We went to Barnes and Noble yesterday.
I was almost out of reading material... and Emry is ALWAYS out of books.
We read all of them so often, new ones are necessary... ALL THE TIME.
(I donate the older ones, that are too "baby" to keep in rotation.)
I am really into Jim Butcher (The Dresden Files) and Terry Pratchett (Witches Abroad... there are many others.)
But, even though I haven't read a Butcher or a Pratchett in months... I wanted to find a new author... to bring into my rotation. To expand my reading horizon.
Enter Ellen Hopkins.
The book I bought: CRANK.
Yup, it's about drug use.
But, it looked so promising.
It's poetry... written from the voice of a teenage girl... about her descent into drug use.
Most of you know my .... horrible past.... Most of you know how I picked myself up, and never turned back.
It's been a long time since that was even a glimmer of a thought in my world.
Yet, when I read this book... I feel....... Dirty for reading about it.
I flip through the pages slowly, but hungrily ... wanting every word to sink in.
Made my heart feel heavy.
The words made me feel... so sad.
I can't search my soul for it....
I just want to forget that I was ever that person...
But, why, after knowing it was about... did I buy it?
To see if I've grown enough to be unaffected by it....
as a reminder?
As to how bad things were?
how quickly everything can go up in smoke?
I'm not sure.
I just... well... I kind of wish I didn't buy it.
Does Barnes and Noble take returns..... even exchanges?
It's like I don't even want it in the house...
Like it's going to infect me in some way....
I know it won't.
I just can't even look at the book right now.
Feel like throwing holy water on it... and getting an Old Priest and a Young Priest to pray over it....
It kind of proves my point....
Even if you haven't RELAPSED... you are always an addict.
What keeps you in recovery... what keeps you clean... is keeping that life as far away from yourself as possible.
Words can be just as damaging.
Maybe in another 5 years... 10 years... I won't feel the same.
But right now...
Ellen Hopkins, with your truly deep words, and perfectly spun lines....
You have hit far too home with me....
You have touched that nerve... that I have been covering with protective body armour....
I'm going back to my Harry Dresden with the vampires, werewolves, and witty dark humor.
Because, honestly, I am not ready to even READ about this.