People Just as Crazy as Me

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Buying a House... Not for the weak of heart

It's no news...
That I am in the process of buying a new home.

The news here is..
I know why I was feeling so cruddy a couple weeks ago,


The stress.. the constant back and forth... get this... get that... Call this person.. Get a call from that one.
Get copied in this email reply... 
Find out this
Find out that.
Lower This.
Raise that.
Mortgage financing.

The dance continues...
It's like a really complicated polka..
Like one you would see on
"So you think you can dance?"

I began to calm down once the hectic realty events were subsiding..
But, last night, and today...
The lock jaw, and the heart tightening feeling have returned.

And that's the only thing that has increased.
The Home Buying Polka of DOOOOOM.

 I almost want to throw the towel in...
Just not do it...
The stress of it...
Is a little too much.

But, I know it will be over soon...
I just can't wait to be there...
Signing my life away...
Broke without a dime...
In this new house.

Just seems like there are so many obstacles in our way.
Makes me wonder if they are a sign not to move forward...

No second guessing.
Stay positive.
Stay grounded.
The tougher the obstacle... the more fruitful the result.

The darkness always wishes to pull you down... when you start to ascend higher into the light.

It will be okay.
I will be okay.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Ice, Rain, and 49 degrees

I woke up this morning to an inch of ice on my car...
The kind of ice that not even the defroster fixes.

Phone vibrates...
Emry has a 2 hour delay.
*slaps forehead*

Start watching the weather, as I get dressed and ready for work...
It's going to be 49 Degrees today...



Explain to me how, the weather is going to be in the 40's as soon as the sun rises...
My kids school is still on a 2 hour delay?


Yeah, I understand that the High School students would probably get on the bus before the temperature hit 40 degrees.
But, I remember there being 3 inches of snow on the ground, and waiting for the bus to come.
No Delay
No Closing...

And that was... 11 years ago.
(Stop snickering... it isn't....)

At this point, I feel like telling you that I had to walk 10 miles in the snow, up hill, both ways...But, I won't.

It just doesn't make sense to me.
They've missed out of so much school this year... half of those reasons were for really cruddy reasons.

But, as I check my phone, for the weather update by me... 
I see that it's still snowing/icing/raining up there...
That it hasn't even gone above 36 degrees yet...
Well, I guess I am sort of glad that the delayed.

I hate to see what would happen if we had a BAD winter...

Just saying.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Coloring... For adults.

I have always loved to color.... since I was a little girl.

However, walking into a local A.C. Moore or Toys R Us, and picking up a Disney Princess coloring book... and a big pack of markers... sometimes can make you look like a weirdo.
Yeah, sure, these aren't for me...


But then I found these...

They are the adult coloring book.

No, this isn't a senseless product plug...
I wasn't paid to do this post.
I wasn't given a free coloring book (even though that would be pretty cool.)

I was actually coloring one of these this morning.
The take some time...
You really have to allow yourself to immerse yourself.

They are fun.
They are relaxing.

I've never been a great crocheter..
I've never gotten the knack of quilting...

But, coloring?
I could do that ALL the time. 

Now, these aren't just black and white pages.
They are almost on a wax paper.
So when you color them...
you can kind of see through them!
They look beautiful on the windows!

I know.
You're giggling and squealing...
It's epically cool.

I'm considering putting a couple of my finished ones on my windows at work... 
However, I am not so sure how that will go over with my boss...
Only one way to find out!

So, if you're bored...
If you're down...
Find your inner child, grab a thing of markers...
And get to coloring.


Monday, February 25, 2013

PSYCHE! The Wonderful Websense Flub!

It seems that the internet Gods have shined upon me.. because, I have willed the websense to let me view all my favorite blogs.

Dodged that bullet.

The weekend wasn't as good as it could have been.

Emry was a passenger on the Body Snatcher Train..
IE: He was a royal Pain in the Ass.

Friday night, I was so tired... My body drained of all energy... He was great... He was quiet... He kept to himself... I was really proud of him.

Saturday... Most of the day he was okay, and then BAM! Like being hit by a freight train, he was moody and bratty.... Maybe tired? Maybe boredom? Lord knows what... but, whatever happened... happened in the blink of an eye.

