post she listed 27 things that she wanted to do BEFORE her birthday this year. THINGS JUST FOR HER.
How awesome is that? I've been doing 1 thing a week for me. Just little things... but JUST for me.
In a strange way, it helps... A LOT.
My birthday is about a month away (**cough Cough** october11th *cough Cough*)
So, I was thinking.. Is Miss Amy right? Should a list be written of things I want to do before my birthday? Well... with less then 30 days, I don't think I would be able to do that much. But....
I morphed it.... and stole it..... I think Amy can sue me for that... But, I hope she won't.
Starting on my birthday... I will begin the bottom list.  And, when I complete an aspect of the list, I will write a post about it.... even if it will be basically... "Did number 11".... And even if it means repetively telling y'all "Went walking".
So let's write up a list.
  1. Go to an Awesome Halloween Event... like a Cheesy Haunted House.
  2. Go on a real Ghost Hunt.
  3. Hike up that mountain that overlooks Lake Minnewaska... AKA: stop being such a baby about heights, and falling.
  4. Bake something edible, and not like cupcakes... like a cake, or a cobbler or something.
  5. Read at least one book a month.
  6. Get a mani/pedi.
  7. Do Processed Food & Red meat Fast: One week of just Veggies and Fruits.
  8. Stick to my guns, and pre-make dinners for the freezer, instead of saying I'm going to do it and forget. (Atleast twice a month.... don't want to overpack the freezer)
  9. Buy a set of free weights, and exercise 2x a week at home.
  10. Actually take 3x a week to walk/jog for 20minute (or more) intervals.
  11. Date Night. It's been too long.
  12. Go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art OR ANY MUSEUM.
  13. Pumpkin Picking
  14. Play my guitar at least once a month.
  15. *WILD CARD*
  16. *WILD CARD*
  17. *WILD CARD*
  18. *WILD CARD*
  19. *WILD CARD*
  20. *WILD CARD*
Okay Numbers 15 - 20... What's up with the Wild Card?, you ask......

Suggest 5 things you want me to do... And I will add them to the list, and then complete them.
In some way shape or form. Sounds like fun? Okay, get brain storming.

I will begin "The List" on October 11th.....

Happy Tuesday.

Monday, September 17, 2012


I am completely OCD... I have my ticks, and I have things that I need to do in a specific order.
We've covered this before.
I have been.... slipping recently.
I have been...... less "on top of my shit" recently....
And I haven't spazzed out once.
I know, it's amazing...
But, why?
Because, as we know, my life is a scheduled event... with tiny moments of sporadic mayhem.
Recently, it hasn't bothered the fuck out of me, that I am not posting first thing in the morning... or AT ALL.
Recently, if I make a schedule of things to clean, it doesn't bother me when I do Tuesdays Chores on Monday... or if someone HELPS ME, but only does one of the chores on the day list.
I know... I must be sick.. these things NEVER HAPPEN.
I'm psychotic-OCD.
But, I have finally got to the realization (with the cleaning/chores at least), as long as it gets done... Why does it need to be in an order?
If Emry eats dinner as soon as he walks through the front door OR plays for a little bit while I get settled enough to cook... DOES THE WORLD END?
It doesn't.
Believe me... I've checked.
I do, still, hate being late to places/events. That will never change. But, the stuff at home (or here)... well, they can get done as they may during the week.... As long as they don't overflow. That's all that matters to me.
Are we impressed?
Even with all the stress... the car.... the cat... the migraine... the allergies...
Even with all of that, I am starting to let my life be... a LIFE.
I am starting to settle into my own, and be less...... in control.
It's an amazing feeling.
And is my accomplishment for the week.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Migraines and You... well actually me

