People Just as Crazy as Me

Monday, September 16, 2013

He's my responsibility

This weekend, at NYRF was romance weekend...
And, oh boy, were there people just in LOVE everywhere...

Klay was being very sweet with me... not that he isn't normally, but, he was being OVERLY sweet. 

I half thought, that maybe, well.. would he drop a question on me, on the only day at faire that I thought he WOULDN'T?

No. He didn't... Just a fluke.. romantic moment...probably from all the gushy people around us.

No biggie.. It will come... whenever it comes.

As a family (Dad, Klay and I) we were invited to the cast party for our volunteer contributions.
Dad had a date, and I had Emry.. So Klay went to represent our family.

I did some great crafting. I may take pictures of it, and show you all tomorrow...
We'll see....

Sunday, 
Well.. I didn't really want to go to faire. I was tired. I was cold... I was disappointed... 
yeah I said it's okay and that Klay can propose to me whenever... but, it's becoming very evident that this faire season is not going to be that time... and I honestly thought it would be... and I'm disappointed.

Second day of romance weekend, we go, we're having fun... Someone mentions to me that "my husband and I could renew our vows.".... I had to tell them, that he isn't my husbands.. so there's nothing to re-new... That kind of cut a little bit more.
We kept getting caught up in great conversations, which is fun, but for Emry.. not so much... He gets bored, he's 6... and well, you got to keep him moving, or at least supplement every hour of adult time, with a ride or a snack.. or a run to the volunteer area for a free snack! Klay wanted to stop and watch this harp player. Which I am completely down for, but Emry wasn't.. I could see it in his eyes Mama, please don't stop again, I am SO freaking BORED. So, I told Klay that he should do this for him, and I'd take Emry to get a snack or something.

"What have you done for you?"

I love him, he's a dear sweet man... I cherish our relationship.

I looked at him and said, "This is going to come out wrong, but understand it is under the best intentions. You are a great help to me, and I love our family... but, at the end of the day, Emry is my responsibility. You watch this, do this for you.. I'm fine. Really. Have fun."

"But, what have you done for you?"

"I had my baby. That's what I did for me, and now that's why I'm going to take him for a snack or something."

And I walked away. 


Emry got Peach Sorbet in a Peach.
We watched a lively band, with loud music.
We walked around and did nonsense.

By ourselves... for 2 hours.

Sooner or later Klay found us. 
It wasn't a big deal.

It just ... 
Well ....

I think buying the house kind of shaded my perception...
We bought something together, something that married couples do.
We split funds... we save together... we raise Emry together.
In essence, we are kind of married... Just without all the Sparkle and Title.

That should be enough?
Right?

And it is enough..
But is it sad that I want the Title.. that I want the sparkle...

Is it wrong that I am starting to think that he doesn't.
That it's never going to happen? 
That it's just not what he wants for us.

That this ENOUGH.. is the permanent enough.

It makes me sad...

It makes me want to withdraw...
But, I love him, and he loves me... and we're really happy... 

I'm just.. being selfish, and wanting something that isn't in the cards at the moment.

I should be over the moon about what I do have... and not even put my head in this dark place.

I think that my expectations were high.
And that I really should have kept my head on the straight and narrow.

Just keep making positive steps, in a positive direction... Good things will follow... In their own time and their own way.

Right?

2 comments:

  1. Yes. My favorite part about "timing" is that it never happens when we want it. But it happens when it's right :) thinking of you today.

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  2. There is nothing wrong with wanting that sparkle! You deserve the sparkle! And maybe he is putting you off as a distraction (wink) or maybe he is just waiting for the right time. There is nothing wrong with wanting that special moment to solidify your relationship as a married couple. It's special. And there is something profound about adding the title. So no, you aren't crazy. Your needs and expectations are rational and very real.

    I say maybe have a conversation on the subject with him. Yes, this might reduce the amount of "SURPRISE!" when he does indeed pop the question, but you will know where you both stand. But this is just the way we did things (me and my husband). We had the "talk". Should we get married? Can we afford it? Are we in this forever? And the answer was yes to all for the both of us. Which resulted in us just deciding that we were going to get married.

    Which means, I didn't get that special, exciting, surprising proposal every girl dreams of. But I did get the end result I wanted. A marriage to my best friend. So I think it was worth it.

    Plus if I would have waited for him to pop the question, he said it would have taken him another year after he bought the ring to even get up the courage to propose. He was so nervous to even ask me if marriage was something I wanted.

    But you guys still love each other and have a beautiful relationship and to some, a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper. I would just find out what a marriage would mean to him. My marriage gave me a sense of ownership in our relationship. I felt relieved afterwards.

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