There are those moments, when I realize.. "Why am I keeping all of this inside, I have a fucking blog... DUH" And then I look at the screen and instantly do not want to type what I am thinking.
Isn't that weird? It's a fear of just typing it.. and getting it out there.
But, not today, because this is the day that I get it all out there.
**WARNING THIS POST WILL CONTAIN MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SWEARING**
I do not have many gal friends. This is for a couple of reasons, the major ones being:
- I am anti drama, and really dislike the drama that circulates around most women.
- I am not really in to GIRL things, and only recently have I found a set of gals who like to hike, workout, etc. etc.
- I was always the ugly duckling in school, even though I never really thought I was, and girls were cruel.. just very very cruel... hence a trust issue.
My best friend, and recently I've been using this term LOOSELY, Lissa, has been in this from the get go. She is the reason that Klay and I met. I love her... but, her lifestyle and strict "I only do what I want, when I want" ways are starting to REALLY REALLY piss me off.
She lies. She makes plans, and then the day of (or the day before) something MAJOR comes up and she can't attend. Major is usually a family problem, or a health thing. But, I then find out that the situation alleviates, so she is able to do fun activities in the day.. but, still couldn't come to the plans she had set with me... And it seems, because it happens all the time, that she drops plans with me, for something more EXCITING.. and FUN.
Now, when it comes to like BBQ's or Movies or going to the Carnival.. I could care less. You don't want to come (even though you were an avid part of making these plans)... whatever. I still have fun.
BUT, when it comes to BOTH of my dress trials (the buying and the fitting)... and then to every craft event (because I'm DIY'ing EVERYTHING to cut costs)... It is very fucking insulting.
I hate that she always has to be right, and that she always has an excuse, and that she just can't commit to anything. She always tries to twist the situations "I know I felt better later in the day, but I figure it was already over, so why even show up late?" FUCK YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING TEXTED OR CALLED.... THIS IS A PRETTY BIG DEAL AND IN YOUR IN THE FUCKING WEDDING PARTY.. I JUST WANT TO FEEL SUPPORTED! DAMMMIT!
And recently, I've noticed other things. I mean.. if she didn't want to be part of the wedding.. if it was too big of an imposition, she could have said NO. I wouldn't have judged her. I wouldn't have minded... But, if you make a commitment.. you see it through.
Is it so fucking wrong that I want a HAPPY experience during this WEDDING PLANNING?
And what's killing me recently, is SHE (and Ro) are PLANNING MY BACHELORETTE/BRIDAL SHOWER... AND, honestly, one of my other bridesmaids says nothing has been done, and she is getting worried FOR me.. that this will be just SLAPPED together.. and RUSHED.
It broke my fucking heart.
I get it
EVERYONE HAS A LIFE AND A SCHEDULE....
But, I would never EVER do this to someone.
I've never been asked to be a bridesmaid. My sister eloped... and once again, I don't have many gal pals! But, if I should have EVER been asked... I would be helpful. I would be present. I would be excited for the bride.. and do what I needed to do.
This shit has been killing me for MONTHS...
I know this is more important to Klay, Emry and I... but SERIOUSLY.. is it so much to ask for a little "giving a shit" from your friends?
Stop pretending and being so stinking FAKE to my face.. and just say you don't want to do this.
Because, the unity of the bridal party is being fucked.. BY YOU.
I am trying so hard NOT to be a bridezilla.. I let the girls pick their hairstyles (as long as they were down and out of their face) the type of shoes (and color)... Heck... the only thing I said is "this is the dress color".... Everything else... is really up to them.
But, the more I try to be cool and collected.. the more that LISSA walks over me...
ALL THE FUCK OVER ME....
Pushing her thoughts... and her ideas... and what she thinks would be best on her... and, thus for everyone else... And her ideas are $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.... honey, unless you are going to PAY for this... for EVERYONE... It ain't happening.. all of my pennies are being stretched TO THE MAX.
And it's just not cool.
It's NOT fucking cool.
So... I give up.
I don't know where to go with this.. without losing my fucking mind.. and screaming at her.
I'm emotional.. and I get loud. It's just who I am.
I know this.
And, I think it would end our friendship, if I told her how I allow the behavior to make me feel... and she would quip with that being my choice... and not see any of the blame on her. I'm pretty sure... LINES WOULD BE DRAWN.. Old west style.
Thing of it is...
She's always been a person who goes to the beat of their own drum.
And I really like that about her.
But, I've come to notice.. that it's at all costs. That no one. Not family. Not close friends.. Not anyone... can make her stray from her... mindset.
And that's kind of hurtful.
So that's it. That's the rage...
What would you do?
How would you handle this?
How do I NOT become a bridezilla with this situation?