I have been craving Chinese Food for 3 weeks... and since I gave up Junk Food for Lent... I was very hesitant to get it this weekend. Then, I managed to rationalize... 

It's only junk food if you eat anything FRIED.

So, I got steamed dumplings (and shared most of them), General Tso's Chicken/Broccoli (I asked for less chicken and more broccoli; which bothered them... unsure why, since chicken must cost more than broccoli to buy).

Emry cannot eat anything with Soy... and you may be asking, then why order Chinese... Chinese is LOADED with Soy... 

Yes, you are correct... but Sashimi has none. 
My kid loves sashimi.. and can eat a whole PLATE of it.
His record is 16 pieces of sashimi... 

The problem came when I asked him to eat some white rice.
He's not big on rice... He doesn't like it.... at all...

But, I told him, that he needed more sustenance than just raw fish... 
"Mama, WHY?!?!"

So, I literally gave him a large spoonful of white rice... practically 1/4 a cup... NOT A LOT OF RICE.

Told him he could mix duck sauce with it... Just get it down.

He began to pick at the rice... a grain of rice here... a grain of rice there.

"Emry, you haven't eaten ANY of this rice.. come on now...."

"Yes, I did" *points to tiny hole in portion* "Right, there." 

Now, I should back track... Emry, who has been on very good behavior recently... still has been correcting me... a million times a day. Nothing I say is right.. everything I say is followed by a contradictory claim...
It really irks me... He tells me NO all the time... 

At this point, I was just done with him being such a pain about a little rice, that I stopped his fork on his plate and told him that he needed to stop correcting me. 

"But, mama, you're wrong."


 He pulled the fork, trying to get it out of my pressure. I held it down, and asked him to go sit on the step and think about the way he speaks to me. For a 5 year old, he really knows how to cop this very condescending tone... I don't know where he has learned it from...

He told me NO... flat out..."NO, I'm going to eat now." 

And, I really thought that the fork was going to fly into the air, with the tug of war going on at the table.
It didn't.
Thank god.
He went and he sat on the step... came back 5 minutes later... and was fine...

Welcome to SUNDAY.

Sunday, I'm unsure how it happened, but He woke up upset.
 Not sure about what... Not sure about where it came from... Wait... Maybe I do...
It didn't snow.. at all. We were supposed to get a couple inches between Friday and Sunday... 
If we got a couple of inches.. I told him we were going to go Sleigh riding.. at the park...
He really wants to take his sleigh down a hill... 
But, it didn't happen... so, there isn't enough snow to get going...
Is that where it started?
I think it was...

Well, after we said the, we couldn't go sleigh riding thing...
He threw a fit about cleaning up his lego creations, that live on his bookshelf...
The reason I made him clean them up, was that while making his bed... (it's a loft style top bunk bed)... I stepped on not one... but 6 tiny tiny legos... Which means, he isn't being careful with them... 

Rule was, he could keep his creations out, on the bookshelf.. IF and ONLY IF... the other ones were cleaned up.. 

So, he was pretty upset about that...
But, cleaned them up... 

He wanted to watch the video I took of his new Karate form.
But, when we went to watch it.. he was too busy telling me why he couldn't do this and can't do that...
I restarted the video and he yelled at me...

Yes, I said it.. HE YELLED AT ME

I told him not to yell at me, and that he wasn't paying attention.


Once again, he contradicted me.. and was now yelling at me loudly.

I told him to go to his room...
He threw himself backwards (we were sitting on the floor.. so it's not like he collapsed from a chair or a standing position).... and screamed "I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE"... I don't play that game. I told him no, and to go to his room.. then it happened....

He.. squirming on the floor... not tantruming.. but not getting up... Kicked me.... in the side. 

Anger filled me.
Yup... I got really really angry..
I yelled. I picked him off the floor and demanded him to his room... for the rest of the day... 
Teeth gritted, fists clenched... 
It was bad...

He went... With some tears... with some more yelling... but he went...

And, I sat back on the floor... Indian style.. and put my hands over my head... and tried to breathe.
I couldn't get calm that way... so I went to MY room... and I turned on the tv.. and I may have taken a small nap.....