The busyness of yesterday probably got to me because last night (or early this morning) around 2 a.m. I was awoken by this searing pain that went THROUGH my right eye and right out my skull. I thought I had been stabbed by a dagger through my FACE.
Nope. Just a migraine.
I haven't had one of these in a while.
So, I took some Acetominophen and got some ice packs... and tried to lay back down.
The noise of the fan was killing me, so I turned it off.
Klay had this nature soundmaker app, playing on his phone... I begged him to turn that off.
In the silence I could still here the wind moving outside and the fish tank bubbling on the first floor.
The room was spinning one way, when my body felt as if it were spinning the oppoiste way.
I thought I would be sick... I almost was sick.... Even the cold bathroom floor did nothing for me.
Finally, after trembling, crying, and praying for it to end, I fell asleep.
I woke up after the alarm, but feeling about 80% better... Then I stood up to get dressed....
Migraine came right back.
So, since I have a vacation day tomorrow, and I had to take a day of on Tuesday, I couldn't rightly take today off as well... THAT WOULD BE A HORRIBLE IDEA.
So, I am sitting in my coffice (Cubicle + Office = Coffice  ALSO: a coffin sized office.) trembling under the burning flourescent lights..........My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my body is cold as ice.... THIS SUCKS.
I wish I could read.... I am trying to get through this trilogy...
Here. Check it out.
 The Law is My Shepherd: A Novel of The Overnight (Volume 1)
Blood for the Marked Man (The Overnight)
Best Job in the World: A Novel of The Overnight (Volume 3)
They are very well written, and the story will keep you guessing until the very end. I am currently on book 2 - Blood for the marked man, and I just love it.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

When you break something... break it good

Yesterday and the day before were just so wonderful!
**eye tick**
Sorry that was sarcasm.
Monday when I was 5 minutes from picking up Emry.. I almost was in a car accident.
I avoided getting into a car accident. I didn't hit anyone, or anything.
I still broke a $540- part.
Stupid electronic part.
So Tuesday, I missed work... because I had no way to get here.
I did a lot of house cleaning.
And Klay even let me borrow his car so I could pick up Emry from School, as long as I turned around and picked him up from work.
The only reason I got to work today, is because I dropped my father off at the train station and borrowed his car.
I feel like a teenager again, driving my fathers car.
But, by this evening, my car should be 100% again.
I just know that I really need to get my ass in motion to save for a new car... and fast.
Because this was an indication, that my car is on it's way out.
I am buried in work, and I have so much left to do.
Until later.

Monday, September 10, 2012


My office decided to KEEP THE A/C on.. when it is only 65 degrees out side. So our building... is ICE COLD.
I have on along sleeve shirt as it is.
And a sweater draped around my legs for warmth...
This stinks.
Our weekend was quick.
And hectic.
The kitten had some booster shots on Friday.. and had an adverse reaction.
He's sick.
His nose is all white, and he is SEVERELY Lethargic.
No Mouth Breathing, No puking, No diarrhea... But also, not a lot of water intake, or pooping.
He was limping until Sunday Morning.
He's just... 6 lbs of fur.
That's it.
The Vet isn't concerned.
But we are.
Booster Vaccinations shouldn't do THIS!
I think we are going to take him today.
Whether they like it or not.
We were supposed to go (Emry free) to the Ren Faire on Saturday... but since Bryce was so sick, we opted to stay home and just relax.
Which turned out to be a smart choice, since there were Tornado Warnings, and the faire was closed at 1p.
Sunday, since Bryce was moving better (but still not right)... we decided to join my sister and her family (who came down from 2 hours away), for a tiny bit of Faire.
Which was hectic. Running from place to place. Can't really chill... But, you know, it was her adopted son's first time there. It was new and exciting. That's something you understand as a parent. I'm not sure my sister understands that.
She is very used to everything being about her.
Not that's a problem.
But, she needs to learn to adjust.
We got home on Sunday, and just died.
Literally, we ate a small dinner and just sat around. Chatting and Being Complacent on the couch.
I can't wait for a relaxing weekend to come along.
I am getting really tired of running from place to place every weekend.
For every 3 hectic weekends, there needs to be 1 relaxing weekend.
I have just made it one, but, I'm sure you get it.
So, now it's Monday, and here I am... at my desk... working in the periphery.
Trying to make sure that I keep my mind on the major things that need to get done AFTER work.
Like Emry's hair.... that's just a mess. It needs a trim and a style... he's just... CRAZY HAIR right now.
But, that's it... for now.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Think before you Post... or LIKE someones post?

I was in the car today, listening to my morning radio show and commuting in to my job....
A story came over the air, of an employee at a local court system, I believe he was a security guard, who LIKED something on facebook. This LIKE was about an article regarding a court case where he resided.
His direct boss saw this, and when they were both at work, he suspended the security guard without pay for 30 days.
Wait... WHAT?!
No direct comment about the court case, just a LIKE... and he was suspended WITHOUT PAY?!
What is this world coming to?

