People Just as Crazy as Me

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

My Aunt

My Aunt Rose passed away yesterday morning.

She left this world peacefully and did not suffer.

She was awesome.
The coolest lady.

Barely 5 feet in height, and probably 90 lbs... she was a rare bird.

She went blind a few years back, but still dyed her hair (strawberry blonde/red) by herself. . . . without spilling a drop.

When I got my first tattoo, she commented that she was cool like my sister and I. Because she had gotten her eyebrows tattooed. She no longer cared to tweeze them or have them shaped.

She would always leave a message on an answering machine/voicemail like she was actually talking to you.
"Hi honey, are you there?" *she would wait for you to pick up*
"I guess you aren't there, just wanted to know how you were doing honnnney." **paused, still waiting for an answer and for someone to pick up**
"Well, I love you... Call me back... okay?" **still would pause for an answer**
"Bye, honnney."

She was sweet, genuine, and classy.

And I will never forget her.

What troubles me, is that I should have seen her more in the past year. Should have attempted to call more.
Life just kept getting in the way. It's completely my fault, and I know I should have tried harder.

All I can do now is keep her in my thoughts.


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Never go to bed unhappy

We have been dealing with a tool of a real estate lawyer.
He is friends with Klay's parentals.

He doesn't respond to emails.
He doesn't like being asked questions.
He won't set up an appointment to discuss the contract or the changes he made to it.
He won't listen to our concerns.

He's a fucking dickwad.
Okay.
That's the truth.

After we buy this house.
I'll send out a really great post with his name... and more reasons NOT to use him.

Last night, Klay's mother asked how it was going. And, we don't want to tell her specific information... but, it got to the point where we should tell her how rude her "friend" was being.

At first, she didn't seem to get it.
But, I think in the end, Klay got it through to her.

I try to maintain a level head.
Two months. We should be in this house in TWO months.

The work this man does, is legit... the paperwork, everything. It looks like great work. But, he's not really helpful. It's as if he thinks we are challenging him. Ego maniac.

At the end of the night....
Well, let me back up before I tell you about the end of last night.

--------flashback

As of recently, Klay and I have been different.
Our dynamic is ... rough around the edges.
I've been stressed with work, buying this house, and in pain (EVERYWHERE).
He's had some stress at work, he's packing up his apartment, so he can live with us until we move.
His life is completely changing... and I think it weighs on him too.


There's also my awareness that we are never going to get married.
It just is never going to happen.
I've come to terms.
We love each other, we will never leave each other... and isn't marriage just a piece of paper, and a set of rings?

I think that before I came to terms, I might have let it depress me.....

Klay has also been short with me.
It seems everything I ask, comes with a snide answer.
He has to contradict what I say... than change the verbiage and re-say it..making the same point I made.

I have been good... I try to just bounce back... to ignore it.... to make a joke out of his tone.

But, last night....

----------flash forward

Last night, at the end of the night...
I made a silly comment, in a joking voice, that we will never take his mother's advice EVER again.

His response came quick, the tone agitated...

"What do you want me to say? Alright?"

I went to snap back, "I was joking. Calm down."
But, it came out as "I was joki......"
The air cut off... as the words did too.
I looked down, and shaked my head.
I felt tears form.
I didn't want to lose my temper.
Not over something stupid as this.....

"I'm going to bed."

Klay: "What? What did I do?"

"Nothing. I'm tired, I'm going to bed."

And I went up to bed.

I couldn't just lay in the darkness.
I turned on the TV on mute.
Flicked through channels.
Let the tears stream silently from my eyes.

Klay came up shortly behind me..
I tried not to cry harder.
When did this happen? When did we turn into the couple that fights? Or hates the others tone? When did that change?
We are buying a house together... and I am fearful that this is starting to fall apart.

I'm feeling .... so lost.....

He laid next to me.
"What did I do? What did I say?"

I just was so sad.
"It doesn't matter. It's me... don't worry about it."

"No, tell me."

And then, I started to really cry, yup.. that's what I did.
I don't even remember exactly what I said.. it turned to blubber.

And then when I was done.
I felt like I had done something wrong.
I hate crying like that.
I hate the fact that the situation caused me to cry like that.

I turned off the TV... rolled over and wanted to die.

"Don't do that. Please don't be upset."

"I'm not upset at you... I just really want to sleep."

And I pulled his arm over me... and we fell asleep.

...................................

This morning was awkward.
We never really fight... in any way, shape or form.

-----------------------

I'm afraid.
I don't want to lose everything.
I have this unending fear... I think I am destined never to have the "forever".
I think that I will always end up alone... that I get these amazing flashes of what life could be like... and then they will always dwindle... I will always be left alone....

I hate to feel this way.


But, it just won't go away.
I'm afraid that we shouldn't buy the house.
 I'm afraid that maybe we are moving too fast.