I woke up calmer... more refreshed... I sent Emry down for lunch... I took a shower.... 
I told Emry to clean up his toys... and we'd talk about what the rest of the day held for him... 

From Noon until 3p he was in his room... Sitting... not doing anything....
I figured that was enough...
I called him to me, asked him why he was punished... in which he gave me the answer. 
I asked him if he knew it was wrong... and he did... He apologized... I apologized for losing my temper... 
We had dinner.. and relaxed (mostly without issue) for the rest of the day.

However, my dream of playing with Play-Doh with him for the afternoon was shot... 
I was too tired to attempt that...
Which bummed me out...
Couldn't go out to a movie... because all the Family Movie show times were over...
It really was a wasted day...

This morning.
He woke up fine.
He was happy.
He was pleasant...
and I was happy....

We all have our moments... Emry is just trying to find his boundaries and his own self...
He doesn't have many friends that call or do play dates... It just hasn't happened for him...
He doesn't have a sibling... So, he only interacts with adults... 
He must be bored... and lonely on the weekends...
I wish I knew how to make that better, but, I can't make friends call... 
I can't do anything but text the other mothers and hope for a response....

It's hard...
To find the balance...

It's even harder to discipline... 
When you know kind of where it's coming from.
It doesn't change the behavior though.

I am trying to be the best parent possible.
I am trying to teach him rules, and structure now... so that, when he is grown, he makes the best decisions... 
I am hopeful it will eventually stick.
He doesn't have to be perfect.
He doesn't have to be good all the time...
He just has to try to be his best...

And, honestly.. I have to try to be my best... 

To find the light in the dark..
To try hard to make everyday better than the last...
Remember that I have to give...
and take....
When appropriate...

Happy Monday Friends.

Being Websensed by THE MAN

Most of you know, that a majority of my blog posts are done, while I have down time at my job.

And, that most of the comments that I leave on your posts, are also, while I have down time at work...

Yes, I know that you must think I do nothing, because I am on and off your pages a lot during the day...

It hasn't been a problem...
(Ominous Music Plays)

Luckily, I can still get on blogger.
But, the websense at work is not allowing me to read 90% of my favorite blogs.

I still have my phone, so I may have to start viewing the blogs from there...
But, I have writing comments from my phone... The "keyboard" seems to hate me.

Hopefully, something is going nutty downstairs in the I.T. department, and I will be able to view these things later on today...if not, tomorrow... eventually?!?!?!

I don't know why I get websensed for reading a blog.. and some people have access to FACEBOOK on their computers...

I think reading facebook sucks more of your focus than reading a blog.
Am I right people?

But, that is not for me to say... 
However, it won't prevent me from whining about it incessantly.


This will not be the only thing I post today, I just felt the need to bitch about this first...

Just Saying!

Friday, February 22, 2013

Love, Peace, Hope

I think today I want to focus on very important things.
Aspects of our lives that should be present everyday.

LOVE.. each moment, because you never know if it is your last.
LOVE... your children, even if you want to sell them on eBay sometimes...
LOVE... others who are unable to love anyone else...
LOVE... yourself, even if your mirror is always "wrong".

HOPE... for a better tomorrow.
HOPE... each step is one in the right direction.
have HOPE... even if your surrounding by doubt.

 Be at PEACE... even through the chaos.
Carry PEACE within you... it may rub off on others.
Have PEACE within your mind... within your soul... stress is less likely to seep in.

 Light will always float above the darkness.
As you can see, a million tiny lanterns... can cast a wonderful amount of light.
Be the singular lantern... that helps to create the light in others.

Have a Beautiful, Peaceful and Lovely Weekend.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

4 pounds in 4 days

Before I had Emry, I was a size 4... I was about 120 lbs....
If you look at me from the bust up to my head... You can see that I once had a very small frame.
From the bust down to my freaking toes... well, that became a different story after I had Emry.

As we all know I slimmed down to a healthy BMI last year; which was pretty cool... WE ALSO KNOW: that recently I haven't been really walking the healthy path... Not that I've gained a lot back... I just haven't been keeping up with the healthy portion sizes, and limiting the junk food.

