I knew that the base of it was trying to hold on tight to a size 4 body.. not for health reasons, but for reasons of vanity. I drank the Kool-aid, and I bought into the media/fashion industries mind control. I thought that if I gained any weight, or went up even one size - that I was instantly not beautiful again. That the weight gain changed my soul, and my worth.
I lied to myself that this was one of the dark thoughts that was pulling me down. I pushed through and pretended like the thought wasn't there at all. I vowed to #endfoodshamingin2015 - partly because it is an awesome idea, and the other part because I wanted to eat a fricking cheeseburger everyday. And there is nothing wrong with that... not exactly.
Being healthy is still really important to me. Eating well is also, very - VERY important to me. My exercise regimen is still kind of in a dormant period (except for TKD and HKD... Emry goes, so I go), however, I can feel my body yearning to move more, as the weather transitions into spring weather.
I stopped wearing makeup - because as I descended down this dark and lifeless path, I felt that I should stop wearing the mask. It was as if, my hair, decided that if I wasn't applying the makeup, that it wasn't going to work with me either. So, I started pulling my hair up into tight, slick back pony-tails.
A good portion of my size 2 / 4 pants (work and casual) stopped fitting - couldn't even button them... and if they did button, moving wasn't exactly an option in them. So, I was stuck with the one pair of size 6 hand me down jeans, and jeggings. Work clothes was even harder... It has been freezing, I had one pair of of work slacks and wearing a dress made my soul cold.
So, I began to just wear the same things over and over again - different scarfs, oversized shirts... trying to hide it - trying to hide myself.
People were noticing, no one was saying anything, and for that I am truly grateful - All I needed was one person to say , "What's wrong with you?" and I would have lost it. Completely gone off the deep end.
The other side of the coin was harder to pin point. The other part of this empty nagging feeling in my gut - well that took a lot of soul searching. And, as I begin to explain - it becomes hard to type... Even though I have come to terms and am willing to take the step. Isn't that funny? Once you write it down, it becomes public - real - you can't take it back .
Okay - here it goes:
I want another baby.
Now, I know, you are looking at these words and saying: "So? What's the big deal with that?"
I love my son, I really do - but, when I found out I was pregnant with him, it was not a good thing. No one was happy about it, everyone was skeptical if it was a good thing or not. My ex - did not want me to have him, even though by time I found out (really long story) - there was no option to NOT have a baby. And, then, after I had my Emry - everything went belly up. With such an awful first time through - - - I swore off having another baby. Mainly because I did not want to deal with more disappointment - Because, back then, obviously, I wasn't the person who was allowed to have the beautiful pregnancy, with the bells and whistles. I, obviously, was not worthy of such things.
Recently, I started seeing babies and pregnancy everywhere. And, I wasn't searching, I swear to God, I wasn't searching. But, nonetheless, everywhere I turned... there was another baby bump, another character on a show was knocked up.... Even in the grocery stores, I would see a baby, he/she would lock eyes with me, and almost silently say "You want another".
This threw me and it threw me really stinking hard. I fought the notion, I could not, would not even allow myself to think about it. Then the prompts from the universe got louder.... Finally, I cried, by myself in the shower... I want a baby. I want to have the experience with Klay. I want us - - - to add to our family. I want to see Emry as a big brother...
Then I felt awful for feeling this... A major part of Klay and my relationship was based on the fact that neither of us wanted children. That Emry was all that we needed. The darkness pulled me in further. How dare I want this. What is wrong with me.
I wouldn't even let him touch me anymore... I felt dirty... I felt like an awful wife.
And if I was an awful wife, why should I keep up the pretenses... Why should I clean the house, or make the meals... I started to let things pile up... I stopped preparing well thought out meals and healthy options... I just cooked whatever. And, not going to lie, I've been eating whatever/whenever too.
Once I admitted to myself I wanted a baby - - - my body obviously heard the message.... I'm almost three weeks late. All the store bought tests say negative. So, this is the week I call the OBG and see if it is stress related, or if... If I am actually pregnant.
Klay and I had to talk... 2 weeks ago, I told him I was a little late, and last week I reminded him... This past Saturday, we laid in bed, in the middle of the day, and talked about what would happen - if I was. What the plan was. I was so scared, I can't even tell you how scared I was.... In my head, I heard my ex-husbands voice. I planned for Klay to tell me that we wouldn't have it, I planned for Klay to be angry.... That didn't happen. Klay is nervous, and it is unplanned... but, it is something we will do, if/when we go over that bridge. And then, in his own way, he told me it was okay, and that he was in fact happy that a baby might be a possibility.
The second that conversation happened.. a weight was instantly lifted from my shoulders. It was as if the veil completely lifted.
So, what do we do when we are feeling really good? We shop. Duh.
I need clothes - I need to be able to go to work and wear clothes that make me feel good, and that fit. Size 6 / 8 pants - - medium tops. The only perk to gaining back a dress size, is that I actually have boobs again. I went to Old Navy - and I worked my way around the whole store - Pixie pants, a slate gray blazer, rock star jeans, multiple dresses in different shapes and cuts, flowing colored tops, boyfriend tees. . . I had an armful of things to try on.
And do you know what happened?
EVERYTHING LOOKED GOOD ON ME.
Everything fit nicely to my shape. I was in the dressing room thinking, I CANNOT SPEND THIS MUCH. So, I had to cut the pile in HALF. But, I know exactly what I am scooping up in April when I can use my Cash Coupon. Just saying.
I walked out with 3 pairs of pants (2 work - pixie cut - pants and 1 pair of rockstar dark wash jeans), the blazer, a printed blouse in a pink/peach, and a green/beige boyfriend tee.
I did not buy any of the dresses... and that was only because I still have numerous dresses that fit me. I needed the different option for my bottom.
Shoes, shoes needed to happen too... I bought the cutest pair of black oxford style shoes from Forever 21. And I am totally going online to buy more of their shoes soon. They fit my high arch, and are super comfortable.
I had to redeem rewards on my VS- Pink card, so I landed a push-up bralette, low rise hip huggers, and a nightgown for $43.... Love the rewards and coupons I get for having that card!!!!
And, then, I needed to seal this deal - I needed to come back and live again. If you follow me on Instagram - you know that I started a 30 day selfie challenge. Allowing both my inner beauty and outer beauty to shine. . .I am hoping to really embrace this concept, and let it fill me... rejuvenate my soul - I'm ready to start moving forward again.
While I have been away I have been reading. I finished Boneshaker, and even though once I sat down, and committed to the story, I still wasn't too thrilled with the authors voice.
From there, I read Martian, and I highly recommend this book... I mean, Astronaut gets stuck on Mars... Written mostly in journal entry first person POV... The writing is amazing. I ate this book, and I hope one of you reads it. Sci-Fi realism... Give it a try!
Then I read The Descent, and I couldn't like it - - - I read the whole thing - - - the random POV changes, and the confusing writing. The story was just lost on me.
Currently, I am reading The Girl on the Train, and I love the characters, I love the way the story is intertwining...I can't wait to finish it.
The reading has helped to keep my brain turning - the reading has given me a safe place to hide; to heal. I hope to keep going and just devouring book after book each month. You forget how much you love something, until you've been away and start up again.
So - here it goes - Back into the world. I hope you all come back and read little pieces of my world. I can't wait to catch up on your worlds.
Until next time my friends.