The below meme is something that I have read, and keep reading. Even though I am at my goal, and have currently been maintaining it for 3 months, I still have a problem when it comes to... indulging.
As previously discussed, we know that, for me, it's either... I eat very healthy.. or I binge eat. I have been doing much better recently. Not completely checking out... But, I still find that when I do indulge, that I have a problem stopping.
As the meme says "the cookie won't ruin your month, don't let it ruin your day"... But, what happens when you know that one cookie leads to another one, then the mini sized candy bar, then something salty to counteract all that sweet... etc. etc. etc.
Then technically it can ruin your day (and your stomach)... But, it really is true, it's never really ruined my month..... Hmmm.....
Anyway, today, was PIZZA TUESDAY. Most of the people in my department chipped in $5 and we each got 2 slices of pizza. We pooled our money together last week, and well, today was the day.
However, when I woke up this morning, I didn't feel like pizza. Weird right? 2 slices of Pepperoni.. and I just don't want them. So, I packed my lunch anyway... Some yummy Clams and Macaroni, Celery w/ Ginger Dipping Sauce, and an Apple.
When people saw me heating up my lunch, I heard, "And you're eating pizza too?" Judgmental people... they're just wonderful... aren't they? *sarcasm*
No, I'm not going to eat pizza too. I took my two slices, and I placed them in a ziplock bag, and wrote my name on it. I will either bring it home, or leave it for another lunch.
Recently, usually on Wednesday (not sure why), I find that I get REALLY hungry. Even more hungry than I am on the weekends... even though, that hunger is more boredom or stress than anything else.. But I digress.... I figure since I am usually FAMISHED on Wednesdays, that I will save one of those slices for then. Maybe it will prevent me from hitting the mini candy bars, or vending machine downstairs. Who knows... It's worth a shot.
Even after 3 months of maintaining the weight... Going up, and then Going right back down... I'm still afraid to eat Crap... Still afraid of the Binge Eating, that I know I do. . . . and I know that it's super hard (sometimes impossible) for me to control.
When am I not going to be afraid of food?
I mean, I love food... so to be also afraid of it... Well, it's kind of like an abusive relationship? You know?
I am trying very hard to give myself some credit... I am trying very hard to remember that my exercise regimen is here to stay.. and that I can eat a little crud here and there.. because I work out so hard (almost) every day.
But, maybe I am having a hard time convincing myself, because... maybe deep down I am not certain if that is the truth... Perhaps subconsciously I fear that I will stray from the healthy lifestyle... and go back to being less active... and... Overweight...
Truth of the matter is.. It is MUCH easier being overweight, than being in shape:
- When I was overweight, I didn't care what meals I made for the week, I made whatever, with whatever ingredients. I didn't plan. I didn't research healthy swaps.
- When I was overweight, I took big portions that made me feel warm and stuffed inside. I didn't measure it out, or try to guesstimate what a serving should be.
- When I was overweight, I ordered anything I wanted off a menu.. and ate all of it... then dessert... without even thinking... Oh man, do I have to run this off tomorrow.
- When I was overweight, I was able to put Emry to bed, and then vegg on the couch without having to do a million things. a) pack my lunch b) prepare a healthy dinner, c) pack my vitamins, d) do some sort of exercise, e) shower to get un-gross after exercise, f) research healthy meals for the next weeks... etc etc.
- When I was overweight, we would get crazy take out and eat all of it while watching a movie.
- When I was overweight, I could sleep in for an extra hour, and then I could go to work.
It was just different, and easier... It was easier when I wasn't being self accountable for my lifestyle.
It was easier when I was turning a blind eye to what I was doing to myself.. and how I was allowing my body to get away from me... I keep finding pictures of me from last year, the year before... I found one from 2009... and well.. let's just say... I was huge. I had rolls everywhere... and I just didn't SEE it. I ignored it...
However, sometimes taking the easy way is preferred... Sometimes you just need a break.. and you get off track...
Can I return to being blind? And just forget all the work I've done? Can I just forget all the lessons I've learned and how my mindset has changed?
I don't think so.. but it's still a fear.
So, because I need to hear this:
DON'T BE AFRAID TO EAT CRAP EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
Don't let that piece(s) of pizza scare you... It's yummy... Just don't eat it everyday.
That ice cream is sweet and creamy... It goes great with Chocolate covered pretzels.
Indiana Popcorn Company makes delicious Kettle Corn Creations... Don't hide from the free samples in the store!
One day... Will not Kill you.
One day.. will not undo everything you have achieved.
Just be active and accountable.
And it should all work out...
Who's with me?
Any advice for me?