So, beginning of this week. . . . I decided (late in the game) that I was giving up Junk Food for Lent.
That was Monday.

I weighed myself on Monday... wrote it down... and started on the Junk Food Free Journey....
Today, I weighed myself in the morning... just because I was curious.... 4 lbs less.

Now, I want to note, I weighed myself around the same time I did on Monday....
And, I was wearing approximately the same type of PJ's... so the clothes weight was the same.

4 pounds in 4 days

I thought that was really cool.
It also helps to solidify the mindset, that Junk Food has only been hurting me.

Then why does it taste SO good?

I think the four pounds mostly came off because I have been taking the stairs at work.... I mean ALL THE TIME.

But, that's another reason not to take the elevator.

The positive outcomes for observing Lent...

Just another example of how positivity... and inner light can drive you to great things...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Letting my light shine

We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own.  
~Ben Sweetland

 I think that a lot of people focus on the negative because it is easier. It is easier to cry over your woes, rather than finding a way to fix them. This is not to say that crying isn't natural and sometimes utterly necessary. It is. 
But, people who wallow in the negative, get drawn deeper and deeper into the darkness. Sometimes to the point where the dismal darkness appears to be the light.
Does that make sense?
 I find that even on my worst days... even on the days that I feel my own darkness creeping in, that I am a source of light for others. I can always see that there is a positive outcome, I can always foresee a positive path. Holding onto the negative limits growth... it prevents one from moving on... 
There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.  
~Edith Wharton

It's kind of why I smile at strangers, or say excuse me.. or just be pleasant to people I hardly know. Example, in the grocery store... as you pass by someone... smile at them... Say 'good afternoon'... In a very small way, you are allowing your inner light to do two things:

1) Possibly give someone a little happiness... letting their light shine a little brighter. 
2) Brightening your own light, by allowing it to shine out.
When you possess light within, you see it externally.  
~Anaïs Nin
 It doesn't take a genius to figure out that when you feel happy.. it shows on you.
Being happy, and possessing inner light kind of go hand in hand... at least in my opinion. 
If you allow your spirit to feel it... it will glow.. it will shine through you. I think you can see this on older people the best. A person that allows their light to shine... tries harder not to let the dark corrupt... They look younger, they look refreshed.. they look full of life. But, I know we have all seen the old, crotchety woman in the super market.. with the dry wrinkled skin.. the frown lines present all over... her skin a sallow and darkened.. sometimes even grayed... 
I, honestly, believe that is what happens when you allow the dark to corrupt.

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.  
~Norman B. Rice

This is a tricky one.. for me at least. I am a "helper" at heart... I feel that there is good in every person... As that may be true... Some people are just so consumed by the negative and by the darkness in their life... They will try to pull you down to them... so that, even for a short period of time... your light illuminates their darkness. 
Being able to know your strengths, and your weaknesses.. being able to know you are capable of staying above the waves... this allows you to bring others out of their darkness. However, the only way I feel this works.. is if the person truly wants to be helped.. truly wants to be different. Someone who wants to be positive, and wants to push forward.
Even if you love someone, never allow them to keep you in their darkness...
Sadness, weakness, darkness, whatever you want to call it... is a contagion.
It seeps in, sometimes without you even noticing it... 
Love can make you deny that it's happening.
If someone love's you... truly loves you... They will let you shine... 
They will try to shine with you...
"It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on.
-- Sharon Salzberg

No matter how long the darkness is around you... no matter how long you've allowed it to consume you.. There is always the chance to rise above... always the chance to start anew.
 There's always to chance to let yourself shine.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

4 Day Weekends are NOT allowed

"4 Day Weekends are Not Allowed"
~a poem~

To a working mother
a four day siesta
seemed like an utter dream

To get back on track
fun to be had
Some time to feel like me

It started on Friday
cleaning everything
So the rest of the time would be well spent

The kid acting bratty
Me feeling snappy
Just trying to get to the fun

Saturday started bright and early
"Mama, I tried to drink water
but my throat is on fire"

101.4 fever
Advil and Lozenges administered
Praying for a 24 hour bug

Not going anywhere
Might as well clean Emry's sheets
And the germ infested Pillow Friends

1 hour into the cycle
 Clink Clink Clink

Washer filled with water
Spin cycle not working
 Pillow pets drowning

Unplug the device.
Get a huge bucket
Grab all the towels

Floor soaked
All the towels too.
Pillow friends saturated

Cycle was mostly done
What would be the harm
Trying to dry Emry sheets and his friends?

