People Just as Crazy as Me

Monday, January 13, 2014

I am... a liar.. a big fat LIAR

Remember, when I took a break from blogging, because the holidays and work and yada yada yada...

That was a lie.

Remember when I said I was getting back on track... Well.... That was a lie...

Remember when I was being all positive last week and then got sick... WELL, that's sort of the truth, except for the positive part... I was kind of sick.


In the head.

No, I'm not insane... not more so than usual...

I am really freaking depressed, and I am tired of hiding it. 
I put on a smile for the people at work... the people at home.... the friends I have.... 

The karate school staff.... The checkout people at the super markets... 

I lie..
About how I am feeling... 

And I have been doing this... oh... since the middle of December... Maybe even sooner, but I wasn't conscious of it until the middle of December.

It started kind of like this pulling. 
This pulling that was sucking all the ... sparkle out of a normal day.

It became hard to type thoughts... It became hard to focus on my work...
It became hard to smile... to work out (even though I did)...

Food became comforting...
I began to lie to myself...

I began to have to really push my workouts just to keep my weight in check.
Which, in turn, made me really hate working out.
Made me NOT want to do it in the morning.

Then I had 2 five day weekends from work (One between Christmas and the Other between New years)... Literally, I was only in work 2 days a week... for 2 weeks. 

This made it even easier not to workout, which I had started to hate... and so much easier to say Yes, to every food item in sight.

I promised myself.. I would get back on track. I set new goals.... I want to be 125 or a size smaller by February 19th... remember? 

Is that going to happen... I'm going to try... 

But, after I got sick... aka: my depression hit an all time high, and I got really really lost in it... I am exactly where I started... so I really... really.... need to focus.

I need to find my zest.

I need to find the drive.

Where did this come from?
I really think it's a culmination of things...

My sister hasn't been well... Her fragile nature took a turn for the worse, and well... Thanksgiving and New Years... she was.... Not reachable. That's the easiest and most delicate way to put that.... She was safe, and being taken care of... Just, someplace without phone access.... Let's leave it at that.

It makes me really sad that my sister is... where she is right now. It makes me even sadder that there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. 

It hurts that I can't share with her these amazing things, and it hurt me that I thought that I couldn't be all "Girly Engaged Chick" with her.... because I thought my happiness would be... Too much?

So, I got very upset... that it was like I didn't have a sister... I had no one to gush with. My mom is insane, and we don't speak to her... but, my sister is the one I am supposed to be able to turn to.
Confide in.. and she's not... and that's something I have to deal with... and usually do deal with... But, not this time...

I let it pull me down.

Then there is the fact that we are planning this entire wedding... That is a JOYOUS thing.. Right?
Well, between his mother being over bearing, and starting panic with HER list.. which she shouldn't even HAVE... and then with her completely pulling the "I'm a crazy bitch card" and shutting down and ignoring me for half a week... That didn't help either.

But, in between that... 

There is stuff with me... in me... that isn't... Ringing right...

I feel as if I am off kilter.. as if I am losing steam... As if, I am becoming dependent on this lifestyle.

I love how helpful my fiance is, but, I am scared that I rely on him too much... And, I can't get over my feeling of impending abandonment... I need faith, I need hope,..... I need to trust in what I have... and I'm so lost.. that I can't do that... I AM LOST... and I really wish that I could find my way out of this darkness....

It is making me very sick.

I knew I had gotten to a point, where I had gone too far down.. to far into the darkness, when I found myself TRYING to pick a fight with Klay... when I was allowing myself to be OVERLY sensitive.. and thus letting things get to me. 

I decided, that I was done... That even if I couldn't figure out how to fix it... I would LEAVE it behind anyway. I am sad. I am depressed... but I am not going to let it win.

That is what I am going for.

I went out on Sunday, and I replenished my healthy food... I will not eat any more of the comfort crap in the cupboards. I will leave that for the other people of the house.

I knew this was the right thing to do this morning... (the needing to move on from the depression)... when I hit a pot hole on the ride to work... and SCREAMED at the air... "WHAT THE FUCK IS IT TODAY?!?!?!?!" Mind you, nothing happened... it was 530a... Nothing else had happened, and I'm already screaming? And then I sobbed, because I knew how close I am to the breaking point. This cemented the fact that I need to bulk up... and move on... And up... Back into the light where I belong.

I am not going to try and structure my workouts.. I am going to go to the gym and just DO what the mood strikes me... The same amount of time in the gym.. but with a Come What May Exercise regimen. 

Today I did a Level 3 Kilimanjaro Mountain on the Elliptical... and I cried my way through it. Half figurative - Half literal on this description... I'm sure I'll feel it tomororw....

I did other cardio, aerobic, and weight training.. But, it was kind of like... What do I do now? 
I felt good after... And I totally let the heavy bag have it... to the point where the only other person in the gym (who wasn't there for the elliptical crying, thank goodness) peaked in and said... I thought there was something wrong with the bass on the TV... it's just you.... (Oops... lots of aggression I suppose).

I still feel... meh... today, but I am making a conscious effort to not let it win.
I went to prayer meeting this morning at work, and I asked for everyone to pray for my sister... and in turn they also prayed for me... because it was obvious that I needed it to.

I am going to start taking more pride in my appearance. I have an amazing body now, and even in work clothes, I should be able to show how happy THAT makes me. 
So, instead of looking like a drowned, pale rat... I am planning on bringing a little makeup with me to work... so I look alive... and I'm going to bring a hair dryer or something with me... so that my hair isn't always this limp nothingness. 

I am going to focus on the things in my life that bring me joy. 
I am going to focus on the people who bring me joy.
I also want to use that light.. that sparkle, to try and give joy to those who need it.
My sister, for one, even though she probably doesn't want it.. I'm going to try and give her as much reason to smile as possible....
Make it my mission to be her RAY of SUNSHINE!

I hope with this, I will NOT be a liar anymore..

That I can return to who I am...
Not who I was turning in to.

So, I am sorry to have lied.

And, please, understand if I post some dark out looks or ranting posts like this...

I need it....



  1. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. That's all. Mental hugs.

  2. i send you glad tidings... all i can say is at some point the "sh#t" will go away... when i am at my bottom, i know i am only there for a little while. push forward and kick this things ass, you have the support i can send...