People Just as Crazy as Me

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Unmotivated.

I think a fair amount of stress can really break ones motivation.

I think that stressful situations day in and day out can really make one sick.

I've seen it happen.
The problem of shutting down due to stress runs in my family.
My mother, my sister, and I all have that problem.
Some of us more than others.

I use this tool as a way to process the stress, and make it bearable.

My mother self-medicates... and yells at everyone... or at least that's what she used to do.
It has been 3 years since I have physically seen her... The last conversation we had, which was about 6 months ago (at the most)... I was very calm, and she was an animal. I ended it calmly.... But, she was one of my biggest stressors so, I had to distance myself. For my (and Emry's) mental and physical safety.

My sister... well, she shuts down. She gets sick. She becomes reclusive... She does... everything I used to do. 

Yup. That's what I do.

My stress eats away at me... and if I don't fuel it into a conversation, or a blog post... I shut down. Long term. I go to a very dark place.

The last time I was in a place that dark... addiction set in.

It's a major fear... that I will one day succumb to those demons... and lose my way....

So, how does one stay motivated in the face of all this stress....

I don't know.

I write.
I write as much as I can.
I force myself to be as social as I can....
I pretend like I'm okay... which is a problem, I know... but, I have found that a happy outlook will turn "pretending" into "actuality"... eventually.

I knew there was starting to be a problem when... well...

I didn't want to go to work.

Now, I know I have told you about my job.
The cakewalk of a career...

I have never NOT wanted to come to work.
I have never NOT wanted to be in this building.
This job has helped me to become financially stable.
It has allowed me to provide for my son in a way I never dreamed possible...

But recently... the pillow seems more appealing.
TV shows and the couch seem more attractive than this desk and computer screen.

I want to be alone.
I want to be under a blanket.

That's where old fears start to creep in.
This is what happened.... the last time stress overtook my world.
This is what happened when I lost myself to a monster....

I am different now.
I know this.

The situation is different now.
I KNOW THIS.

But, why then? Why am I so afraid? Why am I so tired? Why am I so... un-motivated?

I have to many amazing things on the horizon... and most of them depend on me maintaining a steady income.

Perhaps that's the problem...

The pressure of remaining stable.
The pressure of consistency.
The pressure not to fail.

**SIGHS**

Yesterday, as I lay on my couch... when I should have been here... The thoughts of the pressure.. the thoughts of me losing my stride... well, it made me physically ill. I was sick for most of the day.

As I write this, I can feel the pit of my stomach turn... I can feel my core get heavy...

Where does one turn when they are supposed to be the leader?
Where does one turn when everyone looks to her for strength?
Where does one go, when she feels herself starting to lose stride?

I need to explain this to Klay.
He tries to help.
He sees me tired, sick, and broken... and he thinks that him doing everything, that it will make me better.

What's sad is... it won't make me better..... The laziness of being unmotivated and stressed sets in.
It makes me want to give up all of my responsibility to him.
It makes me want to become one with the sofa... One with the pillows and the darkness of my bedroom.

I cannot shut down.
It is not the time to shut down.

 New house is 60 days away.
It's within my grasp.
 I will have everything I ever dreamed for... The house, the partner, the family... the support...
I don't want to lose it.
I don't want to lose myself and lose everything I worked for....

I just can't seem to find my way out of this.

I just can't seem to find my way "home".

Klay asked me how I felt this morning...
I told him just as horrible as yesterday.
That I didn't want to go... how I cried about coming in today....
How I didn't have a choice.
That I cannot give myself a choice to not come.
That not having a choice made it bearable....

**SIGHS**

I've been ranting in this post for over an hour.
Still no resolution...
Still no answers...

I suppose I should keep writing...
A little more everyday...
Write the honest things that I hold in my head.
Write so much honesty that it provides my answer...

2 comments:

  1. I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but it was helpful to me.

    When I'm feeling stressed, I take a deep breath and accept it. Stress is part of life and I can get through it. I also find that endorphins (running, swimming, dance party) help too.

    And take a look at all those good things. Sometimes I book too many good things for myself and have to choose because I discovered that lots of good things can end up being bad for me somehow.

    It'll be ok. I'm just a stranger on the net, but I know it'll be ok.

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  2. It will be OK. I'm no stranger to stress, or depression. The feeling is overwhelming and scary as hell.

    When I feel anxious or sad, I try to remember that I've been there before, and survived. It's temporary. That gives me some comfort, knowing I can survive.

    I also have learned to lean on friends. You don't have to do it all yourself. That's why you have friends. :)

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