Dryer stopped.
My heart sank
Pillow Friends are ruined


Once soft and plush
now crusty and crunchy
Material matted and tattered.

Pink Pig,
You've lived a good life
3 years by Emry's Side

your best friend Ducky dodged this bullet
I should have known better

Sheets ruined too
No big deal
Got them at Wal*mart

Explain to Emry
That his friends were yuck
I'd buy him new ones

"It's okay Mama"
My heart slightly filled
He's a good boy, just strong willed

Repair man doesn't answer.
My father upside down 
in the washer

Have to wait
What a wondrous day
Fingers crossed for tomorrow

Sunday still
the sickness lingered
4am 103.4 fever

Urgent care bound
Strep throat diagnosed
My poor little lamb

Antibiotics purchased
Liquids being consumed
Might as well watch movies..

And his fever..
just grew
104 fever.. time for a cool bath

He screamed
and he fought
Thank God he doesn't know how to curse

"It's too cold"
"No honey, you're too hot"
"I don't like you"

I didn't like myself at that moment either.

Fever broke
Cucumber skin
He rested on my shoulder

Nightmares had
Fever stayed down
My exhaustion sets in

Monday morning
Weekends came and went
Repair man says tomorrow

My heart just sank

Bottom plate of the dishwasher
Just falls off
If one more thing breaks

I just might throw up.
Did we just blow a fuse?

Can't run the dishwasher
the toaster
and the microwave at the same time

We have lived 
3 years  in this house
who knew?

Yummy dinner
Movie watching
First calm moments all weekend

I've learned my lesson
the Gods have spoken
I know I can never

Take a 4 day Weekend.
They are not allowed.
So this Working Mother's aggravation

a  wonderful
poetic declaration


What I am giving up for Lent... better late then never

For Lent...
I am giving up...


I know..
This seems like a cop out...
since I am usually toeing the line between dieting, and not...

But, for Lent...
I am going to give it up...
I don't need that type of nourishment anyway.

It's an endless battle for me.
I'm no longer trying to just lose weight..
I'm trying to be HEALTHY.

It's kind of hard to be healthy in a house of men who do not have this same goal.
We barely keep junk in the house...

I think my major problem is CARBS... which aren't inherently "not healthy"...
But, I swear I could eat a loaf of four cheese sliced Italian bread in... well... in about 2 days.
Because I recently did that.

As of the past month or so...
Do to the stress of family, house buying, and work..
The actual "Junk" I've been eating is at a all time high.

I mean:
(yeah, I said it, and I'm not proud of it either)

I'm frankly... ashamed.
Since LENT is in the BUILDING...
I know where my focus should be.

And I am going to maintain it.

Cut out the Junk Food, and cleanse my body in the process.


Thursday, February 14, 2013

Cute Kissing

The Cutest Kissing Animals on the block

I'll be your Valentine

If you will be MINE!

Happy Valentines Day!

Today's Post Will Contain A Child's view on LOVE!

What is it like to fall in love?

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”
—Glenn, age 7
What do you think about love?

“I’m in favour of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘Dinosaurs’ is on television.” —Jill, age 6
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” —Dave, age 8

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding coping with primary 7 hard enough.” —Regina, age 10

Why do sweethearts hold hands?

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”
—Gavin, age 8

How can you make someone fall in love with you?

