"At the heart of bitterness is a lack of forgiveness.
Not forgiving someone(thing) drives the issue underground where it festers
and grows into a 'root of bitterness'"
You cannot be bitter and get better. There's no way.
You cannot resent yourself, or others.
You cannot deny that situations hold you down, and perpetuate negative outcomes within you.
You have to forgive to move on.. and up.
Does that make sense?
I read that couple of sentences over and over this week. I contemplated them. And then, I applied it... to many aspects of my journey.
- If I do gain weight, or not achieve a goal with my fitness.. I should not be Angry or Bitter with myself. I should see it as a time of growth. That I just need to try harder. That I need to approach things differently. Getting angry about not achieving a goal or gaining weight does not mean I give up all together... Life happens. You get back on the horse and you try again. I do not just say "I've screwed up already, time for the DOUGHNUTS!"
- If I am upset with a person, or a situation in my life... It does not mean that I internalize it, and allow it to beat me down. I need to learn how to move on, faster, how to let things roll off my back... quicker. I'm still holding resentment, for the stupidity my sister is doing as my MOH. I can't even pick up the phone for her. I purposely return her phone calls, when I know she isn't available. She is trying really hard to smooth things over with me, and instead of embracing it, I am taking it BITTERLY. I am seeing it as her trying to be obsessive and manic-y with me. I should be acting BETTER, and forgiving the past.. and moving forward.. and allow us to mend. I know this. I see this now.
- At home, with my son, he isn't perfect.. He's awesome, don't get me wrong, but he's not the perfect kid. And he does things that drive me insane.. and we repeat so many lessons OVER and OVER again. I feel like I say the same things to him ALL the time. Instead of instantly being upset with repeating myself, I need to take a breath, and try for a better response. Remembering that he, at seven years old, has so many new things occurring, and that all that goes on... requires more... reiteration.... And that is OKAY. Constantly need to remind myself that he's a kid... and not part of my schedule.
I have always been a big believer in making positive steps... In moving forward.
Not letting your past define you... Not living in the past.
Taking control of your demons (or as I call it, your darkness) and fueling it into your LIGHT.
But, I'm Human... And sometimes... I lose track of that.
For me, when I lose track, I usually REALLY beat myself up about it. How dare I; the one who is so into energy work, and so against perpetuating a negative cycle; HOW DARE I lose track of that and allow myself to be a DARK person.
I mentally beat myself up.. and that overflows into me physically being STUPID. I eat to make myself feel better... and then I exercise like crazy to try and get it off... Then I get ANGRY, because I can't just undo what I did so quickly. And then I get angry at EXERCISING.. which, I love.. seriously: I LOVE TO EXERCISE. I feel so great afterwards... So.. Self loathing takes over... And then I eat more... then I exercise more.. and then I WEIGH MORE.. and then I act MORE DARK... AND MORE BITTER... UNTIL
Something triggers... a memory... "YOU ARE NOT THIS PERSON".
And I get back on track.
That basically describes what happened during my "blogcation"...
That's why I stopped blogging...
And blogging, is another thing that I find TRUE JOY in.
I use this as a therapy vessel.
And, the bitterness got so bad, that I couldn't even turn HERE...
For new readers, Kateri Von Steal, is not my real name, I use a pseudoname (as well as pseudonames for my family members)... because the internet is a scary place.
But, also, it allows for me to vent up a storm... and feel safe.
My family knows I blog, some of them know the name of the blog... Still.. no one comes here. Or if they do, they've never let on.
One day, maybe, I'll feel so safe in who I am and what I write.. that I'll change that... I'll say "HI.. My name is..." And we'll all move on... Today is STILL not that day.
SO, today.. remember... CHOOSE TO GET BETTER NOT BITTER.
I think tomorrow, I want to talk about the amazing foods I've been eating, and recipes I've been finding... If I found one on a fellow blog, I will completely give credit where it is due.
See you all tomorrow!