People Just as Crazy as Me

Thursday, July 3, 2014

FEARLESS


Liz @ Fitness Blondie



Today, is usually Twit Thursdays, which is a link up I started in order to help us progress through the Healthy Journey... To reach others in the blogiverse and know that they are not alone in the trenches of achieving healthy goals. However, somehow, the work websense has decided that I cannot go to the Linkup page, and set up today's Twit Link. **SIGHS**

However, do not fear.. actually that's the point... Let's be FEARLESS... Today, I am going to share my story. I you are wondering what this Being Fearless is about.. go visit Liz @ the Fitness Blondie, and read about her project... her AMAZING project.

Let's start from the beginning, and let's clear some things up:
My name is Jillian.
I am 29 years old.
I grew up in suburban Upstate New York.
I have an older sister.
A mother (by name) and a father


I pretty much had a normal cookie cutter childhood up until I was about 11 years old. That's when everything changed....That's when everything was turned upside down, and life got real dark.

My mother was in a horrible car accident, and from it... discovered she had MS. MS does a lot of awful things to a body... but, it also brings out underlying symptoms, and psychosis, that a cunning person could hide. My mother did a 360, and turned into the woman I avoid to this very day. She's psychotic, a cruel, and overall... I label her as a narcissistic sociopath. She began psychologically, mentally, emotionally and physically abusing my sister and I.

We were never good enough. We were never pretty enough. We were never smart enough. We were liars We were cheaters We were abusive. These were all of the insecurities that she felt, and put on us... So she didn't have to accept or take responsibility for her actual behavior.

My sister went to college before I did.... She left me alone.... Not her fault. She got out.
I can't blame her.

I had about 3 years alone with my mother... At the age of 17... after a major blow out... and abusive attack from my mother, I moved out. My mother had finally figured out that I was not going to allow the abuse anymore. She also had figured out that I was stronger than she was. And that wasn't allowed, she came at me with a knife. She intended to kill me. I was able to hold her off of me long enough before, by the grace of God, my father came home.

I moved out. My sisters (now) in-laws, took me in, but at a price. I rented a room in their home. I paid for groceries. I became an adult at the age of 17. I worked full-time, and still stayed in school. I achieved the same grades I had been, and I graduated 10th in my class. I went to pharmacy school.
I wanted to make something of myself. AT ALL COSTS.

Moving out at 17, was hard. I was never allowed to have a life when I lived with my mother. (Notice how I never mentioned my dad once in this, my father worked so that we could live a life that my mother had grown accustomed, at all costs. He even moved to Philadelphia so that she could maintain this lifestyle. But moving on...) I didn't have many friends, and the friends I did have... were not the best. But, the loners liked me, they didn't care about all the little things. They were slightly broken, just like the way I felt about myself. I felt damaged, and that I wasn't capable of having... quality people around me.

I went nuts. It's true, I did a lot of things I shouldn't have the summer that I graduated high school. I hung out with people twice my age. It didn't matter. I felt so liberated. I didn't see what was coming.

Pharmacy school didn't work out, because I didn't let it. I was so free, and had friends... not real friends, but the wolves always hide in sheeps clothing... I dropped out. I couldn't keep it going. I was with a man.. who was 10 years my senior. I didn't notice the control he had gained over me... Why he was okay with me throwing away everything I had worked for.

He got me alone. Isolated. I dropped out of college, and I didn't think any of my family would get it. That's what he told me, the boyfriend, his name was Keith. The thing that got me to drop out, the way I allowed myself to be manipulated, was when our friend was killed. Sarah was killed in a car wreck, the driver was another one of our "friends", who decided to drive drunk and high. A friend killed by a friend. It was heart wrenching... It broke our little group. Keith was devious, he told me that I had to drop out. That not only was this too much for me to handle, and keep up with school, but that he also needed me... that he couldn't be alone. I left. I was so broken by the death of a friend, that I allowed the manipulation to take. That's when the isolation began.

The more and more isolated he got me... the more and more he started to abuse me. The more and more he pushed drugs on me.

I had a habit. A bad one...**sighs** I had a horrible cocaine addiction, and I couldn't see my natural skin tone, beneath the burns, cuts and bruises. I began to hurt myself, because it was the only way I felt something. I couldn't find my way out. I couldn't see me when I looked in the mirror anymore.... I was gone. I was just a shell.

The level of abuse was escalating, to the point where I couldn't work. I couldn't leave bed... I was hidden from the world... I was hidden so no one could see what he was doing to me. What I was allowing to happen. I can't tell you if I felt anything during that time... I was empty... just so empty.

Enter Nick. He was so sweet. He seemed so different. I met my ex-husband, when Keith was spending an extended time in a lap dance. Nick was bouncing... He told me I didn't need that. He was just so shocked that my boyfriend would make me drive him to THESE type of places so he could get drunk and pay for women... And he was right.