“Tell them that you own a whole load of sweet shops.”
Del, age 6

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green trainers. You might get attention, but attention isn’t the same thing as love.”
—Alonzo, age 9


"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents!" -Eric, 6 


"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kally, 9 

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." 
-Carolyn, 8 


"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." 
-Carolyn, 8 

 "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" 
-Bert, 5 


"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." 
-Lottie, 9 

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." 
 -Jeremy, 8 


"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." 
-Martin, 10 

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." 
-Craig, 9 


"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, 10 

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." 
-Kally, 9 


"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan!" 
-Kirsten, 10 

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" 
 -Anita, 9 

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." 
-Will, 7 


"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." 
-Andrew, age 6 

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." 
-Mae, age 9 

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." 
-Manuel, age 8 


"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -John, age 9 

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." 
 -Glenn, age 7 


"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." 
-Anita C., age 8 

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." 
-Brian, age 7 

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." 
-Christine, age 9 


"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -Arnold, age 10 

"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark." 
-Sherm, age 8 


"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." 
-Gavin, age 8 

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." 
 -John, age 9 


"Sensitivity don't hurt." 
-Robbie, age 8 

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." 
-Ava, age 8 


"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." 
-Del, age 6 

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." 
 -Manuel, age 8 

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." 
-Alonzo, age 9 

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
-Bart, age 9  


"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." 
-Bobby, age 9 

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." 
-Bart, age 9 

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean 
they used to go out or they just broke up." 
-Sarah, age 9 


"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
-Gina, age 8

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A light.. Eureka I think I got it!

I was told yesterday something very interesting:

"If all you feel is the darkness, then close your eyes and imagine light.... Imagine it filling you, and spilling out of you... and then, when you open your eyes... you won't feel the darkness anymore."

I am a true believer in energy... and its power to heal.

I tried it.
I like it.

I am responsible for the things I allow to affect me.

Moving on

Emry has his very first test for Goshin Ryu tonight.
I think he is very excited.
I am hoping that he continues to blossom in this.
Martial Arts can teach so much.

I see changes in his behavior already.
Which makes me happy.
He has these moments, in which he tries to toe the line of being awful...
But, he's a kid and that stuff is normal...

Day to Day I am still dealing with the home purchase...
But, now we're just in the waiting process until closing.
Which is very positive.

Valentines day is tomorrow...
Which, I really could care less about either way.
Klay and I don't really celebrate it.
I choose not to celebrate it because in the past... It's been kind of a blah "holiday"...

However, Emry is super excited for Valentines Day this year.
He had to decorate his own Valentines Day mailbox...
And pick out his own Valentines for his classmates... and his teachers.
He has a "new best friend" (every week, I swear a new one...) BRANDON...
He told me the other day that he was "in love" with Brandon...
In class... They had a "Love is..." project.
His answer (and his friend Brandon's answer)...


I thought it was just about the cutest thing ever.

Brandon and he both love Ethel though.
(Yeah, I know, a little girl named Ethel... how freaking CUTE is that?)
Emry told me that they are both going to marry Ethel.
Still... Adorable.

A child's innocence is awesome.
I often pray that I could have just a little bit of my childhood innocence back...
Or that we as adults could look at each other through "children's" eyes... I think there would be far less war, arguments, and stupidity....

Just my opinion.

So, this year, Valentines day is a little special... because I am very excited to see Emry when he gets home from school.

I am still kind of stuck on the "child's innocence" idea... and the cute/weird/awesome things that a child says because of that innocence.....

I wonder if I could do a regular post about Emry's thoughts on certain topics.
Like... "Let's Ask Emry!" posts.

Could be cute....
Could be weird...

I just might do it.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Until next time.... 
Let your light shine bright my friends

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

When you realize it's a problem...

Dwelling on what you have no control of... is a problem.
Allowing unforeseen stresses to bring you down... is a problem.

Letting your psycho-depressed-mood flow out everywhere... is a problem.

I always lose sight of the fact that sometimes just taking it "one day at a time"... is sometimes just too hard.


"one hour at a time"
"one minute at a time"
or even
"one step at a time"

Is the the only thing that can be handled.

It's just life.

It will always be complex (in some way, shape or form)...
It will always be hard (because nothing in life is every, really, easy)...

But, regardless...
The sun will always rise... and then it will always set.

You can always try harder than you did the day before... you can always try to be "better" the next day...
If you fall down, there is another chance to pick yourself back up.

I cannot let my mood... DEFINE me as a person.

I cannot allow it.
And I will not.

