People Just as Crazy as Me

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I shouldn't be surprised

Yesterday, after working a jam packed day, and writing an amazing vent filled post, tasty healthy meal choices... and a decent workout... I felt good.

I caught myself genuinely smiling and laughing when I was home.

I was hopeful,  maybe I only needed one day to get out of this funk....

Good Morning, it's Tuesday, and consider me still FUNKED.
(See, what I did there? Meh, I thought it was funny.)

I woke up feeling the world crashing down just as hard as I thought it was yesterday.

I shouldn't be surprised.
I was hopeful.. but I wasn't being reasonable.

For something that has been building for a while now... It should have known, that it be longer than a day to kick.

Like cigarettes.. people have a problem quitting those too....

Depression is my version of a pack of Marlboro Reds...

I got up, looked at myself, and said... Yup, I know you're there.... Do things that make us happy.

Working out makes me happy... So I did that again. Sweat and Cried it out... Again.
I was really lucky, that once again, no one was in the gym during this. The second I was done with the grueling up hill battle of the Elliptical Kilimanjaro (which I find to be symbolic actually).... I started my cool down exercises... and THEN someone walked in.

There is a God, because I would hate to hear the rumors that could start... "You see that chick.. she cries while she works out."

I'm not crying because I hate what I am doing... I'm not crying that it hurts... It is hard... so I may be slightly crying because I am pushing myself... But, as the elliptical builds resistance... and as I start to run up that mountain (figuratively speaking)... I envision the things I am trying to get around...
The things that I feel are holding me down. And I think, if I can finish this... If I can get to the top... The whole way down will look better.

Does it work? Sort of.
But, I cry (not sob, but really tear up) while I get further into the cycle.

If I were a swimmer.... I'd swim this out. Use the water as a literal interpretation of the waves crashing down on me... and push through it....

But, I'm not a great swimmer... I have a mean backstroke... and dead man's float... even a breast stroke... But, just freestyle... Not my strongest thing...

Moving on... I got lost in translation there...

The funny thing of my morning... That made me laugh...

Was over my breakfast, which was one of those new flavors of Dannon Blends. Chocolate Raspberry flavored. TOTAL YUM... However, being as which this is the first time I tried it... I open it... and
Well, I was thinking it was going to be pink...I'm not sure why I didn't think it be brown... But it was, and it surprised me... So much that I exclaimed, "WHAT THE WHAT?" Out loud.
And then cautiously ate the first bite. I don't have reaction to chocolate pudding... or chocolate milkshakes... why did I have such a weird reaction to BROWN COLORED YOGURT.

I giggled at it.

I should have paced myself yesterday, because today, my work load is a little light, so it's making the time go slower... And the work I do have... is making me angry... SO, I'm ignoring it out of spite.
I'll get to it eventually.

This is another part of this depression stage I'm in.. I am either totally down to demolish something (work, exercise, a meal) or completely MEH about it...

I am good enough.... I am good enough...

I did sleep through the night.. No nightmares to speak of... or that I remember....

I really wanted to pick up my guitar last night. I had it planned.. You know?
Did it happen?
Nope... but watching (read: sleeping to) Bakery Boss did....

I'll try again tonight...

I've made myself a promise, that the second that others try to pressure me, or stress me out, that I am going to let them know.

"**SUCH AND SUCH** is stressing me out. Let's please change the subject."

I'm hoping that will eliminate most of the personal conversations... and people starting them... That are only engaged to bring me down or make me feel inferior.... Or simply as manipulation to get their own way.

 I hope this works.
Because, this morning... It did.

Why is it that some people are NOT interested in how you're doing.. but ONLY want to see how the PRESSURE is making you react. The people that smile at you when you are clearly stressed out... and continue a conversation that obviously makes you uncomfortable. Or... they try to talk about it from a different angle... It makes me nuts. But, I am really overly touchy right now.

I did bring a little makeup with me today.
So I don't look completely like a drowned pale rat....

I almost didn't.
I said, Oh, I'll start that next week. That sort of thinking is what got us into this mess... So, I told myself to fuck off and grab the necessary two things.

BB cream and Mascara. (I already carry a variety of lip glosses with me. Not on purpose. There is the one in my purse... the one on my desk... the one in my gym bag.... the one in my console of my car.... It's more for handy use)

And I don't think I look so awful... Just more... even toned...

I took pride in my appearance as well.. and paired a lovely white cable knit sweater over a black polo shirt... With some slate colored pants.. I look preppy... but, I'm not hating that so much.

Kindness makes me smile.
One of the ladies I work with, secretly, gave me two awesome jackets. She heard of my brokeness and the fact that I have no clothes that really fit me.. so I've been juggling the same 5 things over and over. And that I recently got a whole shitload of new stuff... but, Still... no casual stuff.. so my weekends are hard... She did this secretly because she hasn't donated to any other "causes" in this building. But, she likes me I think... and she is a sweet person. I'll keep her secret. She is being kind to me... and that was unexpected. She says she has more stuff... and I don't expect it to come my way... but will be equally overjoyed with the kindness.

10:30... hour and a half to lunch.... 5 hours 20 minutes until I leave....

Say something or I'm giving up on you... Really a cheesy song.. but the melancholy of the minor chords and the haunting singing... oddly done by Christina Aguilera... Resonates....

Need to work...

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry your totally funked today (hehehe) I've been there, it's happens pretty bad about twice a year. You just gotta ride it through and try and do whatever will calm it, like you said, doing things that make you happy!.

    If wedding stuff is stressing you at all, change your perspective on it, it's not a chore, it's a blessing!!!!! Force it! hahaha. I hope your day get's better, Mine is just starting over here on the west coast