But, Keith came out.. we went home... I thought I never see Nick again. Until, I needed a new cell phone, and there selling me one, was Nick. I really thought it was a sign.

Remember when I said I couldn't work? Well, Keith made a really bad business decision, and then I HAD to work... So, I went to the mall... the very same mall where Nick worked. We became friends, silently... if Keith ever knew, it would have been done... and it would have been bad. Even though I had a little freedom, the hold of my abuser was STRONG... I made sure I was never a minute late coming or going.

Nick started to see the cuts, the bruises... Nick took me out. Nick grabbed my shit out of Keiths crummy apartment.. and took me away. Whether we'd be together or not. Which, we did... I fell in love with my savior... I hear it happens a lot in these situations. I hear it's a normal result...

We got married after 8 months. Nick told me of all the things we would do. How he would give me everything I needed... We would have the dream.

Little did I know, that I jumped from one type of abuse to another...

"The dream" was short lived. With in two years, Nick lost interest in me, and wandered. REALLY WANDERED. The only way I knew to cope, was to start hurting myself again. To start my habit again. I got lost... again. I didn't have the proper coping skills. I didn't know how to get through without it. That was wrong, I see that now.. I should have asked for help.

To someone. To ANYONE. Nick didn't care. If I was high and downward spiraling, it let him do whatever he wanted to. He was free to be what he wanted to be.

Enter Pregnancy. Everything changed. I stopped. FOR ME. I stopped for the life growing in me.
I stopped COLD TURKEY.. No blinking.. no excuses... It was OVER.. I needed to be NOT a drug addict.

I vowed to be different. I vowed to give everything to this child. Nick didn't. Nick vowed to find a way to scheme so that the baby wouldn't interfere with the material possessions he took more stock in then the love of a family. And, the women, who would see the charm and appeal ... not the liar, cheater, and scumbag he really was.

Emry was born, and I knew I'd be okay. I began to drive myself forward. I began to make myself who I needed to be. For my son.

It took a few years, but, we got there. My ex-husband went to war... and by war, I mean the Navy Reserves sent him to Kuwait.. that's right.. NOT WAR... He basically went away to work... I digress. When he came back... we were basically divorced...

While he was away though, one of his friends took a liking to me... and well.. Stalking happened. Lots of scary things happened... But, they were short lived... And not even worthy of really discussing. But, the stalking occurred when I started to NEED to blog.. Why I started blogging was to get the darkness out... So, to try and protect myself... I created a pseudoname... I became Kateri Von Steal. So, in case you were wondering... That's why My name is Jillian and I write as KVS. I sometimes consider just using my own Image on the Blog.. and my own name... But, I think I still need a little safety net from the internet.
 
I met Klay through my friend Lissa... and the rest is history...
 
I have been with Klay for 4 years, in the past four years... of making positive and right decisions.. Everything has changed... Everything has ascended...

February 2013, I made another step.. I got my body healthy. I mean, I was in a healthy job, with healthy relationships... I needed to get myself HEALTHY. I lost the weight.. I dropped 50 pounds in 5 months... I continue to work on my body, and am so amazing at the great things I have achieved. It's not about being skinny... it's about my HEALTHY and IN SHAPE.. and learning what your body is CAPABLE OF. This body... GREAT THINGS... I can't wait to keep progressing.

I have an amazing job... I have an amazing son, and loving spouse.
My fiance is an amazing father to our son.... Klay is the father that Emry deserved all along.

We have the cookie cutter life now.. the suburban house, in the nice neighborhood...

And soon, we will have the dream wedding... All of the things I wanted... To make something of myself... I have achieved.

It was a long road... it was dark, and it took a while to get here... but I am HERE now. And all the darkness was worth it.

I found me. I love me. I am comfortable with who I am as a person. I am weird. I am quirky. I am a bitch.

But, I'm strong. I'm smart. I am capable.

I have love. I have friends. I have support.

I haven't made all the right decisions. Quite the opposite, for a long time I made all the wrong ones.

But, not anymore. I do what's right. I do what I have to do. And I am proud of everything I have achieved.
And, I started out, as an introverted teenager. Begging to be heard. Begging to be loved by a mother, who was only capable over loving herself.

You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

I am tattooed. I am pierced I am beautiful.
But most of all.. 

I
AM
FEARLESS.



That is my story... from beginning to end...
I am fearless because I am capable of overcoming ANY obstacle.

Signed:
Jillian
(aka: Kateri Von Steal)



3 comments:

  1. I am literally crying at my desk. This is so beautiful and so so inspiring! I am really glad I "know" you and I am so happy you are sharing your story- you are truly fearless!

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  2. It was brave of you to share your story. :)

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  3. OMG!!! I have thought about writing about my own addiction for a while but I haven't done it. I was thinking about writing it for this week's Fearless but I don't know if I can be fully honest just cuz I'm not sure I'm ready to share the whole story. Thanks for sharing, that can be really hard to do.

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