I understand that here, on the Internet, free speech technically does not apply.
But, seriously... we are getting to the point where FACEBOOK can dictate our Employment?
I imagine there is a lawsuit in the near future regarding this.
I mean, seriously, there had BETTER be.
What if he liked the article because it discussed where he worked. The thought process could have been, "I work there! Cool! I'm liking this!" or "That's my back in the articles picture! AWESOME! I'm LIKING THIS!"  
But seriously, unless he commented something that showed bias about the case, is suspending him actually legal?
It makes me scared, as a blogger.
As it should make all of you...
A lot of the time, we let our freak flags fly and post honest, off-the-cuff remarks... about current events, local businesses, providers, restaurants, ex significant others, loser ex friends, deadbeats, etc.
What if on a google search, these "opinions" came up, and we were sued for libel?
That can happen.
That would suck.
I try to keep an anonymous nature to my blog. I use surnames for everyone.... well, after viewing my entire 511 posts... mostly everyone....
But, never last names.
You know?
When will the laws meet up to the technology?
When will we be safe to post, and like findings on the Internet... without the fear of persecution?
I don't know.
There are so many other major issues in our country right now... I guess the Internet just falls to the side.
So, my friends, THINK BEFORE YOU POST.
Especially if you keep your bosses, co-workers, or anyone who isn't 100% genuine on your Facebook, blog, twitter, etc.
Could be fatal.
Could be trouble.
And I want NOTHING of it.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Oh wait! I'm a BLOGGER!

No. I haven't forgotten about my Blogger'sponsibilities.
I've just been swamped.

Not like this.

Between the long holiday weekend, which included a 6 hour (one way trip) to Virginia and then Renaissance Faire on Monday.... Tuesday was Emry's School Orientation, and Wednesday the first day back to work (and Emry's first day of school...)...........I am surprised I remembered to put pants on after all of that.
First things first,
First day of School Pictures.
Yes, I know it looks like he has no arms.
They are behind his back.
I swear.

See look, there is a clear ARM in this picture,
so you know he has at least ONE.
Doesn't he look so big getting on the BUS!
His first day to school was great. He had a lot to tell me during bath time. He came home subdued; tired even. Which is amazing. I hope that this becomes habit, and that school really does utilize all most of the insane super hero amounts  his energy.
My first day back to work after a 4 day weekend. UGH. I had important emails to send, responses to insanely stupid questions, ADDITIONAL responses TO THE SAME PERSON about the same insanely stupid questions (and their lack of reading comprehension... well, not really, but in my head I did.)..... approvals..... and I still had to wrap up everything THIS morning.
And, as I look to my right, I see the mountain of filing that I have to do....
I hate filing...
It blows chunks.... TWICE.
I'll wait until after lunch.
It can wait.
I am finding that the past two mornings have been... really easy.... at home at least.
Since Emry is taking the bus, he can sleep until 6:40'ish... which is a WHOLE HOUR later than he usually does. And I don't have to push him to come for breakfast. I just wake him up, ask him what he wants to eat, and tell him he should come down while Klay is showering.
(That whole hour I have extra in the morning... I spend it actually making myself look presentable... and not a tired, working, mother zombie from hell).
I am calm.
The traffic is slightly thicker...
I get here 15 minutes later... But I am still 20-30 minutes early.
I like this routine.
My fear, because I always have a fear, is if Klay can handle this new morning routine.
I try to be as helpful as I can.
But, I know it's a big stretch that he has to tend to Joe first thing in the morning.
He usually sleeps through the morning routine.
We shall see.
I know Klay wants nothing more than to give Emry the gift of No-Morning-Latchkey.
Fingers crossed on that one.
I may have wavered on the Healthy Eating Front this past weekend. . . . It was a BBQ... and there were bagels every morning... I couldn't resist.... I'm a food junkie, and I know it.
But, I am basically back on track this week.
I could be walking more.. maybe today I'll walk at the gym during lunch.
OH BTW: The fat girl (who talks to me in my head) wants you all to know that there is a Mac-n-Cheese BBQ Pulled Pork Panini in the Office Cafeteria today... Now doesn't that sound Gluttonous and Delicious?
I can't eat it, even though I want to. ... Like really bad.
As we get closer to lunch.. I bet I cave and I get it.
My will power is very low.
I know it
You know it.
Let's not try to hide it anymore.
But, I will try to walk up and down the stairs TWICE as much today.
That sounds good.
Oh crap, more work just came in.
I guess this is bye for now...