**SIGHS**

Monday, January 28, 2013

No answers.

I went to the Oral Surgeon on Friday afternoon.
Nope... not a tooth fragment or root fragment from my previous surgery.
That point aspect of my gums... that's just scar tissue.

My teeth look wonderful.
There is no abscess ... there is no cavity.

Recommendations:
Go to a TMJ specialist.

Buy an over-the-counter mouth guard until then.

There are no TMJ specialists in my area.
All are over an hour away.

This bites.

The OTC mouth guard did the trick though. I have been able to sleep the past few nights.

But as soon as I take it out. My jaw starts instantly hurting.

My real estate agent had an idea... she sees a Massage Therapist for her TMJ.

Now, I remember vaguely learning about TMJ therapy while in school.
But, I do remember that someone else has to do it on you. Because you can't reach the angles necessary for it to be effective.

I am calling all my Massage Therapy friends today.
Someone will help.

Right?

Anyway, had the house inspection on Saturday. Nothing too awful in the house, that can't be fixed.

Still having issues with my real estate attorney... Believe you me... when we are all said and done... I am going to write a very blunt post about this man, his name, and not to work with him.

Really rude dude. Just saying.

Other than that the weekend was decent.

Work has been busy this morning.
And the weather is disgusting outside.

We are experiencing Winter Storm Luna.
WHEN DID THEY START NAMING WINTER STORMS?
So weird.





Friday, January 25, 2013

Didn't sleep a wink.

My mouth has been hurting...
Like this deep throbby ache.
 
I have TMJ, so I thought perhaps I was just over tensing my jaw.
 
And then...
The other morning...
Upon brushing and flossing...
I notice...
Something kind of sharp stinking up through my gum...
Where my wisdom tooth should be.
 
Well... technically where it shouldn't be.
Because I had both on the bottom... REMOVED.
 
1 call to the Oral Surgeon's office who took them out.
Now I have to leave work early..
To go have a mere consult...
To discuss what we are going to do.
 
First,
he wants to prove if it is in FACT roots from my wisdom tooth.
 
Second,
He wants to prove that the pain isn't from ANOTHER tooth, or cavity...etc.
 
Third,
Then and only then are we going to be able to figure out how to make my mouth stop hurting.
 
This is stupid.
 
I took Motrin last night.
TWICE
 
I didn't sleep a wink.
The ache was that bad.
 
I am praying it isn't an abscess... or a cavity...
 
I am praying this will be an easy fix...
And not a costly one.
 
I feel like I am running on fumes here....
I could fall asleep.. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
 
But, I know the second I tried to... my mouth would throb, and I would cry....
 
 
 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The moment you realize...

The moment you realize that you are 100% wearing the big girl "adult" pants...

When people ten years your senior are asking you for life/money/relationship advice.

It kind of baffles me.

I don't know when it happened, and I don't know when people started to think it...
But, people think I got everything together... That I am pretty in control of my life...

HA! It's just such a funny thought.

It's not like my world is utter chaos. 
It's not like I am fighting to figure out where our next meal is coming from.
It's not like I have a huge ROTH IRA, or MEGA Savings account.

My world is calm, and mostly boring. But, I love it that way.
We have food in the fridge (healthy food, veggies and fruits and the like!)...
I have a tiny savings nest egg... and I've been doing some extra saving on the side.

(BTW: look up the 52 week money challenge.. it's an easy way to save about $1,400 in a year. I swear it's completely doable.)

I focus on the important things...
And I move forward. 

There are moments when extra bills come in, or emergencies happen.
I get stressed just as easily as everyone else.

But, I know that I will get through it.
I know I have karma on my side.

There's a girl I work with... she's pretty new.
She has just come off of being unemployed for a pretty long time.
And, is just starting to try to get back on her feet.

Her eldest is turning 17...
He wants this HUGE party.

Now, we all want to make our children happy.
We want them to feel secure in their worlds...
We do NOT want them to know how rough they actually have it...

However, the figure of $1,200.00 for a birthday party came up.

**Blink Blink**

EXCUSE ME?

She was saying how she didn't know how to do it... how to afford it...
"Maybe if I take my entire paycheck, and don't pay any bills..."

How is THAT an option?

So, out of curiosity I had her break down the cost of the party.
$600 of it.. towards a DJ.

Get some speakers, and your kids iPod.
DONE DEAL.

$300 for the venue
$300 for the catering (including kegs... why does there need to be kegs at a 17 year old birthday party is besides me... but, if your adult family members NEED to drink that bad... there's a problem... just saying.)

I could see ways of cutting these charges down.. 
I even offered some examples...

Blank stare.
That's all I got.

There's a fair amount of work that goes into doing a HUGE PARTY in an INEXPENSIVE WAY.
I think that's where the difficulty came in.