I am finally achieving the "all good things, come to those who wait."
I'm ready for my good things.
And any fear, sadness, stress, anger, or misery... IS not going to take away my good things.

All things in life are a test.
You want something bad enough, you will probably have to struggle to get it. But, once it is achieved... it will be all the more worth it.

I am living proof.
I will continue to be... 

Friday, February 8, 2013

Bullying - Let's start a movement.

This morning I read two articles on Yahoo:

The topic in both:


This struck a chord with me.
And, I am now doing my part...
And voicing my opinion about it.

I live in Upstate New York.. our schools have taken "the necessary measures and precautions" to prevent bullying. It still happens though.

My son was a victim to bullying on the second day of school.
On the school bus, two girls, who Emry was assigned to sit with... began to make fun of him.
Made fun of his long hair.
Made fun of his clothes
Made fun of his Book bag
His Jacket...

He didn't tell us...
I think he was embarrassed.

We found out, when Klay asked him why he was no longer sitting in his usual bus seat.
He told us about it then...
And that the bus driver took action and changed his seat.
That it was no longer occurring.

I tried not to get up in arms about it.
The problem was over.
I didn't want those girls blood.
Or to get them in any more trouble than they probably already got in...

But, I cautioned Emry...
Never stay silent about these things.
Even if you're scared SPEAK UP while it is happening.
If you feel like no one is listening to you...
Tell a Teacher.
Tell the Principal.

It is NOT okay for someone to make you feel uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form.

 Then I look at these two articles this morning and I think...

It isn't just CHILDREN being bullied.
ADULTS are being bullied as well.

Whether it be Cyberbullying or Face-to-Face Bullying...

Bullying has taken on such a VICIOUS tone.
Children and Adults alike... do not care if they are pushing someone to the edge emotionally or mentally.
They do not care if they beat someone into a coma, or even to death.

Self entitlement.
Lack of Parenting.
Lack of Morals
Lack of Good Conscience.

These are the reasons for Bullying.
And honestly as I look at the list, I think there could be several other terms added.

 Does anyone remember what happened at a Nationally Televised Hockey Game Last year?

A teenage girl, who weeks earlier had just awoke from a coma, went to a Hockey game with her parents.
This was her VERY FIRST WISH when she woke up.
The only tickets to be had, were the tickets on the opposing teams side of the rink.

The family went, and wore their teams jerseys.

The family was pelted with food.
They were heckled.

A fight broke out...
And the teenage girl was repeatedly hit in the skull.

She did not go back into her coma.
There were no permanent injuries.


It bothers me.
A lot.
Grown adults PICKING ON & HITTING children.

I am taking a stand.

Let's end Bullying.
Let's end Cyberbullying.

I am getting sick and tired of reading these stories.
I am getting sick and tired of worrying if my son will be bullied again..
And if next time: He GETS HURT.

I worry for other peoples children.
I worry for my fellow man...

This has to stop.


Pass this post on...
At the end of it..
 Add your stories or opinions on Bullying.

Let's get the word out.

The rules in place are not stringent enough.
The laws in place are not protecting our children or us.

People shouldn't be allowed to victimize people over the Internet.

I am not saying that everyone should be nice to each other.
I am not saying that rainbows and hearts should rain from the sky while we skip arm in arm together.




If you agree..
Pass this on.

Let's protect each other.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Good Enough.


Evanescence has to be my favorite group.
I think it is safe to say it is because of the arrangements and lyrics written by Amy Lee.

I can always find something that resonates with me.

I've probably posted this video before.
But... I think I needed to reference it again.

I haven't felt good enough... in a while.
Good enough for anything.
Good enough to be where I am.
To have what I have...
To be achieving what I have achieved.

I feel ...
I feel ...
I feel ...

And I shouldn't.
At least:
I can't seem to find a reason in my head why I should feel any of these things.

My heart feels heavy.
I feel like I am a prisoner to my routine.
I feel like Klay is just becoming part of my routine.

It hurts to write that.
If I expect him to just be there... am I respecting him?
am I cherishing what I have?

Or... have I just compartmentalized him into the day in and day out.

