A lot of people are always telling me that I'm super human.
This is because I take a lot of things on, and manage to accomplish them...
But, I am just one person, and I have no super human powers to speak of.
And even though on the outside I show the "I got this" chick... on the inside, I'm usually a bundle of nerves. I am usually completely on edge, and over thinking. Trying to plan ever millisecond so I can get everything done.
Worry and Over thinking are Incorrect uses of Imagination... I read that somewhere... Probably a Meme on Facebook... But, it's true.
Instead of using my energy and just taking things one step at a time, recently, I've had mental list on top of mental list. If I'm sitting down, I'm usually thinking, What am I forgetting. Because in my head, recently, there should be no time left for sitting down... unless it's sleeping.
This is wrong.
Over work, Over thinking, Over scheduling... Non stop motion from 430a to 9p seven days a week: IS NOT HEALTHY.
Shocked? I know, I am too. **Mild Sarcasm**
I also beat myself up... when I forget something on my checklist.
This happened the other night. Hell, it was Wednesday night.
Emry has recently changed karate schools... a lot of drama, and not intended for this post. MOVING ON.
His new dojang had a "Bring your friends Night", and we were supposed to hand out these paper invitations to our children's friends.
Wednesday came, and Emry asked me who I had invited... and I just kind of went blank.
This was not a big thing. It's not a required thing, just something nice that the dojang offers. I know this. Emry asked me why I forgot.. and that started the panic attack. Which, I allowed to overflow...
Because I'm not perfect, because I forgot and I had too much going on. And I'm sorry that I forgot this thing on my to do list.
I said these things aloud. Emry just kind of looked at me... And patted my back. "It's okay Mama. It's not a big deal. I didn't mean to make you cry."
The thing is... he didn't make me cry.
In the back.. the very back of my head, I knew it was okay and that it was just this little gaff...
My mental state... well.. It took over, the panic attack took shape and told me that I was this awful parent, and how could I let a ball drop from the ever growing mental check list. That a good mother wouldn't have let this happen. That if I was a Stay at Home mother, this would have never happened.. that I am not doing right by him, that I cannot be MOM first and WORKER later...
My mental state ran a freaking marathon around me.
That's why I cried.
Because in those mere seconds... My head worked me up into a freaking tizzy.
I agree. I'm working on it.
This was also the day we had a parent/teacher conference with Emry's teacher. This is something that happens twice a year... and we're never really surprised with the 2nd one of the year. This is also a story for another post... But, the point I'm making is... I was a little stressed before we got into the car to go to karate.
I'll talk about that tomorrow.
I'm not a Super Hero.
I am human. I have weaknesses.
I do not have never ending energy.
NO ONE IS PERFECT.
I DO NOT NEED TO TRY PUSH MYSELF.
I need to be the best I can be, and every day that level will change.
I need to realize that mostly everything can be pushed off until tomorrow.
That my OCD is not in control... That if my checklist has a few things unmarked.. that EVERYTHING will be okay.
A lot is going on between being a Mom, Planning a Wedding, Working...
If I pray really hard, God will still not give me a couple extra hours.
And that's okay.
Because the world will not end because I didn't finish cutting up the fruit for the week or didn't clean the glass for the 5th straight weekend in a row.
I need to remember WHY I do all these things.
The reasons are simple:
- My Dad
- Our lovely home
Now, if I'm so busy doing the things... and not enjoying the reason(s) why I do them. Does that make any sense?
I need to enjoy things. I need to enjoy the people I am working so hard to provide for.
I need to be more present in my life... and not just the cleaning/food shopping/yelling banshee woman in the background.
I need to be the person all these people LOVE.
They need to be a priority.. A higher one then completing check list.
That's all I have to say about that.
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