People Just as Crazy as Me

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

A post with no title

You ever not know exactly what to title a post?
You know you want to write - and vent - and just empty your brain, but, the proper words to sum it all up into a title just don't come to mind.

Braindump Tuesday?
WARNING WARNING - BRAIN EXPLOSION?

Seems like a waste of good writing thinking up a proper title, no?

I'm stressing out. Even though I don't want to.
I just feel overwhelmed - and I can't get in control of my life.
The wedding is so stinking close, and every thought of it freaks me out even further.
I want to be calm. I want to be focused. I just want to workout - because I like to workout.

Every time I enter a gym, hit the ground or the treadmill - I feel it's for the freaking wedding.
And that's not what it is. That's not what it should be.

It used to be about being healthy - and somewhere in there - the wedding bug snuck in, and it was about being the size 4 - being the tiny bride - being a number...

And then, I hated to do it.
Even by challenging myself to run farther, and harder....
Just started to HATE IT.
And then I hate myself for hating it.

I just want to LIVE.
Live without fear
Without Regret
Live life fully and healthy
Not feel controlled by a size - or a portion - or a food - or NOT a food.

Live Laugh Love?
I want to live like that again...

As we get closer - I tried to force myself - YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS - AND THIS WILL WORK - YOU WILL FIGHT THROUGH.

You will be positive
You will get through this
STOP FOCUSING ON THE WEDDING - oh wait, need to return that email about the WEDDING.

HOW DO YOU NOT FOCUS ON IT - WHEN YOU CAN THROW A BASEBALL TO IT - THAT'S HOW CLOSE IT IS.

How do you do your job effectively - when all you are thinking about are the details.

How do you effectively be the mom, house cleaner, chauffeur, etc. etc. etc. when all you want to do is just crawl in a ball and DIE?

Well, not die, but sleep - the only thing not stress inducing is SLEEP.

I swear - the most fun - was watching Football with Emry, after doing Yardwork on Sunday - The lazy days - are my favorite - they feel the most NORMAL.

When did life become an endless string of doing this project, this volunteer thing, this playdate, this practice, this game, this , and this, and THIS?

I want to get back to the lazy days.
Doing things for ENJOYMENT - not necessity.
Not budgeting and planning and micromanaging every aspect of a day.

I also feel that as the wedding come closer - that everything is falling apart around me.
I am so overwhelmed and unfocused that things seem to be falling by the wayside... and even though I am letting them occur - I am stressing about it.

My OCD is pretty severe - and keeping that level of OCD on too many areas - creates a lot of tension - because, I'm not superhuman - I can't do it all - and I know that - but I still feel AWFUL - and OVERWHELMED.

And there is no helping that.

SO - here I am - with all of this just OUT there - And - I don't feel any different - It's not like Frozen - I can't just LET IT GO - I say it - And it doesn't move off of me. It still weighs me down... Like an extra person pushing me down - pulling at me - climbing on my back and staying there.

And, the idea of getting remarried - that has started bothering me, as well... Different situation - Different person (both him and me) - but .... I'm scared.

Utterly scared.
That I'm going to lose it all again.
That if we do this - it becomes REAL.
And the last time I had this level of real... it all fell apart.

Getting the license on Friday.
And I can't tell you the level of stress....
And Klay is all - whatevs about it...
Of course he is - he doesn't have the baggage about this situation that I do.
The baggage that I can't seem to let go of.
The baggage that hides in the background - reminding me of how bad it used to be.
The person I was - looking at me - reminding me how bad it could be.

Doubt.
Fear.
Sadness
Pressure
Overwhelming

I want this.
I know it's different.
But - it isn't.

Right now, it isn't.
It's scary as anything.

 

6 comments:

  1. This is why I went off and got married without the wedding part of it or any care in the world. lol! I have two friends that are getting married in a few weeks and they are BOTH stressing the effff out right now. They are so stressed they are stressing me. Calm down girl! It is all going to work out! You just be you :) Do things for you, not for the wedding.

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  2. Last night was a big fat huge full moon! It sounds weird but I'll tell ya, everything seems to be outta whack when the full moon hits.

    It is definitely a vicious cycle worrying about food and size - add to it a wedding and it can certainly spiral out of control. I know, from your posts, about your x and you expressed how utterly and totally different and better Klay is. You may have been fooled the first time and it all unraveled after you got married but you can spot signs in advance because you lived it, learned it. I am sure you would have noticed any kind of signs if there was anything to worry about. don't freak out! It will all be awesome - you will see :)

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  3. Just remember -- the wedding isn't about how you look. I know you know that. I just don't see the love and life I used to see when I read your words. The wedding is about LOVE and MARRIAGE and a special union between you two. Focus on that. The rest will come. ♥

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  4. HEY! You got this girl! You've been through a lot and you've always gotten through, and Klay is such a different person than your ex (at least from what I've read) and you are awesome, and you're even a different person than you were back then too! Don't forget WHY you are getting married in the first place (:

    I personally am really pumped for your wedding and to read about it and see pix!!!!

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  5. Calm down take a deep breath and think about the marriage not the wedding. Any details that go wrong don't really matter if you are marrying the right person!

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  6. You can totally do this, it will all get done. Deep breaths.

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