The actual work part of it.

So, I said okay... realized the type of person I was talking with... and moved on.

Later...
She starts asking me more questions... because, well, I seem to have it together... how do I get by? how do I keep savings? 

I opened the door.
So.. I just looked at her, and simply answered... 

"I don't have it together... I have a small world that my family and I exist in. We function within our means..."

"But, how?"

**Blink Blink**

I had no other answer.

It was that moment that I realized... I wear big girl adult pants.

And that.. that is a rare quality... even for some who are soon to be turning 40.

I count my blessings.
I am thankful for my resolve.
I am happy for my success...
And hungry to do great things...

Every day... 1 step closer.
 
 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Liar....

I think we all know, or know of one gal in our world who we dub as "the liar".

The one who gets pregnant... then loses the baby within a month.

The one who vents and cries about the drama in her world... only to end it with, "But don't tell that I told you."

The one that everything is a "SECRET" with... but, then, you hear from another person's big mouth the very SAME "secret".

It's sad... To know this type of person. 
It's sad because deep down, you see how truly awesome she could be...
If she stopped LYING ALL THE DARN TIME.

In my particular situation... 
This person really wants me to be a good friend.
I find it hard to get close to a person like that.... 
I'm not a fan of being lied to... 
I also feel that this type of person... will lie about me.
And I just can't have that.

I can tell that there is very little going on in her world... so she feels the need to create things... In order to feel like she has purpose.

I have a purpose... and not a whole damn lot going on in my world... I'm perfectly fine with being BORING.

However, I know who I am. Inside and Out.
I am comfortable with myself... even with all my flaws... and my AMAZING BEAUTY. 
**giggles** I didn't mean that... it was a joke... Come on... Laugh PEOPLE!

Getting back to "The Liar"...
I can't invent a reason to just ignore her.

This goes back to the person I tried to be for everyone... a long time ago...
THE ONE WHO FIXED EVERYONE.

I had this innate need to help/fix/take care of others... before myself. Always before myself.

I did this because I thought that I would gain true, long lasting friendships.

Well, I imagine if I tried to help people of quality... that's what I would have ended up with.

However, before I had my son...
I wasn't a "quality" person, and thus "quality" didn't gravitate to me...
SO I GOT USED.

I focused on family.
I focused on making real friendships, with people who didn't expect anything from me but just that: FRIENDSHIP.

Life changes occurred...
And here I am.

But this girl... heck, she's in her mid-twenties, and I still feel the need to call her a "girl".

I can't seem to flee the already sinking ship.

I just want to slap her in the head.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY YOU SILLY THING.
JUST BE YOURSELF.
EVEN IF YOU THINK BEING NORMAL AND UNEVENTFUL IS BORING;
YOU WILL STILL BE YOU, and PEOPLE WILL LIKE THAT.
IF THEY DON'T... NO BIG FUCKING DEAL.


**shakes head**

But, I won't do that.
Because, you can tell when someone likes being the "Liar".

Anyone know a similar type of person?

 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Not ready to READ about it

We went to Barnes and Noble yesterday.
I was almost out of reading material... and Emry is ALWAYS out of books.
We read all of them so often, new ones are necessary... ALL THE TIME.
(I donate the older ones, that are too "baby" to keep in rotation.)

I am really into Jim Butcher (The Dresden Files) and Terry Pratchett (Witches Abroad... there are many others.)

But, even though I haven't read a Butcher or a Pratchett in months... I wanted to find a new author... to bring into my rotation. To expand my reading horizon.

Enter Ellen Hopkins.

The book I bought: CRANK.

Yup, it's about drug use.

But, it looked so promising.

It's poetry... written from the voice of a teenage girl... about her descent into drug use.

Most of you know my .... horrible past.... Most of you know how I picked myself up, and never turned back.

It's been a long time since that was even a glimmer of a thought in my world.

Yet, when I read this book... I feel....... Dirty for reading about it.

I flip through the pages slowly, but hungrily ... wanting every word to sink in.

Made my heart feel heavy.
The words made me feel... so sad.

I can't search my soul for it....
I just want to forget that I was ever that person...

But, why, after knowing it was about... did I buy it?
A test?
To see if I've grown enough to be unaffected by it....
Perhaps.

as a reminder?
As to how bad things were?
how quickly everything can go up in smoke?


I'm not sure.
I just... well... I kind of wish I didn't buy it.

Does Barnes and Noble take returns..... even exchanges?
It's like I don't even want it in the house...
Like it's going to infect me in some way....

I know it won't.
I just can't even look at the book right now.
Feel like throwing holy water on it... and getting an Old Priest and a Young Priest to pray over it....

It kind of proves my point....
Even if you haven't RELAPSED... you are always an addict.
What keeps you in recovery... what keeps you clean... is keeping that life as far away from yourself as possible.
Words can be just as damaging.

