I've been dancing around this post for a week or so...
I haven't been able to really delve into it...
I'm afraid where it would take my emotional state...
Let's start at the beginning:
A week or so ago, we had a farewell luncheon, and it turned out to be a Pizza & Ice cream party (I know, what are we 6?).
Now, we all know that during the week, is when I am my most motivated..
I have structured meals..
And it's much easier to keep pushing towards my goal...
Pizza and Ice cream usually do not fit into that scenario.
Hell, they never fit in.
But, it was a farewell luncheon... and I didn't want to be the only one eating not the menu.
Somehow, in my mind, it would have been disrespectful....
I was truly blessed when I saw a BIG BOWL OF SALAD... I was really over the moon about it.
And there was veggie pizza...
So, 1 slice of pizza and the biggest helping of salad that I could manage on a plate.
Light italian dressing drizzled ontop...
Doesn't sound awful right?
I sat with Karissa and the new girl, Gia. We were joined by the entire Human Resources Department.
(Note: even though all of HR knows me by name, and we are social, they do not know me or my eating habits.)
Karissa (who has these very jealous moments) comments that she hasn't seen me eat "real" food in a long time.
Then Gia, who honestly is an easily led soul, fed off of that, and tried to keep on the "joke".
And made the comment, that I eat "like 2 grapes, and 2 pieces of broccoli."
And they laughed and laughed and laughed.
Meanwhile, the HR department is looking at me like I am crash dieting.
I kept saying things, calmly, because we were at a function, that they knew that wasn't the case, and not to say that. That I actually eat, and that it isn't funny to say I don't.
But, when I ate the pizza, with a knife and fork (because all the veggies had weighed it down, and made it impossible to pick up), they started in on me again.
I felt my tension growing..
I didn't let it show...
Not worth it in my book.
Then, it was ice cream time.
Usually my building carries the Skinny Cow ice creams, or Frozen Greek Yogurt bars..
Not that day... and I really didn't want to slam an entire ice cream sandwich into my body...
Just because everyone else was.
So I passed.
They started in on me again.
And then Gia offered to cut her ice cream sandwich in half, because she didn't want the whole thing.
So, I rationalized that... it wasn't so bad to eat half... and if she wasn't eating the whole thing anyway...
TRAP TRAP TRAP
Why didn't I see it coming?
She cuts it in half, and asks me if I want the "smaller" half...
It was perfectly cut down the middle, so I told her to pick whatever one she wanted.
"Do you want me to measure it, so you get the smaller one?"
HR looking at me like I am nuts...
I told her no.. and almost felt like shoving the entire ice cream sandwich (BOTH FUCKING HALVES) in her face.
But, I didn't.
I picked the piece closer to me, and then ate it.
Karissa started in...
I swear, I was really kind of embarassed.
I was REALLY angry.
I didn't let it show.
We went back to work...
And I have stewed on it ever since...
It came to a boil this morning.
There are donuts in the break room.
(It needs to be said that there is always SOMETHING in the break room.)
Gia is eating one, I ask if there are a lot of donuts in there...
"Yeah, you want one?"
I tell her no, and she kind of laughs.. but doesn't add to why she thinks what I said is funny.
What I have came to understand, and firmly grasp today... and since that scenario...
Now, Karissa is an good acquaintance.. and on certain days we are friends...
But, I know it really bugs her that I have lost so much weight...
and she won't commit to anything enough to even lose a little.
This isn't an assumption.
I know this.
I know this.
Gia, is one who is easily led. I can tell she is a sweet person.. But, also, she has body image issues (she's admitted them freely) and she can't get on track either (also admitted freely).
People who won't take control of their own lives.. their own health...
Tend to get upset with those of us who do.. and succeed... and who aren't easily led astray.
But, where is my fault in this.
It does take two to tango.
Perhaps I could be more discreet about logging my calories into my app.
Perhaps, I couldn't be such a pita, when they want to take the elevator, and I want to take the stairs. Taking an elevator ride isn't the worst... I can always do double the stairs when they aren't around.
Perhaps those are some answers...
I should only really discuss my journey to people who understand and support me.
They will never see my healthy lifestyle as a negative... and will never make jokes about it.
Haters are gonna Hate...
And I am 2 lbs away from my goal.
How about THEM apples?