It's been almost 2 1/2 years. 
I know that it can't feel "special" forever.
Or can it?
 or should it?

We're buying a house.
We are becoming a "real" family.
 I shouldn't be feeling this way.

I know the stress is getting to me.

I just wish he would see it.
I just wish we could just disappear together..
Just for a little while.
Just pretend like the stress and the routine didn't exist.

Is that so wrong?
That for an hour or two...
Pretend like we were the only two people on this earth?

I just want to feel Good Enough..
Just for a little while.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


I think a fair amount of stress can really break ones motivation.

I think that stressful situations day in and day out can really make one sick.

I've seen it happen.
The problem of shutting down due to stress runs in my family.
My mother, my sister, and I all have that problem.
Some of us more than others.

I use this tool as a way to process the stress, and make it bearable.

My mother self-medicates... and yells at everyone... or at least that's what she used to do.
It has been 3 years since I have physically seen her... The last conversation we had, which was about 6 months ago (at the most)... I was very calm, and she was an animal. I ended it calmly.... But, she was one of my biggest stressors so, I had to distance myself. For my (and Emry's) mental and physical safety.

My sister... well, she shuts down. She gets sick. She becomes reclusive... She does... everything I used to do. 

Yup. That's what I do.

My stress eats away at me... and if I don't fuel it into a conversation, or a blog post... I shut down. Long term. I go to a very dark place.

The last time I was in a place that dark... addiction set in.

It's a major fear... that I will one day succumb to those demons... and lose my way....

So, how does one stay motivated in the face of all this stress....

I don't know.

I write.
I write as much as I can.
I force myself to be as social as I can....
I pretend like I'm okay... which is a problem, I know... but, I have found that a happy outlook will turn "pretending" into "actuality"... eventually.

I knew there was starting to be a problem when... well...

I didn't want to go to work.

Now, I know I have told you about my job.
The cakewalk of a career...

I have never NOT wanted to come to work.
I have never NOT wanted to be in this building.
This job has helped me to become financially stable.
It has allowed me to provide for my son in a way I never dreamed possible...

But recently... the pillow seems more appealing.
TV shows and the couch seem more attractive than this desk and computer screen.

I want to be alone.
I want to be under a blanket.

That's where old fears start to creep in.
This is what happened.... the last time stress overtook my world.
This is what happened when I lost myself to a monster....

I am different now.
I know this.

The situation is different now.

But, why then? Why am I so afraid? Why am I so tired? Why am I so... un-motivated?

I have to many amazing things on the horizon... and most of them depend on me maintaining a steady income.

Perhaps that's the problem...

The pressure of remaining stable.
The pressure of consistency.
The pressure not to fail.


Yesterday, as I lay on my couch... when I should have been here... The thoughts of the pressure.. the thoughts of me losing my stride... well, it made me physically ill. I was sick for most of the day.

As I write this, I can feel the pit of my stomach turn... I can feel my core get heavy...

Where does one turn when they are supposed to be the leader?
Where does one turn when everyone looks to her for strength?
Where does one go, when she feels herself starting to lose stride?

I need to explain this to Klay.
He tries to help.
He sees me tired, sick, and broken... and he thinks that him doing everything, that it will make me better.

What's sad is... it won't make me better..... The laziness of being unmotivated and stressed sets in.
It makes me want to give up all of my responsibility to him.
It makes me want to become one with the sofa... One with the pillows and the darkness of my bedroom.

I cannot shut down.
It is not the time to shut down.

 New house is 60 days away.
It's within my grasp.
 I will have everything I ever dreamed for... The house, the partner, the family... the support...
I don't want to lose it.
I don't want to lose myself and lose everything I worked for....

I just can't seem to find my way out of this.

I just can't seem to find my way "home".

Klay asked me how I felt this morning...
I told him just as horrible as yesterday.
That I didn't want to go... how I cried about coming in today....
How I didn't have a choice.
That I cannot give myself a choice to not come.
That not having a choice made it bearable....


I've been ranting in this post for over an hour.
Still no resolution...
Still no answers...

I suppose I should keep writing...
A little more everyday...
Write the honest things that I hold in my head.
Write so much honesty that it provides my answer...