I find a lack of inspiration on Tuesdays.. I now, look forward to Wednesdays, due to the blog hop.. but Tuesdays.. I mean seriously, it's a lull in my blogiverse... Isn't that just weird?
I did make a collage this morning, because I am a super proud Mama.
We are still in such disbelief how good he did on Sunday. I mean, of course he did, he's very active.. but, a 5k is no joke for those little legs. And the fact that he wants to do more. I couldn't be more excited.
Today I did my weight and strength training. And, I went down into the scary meat head weight room... Why oh Why, do you ask? Because, the girly barbells upstairs are just too light.. I need the ones with the ACTUAL WEIGHTS ON THEM. No more weighted, padded bars for this chick.
This caused the men downstairs to be thrown in a loop... Almost as if they were thinking, WHY IS THERE A GIRL DOWN HERE? And then... I went for the 50 pound barbell.
And then I proceeded to do SQUATS with it, and then SIDE SQUATS... and then LUNGES....
And I watched the men.. just watch.
Not in they "Hey there honey, you look HOOOOT" but in the "Holy shit, she's acutally doing that".
This was then followed by my doing some CLEAN AND PRESSES... I swear... These men.. Just weren't working out.
I stopped there, and I went upstairs, because, I only really use between 5 and 10 pound dumbbells for my arm workout. I mean... otherwise, they really ache after.. and I do have to type (for this blog and for that thing I do regularly..what's it called, oh yeah.. WORK) on a computer.
But for that 15 minutes.... I felt good. I felt strong. I felt... like I was respected amongst the meat heads. And that makes it okay for me to go down there more often. Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean I can't be as strong as you.
This was good... to feel that good... It was good to power through a workout...
The assisted pull up machine is still assisting me... and I just wanted to be able to DO IT today.. you know, no weights to help.. That would have really made my day...
But, I'm not there yet. Not defeated by it.. Just would have been nice.. And I will keep working on it.
When I was done with the workout... The adrenaline flowing through me.. my mind racing..
And I finally actually dealt with the fact that my cousins won't be in my wedding party...
I just dealt with the fact, that there is a small chance that they (My aunt, uncle and cousins) will not be coming up for my wedding...
And then the tears started to flow. I know that sounds silly.
But, I have no family.
My mother is unsafe, and my grandmother is under her thumb.. so that's two immediate members of family that I couldn't invite (and also, two people that should be sharing this day with me).
My extended family on my mother's side, has been lied to about the type of person I am.. and therefore, I refuse to give in to that drama, and just gave up on them.
My father's side of the family is super small, and they will be coming.. all 2 of them...
I have an uncle in California, who is just as crazy as my mother...
I have a 2nd cousin and her husband that are coming..
My sister and her husband.
So that leaves my family in TN... my aunt, is like my psuedo mother.. she's the closest thing I got.
To think that the people who I hold closest.. won't be there... breaks my freaking heart... It just.. hurts.
I feel very alone, most of the time. I find strength in those who are around me. My fiance, my son, and my father.. But, other than that... I really feel very isolated... and that makes me utterly sad.
I feel that I cannot rely on anyone.. and that I am not important enough to love.
I feel like an orphan... really. and Isn't that just sad?
My "close" friends are always crapping out on me.. for better options...
and I get walked all over at work...
I just try to put my best foot forward, stay positive.. and push forward.
I do the right thing.. because it is the RIGHT thing.
I just wish I had more support... I wish I was treated the way I treat my friends/family.
If anything goes down, I am the first one to offer support and to act on it.
I am the one to offer to make things.
I am the one to offer to clean up, or help clean to prepare.
But, no one does that for me.
Heck, no one can even spare an hour of their day to come watch me put my wedding dress on.
And now, and the reasoning is solid, my family in TN is doing it too... I mean..
CAN I CATCH A FREAKING BREAK?
All of this went through my mind at once.. and I cried... and cried and cried.
The entire ride home from the YMCA.
Kissed my kid and fiance goodbye...
And just got to work...
It felt good to cry.
It feels good to have this little pitty party post.
It's a Tuesday thing.. It's my slump of the week.. where everything pools...
I will get through this.
I will push forward...
I will push forward...
It will be okay...