You ever not know exactly what to title a post?
You know you want to write - and vent - and just empty your brain, but, the proper words to sum it all up into a title just don't come to mind.
WARNING WARNING - BRAIN EXPLOSION?
Seems like a waste of good writing thinking up a proper title, no?
I'm stressing out. Even though I don't want to.
I just feel overwhelmed - and I can't get in control of my life.
The wedding is so stinking close, and every thought of it freaks me out even further.
I want to be calm. I want to be focused. I just want to workout - because I like to workout.
Every time I enter a gym, hit the ground or the treadmill - I feel it's for the freaking wedding.
And that's not what it is. That's not what it should be.
It used to be about being healthy - and somewhere in there - the wedding bug snuck in, and it was about being the size 4 - being the tiny bride - being a number...
And then, I hated to do it.
Even by challenging myself to run farther, and harder....
Just started to HATE IT.
And then I hate myself for hating it.
I just want to LIVE.
Live without fear
Live life fully and healthy
Not feel controlled by a size - or a portion - or a food - or NOT a food.
Live Laugh Love?
I want to live like that again...
As we get closer - I tried to force myself - YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS - AND THIS WILL WORK - YOU WILL FIGHT THROUGH.
You will be positive
You will get through this
STOP FOCUSING ON THE WEDDING - oh wait, need to return that email about the WEDDING.
HOW DO YOU NOT FOCUS ON IT - WHEN YOU CAN THROW A BASEBALL TO IT - THAT'S HOW CLOSE IT IS.
How do you do your job effectively - when all you are thinking about are the details.
How do you effectively be the mom, house cleaner, chauffeur, etc. etc. etc. when all you want to do is just crawl in a ball and DIE?
Well, not die, but sleep - the only thing not stress inducing is SLEEP.
I swear - the most fun - was watching Football with Emry, after doing Yardwork on Sunday - The lazy days - are my favorite - they feel the most NORMAL.
When did life become an endless string of doing this project, this volunteer thing, this playdate, this practice, this game, this , and this, and THIS?
I want to get back to the lazy days.
Doing things for ENJOYMENT - not necessity.
Not budgeting and planning and micromanaging every aspect of a day.
I also feel that as the wedding come closer - that everything is falling apart around me.
I am so overwhelmed and unfocused that things seem to be falling by the wayside... and even though I am letting them occur - I am stressing about it.
My OCD is pretty severe - and keeping that level of OCD on too many areas - creates a lot of tension - because, I'm not superhuman - I can't do it all - and I know that - but I still feel AWFUL - and OVERWHELMED.
And there is no helping that.
SO - here I am - with all of this just OUT there - And - I don't feel any different - It's not like Frozen - I can't just LET IT GO - I say it - And it doesn't move off of me. It still weighs me down... Like an extra person pushing me down - pulling at me - climbing on my back and staying there.
And, the idea of getting remarried - that has started bothering me, as well... Different situation - Different person (both him and me) - but .... I'm scared.
That I'm going to lose it all again.
That if we do this - it becomes REAL.
And the last time I had this level of real... it all fell apart.
Getting the license on Friday.
And I can't tell you the level of stress....
And Klay is all - whatevs about it...
Of course he is - he doesn't have the baggage about this situation that I do.
The baggage that I can't seem to let go of.
The baggage that hides in the background - reminding me of how bad it used to be.
The person I was - looking at me - reminding me how bad it could be.
I want this.
I know it's different.
But - it isn't.
Right now, it isn't.
It's scary as anything.