Maybe in another 5 years... 10 years... I won't feel the same.
But right now...

Ellen Hopkins, with your truly deep words, and perfectly spun lines....
You have hit far too home with me....
You have touched that nerve... that I have been covering with protective body armour....

I'm going back to my Harry Dresden with the vampires, werewolves, and witty dark humor.

Because, honestly, I am not ready to even READ about this.

The List.. another one down! #'s 6, 8, 10, 15


Last Friday, I got a Mani-Pedi.
OH MAN... how nice that was.
The woman who worked on me, was this very funny Korean chick... who basically told me that I don't get a mani/pedi enough because I am lazy. And do not care about myself.
Talk about the HARD Sale.

Yeah lady, you know me... but, I brushed her off.
She was trying to be funny... I think.

#8 - happens almost 2x a month. I pre-make some major dish, and we eat in during the week. And I freeze a little as well!

#10, just kind of snuck up on me.
When I got back from Disney Vacation, and started work.. I was getting to work REALLY early. So, I have been going down to the gym 3x a week, using the elliptical. For about 15-20 minutes.
GO ME!

#15 - Klay took me to a fantasic luncheon, at this romantic place called Mohonk Mountain House, and they had live JAZZ! Super cool.

Alas I fear that pumpkin picking isn't going to happen. We just didn't get to it this past fall.

So there you go, as you can see below, I am making a real effort to get some work done... FOR ME!

  1. Go to an Awesome Halloween Event... like a Cheesy Haunted House.
  2. Go on a real Ghost Hunt.
  3. Hike up that mountain that overlooks Lake Minnewaska... AKA: stop being such a baby about heights, and falling.
  4. Bake something edible, and not like cupcakes... like a cake, or a cobbler or something.
  5. Read at least one book a month.
  6. Get a mani/pedi.
  7. Do Processed Food & Red meat Fast: One week of just Veggies and Fruits.
  8. Stick to my guns, and pre-make dinners for the freezer, instead of saying I'm going to do it and forget. (Atleast twice a month.... don't want to overpack the freezer)
  9. Buy a set of free weights, and exercise 2x a week at home.
  10. Actually take 3x a week to walk/jog for 20minute (or more) intervals.
  11. Date Night. It's been too long.
  12. Go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art OR ANY MUSEUM.
  13. Pumpkin Picking
  14. Play my guitar at least once a month.
  15. *WILD CARD 1* Meditate Regularly (by Autmumn Forest @ Ghost Hunting Theories\
  16. *WILD CARD 2* Spa Day (by My buddy @ Girl's Got Shine!)
  17. *WILD CARD 3* Buy something sexy for myself (and Klay) (by Britney @ It's on Random!)
  18. *WILD CARD 4* Go skiing (a fear of mine) (suggested by my dad, he doesn't blog.. lol)
  19. *WILD CARD 5* Clean out my closet  (by My buddy @ Girl's Got Shine!)
  20. *WILD CARD 6* Test Drive a HOT car (by Britney @ It's on Random!)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Disney - Day 4

Day 4 - Hollywood Studios & the first picture after we got home (Day 5)

His best STAR WARS stance...


I think the STAR TOURS name was pretty LAME

HUGE

C3PO

Klay and my Dad

weird talking robot guy... reminded me of the character from Short Circuit

Brunch with the Characters

We love MANNY

SEE?

Making fun of Klay with Silly Faces

It's KERMIT Time

Happy!

Back Lot Tour

Where are we?

Before the Car Stunt Show
We all live in the .....

Honey I shrunk the Kids - Play land


It's a big DOGGY nose

Best Movie Ride!

Perry!


He got a girl drink.
Tower of Terror... We told Emry we had to take the Elevator to the Ride

1:30p the next day... back home... and he was EXHAUSTED!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Disney - Day 3

Day 3 - Animal Kingdom & Around our Hotel!

I was really excited about this park

Coolest Tree Ever
Character Breakfast!

Happiest Face EVER!


My dad LOVES Goofy

Buildings were gorgeous

We were on SAFARI

Saw some hippos sleeping... lazy!!!!

They had the weirdest Micky Ears EVER!

Our Family

Of course we found a train ride

The Goats were OVERLY Docile

Rafiki!!!

They let Emry blow the whistle on the train!

That's a large snake he is touching

Turtle!

My dad was really into this park too

Can't you tell?

Gorillas are my favorite!

Beautiful Buildings

Gorilla's walking around an enclosure.

It was super warm, so Emry wanted to go SWIMMING

Type casting...

Look at the pose

What a HAM!

Don't try this... other hotel guests get snippy.

SARGE!

I told him to turn around and do that... but, he didn't get the joke.

Sitting in the back of Mater

All in all... Day 3 was awesome!